To be a bit sad about how eldest DS’s life has turned out?

[SimoneSayz]

I’ve got three sons aged 19, 21 and 23. The eldest, P, has always been a sweet, loving and kind boy who lacked confidence. When he finished university he’d never had a girlfriend, just a few dates here and there. The younger two had plenty of girlfriends and I know that made P sad. We have a close family and spend a lot of time with cousins.

P started work at 21 and quickly made friends with an older married woman with three young kids, B, who was 30 at the time. I don’t know the exact ins and outs but within six months of meeting P, she’d split from her husband and P moved from our house into her rented one. A few months after that, they moved 300 miles away to be closer to her family.

It’s now two years on and they’ve established a business and a life up there. We rarely see him, never alone, but sometimes he calls on his way to work and he sounds very stressed and isolated. He doesn’t have any friends of his own up there, never sees his old friends, and he works long and antisocial hours on their business whilst she looks after the kids. B is now pregnant.

I know he’s an adult, and has made his own choices, but AIBU to feel a little sad that he’s so far away and now probably always will be?

OP you are not wrong. Being lumbered with someone else’s 3 kids at 21 does not sound like a great outcome from him.

Some people have asked about the ex-husband… He does see the children and he has moved closer to them but not close enough to do the school run, so they’re mostly with P and B. The children are often with him on weekends and holidays (during which P and B work or go on holidays with her family).

Both B and P hate her ex-husband and their move was without telling him, so although I don’t say it to them, I can understand why he’s angry. According to P (who knew him before) he’s often angry and not a great man and doesn’t act in the best interests of the children.

Yes, they are renting. Offering to pay for his visits is a good idea. He should be able to visit when the children are with their dad but I expect B would want to come too and I can’t really say she’s not welcome. They did visit together last summer but it was whilst they were bickering and it was tense. Oh dear, it’s all a bit of a mess.

Suggest to him the next time she's holidaying with her family he comes to you.

If they are holidaying that much they cannot be as skint as you think.

He's under the thumb, he needs to know you have his back and will support him.

I wonder if you need to talk about how a potential co-parenting relationship can work. At 23 most of us would be clueless about the logistics of this.

He needs to be able consider all his options. Loads of people stay in relationships they don't want to because they believe rightly or wrongly that there is no other option. Knowledge is power.

I’m not surprised the ex husband was angry about his children being moved secretly after their affair came to light - in fact is that even allowed on the assumption he has PR?! The more you post the more it sounds like your Ds has a fine life - holidaying, exH trying to play an active part in his children’s lives etc. the reality is more that your ds has his own child on the way. There have been many, many fathers before him of a younger age who have dealt with that just fine. It sounds like his partner is close to her family and presumably they will support them. I wonder OP if that rankles you a bit?