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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 09/04/2023 20:10

MavisMcMinty · 09/04/2023 20:08

It’s plain to see that your kids like your sister because she treats them like adults, while you seem to want to protect/insulate them from life. You can try your sister’s approach, or at least accept and respect her approach to discussion with your children. She sounds like a great aunt to me!

I agree!
Have you never given thought to why they hang on her every word? They are clearly getting something from her.

Novatherova · 09/04/2023 20:11

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

Huh?

fungalmaiden · 09/04/2023 20:11

An intelligent and well rounded 9 year old should absolutely be talking about politics. It's part of learning about the world.

As for a 9 year old not realising having kids stops parents going out by themselves, if they haven't worked that out for themselves yet (surely most have??), high time they were told.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/04/2023 20:11

Wow, I utterly disagree with you op.
I have always spoken to my girls about all this stuff. It's important. And, it's great that people are starting to not romanticise about what having children is like. They are hard work, and can essentially 'ruin' your life. It's a really important message to tell children, especially girls, to properly think before going ahead and having kids. Yabu.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2023 20:11

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:53

DD is 9! She doesn't need to get into conversations about politics, or worry about mum and dad staying at home. Dsis has form for talking to my kids about entirely age inappropriate stuff. Eldest is 15, and walked in on them in the kitchen talking about Trump and the trial and his treatment of women. Just rolled my eyes and walked out.

Trump, which is all over the news. His treatment of women, and entirely appropriate thing for young women to be aware of given he's not the only prat who will try and use women. Your daughter needs to know that some men are dicks, that's it's not her, and that she can say no etc.

She's not talking about how she likes to snort coke off her bfs penis whilst riding his best mate

JudgeRudy · 09/04/2023 20:11

Stripycatz · 09/04/2023 19:47

I don't understand the comment about women working part-time, but what she said about the comedy club is true.
At 9, DD has lots of other information and experience to balance this comment with; she knows you love to spend time with her.
Unless your sister has hit some kind of nerve for you, I wouldn't worry about it.

I'm reading that as because women take on the lions share of childrearing, many choose to return to work in a part time capacity to facilitate family life. In turn there are fewer part time opportunities at more senior levels so this disproportionately adversely affects women's (with children) career opportunities......which is true

amyboo · 09/04/2023 20:12

I work for a political organisation. I'm proud that my kids (boys and girls aged 7-13) know what's going on in the world and know about gender (in)equality. When my eldest got a phone I made a point of showing how to use various news apps so he can learn to understand the world he's growing up in and learn to form his own opinions about things. We regularly discuss things he's read, or things friends have said. DD7 saw Ukrainian kids arrived in their primary school last year - we were more than happy to explain why. It doesn't ruin their childhood. They don't stay awake worrying about war in Ukraine, but they understand why those kids are here and it gives them a chance to learn that other kids don't get the same opportunities as them.

I honestly think you've totally overreacted to your sister

EyesOnThePies · 09/04/2023 20:12

Hopefully, OP, your parenting and family life demonstrate to your Dd that your children and family time are the best times you could have!

And if you wanted to go to a comedy club you would get your DSis to come and babysit.

Come on. If stuff is too ‘old’ kids switch off and it goes over their head. On the other hand being included in conversations about politics can be very empowering and spark an interest in keeping up to date with the news.

Your DSis sounds like a brilliant aunt. I would have loved that sort of engagement with a relative when I was 9.

TreesandFish · 09/04/2023 20:13

What a complete overreaction on your side. Do you secretly agree with your sister and are trying to convince yourself that children have not limited some of your freedoms?

Pashy · 09/04/2023 20:13

Your sister sounds great.

It’s important that someone is telling children (especially girls) that there’s more to life than just having children.

Original poster
Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

OP posts:
CommanderSeven · 09/04/2023 20:14

Your DC like her - so they obviously don't mind the things she says. You've put a lot of extra meaning and words into what your sister actually said.

Which was true - you can't do things spur of the moment right now.

Your sister sounds lovely. You sound a bit, er, highly sprung?

jimmyhill · 09/04/2023 20:14

our DD is 5 and they covered the gender pay gap in assembly the other week (coinciding with international women's day) which sparked some interesting and thought provoking conversations. YABU and underestimating your DD

Cokefans · 09/04/2023 20:14

sis maybe hit a nerve ? YABU

DoubleTime · 09/04/2023 20:14

I'm going to disagree with a lot of opinions here, I totally see your point. Why did she have to use your family as the example? Possibly planting the idea in DD's head that you and DH can't do things you want to do because of her ?

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 20:15

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

Just give her a cuddle before bed and tell her you love spending time with her.

Tealsofa · 09/04/2023 20:15

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

No she didn't "Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers' "

She said something that is true. You can't go out on a whim, you have to plan

It's not a bad thing, and you overreacted

321user123 · 09/04/2023 20:15

PollyThePixie · 09/04/2023 19:47

No. It wasn’t obvious at all.

Show quote history

Idk… it sounded pretty obvious to me..

its the intrinsic message of it all, especially if OP’s DD is a thinker like OP says..

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2023 20:15

DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD?

As you ask, I’d do as your DH says and leave her to bring it up if she wants to. She’s unlikely to be dwelling on it.

Hankunamatata · 09/04/2023 20:15

Have these kinds of convo in car woth my dc all the time. Youngest is 9.
Your sister is saying she prefers the freedom of being able to go to clubs etc while you prefer to have children.
She didn't say kids are stopping you and dh having fun. She is saying if you have children you don't have luxury of making these kind of snap decisions.

Your taking your sister on a very negative view.

If dd has questions. You just tell her life without kids is just different to life with kids. Not better or worse just different.

Botw1 · 09/04/2023 20:16

But why wouldnt you talk to a 9 yo about it?

And why would a child think a parent going on a night out doesn't love them?

Hedgehog6 · 09/04/2023 20:16

Wish someone had been honest with me about what it’s like to be a parent before having 3 😁 I think what she said is perfectly ok and if you’re worried about dd being upset just say that you and her dad chose to have children knowing that they wouldn’t be able to go to comedy clubs on a whim. Having her is much better than any comedy club jaunt

Somebodiesmother · 09/04/2023 20:16

DoubleTime · 09/04/2023 20:14

I'm going to disagree with a lot of opinions here, I totally see your point. Why did she have to use your family as the example? Possibly planting the idea in DD's head that you and DH can't do things you want to do because of her ?

That's true though. Once you are a parent you can't do all the things you used to. It's not a judgement on how much you love yor child.

Beelezebub · 09/04/2023 20:16

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:14

Only on mumsnet do you talk to a 9 year old about the gender pay gap.
Posted to ask for advice on how to talk to her about how she is loved so much more than wanting to go to a bar or comedy club. But I'm out.

That’s a topic of conversation in my kitchen. With kids similar ages to yours. Just saying.

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