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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
jannier · 12/04/2023 13:58

fragolino · 12/04/2023 13:14

@jannier

I don't understand the response to my post.

Do you not think it's obvious that the mother of the woman who has just birthed a baby is going to be more concerned and focused on their own child than the mother of someone else?..

No they are family the DIL has given a grandchild the most precious thing you would love and care for her like she were your own.

fragolino · 12/04/2023 13:59

@jannier

Oh I see, we are talking at cross purposes.
. Yes of course that's the ideal situation, but as we know unfortunately mils go mad around the birth and get jealous and nasty.

jannier · 12/04/2023 13:59

fragolino · 12/04/2023 13:15

@jannier

The mils who in my experience get pushed away are those that need pushing! Because they themselves are extremely pushy.

Not by the typical venomous posts that are put on here that implies every in law is the worst only good enough for unpaid childcare.

fragolino · 12/04/2023 14:00
  • some mils of course, many are wonderful.

But the types we hear about on here are usually the mad, bad and dangerous to know types

jannier · 12/04/2023 14:02

fragolino · 12/04/2023 13:59

@jannier

Oh I see, we are talking at cross purposes.
. Yes of course that's the ideal situation, but as we know unfortunately mils go mad around the birth and get jealous and nasty.

Won't they have a reason too if pushed away for weeks while the sainted grandmother has open access? I think it's more that some DILS don't think about the feelings involved.

SemperIdem · 12/04/2023 14:15

jannier · 12/04/2023 13:11

But presumably you love your partner and respect them and while you busily push them away I bet childcare will be a different issue and a moaning fit about now I want them why are they not here waiting for me to snap my fingers. Jesus I'm lucky my DIL invited us to the hospital after he c section the same with her twins. I'd do anything for her but I'm not sure id feel the same if she had hurt my son in this way ...ie suggesting her mum is more important than his.

Show quote history

Honestly, I couldn’t care less personally if my MIL would “do anything for me” or not. She’s a nice woman, but she’s not my family. If I wasn’t with her son I wouldn’t know her, if we split I wouldn’t have a relationship with her thereafter.

No, I would not want her around if I had had a difficult birth.

Yousee · 12/04/2023 14:15

My childrens "sainted grandmother" was with me when I have birth each time. To support me. Her child.
My darling MIL let it be known that her eldest grandchild was extra super duper special because she was there at her birth (DH ex is NC with her own mother) which I thought was arsehole talk.
Much like this talk of "oh if she needs a bit of space and consideration after giving birth and thinks her comfort should be her husbands priority then she's a brat and I'll soon show her what's what when I ignore my grandchilds existence for the rest of time and she'll be sorry, I'm the most loving MIL ever after all" is also arsehole talk.

Madamum18 · 12/04/2023 17:41

fragolino · 12/04/2023 13:15

@jannier

The mils who in my experience get pushed away are those that need pushing! Because they themselves are extremely pushy.

That is NOT always the case. Sometimes MiLs (or FiLs or both) get pushed from Day 1 because DiL or SiL quite simply dont want to engage or have other issues re telationships! They are not interested. Never have understood how that goes with supposedly loving and respecting a partner who is the ILs son or daughter!

Ludlow2 · 12/04/2023 17:51

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

If they can bring prepared meals,
Clean the house and do the shopping while you sleep and rest.

Fine by me.

Ludlow2 · 12/04/2023 17:53

I wanted what you are saying. But after the birth it changed. Big time.

After the c section I was grateful for all help to be honest.

Really grateful.

I was knackered it was good we had the support.

Vee1987 · 12/04/2023 18:29

I’d say the compromise is that they’re coming ten days after the baby is born, to be honest. I wish I had this long with just us three. My husband didn’t understand how much time I’d spend feeding and therefore how much time my breasts would be out!

Your husband sounds obnoxious, though… I’d speak to him about his attitude which stinks. I agree with bypassing him almost in the communication of how long you’d like all those people in your house each day (a couple of hours is reasonable) by speaking to your mother-in-law directly. Eg “I know you’ll understand as a mother…” I’m not convinced he’ll listen to your concerns and pass your feelings onto his mother otherwise, based on what you’ve said about him. I think your mother-in-law is more likely to be understanding.

Good luck with the baby!

Tilliemolly · 12/04/2023 18:36

If it was me in your situ, I would say No, will let you know when I feel ok. A c section is a biggie, and you will be very uncomfortable and taken pain meds, so you need time, and your hubby looking out for you. Be strong, put yourself first have time with your little one and gather your strength.

THEDEACON · 12/04/2023 21:19

I'm not into this baby bubble idea but I'd be putting my foot down at DHs entire family arriving to stay for two consecutive long weekends

Rubyupbeat · 12/04/2023 22:32

That's awfully unfair that your family will be seeing the baby, but your husband's parents have to wait 2 weeks. It's their grandchild just as much as your parent's.

washinwashoutrepeat · 12/04/2023 22:58

Rubyupbeat · 12/04/2023 22:32

That's awfully unfair that your family will be seeing the baby, but your husband's parents have to wait 2 weeks. It's their grandchild just as much as your parent's.

I think the motivation for visiting is key here.

It's not about a competition to see the baby first, or fairness with regards to who has the most access, but supporting the new mother and baby to bond.

ninjafoodienovice · 13/04/2023 00:00

I had a houseful of DH relatives 10 days after giving birth. Loads of them. It was hellish and I've never really got over it. I was struggling to breastfeed and absolutely shattered after a big pph. They were all sweet but my god it was way too much. For context DC is now 10 and I still think about it and shudder.

YANBU at all. Your 'd' h is a dick. He does not get to call the shots when you are being sliced open. It is major abdominal surgery with no proper recovery as you'll need to keep an infant alive from the getgo.
Grandparents should get a pass, as in pils but siblings and grand pils can wait until you are ready and his aunties, uncles and cousins can bugger off entirely.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2023 03:21

It's bank holiday and they're related to baby too. Why can't they pop in? Honestly when I read about women slogging their guts out with baby and no other outlet but their husband, I'm never surprised to hear they've been 'ever so precious' about family being near baby.

I'm not big on visitors but when I had baby their Dad was perfectly capable of being in living room with baby and his family, explaining to them I was shattered after giving birth and not up to visitors. It was absolutely fine. Think he brought baby in to me once for a feed. I didn't need to also be sitting there watching over, and I was happy catching up on sleep and leisurely reading a book. Bliss

I mean if your H is insisting you be present throughout visit then YANBU really, but if not then go get some rest and/or just pop your head in the room say a quick hi if you can or you want to. Or not. Your H will manage visit and explanations fine, surely.

Marshmallowmountain · 13/04/2023 08:52

I don’t get why people are saying this whole bubble thing is only on mumsnet. Across history and cultures across the world there is a well established tradition of time spent just mother and child, for example in Greece even now it is common and normal practice for mum and baby to stay home for 40 days without visitors to keep them both safe and healthy.

saraclara · 13/04/2023 08:58

Marshmallowmountain · 13/04/2023 08:52

I don’t get why people are saying this whole bubble thing is only on mumsnet. Across history and cultures across the world there is a well established tradition of time spent just mother and child, for example in Greece even now it is common and normal practice for mum and baby to stay home for 40 days without visitors to keep them both safe and healthy.

In most of those cultures, it's the mother and mother in law who live with and care for the new mother during that period!

I'd have gone insane if my mother had been 'looking after me'

Marshmallowmountain · 13/04/2023 09:36

@saraclara me too but I mean that it recognises that the mother needs a period of convalescence. I think the current cultural expectation that a woman should be up and about getting on like nothing has happened within 48 hours is regressive

diddl · 13/04/2023 09:40

Rubyupbeat · 12/04/2023 22:32

That's awfully unfair that your family will be seeing the baby, but your husband's parents have to wait 2 weeks. It's their grandchild just as much as your parent's.

But a baby isn't a toy to be shared around equally.

It's unfortunate that the ILs live further away.

It also sounds as if they have chosen the BH to be able to stay for longer.

My parents saw more of my kids as they had a relationship with me & were also interested in seeing me.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 13/04/2023 12:09

Marshmallowmountain · 13/04/2023 09:36

@saraclara me too but I mean that it recognises that the mother needs a period of convalescence. I think the current cultural expectation that a woman should be up and about getting on like nothing has happened within 48 hours is regressive

Exactly these points re mums needing a period of recovery post birth for mental and physical health.

Agree re regressive and many erudite papers from the obs and gynae world have been written on precisely that point.

No refs here as it's MN(!) , also I currently have bad covid , day 11 of testing strongly positive😔

I know people will 'shout' at me that there are opposing views but I won't be 'listening', coz of covid, no intention to be rude 😊

FiledAwayInABox · 13/04/2023 17:13

I don't get this either. They want to see the new baby when it's brand new! Brand new babies are incredible. It's mean to allow your family and not your husbands. You've got your husband to support you so you don't need your family any more that your in laws.
You don't have to host and you don't have to do anything. You don't even have to show your face. Let your husband have his time with his family showing off his baby. It doesn't have to be for long. I think it's controlling and mean not to especially when you are going to let your family see the baby.

If you are serious about a two week baby bubble then ban your family too.

mbosnz · 13/04/2023 17:25

If there's one time a woman ought to be able to be 'mean', or 'selfish', surely it's when they've only just given birth, whether it was whooshing out a water melon, or undergoing major abdominal surgery. You're knackered. Your bits are on fire. Your wound and/or stitches are on fire with every step. You're trying to establish breast feeding, with the joy of becoming a little one's favourite chew toy, or formula feeding, being woken up every couple of hours. You have surging hormones, the baby blues. Everyone wants a piece of you.

The little one has just either been summarily evicted down the birth canal, or rudely pulled out, into this huge, loud, scary new place. It's coming to terms with not being immersed in it's nice soft, warm, nurturing Mum, and trying to figure out this whole bloody eating, sleeping, pooing, and weeing business. The sensory overload must be horrendous - particularly if in a family where pass the baby is a favourite past-time.

Personally, if and when I become a Mum in law, and my girls have babies - all I want them to do is what they want to do, what they want us to do, and what we can do best to support them. I really don't want them to have that shit being pulled on them.

Surely everyone should want what is best first and foremost for the new Mum, and the new baby, as they seek to stumble their way to equilibrium after this huge emotional, physical, and psychological change?

PinkPink1 · 13/04/2023 18:20

Rubyupbeat · 12/04/2023 22:32

That's awfully unfair that your family will be seeing the baby, but your husband's parents have to wait 2 weeks. It's their grandchild just as much as your parent's.

Is their son the one who is undergoing major abdominal surgery (only pain relief being paracetamol), breast feeding, and enduring the drop in hormones following the birth? No. His parents can wait a few days after mum and baby are settled at home. It’s different when it’s her own parents because she’s comfortable around them. She will be in physical pain and on an emotional rollercoaster.

There is absolutely no need for great grandma and uncle’s girlfriend to come round for hours. They can wait a couple of weeks.