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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2023 20:00

I can see both sides:

Bank holiday weekend is the ideal time for them to come, it’s 10 days after the birth so not too soon, plus they’re not staying with you.

However, I can see how that many people at once is a bit overwhelming.

Compromise: visits last no longer than 2 hours & you don’t move off your bum the entire time.

m00rfarm · 09/04/2023 20:00

Sorry - YABU. You are really expecting them to wait two weeks before they set eyes on the child? THey do not all have to arrive at the same time. That is clearly too many if your house is as small as you say. But two at a time should be doable over a few days.

Monsterpage · 09/04/2023 20:01

Honestly stop looking for problems. They are excited to see the new member of the family. I cane out of hospital the day after my baby was born and my mum and dad were waiting and stayed with us (in the same house) for 5 days sharing the joy. They left and then my MIL arrived 2 days later for 3 weeks (from overseas) to stay.
I just made sure I took myself off when I was tired and my husband kept up tipped up with drinks. I walked the baby in the pram every day and i can’t tell you how happy my Mum and my MIL were to push that pram and for people to comment on the baby.
It’s a happy time.
just tell everyone your recouping from a major op so you may be tired but want them to see the baby so just bear with you and be patient.
Dont look for problems - just tell your husband he needs to step up.

Glitteratitar · 09/04/2023 20:01

You haven’t actually answered WHEN your family will be visiting?

UsingChangeofName · 09/04/2023 20:02

I was with your dh until this
He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

If they aren't staying with you, I don't think it is unreasonable for him to want to let his family share his joy and excitement too.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2023 20:03

I think given you've said 2 weeks and the first BH is 10 days, I'd let Mom come down the day before rather than making her wait the full two weeks.

Presumably the ILs will be only half at a time, staying elsewhere as its over two weekends? Sleeping elsewhere, just limit how long, say its 2 or 3 at a time because of space.

londonrach · 09/04/2023 20:04

Mn yanbu...rest of the world and real life yabu. Take it as it comes but two weeks is a long time and unless you had an awful birth you be wanting to show off baby and tbh it's important for baby to become part of their extended family. ...I'm on the wait and see fence...however your DH comment might push me off it ....

londonrach · 09/04/2023 20:05

Tbh your family visit same time as your DH family but talk to DH re his comments....

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 09/04/2023 20:06

It's not that I don't want in-laws to visit baby - I'm very excited for them to! It's more how many of them are coming down at the same time!

I totally understand and YANBU. Having the grandparents for a short visit is fine, the rest of the extended family can visit a bit later when you're more settled.

If your husband won't do it then maybe you can reach out to your MIL, tell her how excited you are for her to see the baby and just explain you're not up to a house full of company quite so soon.

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2023 20:10

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 19:52

I feel like you've added the bit in that he said about women having it easy to get us on side because you know you're being unfair.

There's no harm in his family visiting. You could ask them to come two or three at a time through the day if you're worried about space but they're respecting your 'two week bubble'.

She doesn’t want a house full of visitors straight after having major surgery. What about that is at all unreasonable???

diddl · 09/04/2023 20:10

Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them

Say what now?

I don't think when Op's parents will be visiting is relevant tbh.

I could cope with seeing my own parents when I was tearful, bleeding, trying to bfeed.

Ils-not so much!

SpacePotato · 09/04/2023 20:10

I bet your 'DH' and his family will be fully expecting you to play host while he sits on his arse too.

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 20:11

@Soontobe60 did you quote the wrong person or just completely ignore the second part of my post?

coconutpie · 09/04/2023 20:11

Your "D"H is a twat. Saying women have it easy? You're having major abdominal surgery and will have a newborn to look after? You have a husband problem.

saraclara · 09/04/2023 20:12

The grandparents deserve to see the baby after ten days. That's already a long time to wait.
Maybe your DH's parents and grandparents could come down first, and his siblings another time?

NameChange30 · 09/04/2023 20:12

It is exhausting having visitors when you have a newborn but it is also lovely to get all the hugs, congratulations and well wishes. So if people are staying elsewhere, don't visit at mealtimes unless they bring the meal, and keep the visits quite brief (no longer than an hour, 1h30 max) then it's fine. Also if your DH does the "hosting" (and I mean just offering drinks and maybe biscuits or something, nothing else!) and you can just rest and focus on baby.

I do see your point about too many visitors at once, though, and I preferred to spread them out as well. So maybe you could suggest that just PILs (I think you said there's his mum & step dad plus his dad) for the first bank holiday weekend? And then maybe his siblings and their partners for the next bank holiday weekend?

Having said all that, your "D"H is being an absolute dick about the birth - hopefully he'll change his tune when baby is born, and if he doesn't you'll have bigger problems than his family visiting Confused

What is like generally in terms of being respectful to you and your needs? How has he been through your pregnancy? And have there been any disagreements (big or small) about his family in the past?

Gustavo1 · 09/04/2023 20:12

I agree it’s a lot of people. Can they not spilt up and come half and half? The mil couple and grandparent couple the first weekend and the sister, brother and partners the second one?

When people are visiting, it’s fine to pop for a sleep, go and feed baby upstairs etc. Make sure you’re generous with the cuddles but don’t be afraid to take baby back and do what needs to be done.

Broadbeachshallow · 09/04/2023 20:12

You know what? Do whatever the hell you want. YOU carried that baby for 9 months, you are having major surgery to deliver, you are establishing breastfeeding. No one's feelings - no one's - matter more than yours. Doesn't matter if they feel hurt or left out or that you're a primadonna - and your dh is an utter twat to have suggested that. If he was giving birth it would be another story!

You aren't keen on guests. He needs to support you. A good man would run interference with his family, not force an unwanted horde of houseguests on you 10 days post-birth.

I'm sure some posters would be fine hosting a wedding reception for their in-laws 10 days after a c-section, complete with making the cake.

But that isn't you. Act in your own self-interest. No houseguests. Visitors allowed in small numbers, for a short time. They stay in hotels, not your house.

This is one time in your life when it bloody well is all about you.

BeeDavis · 09/04/2023 20:12

I literally don’t know anyone who’s had a child and wanted a 2 week bubble afterwards… like what’s that all about?! Just let people come and visit ffs what do you think is going to happen? I couldn’t wait to show off my little baby!! It’s such a weird mentality.

chocolatemademefat · 09/04/2023 20:14

Two week bubble. Yawn. Because no one else ever had a baby.

Original poster
inky1991 · 09/04/2023 20:14

I would just like to add that I had already agreed ages ago that his mum, step dad, gran and grandad could come down for those weekends. The row only erupted today cause suddenly it's escalated to brother, brothers gf, sister, and dad too.

So I was always completely fine with MIL coming when she wanted. Of course I get everyone wants to see baby asap!

My mum and step dad live around the corner, they would obviously see the baby soon after birth. The only other visitor my side is my Dad who wants to come down soon after birth too for a quick visit. I told him it will probably only be an hour at a time.

Very much mixed responses on here, I will go ahead and say yeah to them all - but just be strict about visiting hours.

I just need to berate DH for saying I'm having baby painlessly cut out of me 😬. What a fucking knob

OP posts:
cleanbreak2022 · 09/04/2023 20:15

I'm coming at this from a different perspective.

I had a baby in 2014 and a stressful/traumatic birth and was inundated with visitors. Which added to a more stressful time.

I then had a planned c section in 2020 (covid) in between lock downs.

The birth and post partum period was infinitely easier with the 2020 baby!

That being said, as it was in between lock downs I did have immediate family for a few hours here and there and it was manageable.

There was a lot to be said for recovery and establishing breastfeeding when I was just left to it.

I would do it like that again in a heartbeat! 10 days out and you'll most likely be grateful for some help. So maybe limit visitors and time spent?

Good luck and congratulations!

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 20:15

My mum and step dad live around the corner, they would obviously see the baby soon after birth. The only other visitor my side is my Dad who wants to come down soon after birth too for a quick visit. I told him it will probably only be an hour at a time.

So not two weeks later?

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 20:17

Two weeks ban from seeing the baby. That's ridiculous. They can come for short visits.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 09/04/2023 20:18

You don’t really know how you will feel until baby is here. You might be struggling and need space or you might want to show the baby off. With DD we got readmitted due to her losing too much weight so we were re-released when she was 6 days old which was a Friday. That weekend I just wanted to stay home, try to get breastfeeding established, sleep in my own bed, eat what I wanted and give DH a bit of time with both of us. However, by the following weekend I wanted to show DD off but my family didn’t live nearby and so I wasn’t able to show her off.

I would say that in-laws book a refundable premier inn. If you aren’t up to visitors then you can cancel their first visit. You can also say a couple of hours or also take baby to a restaurant somewhere for a few hours.

If your DH has said that women have it easy tell him to undertake major abdominal surgery and that he’s got it easy.

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