In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

[inky1991]

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

YANBU, I would have hated this as a FTM. It's too much.

It's too many people descending all at once. Your husband should be a supportive gatekeeper but it seems like he's putting you down. A C Section is NOT a walk in the park. The actual operation was fine for me but the recovery was brutal. Not so much painful, but just an inability to do anything without feeling I'd been chopped in two.

To those asking if her own Mum can visit - most of the time your own Mum is visiting to see YOU, and the baby is an added extra. My Mum was absolutely amazing after I had my daughter, so supportive. My partners mother on the other hand thought I was silly for breastfeeding and made comments about SS involvement when I told her we'd bought a co sleeping crib.

How are visitors interrupting healing exactly? She can be sat on couch, family and husband running round after her and the baby.

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

Not his son then or are you just laying down markers for the future?

I'd always planned for immediate family to visit the day after birth all being well, but MN frightened me a bit when I was pregnant with PFB DS like I'd be unable for visitors for weeks just trying to cope. Started to overthink it tbh. As it transpired I was in labour for more than 40 hours. I was shattered, DS got stuck, I had to be rushed to surgery and have my nether regions stitched back together after. DS was finally born just before midnight, my parents, PIL,DB SIL and DNs (one was only 3 weeks old) visited the next morning). I did have rules, I wanted my catheter out and a shower first. It was lovely to see them.

14 days after major abdomen surgery? You're not even meant to lift things like a pint of milk for the first 8 weeks?!

Also you can't drive for a few months after birth and you're both be getting to know a new person, no tell them to come over after 6 months or so.

Unless DH thinks he's okay to make food, tea, coffee for guests and drive you and your baby to any health visiting appointments and do hovering and polishing etc around all the guests as well as cooking dinner for you and doing the washing after a sicky baby... he's really got very high expectations for himself.

Yabu
It's normal for people to visit you at home and in hospital when you've given birth.

You'd be moaning if they didn't want to come at all.

I get it because the trouble with people coming from afar is that you’re not sure how long visits will last. And you’re not sure how you’ll feel! It’s unlikely to be a cuppa and biscuit when they don’t live nearby and have travelled hundreds of miles to see baby. I experienced the same with my firstborn and just kept taking myself off to breastfeed or have a nap.

What really got me was PIL calling from the hospital car park after I’d just given birth. The placenta wasn’t even out yet! And they were disappointed they couldn’t pop up to see baby straight away because it was just after visiting hours never mind the fact I was having stitches and was delirious after being awake for what felt like forever.

I’m due another in a few weeks and I’ve been clear with DH that he needs to put me and baby first. That while it’s lovely to have visitors - and we’d like them to come - people need to be reasonable and not expect to be waited on!

@Cantseethewindows I had my child in a 2020 lockdown so we had no help and I disagree with your post fully. You not having help in a lockdown isn’t the same as OP not wanting her in laws to come and barge into her home with loads of them when she may not be up to it and with a very YOUNG baby. I’d have wanted my mum around and nobody else. You’re being unreasonable to put what you’d want on OP, she’s entitled to not want her husbands family invading her space and being pushy

I can understand people wanting to see a baby, but the sense of entitlement some people have is a bit much. If someone has given birth they should be allowed whatever space and peace they need to begin recovering. Two weeks To recover in peace is not a big ask at all, it’s not like the child will be starting college the first time they meet them. It’s an age old thing of the mother is simply the bearer of a baby for others enjoyment sometimes. Birth is different for everyone and some people fly along after some could need a bit of extra time especially with a section and even more so when trying to establish breastfeeding on top of it. Nobody knows for sure how they will be and people tend to assume if they had an ok time of it that everyone else will too. What a bizarre thing to say as well regarding giving birth in a war. It’s not a competition and your husband needs to grow up. I would imagine too op it’s the fact they have far to travel, making a commitment to visits now in advance Is extra stress for you. Let alone the volume of visitors. I would say that if plans have to be set in stone now you are not happy at all but if there can be flexibility that you can just cancel visits after the birth if you are not up to it with nobody moaning at you then that’s what you could do!

Not sure if anyone else has said this so excuse if repeating.

I found myself in a similar situation, my approach was to tell everyone that they were welcome but that I would not be getting out of bed and the baby would not be leaving my side. They could have a cuddle etc but the baby would stay with me.

Partner tried to argue the toss but my position was, I've had major surgery, I'm trying to establish feeding and I'm still agreeing to all of your family visiting at their convenience.

It worked really well for me. No expectations around 'hosting' , partner was responsible for all of it. Plus, I think there was this kind of subconcious thing of being in someone's bedroom inhibiting behaviour so people didn't stay long or play pass the parcel with the baby. Finally, bedrooms tend to be smaller than reception rooms which means they feel crowded quickly.

Good luck

Well said @Tophy124 , if you're devastated ok but you need to get over it as your priority should be the health of the new baby and his/her parents. You getting to see them does not matter a jot to that baby at this point in time.

OP apologies my above post became really long, I am pregnant and this is a big topic of conversation with my friends and family so I have strong feelings on the matter! One more tip, if (TBH when, I'm sorry) the ILs overstay their welcome and you're exhausted just take the baby to your room to breastfeed and hide out there. Don't let your DH bully you into going out again until you're ready. And don't be scared to ask for your baby back when you want them, just say they need feeding and you'll do it, be insistent.

This is MN, if you're not playing pass the parcel handing baby round with your in laws are primed and ready at the door to the postnatal ward, ready to dash in on your arrival, you're being precious!

YANBU. The replies you're getting from grandparents who says things such as being restricted and such language, I'd imagine there's more to it. We had a week just baby and us with our 2, my parents didn't tantrum and threaten our future relationship, neither did in laws. All said just let them know when we were ready. You might find you want visitors sooner - we initially wanted 2 weeks, then after one, felt up to it. My mum actually said anyone reasonable would respect the parents' wishes and why on earth would she be upset at waiting a couple of weeks.

Don't let people tell you what to do and guilt you into things, you should be advocating for your wishes after a C section of all things.

I have 3 dc and had a lot of visitors straight after birth of the first 2, that stayed hours, came daily for weeks. I'm also an anxious person and all the stress of many people in my home, coming uninvited and unannounced when I had a new born caused me to have PND and need counselling, as I really struggled with what I felt was an intrusion. With my third I put a blanket ban on visitors for 2 weeks but I felt ready for people after 10days so allowed people over then (i did restrict visits and times). My dh didn't and still doesn't understand and thinks I was selfish. I said I was selfish and looking after my mental health and I'm glad I was strong enough to push everyone back and say, 'no, you visit when I'm ready for you'.

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war
What a prize he is! What a knob.

I have both given birth which required surgery afterwards and also had an emergency c section. The recovery from the c section was alot worse. I could barely get out of bed or use the bathroom for days afterwards. I had to get my mum to help me get washed and dressed. I look more positively on the vaginal birth than the c section. I thought it was the easier option until I had one and could compare it to giving birth. It is major surgery and takes weeks to recover.

You are the one that has carried the baby for 9 months and the one going to have and be recovering from major surgery while looking after a newborn. Your husband should be supporting what makes things easier and more comfortable for you. I think some people forget what it's like to recover from having a baby while looking after a newborn while trying to breastfeed.

I'd let them come since they are staying elsewhere. tell your dh that you will be in your room with the baby if you feel it necessary and he can do all the hosting - tell him to woman up because he has never had it so good and he could be making cups of tea in a war.

The bigger issue for me is if my dh told me 2 weeks before a c-section - which is surgery by the way - the kind of surgery if people other than women have it, they aren't handed a baby to mind afterwards - that I should man up, realise I had it so good and I could be giving birth during a war .... honestly OP, he'd have to grovel for a long long time.

Tell him to fuck off with his you've never had it so good and tell him to realise he is in a support role right now to a woman who is doing something he can NEVER do and if he did, we'd probably hear his whinging and whining here in the US.

As usual, her in-laws are second class citizens whereas his in-laws are to be welcomed straight away

Maybe just say you're not prepared to commit to any definite plans, you need to see how you're feeling after the section - there are too many unknowns atm. Don't close the door but just explain that you need to be in a place where you're comfortable with visitors, and your opinion definitely needs to be respected as the mother. YOU are the one going through major surgery, not your DH. You might find that things are going really well and you're desperate to show baby off, you just don't know! But they need to respect your right to play it by ear. Congratulations btw!

I always said to visitors a window they can come for example come 2-4 as we have more visitors due after. Worked a treat

I can completely understand how you feel. I'm not good with people in my space for prolonged periods of time and I'm anxious about this when my own new baby arrives in a few weeks. In-laws want to stay in a nearby hotel for 2 weeks!! 😬

I think be clear with boundaries. Tell them that you really only want it to be a couple of people at a time as you will be feeling pretty overwhelmed. Ask them to bring a meal, or do a specific task to help in the house when they come, and tell them that you don't want long visits.

My last baby was a lockdown baby so my family didn't meet them until 11 weeks (socially distanced in the garden) - 2 weeks is completely reasonable! I think had we not been in lockdown I wouldn't have been able to breastfeed as we would have had so many visitors all the time I wouldn't have been able to do all the pumping and skin to skin needed to get enough milk in my baby. For me, people there wanting to hold the baby while I rested wouldn't have been helpful. Someone to do all the housework and meals while I cuddled my own baby would be fine. But nobody wants to to do that do they.

@JudgeJ well if someone lives close they are obviously going to meet baby first! But sure make it an in-law issue. Bizarre.

I enjoyed having visitors in the day because I found the nights early on really lonely. Having visitors broke the time up and gave me a bit of time to rest - my mum had no problem taking my colicky baby out of my way for an hour (MIL handed him straight back to me as soon as he cried when her own son was stood right there...)

See how you feel at the time. Don't let them book anywhere until you've given birth.

Definitely don't have people staying with you though. You will probably want some space to breathe at some point in the day.

Umm...what? Nobody has a god given right to see someone else's baby whenever they like

14 days after major abdomen surgery? You're not even meant to lift things like a pint of milk for the first 8 weeks?!
Stop being so dramatic , I was driving 10 days after my ELCS and managing perfectly well . Obviously different people recover in different ways but it’s always best to go at it with a positive attitude .

@jayho this is a really good idea, as long as OP could trust her DH not to take the baby elsewhere. OP if you must have visitors I'd definitely take this approach.

Childbirth is just so easy for men, no pain, no hormonal changes so it’s very easy for your DH to think how easy it will be with visitors. Nothing changes for him. He needs to have some empathy and respect of what you are going through and listen to your concerns