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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 09/04/2023 20:57

OP, your husband sounds like a prize shit. Having a baby, inc by C-section, is not a walk in the park for most women so his attitude stinks. If he’s not going to be supportive, I’d go straight home to your mum with the baby once you leave hospital. You will need looking after and he doesn’t sound like he has any empathy.

If you do return home then I’d be very clear that he does all the hosting and that as soon as you have had enough of visitors, you don’t ask them to leave, just go back to the bedroom taking Dc with you for a feed, rest, skin to skin or whatever.

You need to speak up for yourself and not allow anyone to ride roughshod over your needs.

violetskypurple · 09/04/2023 20:59

YANBU. Being so vulnerable in-front of your mum is totally different to half your husbands family. I'd be really uncomfortable with it! A visit for an hour would be fine with me but not for a whole long weekend.

PizzaPizza56 · 09/04/2023 20:59

Floralnomad · 09/04/2023 20:55

14 days after major abdomen surgery? You're not even meant to lift things like a pint of milk for the first 8 weeks?!
Stop being so dramatic , I was driving 10 days after my ELCS and managing perfectly well . Obviously different people recover in different ways but it’s always best to go at it with a positive attitude .

This is a genuine question - does it not invalidate your insurance if you drive before 6 weeks after your CS?

leelan · 09/04/2023 20:59

I personally feel your being a bit too precious. I've had 3 babies, last one was 9 months ago and tbh there's nothing wrong with a visit on day 10 from a few people. You'll probably be glad of some different company and to show your baby off. I never allowed people into the hospital but the next few days we had streams of visitors. They never outstayed their welcome, just was a nice chat. Try not to think too much into it otherwise it will ruin your experience as you'll just be irritated and annoyed.

maddy68 · 09/04/2023 21:00

Honestly. You are being unfair.

Mumoftwosweetboys · 09/04/2023 21:00

Suzi888 · 09/04/2023 19:55

Well mine came whilst I was in hospital! So a visit a few days after I was home would’ve been bliss.

@Suzi888 same with my first 🙄

h3ll0o · 09/04/2023 21:00

A simple solution would be a yes to visitors but DH takes the baby out to a cafe etc to see them, then you get some alone time to rest.

Having a baby needing your attention 24/7 won’t help you recover. I had a c-section. As our baby was premature we did shifts at the hospital and the few hours I had alone each day were absolutely amazing and key to my recover. I was pretty much back to normal after a week.

Fantasmagoricalan · 09/04/2023 21:00

Ugh, hate this place sometimes. This is a pregnant woman having her first child, who is overwhelmed. She already had existing plans to see the inlaws, but it’s now been extended to tonnes of people she now has to host, and she feels overwhelmed. Not only that, her partner is being a complete ignorant twat, and unsupportive to boot. No wonder she feels overwhelmed.

I just need to berate DH for saying I'm having baby painlessly cut out of me 😬. What a fucking knob

And it is natural to want your own mum more than your MIL. Not that she doesn’t want her MIL anyway.

Marzipangirl3 · 09/04/2023 21:00

I am 15 weeks PP so have just been through the stage you’re about to go through.
You’re going to get some people who tell you that you are wrong/insensitive/unreasonable for feeling the way that you do, but that isn’t true because only you know your circumstances. No one here knows you, your DH, his family or how your delivery is going to go and how you’re going to feel after.
I completely understand how you feel about having lots of people in your space all at once. I felt and still feel exactly the same; I’m not mad on visitors and I hate entertaining as I feel under pressure. For me, my DH’s family are not these super helpful people who make their own drinks or bring round food etc, they’re super chaotic and l found it really unsettling when baby was newborn to have them round all the time. Also, my DH was unsupportive and wouldn’t make drinks or clean up after they’d gone so I would have to do it all, in between cluster feeding and doing everything else. My in laws are not the type that you don’t entertain because I know that’s what they expected or me and I’d be slated forever more if I didn’t do it. You may not be surprised to know that I ended up with an infected scar at 2 weeks PP as a result of never getting a rest or having any help, but I am married to someone who doesn’t care about me.

The short answer is, see how you feel, only have people around who actually help and respect you, your baby and your home, and make your DH pull his weight when his family do come around. Let them be involved but set boundaries and if you don’t feel up to visitors, leave baby with DH downstairs, go up and rest, or have a bath and tell DH he can entertain and clean up once they leave!

hoover12345 · 09/04/2023 21:01

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 20:14

I would just like to add that I had already agreed ages ago that his mum, step dad, gran and grandad could come down for those weekends. The row only erupted today cause suddenly it's escalated to brother, brothers gf, sister, and dad too.

So I was always completely fine with MIL coming when she wanted. Of course I get everyone wants to see baby asap!

My mum and step dad live around the corner, they would obviously see the baby soon after birth. The only other visitor my side is my Dad who wants to come down soon after birth too for a quick visit. I told him it will probably only be an hour at a time.

Very much mixed responses on here, I will go ahead and say yeah to them all - but just be strict about visiting hours.

I just need to berate DH for saying I'm having baby painlessly cut out of me 😬. What a fucking knob

Ahh a drip feed, great. So if his mum & dad & gran lived closer they could visit sooner? Or do you only want the precious "2 week bubble" when it comes to your in-laws? The baby is both of yours and your husband wants to share him/her with his family too knowing they won't be in the baby's life as much as your family because they live further way. Your husbands comments about women having it easy is a separate issue and is a dickhead for saying it. But I do feel for him in regards to his family wanting to see the baby.

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 21:02

@Wishitsnows agreed 100%!! As I said before we didn’t have anyone come to us for 5 weeks. Mostly as my tiny baby was hospitalized at first and I was really struggling to recover and my family thankfully were understanding completely (in laws lived abroad). We were also scared our vulnerable baby would pick up an infection from lots of visitors. If my son ever has children, I plan on waiting for a future daughter-in-law to let me know when I’m welcome to come!! Nobody is owed a visit and baby and mums health has to come first. Some men just don’t get it

nervousnelly789 · 09/04/2023 21:02

I loved having all my family around me, I’ve had 3 c-section and having all the extra hands around was a blessing. Maybe allow your parents and his round 1st and delay everyone else.!

OldFan · 09/04/2023 21:02

I would be absolutely devastated if my DCs did this

@ImAGoodPerson Why? You just have to wait a week or so longer to see them. No one dies.

Fantasmagoricalan · 09/04/2023 21:03

Marzipangirl3 · 09/04/2023 21:00

I am 15 weeks PP so have just been through the stage you’re about to go through.
You’re going to get some people who tell you that you are wrong/insensitive/unreasonable for feeling the way that you do, but that isn’t true because only you know your circumstances. No one here knows you, your DH, his family or how your delivery is going to go and how you’re going to feel after.
I completely understand how you feel about having lots of people in your space all at once. I felt and still feel exactly the same; I’m not mad on visitors and I hate entertaining as I feel under pressure. For me, my DH’s family are not these super helpful people who make their own drinks or bring round food etc, they’re super chaotic and l found it really unsettling when baby was newborn to have them round all the time. Also, my DH was unsupportive and wouldn’t make drinks or clean up after they’d gone so I would have to do it all, in between cluster feeding and doing everything else. My in laws are not the type that you don’t entertain because I know that’s what they expected or me and I’d be slated forever more if I didn’t do it. You may not be surprised to know that I ended up with an infected scar at 2 weeks PP as a result of never getting a rest or having any help, but I am married to someone who doesn’t care about me.

The short answer is, see how you feel, only have people around who actually help and respect you, your baby and your home, and make your DH pull his weight when his family do come around. Let them be involved but set boundaries and if you don’t feel up to visitors, leave baby with DH downstairs, go up and rest, or have a bath and tell DH he can entertain and clean up once they leave!

You poor thing. Do you think you’ll ever get away from the horrible man you’re married to? I really hope so.

Gremlins101 · 09/04/2023 21:03

Yabu. Just set time limits. Don't be afraid to take your baby off to bed with you if they start to outstay their welcome. Set the tone for second baby when you will need people to entertain the toddler 😊

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 21:03

I think it’s outrageous that all those people will be baiting such a young baby that soon after birth. You’re not being unreasonable OP! I’d ignore all the posters making out that you’re being unfair to your in-laws. You aren’t. Reasonable in-laws would come when you were comfortable.

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 21:03

*visiting

sorry autocorrect

aloris · 09/04/2023 21:05

Your husband is the problem. Instead of being supportive of you and respecting that YOU are the one carrying and birthing the baby and having major surgery, he is giving you criticism and judgment and making pronouncements on what you should be able to do. What does he know? Has he ever gestated and birthed a baby? No he has not.

StopGrowingPlease · 09/04/2023 21:05

If you want 2 weeks with just you, baby and your husband then that is what you should have!! You’re the mum, you’re the one who will be having an operation and breastfeeding!!
I refused any visitors and my parents and my grandma met our little one they day before he turned 2 weeks old and then dps parents and grandparents had their turn the day after. For both visits we went to their houses as I didn’t want anyone visiting.
This is your choice, not anyone else’s.

mummyh2016 · 09/04/2023 21:06

You're not having a 2 week bubble though are you? You've acknowledged you'll be seeing your parents. I presume your best friend may visit also? This 2 week bubble only applies to your in laws.
Honestly according to MN this bubble is the norm. In real life it's not. I couldn't wait to show off my babies and whilst I completely get there will be situations where people want to not see anyone it is not the norm - I don't know anyone in RL who chose to do this.
There are 3 BH in May so can you ask for the visits to be staggered if you don't want them all to come at once.

TorchwoodWho · 09/04/2023 21:07

JudgeJ · 09/04/2023 20:52

As usual, her in-laws are second class citizens whereas his in-laws are to be welcomed straight away

Show quote history

So...? Due to distance, my in laws saw both babies before my parents, we weren't bothered about who came first though. However, would I have had my mum popping over to help in the early days if she could, and made in laws wait? Yes, yes I would.
With my first, when they did visit, my mum making herself and the rest of us tea, offering to make food and generally making things easier while still doing the usual holding baby, etc. was much more helpful than in laws. MIL took baby out my arms and sat with her back to me while her and FIL both kept commenting how nice a cup of tea would be while awkwardly glancing at me as I tried to cover my top after milk leak number 1022 and shift without catching my stitches. They didn't ask about me at all, literally gave me a thumbs up on the way out and said "hope you're okay Torchwood!" as they walked to the car. 😂

I didn't mind them visiting, we did have a week to ourselves and they were fine to wait, but I wouldn't want to have seen them those first few days.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/04/2023 21:07

You need to get DH on board and just see how you go.

The day my ILs came to visit with DC2, I felt ropey as the day went on and DH cut short their visit and I ended up back at the mw and antibiotics for Mastitis.

It's fine for people to visit but you both need to be on the same page and DH needs to be ready to step in if needed.

Humblebert · 09/04/2023 21:08

Sarbears28 · 09/04/2023 20:50

I have 3 dc and had a lot of visitors straight after birth of the first 2, that stayed hours, came daily for weeks. I'm also an anxious person and all the stress of many people in my home, coming uninvited and unannounced when I had a new born caused me to have PND and need counselling, as I really struggled with what I felt was an intrusion. With my third I put a blanket ban on visitors for 2 weeks but I felt ready for people after 10days so allowed people over then (i did restrict visits and times). My dh didn't and still doesn't understand and thinks I was selfish. I said I was selfish and looking after my mental health and I'm glad I was strong enough to push everyone back and say, 'no, you visit when I'm ready for you'.

Sarbears - i had a similar experience. Had very traumatic labour and all the visitors was extremely overwhelming and tipped me over the edge. Not their fault but it was not good for me.

hoover12345 · 09/04/2023 21:09

@PrincessofWellies I'm so sorry you've not been able to see the baby. I only have a daughter and I would be upset if she treated her future in-laws like that. That's why I'm glad when it comes to things like this I have a daughter and not a son. I couldn't bare to be pushed out.

fairywhale · 09/04/2023 21:09

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

He's not the one who carried and birthed the baby, nor the one breastfeeding it, so it's not his call. They can come and meet the baby for an hour maximum and get out. He sounds devoid of empathy.

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