To be a bit sad about how eldest DS’s life has turned out?

[SimoneSayz]

I’ve got three sons aged 19, 21 and 23. The eldest, P, has always been a sweet, loving and kind boy who lacked confidence. When he finished university he’d never had a girlfriend, just a few dates here and there. The younger two had plenty of girlfriends and I know that made P sad. We have a close family and spend a lot of time with cousins.

P started work at 21 and quickly made friends with an older married woman with three young kids, B, who was 30 at the time. I don’t know the exact ins and outs but within six months of meeting P, she’d split from her husband and P moved from our house into her rented one. A few months after that, they moved 300 miles away to be closer to her family.

It’s now two years on and they’ve established a business and a life up there. We rarely see him, never alone, but sometimes he calls on his way to work and he sounds very stressed and isolated. He doesn’t have any friends of his own up there, never sees his old friends, and he works long and antisocial hours on their business whilst she looks after the kids. B is now pregnant.

I know he’s an adult, and has made his own choices, but AIBU to feel a little sad that he’s so far away and now probably always will be?

He’s got a partner and child on the way.
What’s sad about that?
That’s so much more than some of us ever get.
And has job/business, seems not only fine, but great!

Op, I think it's shit but what can you do about it.

As I said there are worse scenarios unfortunately.

Who knows how it'll work out. He's very young and there are many years ahead.

Incidentally, while apparently some womens bodies can counteract the pill, it seems fairly unusual and someone taking it correctly would have extremely low chances of getting pregnant. Your son hasn't had the sense to use condoms, ateotd he's still in the honeymoon period of the relationship at only 2 (?) years in and probably not thinking as he might have down the line.

But, what can you do ......

You say you're sad about how his life has turned out, but at 23, it hasn't turned out yet. It'll be a case of watch this space.

No, I'd feel exactly the same way about a 21 yr old woman with no relationship experience, straight out of uni; getting involved with a 30 year old married man with 3 kids and then moving in with him quickly, taking on step parenting role, moving 300 miles away from her family, getting into work that is related to/tied up with him, and then getting pregnant ...all within 2 years.

I'd be pretty worried about her.

@AprilFool23 the fact is “the other woman”
is 99% of the time chastised as a marriage wrecker. What’s any different here, other than the fact he is a man?! Other posters are urging his mother to reassure him it is fine to leave the children he has been complicit in a huge upheaval already. At best he has exercised extremely poor judgement with massive implications for those children; though hopefully their father is supporting them, as of course remains his role. I don’t really see why OP is feeling sorry for herself when another family has been hugely and directly impacted by that family being broken up. She should be helping to guide her DS to do the right thing which is to lay in the bed he has made

He's called crying that he's feeling homesick and said he couldn't afford to separate and now with baby kn the way he can't really leave the area of he wants to be an involved parent. So doesn't sound like he's in a good relationship and happy

It's one thing if this was about op missing her son because he lives far away. But this seems to be about a worry about a young man thay became a stepdad at 21 who is not particularly happy but has to live with the consequences of his decisions. It is a bit sad. If this was his chose and he was haply and loving life with his 3 kids and one on the way and having successful business and great work life balance. Then that's great for him!

the fact is “the other woman”
is 99% of the time chastised as a marriage wrecker.

Not by anyone with a tap of sense.
Ain't nobody walking in a closed door. Not only do the mm open that door, they invite the ow to walk through it.

And the younger and less experienced the ow/on, the even less they are culpable. Theres a reason the word "young and stupid" and paired.

Most of us have made mistakes and done shit wgen younger wed not do when older.

*are paired

At best he has exercised extremely poor judgement with massive implications for those children

Yeah because he was 20 fucking 1. A few dates but no previous relationship. Straight out of uni by the sounds of it. I used to listen (I had no choice) to early and even.mid twenty somethings on the train and they sound exactly like what they are - so where between older kids and ful adults. Their thoughts, their expression, their reasoning; it's not full adult. No doubt a few more posters will be on to assert how incredibly grown up they were at 21; maybe you were, for a 21 yr old. Many ppl are not like you.

This young man would only just have been allowed to buy alcohol in most US states.

The person with responsibility for their kids and their stability is their then 30 yr old mother.

I doubt the father's doing much from 300 miles away, unless he moved too (diesbt sound like it).

I find her behaviour irresponsible and predatory ... As I would a man doing the same thing.

He's called crying that he's feeling homesick and said he couldn't afford to separate and now with baby on the way he can't really leave the area of he wants to be an involved parent. So doesn't sound like he's in a good relationship and happy

Exactly a few factors entirely and conveniently ignored by some posters on here, determined to undermine the op. These ppl specialise in doing that on threads like this.

He sounds trapped.

I'd be worried about his mh going forward.

I don’t really see why OP is feeling sorry for herself when another family has been hugely and directly impacted by that family being broken up. She should be helping to guide her DS to do the right thing which is to lay in the bed he has made

If this woman left her husband with whom she had 3 kids for a 21 yr old - quite quickly by the sounds of it (he moved in with her, they've relocated and she's pregnant by him within two years) ....it doesn't sound like that particular family was going to last in its original form anyway. She's now apparently moved herself and her kids 300 miles away from the ex. Doesn't exactly sound like the dream, stable setup..She clearly wanted out asap and used ops son to give her the impetus and probably to have another salary/worker in her new household. Now she's bringing another child into their lives with the contraceptive "accident".

I don't think.ops son contributed to destroying something that wasn't already wrecked; to the contrary she seems to have been looking for an out, without having to be single; and she found it on an inexperienced malleable 21 yr old man.

Oh and op I'd not responsible for her son's actions, and sges perfectly entitled and natural to feel sad at how it's worked out. She probably hoped it would fizzle out. Instead he's as deep in as possible (without more kids with her) and does not sound happy. He's talking about braking up FFS, and the reasons he feels he cant.

If he was the shit person you appear to be portraying him as, he'd be out of there, and wouldn't be considering any of them.

She should be helping to guide her DS to do the right thing which is to lay in the bed he has made

No, that isn't the right thing.

He had one child with a nearly decade older woman who starred a relationship with him while married with 3 kids; he can end the relationship and try to responsibly coparent if he wants. He doesn't have to stay, Noone does. Just like his partner didn't when she was married with 3 kids!!

*breaking up

I'm sorry but isnt anyone else here going to point out that this woman is a predator?! She was unhappy in her marriage. She saw a vulnerable, naive and inexperienced 21 year old lad who she could easily influence and control and snared him, and has now isolated him from his family by moving him miles away from them and never let's them see him alone, and now has him completely trapped with a baby on the way! Im sorry but no other normal 21 year old bloke would even consider a 30 year old woman with 3 small kids!

And oh, OP, this woman might be nice to your face when you visit them, but you never know what's going on when you're not there and miles away. Most of the most controlling and abusive people I've known have been charming and friendly to outsiders.

Almost every parent has expectations or hopes for their children, and if it does not turn out as expected, reasonable to be sad. Probably the only thing you can do is reassure your DS you will be there for him if needed.

B is always friendly and welcoming but we really don’t know her well. My middle son isn’t keen at all, nor is his girlfriend. I don’t think B would be physically abusive but in other ways, perhaps… I know she controls the household finances and they’re in some joint debt. P doesn’t have enough for to take time off work to visit or to pay for the petrol but he’s always working. But then things are expensive with lots of children and only one worker.

@90sbab8 Sadly, I thought the exact same thing.

Why doesn't the Children’s father pay for them? Is he alive?

The thing is he's still very young and there's plenty of time to turn his life around. At 23 my life was a car crash living with an alcoholic (now ex) boyfriend, living off baked beans because we had no money at all. By 30 I was free of him and living a great life. By 35, I was a mum, a home owner, had a good career and a happy narriage. I also lacked confidence and was very shy. Don't wrote off your sons life at 23!

Agree. This is not something I would want for my son or daughter. The OP's son sounds miserable and I wonder if the girlfriend is stopping him from visiting his friends and family., using the excuse that he has no money.
He has no real legal obligation to her other 3 children really, sounds like he is a bit trapped in the situation. Where is the children's father? Now tbere is another baby on the way although that is his doing too.
Could you offer to send money for him to visit you then see what he says. If there are still excuses that says it all, he is entitled to see his own family and friends.

I'm not sure anyone would be happy about a 23 year old having 3 children and one on the way

His life sounds pretty hard

You just need to be there for him, not judge or project your obvious disappointment onto him. Go and visit him/them rather as much as you can. It’s pretty normal for at least 1 of your kids to live that far away, you can’t assume they’ll stay near you

Op I think I'd be making it very clear to him he is not responsible for her or her 3 children. If he wants to come home he is more than welcome. He only needs to co parent and support his own baby.

I don't believe that the baby was an accident. She's tried to trap him. If the baby is due soon then it's better for him to wait until the baby is born and his name is on the birth cert.

If the business isnt making money their comes a point when they have to close it. He talks to you when he's travelling to and from work. Listen to what he's tell you. And support him.

Why did he feel 'they couldn't separate ' ? They weren't married and her 3 children were not his. He could have left at any time then. Maybe she had "brainwashed" him into thinking that. He can still leave at anytime while taking responsibility for his own soon to be born baby. Are they renting? If he's not happy he needs to do something about it before the situation gets worse.