Page 4 | Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

Yellobird · 2023-04-09T18:39:39+00:00

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it. DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers' As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset. WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

BendingSpoons · 09/04/2023 19:59

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

I agree you don't want her to be worried, but I disagree that they shouldn't be exposed to chat about politics and different views. Having these conversations at home means you can think things through with them.

We have a lot of conversations in our house about how silly it is when people treat boys and girls differently and both our DD and DS can do the same. As they get older, I would want them to have an age appropriate awareness of some of these issues. If your 15yo was interested in the conversation on Trump then great!

Boringcookingquestion · 09/04/2023 19:59

Surely all you needed to say was ‘different people have different priorities. I would rather do fun things with you than go out every night. When you’re older you’ll get to decide what kind of life will make you happy’.

Talking to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap is a good thing imo. So is talking to a 15 year old about Trump. Based on what you’ve written here, I’d quite like her to be my boys auntie.

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 20:00

BakedTattie · 09/04/2023 19:58

Wtf is going on with MN tonight?! I know the holidays bring out all sorts but 🤷🏼‍♀️

must be a full moon

I think it's because all the shops have been closed so people couldn't rant at checkout workers about their shopping being re-scanned because they 'accidentally' missed something - so they need to cause bizarre dramas somewhere else instead.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 09/04/2023 20:00

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

You must be trolling at this point. 15 years old is absolutely fine to discuss Trump and his mistreatment of women.

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2023 20:00

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

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That’s your interpretation. She’s being honest with your DD. Having children frequently limits your choices. Do you not want your DD to know this, or do you want her to think it’s always sweetness and light being a parent?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/04/2023 20:00

I don’t see the issue- you just fill in the gaps for your child. “Yes having a child means you cannot be selfish and impulsive to a degree- but that’s why you have children when you are ready and more settled. And of course we still have fun and look at all the amazing things we get to experience as parents”….where’s the issue.

Goldbar · 09/04/2023 20:00

It's honestly fine 🙄. It's ok for your DD to learn that you and your DH make sacrifices for her.

Just tell your DD that yes, having kids limits your freedom but that's because children are important and deserve to be cared for properly, either by their parents or by a trusted carer. So actually you could go out but you'd need to arrange a babysitter to make sure she was looked after.

Original poster

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

OP posts:

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 09/04/2023 20:00

It sounds like you want to wrap your children and teenager up in cotton wool and your sister lives in reality.

Why do you think it's not OK for a 15 year old to talk about politics?

Rumplestrumpet · 09/04/2023 20:01

I think the Trump trial and his treatment of women is a totally appropriate conversation to have with a 15 yr old!

I don't think I've spoken to my 7 yr old about the gender pay gap yet but it probably won't be long - she knows about racism, sexism and patriarchy already, as we've discussed a lot of things in an age appropriate way as they come up.

If your daughter asks, you can say that of course you're happy not being able to dash out to a comedy club on a whim, that's why you waited until you were ready to settle down and have a family.

I don't see the problem

GoldenCagedBird · 09/04/2023 20:02

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

It is I, big billy goat gruff

Bluebuddha10 · 09/04/2023 20:02

You are massively over reacting. Nothing your sister said is inappropriate, and it's very important that your DD hears alternative views etc. Really dont get what you are getting so upset about tbh.

Stripycatz · 09/04/2023 20:02

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

Did she actually say that?

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 20:02

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection
It's a horrible thing to say.
Thank God your sister didn't say it.

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 20:02

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:00

OK, so I'm wrong I'm wanting my kids to enjoy their childhood and not be worrying about politics 🙄
As I said, dd is a thinker and she'll be mulling this over, I know her. To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

Your 15 year old was having a conversation - so he already knows about these things. In 3 years he'll be eligible to vote. It's really important that he understands what his morals and values are, and what others stand for.

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/04/2023 20:02

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

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You can just tell DD that’s not true, and Aunty doesn’t know what she’s missing and how precious and wonderful and fun your DD is…. And that’s Aunty’s choice but you disagree and love the life you have?

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 09/04/2023 20:02

To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

Is that what she said though? I thought she was just explaining her own reasons for not wanting kids.
It's not rejection anyway as you don't go out.

saraclara · 09/04/2023 20:02

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

You think 15 year olds don't already have opinions about Trump and his treatment of women?

You really seem to infantilise your children, and you're doing them no favours in doing so. Your sister is treating them like intelligent young people, and I can imagine that they really appreciate that.

JudgeRudy · 09/04/2023 20:03

I'm guessing you and your sister are very different in nature. Your daughter will understand that too by now. Your daughter asked a question and your sister gave a reasonable answer.
She might have a ponder tonight and wonder whether she would like children one day, she might also think about work/careers and maybe equality.
I seriously doubt she's thinking you can't have fun because of her (and siblings) and feeling like a mighty millstone. She's more likely thinking 'I don't think Mum would want to go to a comedy night or bar'...in your words, 'as if!'. She might be thinking hmmm, I'd like to go to a comedy night when I'm grown up. She might be thinking about what you actually do like doing for pleasure. As you said, she's a thinker.
I suspect your husband was tactfully telling you that he could see no indication of a traumatised child needing her mum as he's favouring business as usual.
I don't think any of the subject matter was inappropriate or presented in a way inappropriate for a young child.

Original poster

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:03

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 09/04/2023 20:00

You must be trolling at this point. 15 years old is absolutely fine to discuss Trump and his mistreatment of women.

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I didn't say it wasn't, just not appropriate at a family event.

OP posts:

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 09/04/2023 20:03

To say that 'mum and dad have no life because of you' is an incredible rejection

But she didn’t actually say that. Fucking hell

WheelsUp · 09/04/2023 20:03

You are overthinking things because you and your sister don't get on.

If your dd brought it up then I'd say

her and her sibling are funnier than any comedy club
You have wine at home so don't want to go to a bar. When she's a teenager then maybe you and dad will go to a bar because she'll be old enough to stay home alone.

I'm confused why you think that the gender pay gap is inappropriate. Your dd won't be damaged hearing a pov that differs to yours- she may decide to focus on her career when she's her aunt's age and that is ok.

As a 9yo she may have noticed things about gender roles and it's good to discuss things gently. For example she may have noticed that there are more mums than dads at school pick up or that there are not many male teachers at her primary. The early years of primary can be very polarising in terms of gender- she may have noticed that kids who don't follow norms being treated as weird based on their likes rather than behaviour (eg boys liking glitter, girls not wearing a school dress in summer)

IhearyouClemFandango · 09/04/2023 20:03

You think your 15 yr old is too young to discuss Trump?

You'd get a right shock in our household, we have been discussing politics and social issues with and around our kids since they were tiny, they need to understand the world around them

ladygindiva · 09/04/2023 20:03

saraclara · 09/04/2023 20:02

You think 15 year olds don't already have opinions about Trump and his treatment of women?

You really seem to infantilise your children, and you're doing them no favours in doing so. Your sister is treating them like intelligent young people, and I can imagine that they really appreciate that.

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Yeah, I agree with this. Your sister sounds great.

Partyandbullshit · 09/04/2023 20:04

Holy shit, OP. You’re are pushing your DD down a path of a whoooooole lot of pain if you continue like this! Are you seriously cross with your sister because she’s put the idea in your DD’s head that her parents aren’t free to go out of an evening spontaneously?? That she isn’t her parents’ idea of the best possible fun they can have? Is there any other way in which you out your child on a pedestal and worship at her feet?

I have been talking to my DD and my dad about the inequalities women face, since they could talk and understand. And I don’t even work any more! Don’t you WANT your DD to learn about this stuff? Do you think she too unintelligent at her age to understand? Why aren’t you raising her to be the kind of woman who can go out into the world as an independent woman who can look out for herself?

Ive heard some mental shit on MN but this is beyond a joke. I’m wondering, as I’m typing, if this is a parody??