Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit sad about how eldest DS’s life has turned out?

155 replies

SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 20:18

I’ve got three sons aged 19, 21 and 23. The eldest, P, has always been a sweet, loving and kind boy who lacked confidence. When he finished university he’d never had a girlfriend, just a few dates here and there. The younger two had plenty of girlfriends and I know that made P sad. We have a close family and spend a lot of time with cousins.

P started work at 21 and quickly made friends with an older married woman with three young kids, B, who was 30 at the time. I don’t know the exact ins and outs but within six months of meeting P, she’d split from her husband and P moved from our house into her rented one. A few months after that, they moved 300 miles away to be closer to her family.

It’s now two years on and they’ve established a business and a life up there. We rarely see him, never alone, but sometimes he calls on his way to work and he sounds very stressed and isolated. He doesn’t have any friends of his own up there, never sees his old friends, and he works long and antisocial hours on their business whilst she looks after the kids. B is now pregnant.

I know he’s an adult, and has made his own choices, but AIBU to feel a little sad that he’s so far away and now probably always will be?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 09/04/2023 22:16

Cherry2010 · 09/04/2023 21:41

Reading some comments on here I feel awful for you OP. I totally understand where you’re coming from; a 30 year old married woman involving herself with a 21 year old lad is far from what I’d want for my children (and they are always your children) HOWEVER, all you can do is wait this out. It 100% won’t last.

This.

whatkatydid2013 · 09/04/2023 22:16

A good friend of ours started dating his partner when he was 20 and she was 27. She had an 8 year old from a previous relationship. They’ve now been together 17 years have 2 more kids & are about to be grandparents. She stopped working when they had their first together and he’s built his own business up. As far as I know they are all very happy and have been throughout. It might not be what you want envisaged and worrying is natural but it may work out fantastically

Felixss · 09/04/2023 22:18

My Sil is 9 years older than Bil and divorced. I think he liked that she was well earning and she looked after him. They now have 3 children and she does wear the trousers still but he's got a professional career and the dynamic has more reset they are still married and happy. He was 24 when they met and MIL wasn't happy hahaha

Catshaveiteasy · 09/04/2023 22:22

I understand what you mean but from your title I imagined him to be much older, in a dead end job or unemployed, with mental health or addiction issues.

He's only 23. Sure he has a lot of responsibility for a man of that age, but presumably he chose it. Life isn't always easy but he sounds like a good person and hopefully a great parent.

He will not always be in this situation. Children grow up. Couples break up. Some people thrive on early parenthood. Many young people live far from home. One of my friends had both her kids living 1000s of miles away for some years and even now her only grandchildren are in NZ.

Make time to visit - I guess it's easier for you to do this than for him to come to you at the moment At least you'll have a better sense of what is going on for him.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/04/2023 22:28

DancingDrunk · 09/04/2023 21:30

He started a relationship with a married woman with 3 kids, I don’t think he’s the inexperienced, naive, innocent person you think he is. And now he’s got her pregnant.

Exactly this.

They had an affair, she ended her marriage, he moved in with her and has now decided to get her pregnant.

I don't know why it's all being pinned on her like she forced him to do all these things - at 23, he's just as much of an adult as she is, and is equally responsible for what's happened.

I wouldn't be particularly impressed if my child ended up behaving that way.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 09/04/2023 22:29

MinnieEgg · 09/04/2023 21:04

Being at university 300 miles away is in no way comparable to a 23 year old raising four children 300 miles away.

My dd is at university 200 miles away and she's having a whale of a time. She's playing sports, staying up half the night with her flatmates and sleeping half the day. She's going to nightclubs and going to lectures on a subject she really loves.

That is nowhere near a life with three children and a pregnant girlfriend.

I know that's what he has chosen but it's not the life I would want for my adult son and so I think the OP is entitled to grieve for the life she would have liked him to have.

I agree with this. Posters who are focussing on the distance are missing the point. This isn’t really about the distance. OP wouldn’t be posting here if her son was at uni 300 miles away enjoying his studies, having relationships with girls his own age, going out and having a great time.

BritWifeInUSA · 09/04/2023 22:29

What are sad about? The 300 miles? I moved 5000 miles away to be with the man who is now my husband. I have no other family here apart from my in-laws. I’m as happy as happy can be. I live living where I live. I love my husband. The long working hours? At least he’s working and providing for his family. He may even enjoy the job, you don’t know that he doesn’t. The 4 children at the age of 23? He knew what he was doing. She already had 3 and he knew that. He also knows how not to have anymore.

What exactly would make you feel happier?

HamptonCaught · 09/04/2023 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

QuillBill · 09/04/2023 22:39

What are sad about? The 300 miles?

She is sad because he is sad and she can't bring him in to the rest of the family for support because he lives 300 miles away.

MyNameOnHisGuitar · 09/04/2023 22:48

I’d be very disappointed that he started a relationship with a married woman. That’s a scummy thing do, although she’s worse being the one who was married with children.

Now, I think you maybe just want all your kids near you which is unreasonable. He could have easily left her but they’ve decided to have a child together so presumably this is the life he wants. Cut the apron strings, he’s a grown man.

Cosmos123 · 09/04/2023 22:48

SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 20:18

I’ve got three sons aged 19, 21 and 23. The eldest, P, has always been a sweet, loving and kind boy who lacked confidence. When he finished university he’d never had a girlfriend, just a few dates here and there. The younger two had plenty of girlfriends and I know that made P sad. We have a close family and spend a lot of time with cousins.

P started work at 21 and quickly made friends with an older married woman with three young kids, B, who was 30 at the time. I don’t know the exact ins and outs but within six months of meeting P, she’d split from her husband and P moved from our house into her rented one. A few months after that, they moved 300 miles away to be closer to her family.

It’s now two years on and they’ve established a business and a life up there. We rarely see him, never alone, but sometimes he calls on his way to work and he sounds very stressed and isolated. He doesn’t have any friends of his own up there, never sees his old friends, and he works long and antisocial hours on their business whilst she looks after the kids. B is now pregnant.

I know he’s an adult, and has made his own choices, but AIBU to feel a little sad that he’s so far away and now probably always will be?

You are right to grieve for the life your son could have had.

Especially as he is so far away from his family and raising 3 soon to be 4 children at a young age.

You just have to be there offering the love and support you can whether by email or by phone.

Hope you all get to spend more time together.

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 22:53

DancingDrunk · 09/04/2023 21:30

He started a relationship with a married woman with 3 kids, I don’t think he’s the inexperienced, naive, innocent person you think he is. And now he’s got her pregnant.

You clearly have zero experience of what experienced, non naive, non "innocent" young men do with cheating married Mums a decade older than them lol.

Here's a hint; it's not get into a serious relationship with them, move in with them, step parent their kids, move 309 miles away with them etc.

And they'd also glove up and try to avoid getting them pregnant, or (some combo of) disclaim all responsibility/pressure for a termination/ scarper, if they did get them pregnant.

Every single thing you mention speaks of inexperience, scarcity mentality, vulnerability, naivety etc.

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 22:56

(And low self esteem).

It sounds like he thought he'd not get another woman so he had to take his chance with this one, no matter what the circumstances.

That fits with him never having had a relationship or (it sounds like) sex by the end of Uni.

Your only hope is that this breaks down sooner or later but that's 50-50.

fungalmaiden · 09/04/2023 23:00

Sounds shit, not surprised you're upset. But you don't seem to be making any effort to spend time with him. He's 300 miles away, not 3000. Go and see him!

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 23:01

While your feelings are totally understandable op, look at at this way. His life could've gone much worse in many other ways (drugs, suicidal ideation, addictions etc etc). This is far from the worst case scenario and the sorts of things many parents have to deal with.

He's working, he's got a partner (such as she is; predatory in my view, I'd think the same if the sexes were reversed), he's going to be a Dad, he's a family man, hes probably highly appreciated as a step Dad; presumably they don't see their bio Dad much of they've been moved 300 miles away from him. There are good points.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 09/04/2023 23:02

FrumptyMumpty

I’m planning for all my children and grandchildren to live close by when the time comes too.

I know I don’t have control and wouldn’t want to, but I’d definitely feel sad about it if any of them moved out of reach.

Out of interest, as I don't have grandchildren, what does out of reach mean for you? I understand wanting family to live near, but how would you actually plan for them all to live close by?

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 09/04/2023 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Brilliant name !!!!
What on earth is a "roastie" ??? 😂

grivelling · 09/04/2023 23:09

I would be concerned too I certainly wouldn't think "the boy done good" - more like he's ended up potentially trapped in a life he doesn't want far away from everything that previously made him happy.

I think seeing him once or twice a year is a huge problem. I think you need to be getting to him a lot more regularly come hell or high water, plus his brothers should be as well. It sounds as though he's always been a touch on the vulnerable side and I would be making sure he had a family visit once a month plus arrange some trips with some of you away from his partner so he can reconnect with family even if just days out.

23 and raising three kids which aren't his own is not a good place to be.

grivelling · 09/04/2023 23:11

Also I moved 300 miles away from family but we are so close I go back to them every couple of months and they come to me in the months I don't visit. We just prioritise it.

watcherintherye · 09/04/2023 23:15

MinnieEgg · 09/04/2023 21:04

Being at university 300 miles away is in no way comparable to a 23 year old raising four children 300 miles away.

My dd is at university 200 miles away and she's having a whale of a time. She's playing sports, staying up half the night with her flatmates and sleeping half the day. She's going to nightclubs and going to lectures on a subject she really loves.

That is nowhere near a life with three children and a pregnant girlfriend.

I know that's what he has chosen but it's not the life I would want for my adult son and so I think the OP is entitled to grieve for the life she would have liked him to have.

Well put.

girlfriend44 · 09/04/2023 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vile post
His life has nothing to do with you. You don't even know him

I bet he would be horrified if he knew his mum was discussing his business online too.

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 23:20

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 09/04/2023 22:28

Exactly this.

They had an affair, she ended her marriage, he moved in with her and has now decided to get her pregnant.

I don't know why it's all being pinned on her like she forced him to do all these things - at 23, he's just as much of an adult as she is, and is equally responsible for what's happened.

I wouldn't be particularly impressed if my child ended up behaving that way.

Show quote history

He was 21 - at which age incidentally your brain is still not finished developing into adulthood - when they met/first got involved and she is nearly a decade older.

That is not a level playing field. Especially not with the younger person being barely in their 20s and not having had any relationship experience.

This would be true of any sex (M/F) combo couple.

I'd be concerned about everything about this scenario it was a 23 yr old woman involved with a nearly decade older man, step parenting 3 of his kids, pregnant by him with a fourth, moved 300 miles away from her family and her income/livelihood tied up with him too. It's actually text book abuser/controller circumstances. It would be recognised faster on here as such if this was a young woman.

dottypotter · 09/04/2023 23:21

watcherintherye · 09/04/2023 23:15

Well put.

Show quote history

He's not here to please his mum, this is so silly.
Maybe he isn't happy about the way she lives hers?
At least he's alive and well. Some mums don't even have that.

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 23:23

he's just as much of an adult as she is

A 21-23 yr old with little life experience and no real relationship experience is not as much of an adult as a married person and parent almost a decade older than them - No.

AprilFool23 · 09/04/2023 23:26

*I'd be concerned about everything about this scenario it was a 23 yr old woman involved with a nearly decade older man, step parenting 3 of his kids, pregnant by him with a fourth, moved 300 miles away from her family and her income/livelihood tied up with him too. It's actually text book abuser/controller circumstances. It would be recognised faster on here as such if this was a young woman.

I should add - all within two years, as well.

Concerning, no matter what the gender/sex of the two ppl involved.