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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
TheUndoing · 09/04/2023 19:53

She sounds like a great aunt. I think it’s really good for women to be exposed to feminist perspectives. It sounds like you’re looking for reasons to fall out with your sister who, from what you’ve said, has a lovely relationship with your DD.

Original poster
Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

OP posts:
ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 09/04/2023 19:54

Nothing you’ve described is age inappropriate whatsoever

BMW6 · 09/04/2023 19:54

I think it's great that someone is highlighting to a girl how having children impact your life!

Before your children take steps that may result in pregnancy surely you want them to be informed and clear headed about the pros AND cons of parenthood?

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 19:54

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

DD isn't worried though, because you're asking how to raise the conversation with her. If she was upset she'd have already raised it with you.

Botw1 · 09/04/2023 19:55

Is your dd unaware that parents can socialise?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 09/04/2023 19:55

I've talked to my daughter who's 8 about the gender pay gap and about how important it is to know her worth and that the world still hasn't got Equity right so it's something we need to be aware of and keep working towards.

IfIHadAHeart · 09/04/2023 19:55

Sounds like she’s hit a nerve, with you! She said absolutely nothing wrong.

i disagree with PPs saying you should tell DD that of course you’d rather be at home than having fun - being a parent isn’t the be all and end all. It’s important your DD learns that she can have her own life, make her own choices and not become a martyr just because she’s a mother.

Anonymouseposter · 09/04/2023 19:55

I wouldn't be annoyed, I would just talk to your daughter and tell her that everyone enjoys different things and while her Auntie prefers being free to go where she wants in the evenings and has chosen not to have children that you and her Dad always wanted children and are much happier spending time with your family than going out all the time.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2023 19:56

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

She didn't, you're projecting.

Everything she said is true. It's very hard to be spontaneous with kids. Now you've said "as I DH and I would ever want to do that" as if spontaneous fun is some sort of debauched activity so I think your view of your sister is colouring this. But still, she's telling the truth.

That matters more to aunt - to be free and spontaneous, and what matters most to you is DC and having fun as a family. Everyone is different and different people think different things are important

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 09/04/2023 19:56

I think this is your opportunity to have a discussion with your daughter that women (& men) have options. Having Children will impede your going out, but there are lots of benefits too.

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 19:57

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!!
Parents of young children do actually go out sometimes. Will your 9 year old really be traumatised by this notion?

GOW56 · 09/04/2023 19:57

I don't understand why you are furious. It sounds like s reasonable conversation to me. What your sister said is true isn't it?

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 09/04/2023 19:57

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 09/04/2023 19:47

Incredible overreaction

Gender pay back is worth talking about frankly.

She didn’t say that mum and dad are not having fun because of her, she said mum and dad can’t just randomly go out on a whim.

I am baffled how you’re so offended by this.

This.

Is the over reaction because you don't like your sister so much that you don't like anything she says or does?

TheEarlofButties · 09/04/2023 19:57

There’s clearly a reason your kids think she’s brilliant and hang off her every word- because she’s interesting and talks to them about interesting things that they ABSOLUTELY should know about! What future do you want for your daughter’s? One where they roll their eyes at current events and pretend ‘being a mummy is just dreamy’?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 09/04/2023 19:57

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

At 15 they have 3 years to gain an understanding of politics before they are responsible for voting. Your 15 yr old should be being engaged in those kind of conversations. They'll be legally old enough to have sex and considered of an age to be able to make decisions about bringing a child into the world in a matter of months, when do you think you should start expanding their knowledge about the world?

QueenSmartypants · 09/04/2023 19:57

You are projecting here,nothing age inappropriate has been said from you've reported. Don't make this into a big deal, it isn't.

Anonymouseposter · 09/04/2023 19:57

I don't think it does any harm either to talk about political issues to children on a level they can understand.

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 09/04/2023 19:58

i think I’m missing something.
children are a choice and with that choice comes pros and cons. It’s a good thing to expose your daughter to those choices.

BakedTattie · 09/04/2023 19:58

Wtf is going on with MN tonight?! I know the holidays bring out all sorts but 🤷🏼‍♀️

must be a full moon

Flossiemoss · 09/04/2023 19:58

It really sounds like you are trying to shelter them from the world too much. It sounds
like they enjoy these conversations with your DSis. Have you ever had these conversations with your dc? If not - why?

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 09/04/2023 19:58

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

Teach your children about equality, teach your daughter to not accept a lower pay just because she’s a woman. Teach your children that a man who treats women deplorably should be held accountable for his actions.

Hiw old do you think they need to be to hear this? Why wouldn’t you tell your daughter not to accept anything less then what she’s worth from the age of 9

MoreChilli · 09/04/2023 19:58

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

Send your sister over my house - my DC will be open to interesting conversations with her.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 09/04/2023 19:59

I'd stay home with my kids every time and they know that i adore them. But they also understand that sometimes it's nice for us parents to go out without them.
They also know, thanks to having younger cousins, that small children are really, really tiring and that everyone enjoys a break.
There really is no point in sheltering children from the realities of the world.

Marblessolveeverything · 09/04/2023 19:59

Your daughter is 9 in Ireland on the curriculum for ethics these subjects have been raised for years from age 7 or so. This is when children learn about the world, personally I don't see it as politics but about equity and equality which are core lessons across our primary curriculum.

They also learn about the political parties, referenda and hold mini elections. Surely you want her to be informed and because an engaged citizen. This is an easy one for me, other issues such as sex ed I can appreciate differing views given religious beliefs but this is life and children from about age 7 are well able to access this in simple forms.