In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

[inky1991]

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I'd make him sit and watch a c-section video. Does he actually understand that it's major abdominal surgery? If any bloody man had similar, they'd not be expected to host brother's girlfriends! I think you're married to an arsehole.

However, see how you feel. Some people bounce well, I didn't. As for siblings and their partners, do not lift your little finger. He can host them, feed them and pass the baby around. You can need several long naps.

Totally get how you feel, I was same before mine arrived - with so many unknowns around birth and recovery I felt bit anxious at having to make solid plans ahead of time when I had no idea how I would feel!

Your DH sounds like a total dick btw sorry but hes defo an issue!

I dont think theres anything wrong with speaking to MIL yourself and just saying you are really looking forward to seeing them (the original 4 who had planned to come) and that you're bit daunted by recovery from section etc so would brother/gf etc mind just holding fire on drfinite plans until baby is here and you know the lie of the land etc..

I know plenty on MN slate FTMs for being anxious of visitors in first couple of weeks, but I think most of the time its less about being precious and more just trying to cope with the overwhelming amount of change/information/managing health professional visits/changes in routine and relationships and physical recovery, rather than being wanting to stay in some precious bubble

I am so sorry to hear this, sending lots of love your way. I am not sure if people realise how upsetting this can be for families.

Your husband sounds so unpleasant, does he often talk like that to you? I think that’s your main problem!

And to whoever said that women only want to isolate themselves from their partner’s family - I would have thought it was obvious that a woman going through labour or major surgery might want the comfort and support of her family, rather than her in laws?!

They aren’t staying with you, I think you’re being rude and unfair to you partner.

I think YABU as they're not staying with you. I would make it clear you don't feel up to 'hosting' but allow them to visit. You may actually find it helpful to have some family to lean on for a few hours each day. X

I know plenty on MN slate FTMs for being anxious of visitors in first couple of weeks, but I think most of the time its less about being precious and more just trying to cope with the overwhelming amount of change/information/managing health professional visits/changes in routine and relationships and physical recovery, rather than being wanting to stay in some precious bubble

Yes it's exactly this. I'm sure some mums just don't like their in-laws that much but that's not me at all. I genuinely love all of mine and want them to be part of the baby's life as much as possible!

It's just all a bit scary having all these plans during the most disruptive time of my life.

Some of these comments - to a new mum, on Mumsnet - are seriously awful.

The word controlling keeps popping up as a term of abuse. Um, I think a woman should be in control of her baby and her body and her healing and her adjustment to motherhood. Who else should be in control?

Be controlling, OP. Someone needs to be in control - you're the best woman for the job.

"2 week bubble" make me cringe so much. So many precious parents on here.

It will effect your relationship for years if you allow it to.

Okay first of all he can shut up 😂 Has he grown a child? Will he be giving birth to one? nope!

I was a bit anxious about this before my c-section, mainly because my in-laws never visit but when they do they stay for hours on end. I just really didn’t want this to happen when I had no idea what sort of state I’d be in. I’d said to my mum and siblings before it that I would love them to visit but for a very quick initial visit. They came, brought a big hamper of pamper things for me, brought loads of baby presents, took my washing away and very quickly met baby. They must have stayed 20-30 minutes max. He said he’d said the same to his family but low and behold, exactly what I feared unfolded. He said I wasn’t quite ready for visitors yet on day 2 and my MIL said on loud speaker to him ‘we’re not coming to see her, we’re coming to the see the baby HAHAHA’ 😑 As if that was hilarious. My biggest regret is not just telling them to F off at that point! But I let them come, even though I wasn’t ready. I was really uncomfortable sitting on the sofa but thought surely they won’t stay for over an hour when they know I’ve just had a major operation. They came, stayed for 4 hours drinking cups of tea, repeatedly passed the baby about to the point I couldn’t even get him back to feed him and didn’t even bring a little gift or anything for baby. I cried after they left as I was so exhausted and just felt like they’d walked all over the top of me. My husband agreed that it was far too much and said he’d speak to them. A few days later the exact same visit happened for a second time 😩

As soon as my baby turned 6 weeks, they lost interest. 2 months went by and they didn’t come to visit at all. I’m now having my second and will absolutely not be putting anyone else’s feelings or comfort above my own this time. The baby and the mum are literally the only two important people in all of this. Everyone else can wait for their ‘cuddle’ if it’s going to stress you out. We will be making it VERY clear this time that they come for less than 30 minutes and we will let them know when we’re ready for visits. Whatever you want to do, do that. You will have an operation to recover from, you really don’t need to be worrying about what other people are doing and if you want to go to your bed, you need the option to do that. Put your foot down and make it very clear what is happening before the baby is here so that you don’t look back on it as a really stressful time. Good luck!

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

@inky1991 Why wouldn't he want to make life easier for his wife when she's just given birth? It's pretty much his job to do that at that point, as much as he can.

As long as you're not lifting or walking too far I'm not sure why this would necessarily be an issue. Sections aren't awful for everyone. I was walking my DC1 to nursery with DC2 in the pram after 10 days, it varies massively so not out of the question.

I’m with you 100% OP and I think as a pp suggested, them staying elsewhere and popping in for an hour or so a day is reasonable. Them coming all day and expecting to be waited on is not acceptable. It’s also too many people and can you ask if only grandparents can come at first?

Not trying to frighten you, but I had a traumatic labour and hard recovery and my son was unwell and was in hospital until he was 9 days old. If family had planned to visit they would have come for no reason as our hospital wouldn’t have let them visit. You really don’t need the stress and I’d be asking for them to visit once you are home and settled and make the plans then once you’re home! You haven’t even had baby yet for goodness sake and everyone else is already dictating when they will come and see baby. Not to mention that’s a lot of germ exposure to a tiny baby.

Your husband is being an absolute arse!! How dare he. Childbirth is hard and those first few weeks are for you and your precious baby to bond. Not for anyone else!!

They stay else where and short visit from there point of view and your DH they must just feel ostracised
I think honest conversations all round speak to them tell them your concerns
but I do think there’s room for compromise

I agree. I’ve never heard of this apart from
MN.

I can see why they're restricting your access...

Better to get them all over and done with in one go than all spread out, or u’ll find yr life taken over for weeks.

Honestly it's not like mum has to be up and about doing entertaining dances. It's 10 days after she's given birth & they aren't staying over. She can be sat on the couch let the family see them & the baby have a take away and they go home. They don't even live near so it's not like they will be popping in every weekend.

Sorry OP, nothing constructive to add. I have only ever heard of this bubble stuff on here. Also, I had my second during the January 2021 lockdown and apart from MIL having one cuddle as we came home from hospital (she'd been looking after our eldest), the in-laws didn't see him until he was 10 weeks old and my family (overseas but very close) not until he was 4 months old. I know it's very four Yorkshiremen of me, but you (and the vast majority of posters on this thread) have no idea how lucky you are to even have this "problem". The first few months of DS2's life were horrible for me. I would never, ever, forego the chance to have family around. Tell them one hour max. Trust me, you will not know what day of the week it is, so BH weekends are neither here nor there. All that said, your DH sounds like a dick! I found my (planned) sections very doable and certainly was on my feet at 10 days, but it's not like that for everyone.

It's very unreasonable of them to be discussing it before the baby is here and without consideration for your feelings. My in laws live far away but we had no discussion about it before either of my children arrived, we all played it by ear! You have no idea how you'll feel!

As it happens, they came up two days after first one was born, stayed with another relative and popped in for an hour on two different days and it was lovely. Other family did similar and was all done on an ad hoc basis of how we were feeling. I loved visitors for a short period but did cancel some when I wasn't feeling up to it.

The second time they came to stay to help with my toddler as i was struggling and happened to be with us when I went into to labour so stayed and looked after toddler until I was home. They were wonderful and I appreciate their kindness and sensitivity.

@PrincessofWellies my family didn’t meet my son until he was 5 weeks old due to Covid and us being anxious. Not to mention he nearly died and we were both still recovering! They were overjoyed to finally meet him. My in laws met him when he was 1! As we said they could journey to us to see him. There’s no bad feeling either side. You need to grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s not about you!

I'm sorry but I think everyone on here saying you're being selfish is completely crazy. No one is entitled to see a baby. The only thing that baby cares about is building a safe bond with its parents. The only thing you as new parents should be focused on is your recovery from birth and your child. If people are willing to just pop in briefly and meet the baby and respect your need for space that's fine, it's great for everyone to meet the little one. But loads of visitors who will be at your house for most of the day is not something many new mothers want to deal with.

For some women recovery from birth is quick and easy, others it's very painful and very hard physically, plus the exhaustion of a new baby. I know the idea of having a house full of people would have filled me with horror when my baby was born. Your husband and his family are being the selfish ones, there's no reason they can't spread the visits out more. Just because it's a bank holiday and convenient for them doesn't mean that should take priority.

Also people saying 'it's always the in laws' that women don't want to see after birth - well, yeah, obviously! You want people you are very comfortable with who won't mind your massive sanitary pads in the bathroom and having your boobs out, not people who often times you don't know well. They don't care about you, not in the same way they care about their flesh and blood, and so often will prioritise baby hogging and asking their son how he is whilst ignoring the mother. Obviously you get great ILs too but many people have difficult relationships with them, so not sure why people here can't understand that.

I would 100% NOT agree to it now, you will be told you're being completely outrageous if they've already booked a trip in and you say after the birth you're not ready for visitors. Your partner also sounds extremely selfish and like there's no way he will be kicking them all out if you're exhausted and they overstay their welcome.

Whatever happened to people being waited to be invited ? Totally feel for you. Clearly I was very lucky with my family . Wishing you all the best and I suspect it will turn out fine.