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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/04/2023 19:49

They need to stay elsewhere and pop in for an hour or two each day. That's it tbh.

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 09/04/2023 19:50

When are your parents and family visiting?

WarmWinterSun · 09/04/2023 19:50

I think it’s a bit controlling not to let them pop in on the bank holiday. YABU I’m afraid

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 09/04/2023 19:51

It's your husbands attitude that would concern me more rather than the excitement of your in-laws wanting to meet your new baby.

Groutyonehereagain · 09/04/2023 19:52

I didn’t see anyone until I was ready. Your DH is being a dick. Stick to your guns @inky1991 and only do what suits you. You are the person giving birth, it’s up to you to say who and when.

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 19:52

I feel like you've added the bit in that he said about women having it easy to get us on side because you know you're being unfair.

There's no harm in his family visiting. You could ask them to come two or three at a time through the day if you're worried about space but they're respecting your 'two week bubble'.

Telibarb · 09/04/2023 19:52

Your husband said what? You're having major surgery, not having an injection. What a c*nt!!

BeaRightThere · 09/04/2023 19:53

Ridiculously unreasonable. It's only on Mumsnet that you hear about new mothers wanting to be in a bubble excluding visitors.

44PumpLane · 09/04/2023 19:53

YANBU......do you feel able to call your MIL directly and have a conversation with her?

"Really looking forward to seeing you all but ideally I'd like a couple weeks to recover, bond with baby, establish BF etc. Husband doesn't get it but I know you'll understand as a fellow Mum" type of thing?

Or call her and say can she be the only one to visit in that first fortnight.

We are in a similar situation in my brother's fiancee has just given birth and they live hours away, my Mum is desperate to visit but my brother has said that his partner needs a bit of time. My Mum gets it but I think that's partly because I've been in her ear about how it's so important to allow the Mum some time to recover, heal, bond and not have to have visitors.

Your husband should be supporting you on this.....you're the one who will have just been through serious surgery.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 09/04/2023 19:53

What is happening with your parents and friends op?

mamabear715 · 09/04/2023 19:54

Lovely! Relatives to visit & meet baby.
Just make sure you're sat resting, & DH is the kettle putter onner & cake cutter, & no-one stays longer than an hour. Should be fine.

LittleMG · 09/04/2023 19:54

OP I totally hear you but 2 weeks without them seeing the new baby is a bit much. They should give you a few days to get home then visit for a couple of hours maybe over a couple of days but stay in a hotel. Extended visits are a no no. Your other half needs to understand that’s not
just you that’s everyone. No one wants extended visits when they’ve had a baby. Show him this thread.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 09/04/2023 19:54

Usually in these situations I think FTMs can be a bit precious but that's a LOT of visitors so soon after giving birth. I think if they come, an hour tops visit per day.

I would honestly see how you are and play it by ear. I couldn't wait for visitors and looked forward to people visiting because it meant I could rest for a bit and nothing was expected from me. Not all visitors are as nice as mine were though so make sure you set your stall out with your OH.

BHRK · 09/04/2023 19:55

I think 10 days after the birth is fine for a visit. Breastfeeding can be an absolute pain to set out for quite a few months anyway. I’d get them to stay elsewhere and pop in for a few hours a day. It will be fine. They will obviously be very excited about visiting the baby, which is of course natural

Suzi888 · 09/04/2023 19:55

Well mine came whilst I was in hospital! So a visit a few days after I was home would’ve been bliss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2023 19:55

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

Oh dear. Well his family aren’t to blame for him being a douche bag.

Fwiw I’m two weeks on from a section and my mum came to the hospital with our older DC the next day and we had visitors popping in from a couple of days later. Had a house full all day on Friday and a different lot of people over tomorrow.

I feel pretty good, haven’t needed any pain relief for a couple of days, mobile and feeding well and all okay, despite some complications.

I never understand the idea of a bubble of no one coming over for a specific amount of time. With both my babies I was delighted to show them off, have people enjoy a baby cuddle and compliment my newborn. But our friends and family are kind decent people who arrive with food - lasagnes, so many lasagnes - and love and don’t overstay so it depends on what they’re usually like as guests.

SwordToFlamethrower · 09/04/2023 19:55

Erm, one month minimum!

Germs, chaos, healing to do, bonding...

You do not want to interrupt your healing and bonding time with outsiders. You will regret it!

I had one month of isolation and it was bliss. I hoped it would never end.

Curiosity101 · 09/04/2023 19:56

YANBU - You're recovering from something major. Personally I didn't want to see anyone for weeks after having my boys. I just wanted to be left alone to look after them and adjust.

I think you need to talk to your DH some more and hopefully he'll come round.

Worst case scenario I would suggest the best option (if they have to come round), is to suggest they only stay for an hour or two and your DH facilitates. Let him know baby can go downstairs whilst you rest upstairs and he'll bring the baby back to you immediately if they fuss. But that you don't want to be disturbed. If you're feeling up to interacting with people on the day then great, but at least then if you're feeling how to expect to feel then you can use it as a way to get an hour or twos break.

Original poster
inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:57

I only have my mum and step dad around the corner, I don't have much other family. My Dad will pop down briefly too from London.

It's not that I don't want in-laws to visit baby - I'm very excited for them to! It's more how many of them are coming down at the same time!

If DH acted a bit more caring about my feelings, I would probably not have my back up about it. Once baby is here I'll hopefully realise that I'll feel fine to have lots of visitors. Atm it's just the unknown, and having the thought of loads of guests arriving, playing pass the parcel with a baby etc....and he's not even here yet!

OP posts:
RandomUsernameHere · 09/04/2023 19:58

I would probably say yes to his parents but no to everyone else. That is a lot of people! It's just a matter of personal preference though.

SwordToFlamethrower · 09/04/2023 19:58

Video calls are a thing. You deserve time with your infant and no outside interference.

ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 19:58

I have literally only ever heard of people behaving like this on MN. Sharing the happiness of a newborn with closest family and friends is so special, I would be absolutely devastated if my DCs did this, my mum and MIL sat in the waiting room whilst I had my c-section with DC2, they were at the hospital when I had DC1. I couldn't imagine not wanting to share that time with them.

I had lots of visitors, 1st time was a great way to break up the day, 2nd time was a great help after section to help with making drinks, food and sorting toddler. Sometime if my mum or MIL came round I'd pop off to bed for an hour or two.

Up to you to do whatever you want of course but I can imagine your DH would be extremely upset.

Betsyboo87 · 09/04/2023 19:58

It really depends on how much time they are expecting to spend with you. If they are just popping in for a couple of hours each day then I think it’s fine. If they will come round, spend the whole day sat on your sofa and expect you to host then yanbu. PP do make a good point about what your family are doing? If you expect your in laws to stay away then you should treat your family the same.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2023 19:59

No one has to play pass the baby parcel. Just ask for your baby back when you miss them, they need changing or feeding. I’ve never hesitated to do that and no one’s ever complained.

ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 19:59

I would split up visits if you can't manage lots of visitors. I didn't find it any harder having a houseful than just one or two and no different than when not having a newborn really but you know how you manage with visitors etc.