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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
artimesiasfootsteps · 09/04/2023 20:18

I had two weeks with no visitors, dp and I decided this beforehand and I’m glad we did because my csection recovery was not smooth sailing (not going into the details here) and breast feeding was very very tough for the first month and if we’d had visitors early on I don’t think I would have stuck with it. I had to use shields so no discreet breast feeding it was a palava every feed.

It’s major surgery, (and I’ve had many surgeries for various things) and everyone has a different recovery and post partum experience.

Your DP should be putting your needs front and centre. As my community midwife said, all the baby needs for the first months is it’s mother and father. She was great actually, because when his family did start visiting they were a nightmare, and she hustled them a few times as she said they were interrupting the baby’s feeding cues and messing up our breastfeeding.

Too many visitors is exhausting too when you’re healing. I think 3 max at a time, visits max 30/45 mins long and no passing the baby around. Make sure dp ensures that visits are run smoothly and not interrupting your routine.

Glitteratitar · 09/04/2023 20:18

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 20:17

Two weeks ban from seeing the baby. That's ridiculous. They can come for short visits.

Only her in laws. Not her own parents.

FangedFrisbee · 09/04/2023 20:19

@Glitteratitar yeah it's always the in-laws.

PizzaPastaWine · 09/04/2023 20:20

The problem here isn't the visitors - it's your DPs attitude. He sounds awful.

As for visitors - just let them come. This 'bubble' thing sounds a bit ridiculous and slightly controlling when the rules are different for your parents.

Sapphire387 · 09/04/2023 20:20

Your husband is being really disrespectful, downplaying your role in carrying and birthing your joint child. Just awful.

It's clear how overwhelming this feels for you. If I were you, I would not agree to anything now, but wait and see how you feel after the birth. You might recover quickly, have cabin fever and enjoy the extra company. Or you might need longer before you feel ready. Husband should be supporting you either way - nobody has the 'right' to visit a mother and newborn until the mother feels ready.

TheEarlofButties · 09/04/2023 20:21

For what it’s worth I kind of like when the whole family visits together, all over with in one go. Or, meet at a local pub, free to leave whenever you want!

eggboxontop · 09/04/2023 20:21

I just had the granny's and grandads visit in the first 2 weeks. And that was plenty.

It's a big transition.

Your husband is being an absolute arse, his role should be supporting you and protecting your space as a family in that time.

If I'm being generous then maybe he just doesn't understand what having your first baby is like and he will change his tune.

artimesiasfootsteps · 09/04/2023 20:22

@TheEarlofButties at the pub after a C-section?

Partyatno10 · 09/04/2023 20:23

So your parents and step parent are welcome straight after the birth, but not your husband's. Poor in laws, I'd be heartbroken in their position and I think if I was your dp/dh, I would also resent you for stopping my family from visiting tbh.

Hellno45 · 09/04/2023 20:24

A Csection isn't a paper cut. It's a proper surgery with both internal and external stitches. A man telling you to man up needs a kick in the balls of 10. Dickhead.

I think coming on mass is a bit much. His patents visiting for a few hours should be fine.

He needs to realise you'll be finding your feet with the baby. You'll be a bit sore. You'll might be trying to establish breastfeeding. You'll be tired and emotional. He needs to support you

Rosebel · 09/04/2023 20:24

I think it's too many people too soon, especially if they are all coming both weekends.
I gave birth during Covid so didn't get any visitors apart from my parents for a month (we were in a bubble). I couldn't wait to see more people but that was a totally different situation.
You are the one giving birth you get to decide who and when. Your DH sounds like an uncaring prick. I hope he's normally more considerate about your feelings.

Humblebert · 09/04/2023 20:24

Please stick to your guns and do what is best for you. It’s not about your in laws it’s about you and the baby. I didn’t stick to my guns and I regret it. Yes, some people are totally fine with loads of visitors etc in the early days and that is totally fine but if you’re not then do what is best for you.

Inthebathagain · 09/04/2023 20:24

Thank you to those who said the 2 week bubble is an MN thing. Never heard of it before. There are some seriously strange ideas on here that I've never seen in any friends in real life.

@inky1991 I get the anxiety of the unknown, but you can always cancel a day or two before if you really don't feel up to it. For me, I had people round the same day I got home from hospital as they were delivering our dinner. Different people every day for two weeks.

My frikking XMIL thought that because she, XFIL, XSIL and XBIL had driven 90mins to see baby, it was ok to stay all day. I ended up going upstairs with baby to feed, as I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in public 4 days after the birth. She had a "quiet word" with XH that I didn't stay downstairs. I had a loud word with XH when he told me what she'd said. She heard.

So seriously, be clear on how long you'd like them to stay and how you will be dealing with baby feeds, whether breast or bottle.

Original poster
inky1991 · 09/04/2023 20:25

FangedFrisbee · 09/04/2023 20:19

@Glitteratitar yeah it's always the in-laws.

I don't know where I said I had a 2 week ban on in-laws visiting. Have you actually read any of my posts?

MIL was always coming down the first bank holiday, I'm only really discussing the fact all extended family are coming down too at the same time.

Of course if my mum lives around the corner, she is going to see baby. If my MIL lived around the corner too it would be the same, as I can tell them to leave when it's not convenient anymore without feeling guilty.

It's also completely normal for a woman to want her own mother a little more in the vulnerable times after birth. It's no reflection on MIL 🙄

OP posts:
Silentmama · 09/04/2023 20:25

mamabear715 · 09/04/2023 19:54

Lovely! Relatives to visit & meet baby.
Just make sure you're sat resting, & DH is the kettle putter onner & cake cutter, & no-one stays longer than an hour. Should be fine.

NO NO NO...

2 weeks - not having to get out of pjs - not having to see anyone and just bond - is lovely

Different people want different things.

MW - stepped in for me and told them all to go - in the second week - my feeding was problematic - and people being around made it all worse.

Stick to your guns OP.. no visitors - not even for an hour - enjoy your baby moon

Original poster
inky1991 · 09/04/2023 20:27

It's clear how overwhelming this feels for you. If I were you, I would not agree to anything now, but wait and see how you feel after the birth. You might recover quickly, have cabin fever and enjoy the extra company. Or you might need longer before you feel ready.

This is exactly it. I'm sure I'll be fine with it all once baby is here. It's the unknown and just wanting to wait until baby arrives until I have to think about loads of guests - mine and his!

OP posts:
custardbear · 09/04/2023 20:28

You should let them come but put in boundaries. If you're bf then they leave you alone, they take your/your DH lead on the baby's needs. They help themselves to tea and coffee and stay only an hour once or twice a day.
The bubble thing is a bit precious - sorry but it is and people will be eager to see a new baby

TheaBrandt · 09/04/2023 20:29

You might find you get abit lonely and will be excited to show off / talk about the birth / baby.

That said I think they are being insensitive turning up mob handed. Should be just his parents not the rest of the crowd.

Daisydu · 09/04/2023 20:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2023 19:55

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

Oh dear. Well his family aren’t to blame for him being a douche bag.

Fwiw I’m two weeks on from a section and my mum came to the hospital with our older DC the next day and we had visitors popping in from a couple of days later. Had a house full all day on Friday and a different lot of people over tomorrow.

I feel pretty good, haven’t needed any pain relief for a couple of days, mobile and feeding well and all okay, despite some complications.

I never understand the idea of a bubble of no one coming over for a specific amount of time. With both my babies I was delighted to show them off, have people enjoy a baby cuddle and compliment my newborn. But our friends and family are kind decent people who arrive with food - lasagnes, so many lasagnes - and love and don’t overstay so it depends on what they’re usually like as guests.

its great you felt so good after your c section, genuinely. But not all women do. I was in a lot of pain for at least a week. I would have hated loads of visitors, I didn’t feel up to it at all.

op, maybe see how you feel when you’ve had baby? You may feel great after the section and feel alright about it. If you don’t then I think 10 days after baby is born isn’t too bad to have visitors. Just make sure you’re not doing anything, tell dh that he will be responsible for getting cups of tea and tidying and cleaning and all that. He should be more empathetic though.

FangedFrisbee · 09/04/2023 20:30

@inky1991 I just think the need to hole up in the house is a bit pathetic to be honest. But you do you.

Just be aware they probably won't want to baby sit for you in 3 years time if you keep 'bubbled away as a family unit' forever

IWineAndDontDine · 09/04/2023 20:30

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 19:52

I feel like you've added the bit in that he said about women having it easy to get us on side because you know you're being unfair.

There's no harm in his family visiting. You could ask them to come two or three at a time through the day if you're worried about space but they're respecting your 'two week bubble'.

I agree with the first bit 🤣 it's always a relatively unreasonable post with a hugely offensive comment thrown in by partner to make people switch sides.

Why is it FTM want "isolated baby bubbles" from their in laws but never their families? I'm sure it's a control thing

Whichnumbers · 09/04/2023 20:31

Who knows what will happen, hoping your c section goes well and you return home swiftly.

my dd1 had a baby 3 weeks ago & her own family have been visiting in stages

her own sister is visiting tomorrow for the first time.

visiting has been naturally staggered, which has given dd time to recover, not from the birth but other complications that meant a return to hospital for 8 days

tell your dh yours and babies birth is more important than visiting schedules

DeflatedAgain · 09/04/2023 20:32

My family did this and kept turning up at my house unannounced as well.

I told them to back right off...and they did 😂

Hello12345678910 · 09/04/2023 20:32

First time mum to an 11 month old here
My BIGGEST regret is not having that "bubble" and just sitting at home enjoying him and my partner. Between visitors, midwife and doctors appointments it was hell. Stick to your guns if you don't want them there!

Original poster
inky1991 · 09/04/2023 20:33

Why is it FTM want "isolated baby bubbles" from their in laws but never their families? I'm sure it's a control thing

Maybe because we are FTM and are completely overwhelmed about what it's all going to be like? Like I keep saying it's the unknown, and as soon as baby is here that will all get stripped away and I'll realise I was being silly. I also feel more comfortable having my boobs out and being in pain in front of my own family rather than my in-laws if that's ok.

OP posts:
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