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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit sad about how eldest DS’s life has turned out?

155 replies

SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 20:18

I’ve got three sons aged 19, 21 and 23. The eldest, P, has always been a sweet, loving and kind boy who lacked confidence. When he finished university he’d never had a girlfriend, just a few dates here and there. The younger two had plenty of girlfriends and I know that made P sad. We have a close family and spend a lot of time with cousins.

P started work at 21 and quickly made friends with an older married woman with three young kids, B, who was 30 at the time. I don’t know the exact ins and outs but within six months of meeting P, she’d split from her husband and P moved from our house into her rented one. A few months after that, they moved 300 miles away to be closer to her family.

It’s now two years on and they’ve established a business and a life up there. We rarely see him, never alone, but sometimes he calls on his way to work and he sounds very stressed and isolated. He doesn’t have any friends of his own up there, never sees his old friends, and he works long and antisocial hours on their business whilst she looks after the kids. B is now pregnant.

I know he’s an adult, and has made his own choices, but AIBU to feel a little sad that he’s so far away and now probably always will be?

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 09/04/2023 23:27

Would you feel differently if he was ringing you and telling you how happy he is or would you still feel sad because he isn't with you? I just wonder if it is about his unhappiness or a feeling that his partner has taken him away?

user1473878824 · 09/04/2023 23:28

DancingDrunk · 09/04/2023 21:30

He started a relationship with a married woman with 3 kids, I don’t think he’s the inexperienced, naive, innocent person you think he is. And now he’s got her pregnant.

Yes sorry, but this in spades. I’m just trying to imagine how much sympathy “I shagged a married man and then he left his wife and started a life with me and now I’m a step mum and pregnant and I’m a bit sad about how my life has turned out” would get.

VintageBlossomHill · 09/04/2023 23:29

I think I would make time for a few day visit to him and engineer time alone with him(walking the dog etc), time for a 1 to 1 chat to gauge how he is. It does sound like he’s a bit unhappy. I’m remembering that horrible story of the young man with the abusive Partner that was in the headlines a couple of years ago.

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 09/04/2023 23:32

Yes a long drive, but can you and DH not fly near to where-ever they have moved to. That cuts the journey time a lot. I would be budgeting for at least 4 trips per year plus the accommodation. I would want to be visible to him, her and her family. You are after all his mum, and soon to be grandparent.

I do agree with many of the previous pps. I have a vulnerable, naive, late teenager, and this scenario would worry me. A lot.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/04/2023 23:34

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 23:23

he's just as much of an adult as she is

A 21-23 yr old with little life experience and no real relationship experience is not as much of an adult as a married person and parent almost a decade older than them - No.

Of course he is. Lots of people are married with children at 23. It's not like he's 17.

He actively chose to participate in an affair and to get this lady pregnant. He's just as responsible for this as she is.

babyjoeytribianni · 09/04/2023 23:39

It's amazing that people are this blind when it comes to an age difference like this and the power imbalance.

user1477391263 · 09/04/2023 23:43

It’s OK to feel sad about this, OP.

I bet the reaction among some posters here would be different if it was a 21yo woman who married a significantly older man with three children.

user1473878824 · 09/04/2023 23:44

user1477391263 · 09/04/2023 23:43

It’s OK to feel sad about this, OP.

I bet the reaction among some posters here would be different if it was a 21yo woman who married a significantly older man with three children.

Have you not seen every single response if someone’s fucked someone else’s husband?

user1477391263 · 09/04/2023 23:45

It’s not great being in a situation where you have a choice between being responsible for four kids vs never having a biological child of your own vs splitting up, and that’s basically the situ here.

MyNameOnHisGuitar · 09/04/2023 23:53

watcherintherye · 09/04/2023 23:15

Well put.

Show quote history

He’s been to uni and it sounds like he was just not that outgoing. Sometimes quieter young men like OPs son who don’t find it easy to date end up living at home with mum and dad forever. That would have been much worse, never having his own life. I don’t think he was ever going to be partying and having a more typical young mans life with his personality type, lacking confidence etc. He didn’t have to get her pregnant, it’s a choice. He had a very supportive family that he could have come back to at any point by the sound of things and he hasn’t done that. This is his choice, OP needs to accept that.

Prettydress · 09/04/2023 23:54

Fwiw he did have the opportunity to be care free and have flings whilst he was at uni, but as you said - that wasn't really of interest to him. I can see why you are concerned but some people are born old and some people never grow up. I think any parent ( biological or taking on the role) feels the stress of being responsible for others but it doesn't necessarily make people unhappy. Being a parent often feels like our most rewarding experience in life, despite all the ups and downs. All you can do is keep the channels of communication open if things don't work out - which it sounds like you already are. X

surreygirl1987 · 09/04/2023 23:57

He’ll never be near his support network again.

So? Most people I know moved away from their hometown. People make new support networks. Of course, it often takes time. I moved a couple of hundred miles away from home and yes I was sometimes stressed and felt isolated in the early days but I'm so glad I moved away.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 00:09

babyjoeytribianni · 09/04/2023 23:39

It's amazing that people are this blind when it comes to an age difference like this and the power imbalance.

So at what age do you expect people to take responsibility for their choices?

caringcarer · 10/04/2023 00:14

OP my eldest son decided after a couple years of saving for a deposit with house prices rising at the time, he would not be able to afford to buy in our area. He had a good job but applied for a job over 150 miles away up North taking almost a £9k pay cut each year because he worked out he could buy a house there. His gf broke up with him as she did want a long distance relationship and did not want to go with him. At the time I was worried for him. He had a lot of good friends where we live and was close to his brother who lives here too. 18 months onwards he has bought his own little house. A 2 bed terraced but it is very nicely decorated. He has a job and has been promoted and has a very nice gf who has 2 children, teens. He also has made several new friends. He is very happy. I think he found it harder when he first moved as he did not know anyone up North. He used to come home some weekends. Now he is busy every weekend and does not come back to visit much. Even though I miss him I know this is a good thing as he is making his own life. You have to let your son decide what he wants. You can go to visit him and ask him if he is happy but he is an adult and could make the effort to make new friends. I know my son used to go out with a few colleagues when he first moved. They became his friends over time. He also joined a mountain biking club and made a few friends there with the same interest as him. The thing is he had to make it happen. If he had stayed home all the time he would not have made friends. Your son went into relationship with gf with 3 children with his eyes wide open. It is not as if the gf hid the children from him.

MelsMoneyTree · 10/04/2023 00:16

I know a PP said your main concern seemed to be his partner but actually I think it sounds like the biggest issue is the distance. You think he's isolated because you'd feel isolated and you think it's a worry because your other DCs haven't moved away. But that parental desire to keep DCs geographically close, can feel stifling for some DCs.
You're missing him and putting too much weight on throwaway comments eg him wishing he could go out with you all today. It might help if you schedule in more regular visits. You could break the journey into two or three stages so it isn't as tiring.

caringcarer · 10/04/2023 00:27

In your shoes I'd be befriending the gf and suggesting a family holiday together where I'd help with childcare to give them some couple time. Please treat all of the children equally. I had 3 children when I married my second DH. I will always love his Mum for being so kind to my DC.

GodspeedJune · 10/04/2023 00:30

I know it wouldn’t be for everyone but my DDad commuted that distance every weekend - it is possible to see him frequently and hopefully that will be more manageable as your recovery continues OP. Even once a month would be something?

I would be sad if he were my son, bringing up a family at his age, but he’s an adult so all you can do is be there to help if it all breaks down.

babyjoeytribianni · 10/04/2023 00:49

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts I'm not sure what point you're trying to make when talking about responsibility between two people where one holds more power and one person is more vulnerable. Perhaps do some reading, plenty of psychologists discuss this type of relationship.

AprilFool23 · 10/04/2023 01:01

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/04/2023 23:34

Of course he is. Lots of people are married with children at 23. It's not like he's 17.

He actively chose to participate in an affair and to get this lady pregnant. He's just as responsible for this as she is.

Show quote history

In what decade is that?

The average age of first marriage is something like 31 for a woman, a bit older for a man, I think.

"Lots of people" are not married with kids at 23. But even if they were, it is unlikely those ppl would be married to partners nearly a decade older, and also step parents to their almost decade older partners 3 kids.

As well as moving away from their family.

As well as being bound up with that oldrvpsryber for work/income.

You keep going on about his age in isolation (which is still very young - to repeat, your brain is still developing til something like 25), it is not only his age; it is the age gap, the life experience gap, the circumstances etc etc.

Another poster had advised you to educate yourself, I hope you do.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 10/04/2023 01:02

No one finds it easy to hear their child is unhappy. I’d be up there as often as I could.

AprilFool23 · 10/04/2023 01:05

He actively chose to participate in an affair and to get this lady pregnant.

Active participation in an affair by a single, barely in their 20s young person with no actual relationship experience ..... with a nearly decade older married parent - male or female is not simple & equal. You are simplifying it and pretending a power dynamic does not exist; for reasons best known to yourself.

AprilFool23 · 10/04/2023 01:13

As for the pregnancy; most ppl foolishly stop using condoms (if they even used them from the start) after a while in a relationship and rely, typically, upon the female to use hormonal contraception.That puts a lot of power/responsibility in the woman's hands.

With three kids to feed, a relocation 300 miles away, a business to get off the ground, and said kids to adjust to a new area, adjust to the dissolution of their parents marriage (& family in it's previous form), adjust to having a step father etc. etc it was an "unusual" decision to conceive a fourth child and throw that into the mix. She is now 32 so no huge rush on them TTC their own child either. You have to wonder at the circumstances and whether ops son had been caught again due to naivety re leaving full contraceptive responsibility/power in his partner's hands.

AprilFool23 · 10/04/2023 01:18

After all she's left her marriage and broken up her family in it's previous form for a considerably younger, apparently quite malleable, responsible, educated young man .... He's only 23, a time when most young ppl want to be relatively free (not necessarily single but having the freedom that 3 step kids, a business with your partner etc. does not allow); she may have been worried he'd go through a phase with her and then leave her; that's certainly a lot less likely now.

MyNameOnHisGuitar · 10/04/2023 01:18

AprilFool23 · 10/04/2023 01:13

As for the pregnancy; most ppl foolishly stop using condoms (if they even used them from the start) after a while in a relationship and rely, typically, upon the female to use hormonal contraception.That puts a lot of power/responsibility in the woman's hands.

With three kids to feed, a relocation 300 miles away, a business to get off the ground, and said kids to adjust to a new area, adjust to the dissolution of their parents marriage (& family in it's previous form), adjust to having a step father etc. etc it was an "unusual" decision to conceive a fourth child and throw that into the mix. She is now 32 so no huge rush on them TTC their own child either. You have to wonder at the circumstances and whether ops son had been caught again due to naivety re leaving full contraceptive responsibility/power in his partner's hands.

He’s 23. At 23, I would have hated to be infantilised by others. It sounds like he has had good role models and comes from a normal functioning family. I’m sure he knows what condoms are and any man choosing not to use them knows exactly what that means.

AprilFool23 · 10/04/2023 01:21

He’s 23

23 is young, pretty fucking young.

I would have hated to be infantilised by others.

it is not infantalising a 23 year old to acknowledge that on average they do not have the life & relationship experience (and accompanying shrewdness) of someone older. It is just obvious.

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