Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit sad about how eldest DS’s life has turned out?

155 replies

SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 20:18

I’ve got three sons aged 19, 21 and 23. The eldest, P, has always been a sweet, loving and kind boy who lacked confidence. When he finished university he’d never had a girlfriend, just a few dates here and there. The younger two had plenty of girlfriends and I know that made P sad. We have a close family and spend a lot of time with cousins.

P started work at 21 and quickly made friends with an older married woman with three young kids, B, who was 30 at the time. I don’t know the exact ins and outs but within six months of meeting P, she’d split from her husband and P moved from our house into her rented one. A few months after that, they moved 300 miles away to be closer to her family.

It’s now two years on and they’ve established a business and a life up there. We rarely see him, never alone, but sometimes he calls on his way to work and he sounds very stressed and isolated. He doesn’t have any friends of his own up there, never sees his old friends, and he works long and antisocial hours on their business whilst she looks after the kids. B is now pregnant.

I know he’s an adult, and has made his own choices, but AIBU to feel a little sad that he’s so far away and now probably always will be?

OP posts:
PortiasBiscuit · 09/04/2023 21:10

He’s 23yo, it’s a bit premature to assume he’s “ended up” anywhere yet.

piedbeauty · 09/04/2023 21:11

I'm not surprised you're sad. He's taken on three kids by another man and now his gf is expecting his baby. He is very young to take on that responsibility.

It's hard to realise that your dc aren't living the life you had imagined or hoped for them either.

But talk to him! Can you go up and stay near him for a weekend? See him, catch up face to face?

Keep all channels of communication open.

Babyroobs · 09/04/2023 21:11

RememberingGoodTimes · 09/04/2023 20:34

I think most mums would feel sad to rarely see their child and to see them settle down so young an older person who already has three kids. That's a normal, healthy reaction.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, beyond attempt regular interaction and make the effort to visit him and his family every now and the.

This I have 3 sons almost the same age as yours and would be very concerned for him to be responsible for four kids at such a young age. Presumably he wanted to have this latest child though and it sounds like he is hard working and mature for his age.

Original poster
SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 21:12

MinnieEgg · 09/04/2023 21:04

Being at university 300 miles away is in no way comparable to a 23 year old raising four children 300 miles away.

My dd is at university 200 miles away and she's having a whale of a time. She's playing sports, staying up half the night with her flatmates and sleeping half the day. She's going to nightclubs and going to lectures on a subject she really loves.

That is nowhere near a life with three children and a pregnant girlfriend.

I know that's what he has chosen but it's not the life I would want for my adult son and so I think the OP is entitled to grieve for the life she would have liked him to have.

Grieving for the life I wanted him to have is exactly how I feel, thank you x

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 09/04/2023 21:15

Xrays · 09/04/2023 20:20

You don’t actually know he’s unhappy though. You’re just assuming things about him.

He sounds stressed and isolated. It's in the OP.

Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 21:17

I hear you. Most of us wouldn't wish this for our dc. I certainly wouldn't want this for my ds1 or ds2. But realistically what can you do? He's just not that kind of person is he? Dynamic and forthright. In his nature, he's just not. What about visiting. Then talking to him about your concerns. But realistically he's not going to leave His pregnant partner is he?

girlfriend44 · 09/04/2023 21:21

nighthawk99 · 09/04/2023 20:43

He's in a (presumably) good relationship with a baby on the way.He's running his own business. 'The boy done good'!

Exactly. Loafs of people move away from their family's.
Some families live on the other side of the world from each other.

JudgeRudy · 09/04/2023 21:29

What are you actually upset about, that he doesn't live locally or that he's seems stressed?
I think the proximity thing is to be expected really, certainly for those that have attended university. You are extremely fortunate to have 2 other children on your door step. That's a fluke.
You've also said he seems stressed. You've spoken on the phone and he's had a cry. You described him as sensitive, and would socially awkward be accurate? Did he cry occasionally and get anxious before? Seems like this could just be his nature. Of course we all want our children to be happy with great partners and fulfilling lives but it doesn't always go that way. Don't subliminally blame his partner. You're imagining a different life with a nice homely girl on your doorstep but the alternative may well have been living with you at 30 and a meagre social life. He may not be 'happy' but he's had a lifetime of being him and he could well be happy enough with his lot.

Namechangethisonetime · 09/04/2023 21:29

Wow, he’s only 23, and in 2 years this woman has left her husband, and is now pregnant with your son? Your son is still quite young, and this relationship is still in its infancy. It may not last.

I’m mid-30’s for reference… and I’ve seen one of my male friends fall in love in similar circumstances. He also was very inexperienced with women and long term relationships. He is now out of the situation (and without any unplanned pregnancies tying them) but not without a lot of drama over the years.

Of course, occasionally sometimes people get together after a short whirlwind romance and stay together for a lifetime, but it’s not the norm. As a mum, I would also worry about this relationship.

DancingDrunk · 09/04/2023 21:30

He started a relationship with a married woman with 3 kids, I don’t think he’s the inexperienced, naive, innocent person you think he is. And now he’s got her pregnant.

DustyLee123 · 09/04/2023 21:33

I’d just let him know that he can always come home to you. ( I’m assuming he can ?)

drpet49 · 09/04/2023 21:37

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 20:21

Sounds like a miserable life for a young person. Still you will have to leave him to it. He is an adult.

This. I’d be sad too OP

Cherry2010 · 09/04/2023 21:41

Reading some comments on here I feel awful for you OP. I totally understand where you’re coming from; a 30 year old married woman involving herself with a 21 year old lad is far from what I’d want for my children (and they are always your children) HOWEVER, all you can do is wait this out. It 100% won’t last.

SecretSwirrel · 09/04/2023 21:42

I would feel sad about that too OP. She is nearly 10 years older and he’s thrown himself into a very grown-up situation. She already has three kids and now there’s one more on the way. It is admirable though that he’s taken on so much responsibility.

Goodread1 · 09/04/2023 21:44

Hi Op
@Daftasyoulike post has nailed it on the head,

I totally agree with this,

I would definitely Express that I am concerned that he is not looking after himself properly by sounds of it,

You have to both find a way in which you find a compromise to see each other on quite frequent basis, for e.g at least once every month ,

RobinRobinMouse · 09/04/2023 21:48

The situation was different as neither had children, but my mum married my dad when she was 30 and he 19. Yes eyebrows were raised but they've now been married over 40 years and have been mostly very happy. Everyone has times when they are stressed and worried and the fact that your son sometimes calls you when he is is a really good and healthy thing in many ways. He's bound to be feeling it with a baby one the way etc. This is the life he wants and has chosen. I get that it May be hard, but I think you need to try not to feel sorry that it isn't what you think would be best for him. Instead, try to focus on the fact he seems to have a good job and a strong relationship, he will gradually build his own network there as time goes by.

FrumptyMumpty · 09/04/2023 21:49

No I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel sad. You’re missing out on so much of his life and you miss him and you miss his baby to be.

I’m planning for all my children and grandchildren to live close by when the time comes too.

I know I don’t have control and wouldn’t want to, but I’d definitely feel sad about it if any of them moved out of reach.

My advice would be to embrace his life a bit more proactively. Make an effort to get to know his girlfriend and her children. He loves them and you should try to too.

I know the distance makes it hard but you could visit for a while, they could visit or maybe a joint holiday or two? Don’t be invisible.

Partyandbullshit · 09/04/2023 21:52

It’s not helpful to think that every single person’s best years are their early years. People come into their own at their own rate. Who knows what the future holds for your son. All you can do is support him, and be the stable home that he knows will always be there.

YABU in expecting or even wishing for all your children to remain close to you, geographically speaking. That’s not fair on them. I hope you don’t tell him that you wish he lived closer to you/ his siblings and uni friends etc.

dottypotter · 09/04/2023 21:57

Don't see the problem here. He's having a child, your going to be grandparents, he is healthy, has a business. Don't see the point of the post.
Plenty of people move away.
The world's a big place to explore.

DarkNecessities · 09/04/2023 21:58

I can understand how you’re feeling.

All we can do is raise our children and then allow them to live their lives. We can guide them but ultimately it’s up to them to make those big life decisions.

He is young. He has his entire life ahead of him and I’m sure that he knows that you and his siblings are there for him.

It’s hard but we just have to let go

Verbena17 · 09/04/2023 22:07

Hi @SimoneSayz I understand why you feel like you do. I would be worried he’d taken on something he hadn’t planned to but as long as it’s his own decision and he’s not vulnerable or being coerced etc, then hopefully he will be happy.

It’s so lovely he is a father-figure to his partner’s children - do they see their own dad, giving your son and his partner some much needed time to relax on their own? Do you think the business they’ve created can only be done from where they are, or is it a possibility that in the future they might move closer to home? That would be good for everyone and your son could reconnect with friends etc.

HikingforScenery · 09/04/2023 22:11

I really feel for you, OP. I hope P manages to find his way in all of this and becomes happy again.
Hope you recover more soon and can drive to be able to see more of him too.

Sugargliderwombat · 09/04/2023 22:11

Ohhh OP I feel for you. Maybe as its baby number 4 the mum will be happier for him to come to visit with the little one? Could you do Joint trips away? If her family are nearby it can seem they are more involved because she wears the trousers but it is just a lot easier; why Don't you nudge him to come back for a visit, he could well be putting these expectations on himself, if hes inexperienced with relationships? Hopefully a new dynamic will settle in for you all xx

MyStarBoy · 09/04/2023 22:12

Are you sure it's not a cry for help?

You seem to be sad and very unsettled about his situation and maybe this is your motherly instincts telling you something is very very wrong.

You can't go there, but get him to come to you (on his own) so you can talk and help him get out of the situation if that's what needs to be done.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 09/04/2023 22:14

My heart goes out to you OP.

I adore my DS and would find that so painful.

Hugs for you.