Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

[Yellobird]

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

Having children is a privilege not an option? Well it is an option...

Some people don’t have children because they prefer peace and quiet, not because they prefer clubs and shows.

What a patronising attitude! Children are an option. Choosing to not have children is also an option (and for some, is foisted upon them but that's a different discussion). One isn't better than the other. They're just different life choices and are equally valid.
Saying that children are a privilege implies superiority.

I would tell DD that once you have kids pleasure comes in different forms, a night out takes more planning but is no less fun… also that as we age our priorities change,…. We get less selfish and put each other first!….. their dear aunt only needs to think of herself & as a result is selfish …. Not everyone wants kids.. but I bet she calls on yours when she’s old and lonely and no longer able to go clubbing

Spot the prejudicial cliches in this one!

I've yet to figure out why popping out babies is somehow unselfish and especially when the motivation seems to be to have help in old age.

Having children is as much an option as not having children.
I'm baffled at the constant "reassure your little moppet that you want to stay chained to her side for the next twenty years" type posts, anyway.
What's the actual harm in getting a babysitter now and again and actually GOING OUT?

What's the actual harm in getting a babysitter now and again and actually GOING OUT?

Does not score high enough in the martyr stakes and the sitter might start talking about marriage being a choice and the importance of careers and financial independence and blow DD's mind.

What's the actual harm in getting a babysitter now and again and actually GOING OUT?

Missing a 15 year old’s bath time.

Oh you can leave, but just don't have any of those opinions of yours around OUR children because you know, when I gave birth I magically understood EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING and I realise that before I knew nothing.

I can only assume @T1Dmama and @Kate0902900908 must have been v young when they had kids. Most of us were functioning adults with complex lives before kids, caring responsibilities, jobs, education, volunteered, etc. I mean this lack of wisdom that comes with kids doesn't seem to have hindered Angela Merklle etc

EXACTLY

all this “oh I don’t ever wanna go out again now im a mum! I love staying home every single night” is bullshit

I get it @Yellobird

My DD11 is a thinker, she'd dwell on a comment like that and days later ask if we regret having children because we can't go out whenever we like - it would literally keep her up at night worrying that we didn't want kids anymore

She would also stew on issues like women's right and the pay gap - though she wouldn't fully understand them, which in turn would worry and confuse her more... There is a time and place for talking about these things, but your sis was wrong IMO to put that weighty issue on a 9 year old

So no, YANBU

@FooFighter99

is your daughter not at secondary school? Or soon to go? It’s just that lots and lots of weighty and thought provoking topics and issues are discussed there

My DD11 is a thinker, she'd dwell on a comment like that and days later ask if we regret having children because we can't go out whenever we like - it would literally keep her up at night worrying that we didn't want kids anymore
She doesn't sound much of a deep thinker to me, tbh.

Eleven, and she'd worry that you didn't want kids anymore?

Nothing age inappropriate there. Teach your children if you don't want other people to do it for you!

And maybe you should go to a comedy club, you might unclench a bit,

Brilliant! I have 4 kids, I still love clubs and shows etc. I'm conflicted now 😂

You went and sat with her in bed to talk it through. Wow. Like PPs I couldn't quite grasp what the point of your OP was so it seems like a huge over reaction to me. Children do limit what you can do on the spur of the moment. End of.

No. No. No. no. No. No. No

PLEASE don't tell young girls this!! Having children is absolutely and utterly a choice, and we should absolutely not be giving girls (or boys) any inkling that it is the only 'successful' route.
Just spend one day on mumsnet reading about miserable women in miserable relationships who have been socially conditioned that regardless of what goes on, having a partner is an aspiration above all else.
No. No. No. no. Fuck NO.

It's so unhealthy to promote to kids that once you procreate your life is essentially over and you can never do anything you enjoyed doing before because the kids must come first at all times.

Op's ridiculous amazement at the mere thought that her and her DH, two adults in their - what, 40s? might want to occasionally go to something as inoffensive as a comedy club is bizarre and a bit sad.

From what she's said the sister didn't suggest that nobody could ever have any fun once they've spawned - ironically its the op who seems to be passing that lesson down to her kids! The sister only seems to have suggested that you can't be as spontaneous once you have kids (although the same applies to any other dependents!) - which is usually true so can't see how that's offensive?

Mummy Martyrs are the worst. Joyless bores.

I'm wondering how the OP's sister was actually supposed to answer the question, "Is that why you don't have children?"

What were the other options?

"Oh I do have children but I keep them locked in the cupboard under the stairs." (stupid)

"I don't have children because I haven't found a man to have them with." (not true)

"I don't have children because I can't have them." (probably not true)

"I don't have children because I don't like children." (untrue and hurtful)

It seems to me that, "I like children but I have chosen to spend my time doing other things instead" is the best answer.

The OP clearly feels threatened by her sister having made different life choices, and is possibly worried that if her 9 year old DD realises there are other paths in life than becoming a wife and mother, she might not get grandchildren.

People are different. I don’t want to go out and I’d rather be at home with my children. There may come a time in my life when I want to go out at night again but I really don’t atm.

Other people have kids and still feel like going out.

Others don’t have kids and go out a lot.

Others don’t have kids but prefer staying in.

All these options are fine.

The OP clearly feels threatened by her sister having made different life choices, and is possibly worried that if her 9 year old DD realises there are other paths in life than becoming a wife and mother, she might not get grandchildren.

that could be it. I can’t see any other reason why op wouldn’t want her daughter to know that other paths in life exist for her when she’s older

I can't see anything wrong with the comments. I talk with my children about this all of the time. I like them to know that I am in my job because of choices we made and how me and dad have only been able to each get where we are because of these decisions.

Agreed 😂

What a fantastic aunt!

Wow she sounds like a realist. There is nothing wrong with the conversation she was having sounds like she was keeping it real and you keep the children living in a fantasy world