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Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/04/2023 19:48

Can’t you just tell your daughter that children do limit your freedom and that is a downside of having children but for you there are lots of positives that outweigh that and make it worthwhile.
the gender pay gap is a reasonable thing to discuss with a 9 year old and your daughter asked a question and got a genuine honest answer. Surely that’s better than being fed a lie.

LadyKenya · 09/04/2023 19:48

I would not be upset over this.

saraclara · 09/04/2023 19:48

For goodness sake, don't make a thing out of this. DD probably barely gave that boring conversation a thought.

The most I'd do is, after I'd tucked her in, say (in a lighthearted tone) " by the way, given the choice between a comedy club and being home with you, I'd choose you every time!"

Anything more would sound defensive, or give DD the idea that it is a much more serious subject than it is. And consequently worry her more.

Plus your clearly feeling angry about the conversation, which is never a good place to be when talking to your child.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 09/04/2023 19:48

She didn’t say you weren’t having fun, she said you can’t go out on the spur of the moment. Which you can’t.

sometimes I would love to do something on the spur of the moment. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids.

she has said nothing wrong and you’re completely overreacting.

bringincrazyback · 09/04/2023 19:48

TheEarlofButties · 09/04/2023 19:47

9yo girl learns that parenting is hard and women are disadvantaged from aunt who has meaningful conversation with her?! i’d be in there backing up what she said tbh

Agree.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 09/04/2023 19:48

I think it's positive that your daughter is exposed to contrasting opinions and options for women. I have girls and worry they'll start a family too young before they've really lived.

SundayCovid · 09/04/2023 19:49

TheEarlofButties · 09/04/2023 19:47

9yo girl learns that parenting is hard and women are disadvantaged from aunt who has meaningful conversation with her?! i’d be in there backing up what she said tbh

Same.

I talk about these things with DD(6) myself.

She still wants '100 babies' when she grows up, I guess she wouldn't have enough time to be impacted by the gender pay gap.

JamonEverybody · 09/04/2023 19:49

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 09/04/2023 19:47

Incredible overreaction

Gender pay back is worth talking about frankly.

She didn’t say that mum and dad are not having fun because of her, she said mum and dad can’t just randomly go out on a whim.

I am baffled how you’re so offended by this.

I agree. I don't thing DS said anything that is inappropriate for a 9yo.

Bobshhh · 09/04/2023 19:49

Your sister sounds brilliant.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 09/04/2023 19:50

Sounds like a very sensible conversation to me. You are role modelling parenting to your DD - it's good that she should be exposed to a non-parent role model - she needs to know she has options in life.

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 09/04/2023 19:50

It presents itself as a great opportunity to discuss life before and after children to my mind.
Teaching about choices, responsibility and talk about your life before she came along.

Botw1 · 09/04/2023 19:50

What your sister said is true

I think you're overreacting

Freddiefox · 09/04/2023 19:50

Furious (again) at sister...

I think you are looking for reasons not to like her.

DogFleece · 09/04/2023 19:50

She’s right. And it doesn’t hurt any 9 year old to hear about different life choices and the impacts they have.

McAvennie · 09/04/2023 19:50

TheEarlofButties · 09/04/2023 19:47

9yo girl learns that parenting is hard and women are disadvantaged from aunt who has meaningful conversation with her?! i’d be in there backing up what she said tbh

This 🙌

6namechang3 · 09/04/2023 19:51

She sounds like a fantastic aunt. 9 year olds are quite capable of having serious conversations. I can remember that feeling of importance when talking about grown up topics with some my parents childless friends. I still went on to marry and have children ( after having a lot of fun first)

VioletCharlotte · 09/04/2023 19:51

Actually, I think it's good for children to see that there are alternatives to the 2.4 children family. I grew up expecting to get married and have children, I don't see that there's any harm in understanding that not everyone wants that it's fine to not want children and to focus on your career.

I think the delivery could have been better though, so maybe worth making sure your DD understands that^^ although some people don't want children because it's a big responsibility, your choice was to have children and you would much prefer to be at home with her.

GoldenCagedBird · 09/04/2023 19:51

Sounds like you’re not having fun tbh

You mustn’t be to be having such an overreaction. You are projecting HUGELY.

Comfies · 09/04/2023 19:51

I don't think she did anything bad here. What she said is true. I have DCs. I was dying to have DCs and I could not be happier with my choice and ability to have them. But clearly the choice to have a family does prevent you doing other things. Just like your dsis misses out on all the family moments you get, you miss out on some of the things she does.

I would honestly be happy my dd for to hear this as I want her to feel free to make an educated choice in whether she has any DCs of her own one day.

I would talk to DD though and explain your choice too.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 09/04/2023 19:51

Is your daughter actually upset though, or are you just assuming? I didn't read anything there that would be particularly upsetting for a 9 year old (my 8 year old certainly wouldn't be upset).

I'm very aware of not protecting my DS from things that might upset him or make him think (within reason). My parents and family were hugely over protective and never spoke about any "difficult" topics in front of me as a child, and as a result I was a pretty naive and clueless teenager and young adult.

Magnoliasky · 09/04/2023 19:52

I would make this into a long standing joke because it’s so daft … ‘would I rather snuggle up and watch a film with you or go to a comedy club … ummm … snuggle up of course’

Marblessolveeverything · 09/04/2023 19:52

Why fury she presented a relatable example to women's choices?

Why didn't you just say we chose to have our own private comedian

My 9 year old learnt about gender pay gap in ethics class, I am happy to raise him informed. It's fact based information not an opinion on pseudo science.

Zanatdy · 09/04/2023 19:52

I think you’re over reacting

Turnipworkharder · 09/04/2023 19:52

You've quoted your sister as saying "imagine if mum and dad ect "

So yabu as she hasn't told your daughter what you're implying, she's just stating a fact...... and it's a true fact.

She sounds a great Aunt for a girl to have.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 09/04/2023 19:53

You’re massively over reacting. Everything she said about gender pay gap and wanting to be able to do what she wants when she wants is spot on and nothing to hide from DD.

Whats the back story here?

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