Page 23 | Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

Yellobird · 2023-04-09T18:39:39+00:00

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it. DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers' As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset. WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

JocelynBurnell · 10/04/2023 19:47

I'm delighted that your DD has an intelligent adult woman in her life. She will need it.

Bekstar · 10/04/2023 19:51

The insinuation that you can't go out because you have kids etc I'd be miffed about but the gender pay gap and equality at work is something my 10 year old debated at school only a few month ago so realistically it's something they will hear. It defo sounds though that you have conflict with your sister and your DD will probably already be aware of that it's hard not to at that age. If your DD isn't bothered' about what has been said unless it's really inappropriate (something extreme violence or sexual) then I wouldn't worry. I'd just reassure your DD that going out like that isn't something that interests you and you definitely don't see any downside to having kids. But some people just aren't ready to be parents.

SammyScrounge · 10/04/2023 19:55

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

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It is. Also perhaps your sister is inadvertently planting a worry in your daughter's mind - She's only nine and might think she',s resented and is spoiling your life.
Tell your daughter if she asks about it that your sister is jealous because she has no little girl of her own.
And if your sister has anything to say you tell her to keep her trap shut about adult things when chatting to your daughter. Funny how childfree women sometimes want to be a great influencer to other women's children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2023 19:57

Bekstar · 10/04/2023 19:51

The insinuation that you can't go out because you have kids etc I'd be miffed about but the gender pay gap and equality at work is something my 10 year old debated at school only a few month ago so realistically it's something they will hear. It defo sounds though that you have conflict with your sister and your DD will probably already be aware of that it's hard not to at that age. If your DD isn't bothered' about what has been said unless it's really inappropriate (something extreme violence or sexual) then I wouldn't worry. I'd just reassure your DD that going out like that isn't something that interests you and you definitely don't see any downside to having kids. But some people just aren't ready to be parents.

@Bekstar

or some people are never ready for kids. As in they don’t want them. And that’s ok.
good info for kids to knoW

Tomorrowisagesaway · 10/04/2023 19:57

I don't think that discussing the gender pay gap with a 9 year old in inappropriate at all, and discussingTrump with a 15 year old is an important thing to do, but I think it is inappropriate to effectively tell a 9 year old that her parents can't have any fun because of her.

Burgoo · 10/04/2023 19:57

@Yellobird I suspect there is some serious projection going on for you here. Could it be that your sister may be even 1% right on this? Do you hold any secret resentment that you have to plan your lives around your children? It sounds an awfully sensitive response to something which, lets face it, is true!

It sounds like your sister is a little more liberal and impulsive in what she says and does, whilst you may have a stick up your arse about things that aren't all that important?

I know it is tempting but try not to fragilise your child. She is 9, not 3. She is going to be able to "get" nuance in some way and if she doesn't then she will (hopefully) come and talk to you about it. Remember that in 2 years she will be in secondary school, where there are debates raging on about transgender issues, feminism, gay rights, racism etc. If you think this is bad, wait until you hear some of the stuff she will have to face in secondary school.

Burgoo · 10/04/2023 19:59

@Yellobird "That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious."

And kinda true? Lets not be naive here. Parents don't have as much fun as they did pre-child. We simply don't. We have to plan much more and have less spontaneity. That is perfectly fine to acknowledge. I suspect it is that this hits a bit too close to home for you.

Mummyofsquidge · 10/04/2023 20:03

I've read this a few times and can't work out what your furious about. The gender pay gap is very real, and I talk about it to my children.

I think the comment about going out could easily of been brushed off, with a comment about we all have the right to decide on our life choices.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 10/04/2023 20:03

SammyScrounge · 10/04/2023 19:55

It is. Also perhaps your sister is inadvertently planting a worry in your daughter's mind - She's only nine and might think she',s resented and is spoiling your life.
Tell your daughter if she asks about it that your sister is jealous because she has no little girl of her own.
And if your sister has anything to say you tell her to keep her trap shut about adult things when chatting to your daughter. Funny how childfree women sometimes want to be a great influencer to other women's children.

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She didn’t say that though. I keep having to check this because it’s like being gaslit!

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 20:04

Tell your daughter if she asks about it that your sister is jealous because she has no little girl of her own
Oh, for the love of God . What is wrong with you?

MargotBamborough · 10/04/2023 20:06

Your sister sounds great. I wish I'd had a cool aunt who wanted to talk feminism and politics with me when I was your daughter's age. It's not hard to see why your children like her.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 10/04/2023 20:08

Christ you’d hate me. My DD is 9 and understand about the gender pay gap, the suffragettes, the glass ceiling, period poverty - among other things. If now isn’t an appropriate time to teach them that they will spend their lives battling inequality, when is?

BigFatLiar · 10/04/2023 20:10

Burgoo · 10/04/2023 19:59

@Yellobird "That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious."

And kinda true? Lets not be naive here. Parents don't have as much fun as they did pre-child. We simply don't. We have to plan much more and have less spontaneity. That is perfectly fine to acknowledge. I suspect it is that this hits a bit too close to home for you.

Next time you're bored you can tell dd it's because of her you can't just go out, her fault. It's true isn't it after all aunty's already told her it down to her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2023 20:10

@SammyScrounge

”Tell your daughter if she asks about it that your sister is jealous because she has no little girl of her own.”

op’s sister doesn’t sound jealous though. She sounds really happy with her life actually.

believe it or not, not every woman wants kids! Get over it. And it’s fine for kids to know that - especially girls so they don’t grow up feeling under pressure to do so themselves.

whumpthereitis · 10/04/2023 20:11

SammyScrounge · 10/04/2023 19:55

It is. Also perhaps your sister is inadvertently planting a worry in your daughter's mind - She's only nine and might think she',s resented and is spoiling your life.
Tell your daughter if she asks about it that your sister is jealous because she has no little girl of her own.
And if your sister has anything to say you tell her to keep her trap shut about adult things when chatting to your daughter. Funny how childfree women sometimes want to be a great influencer to other women's children.

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By what? Answering a kid’s question honestly? One of OP’s comments about her sister was concerning her unwillingness to babysit, so clearly she’s not that keen on being a ‘great influencer’ 😂

She didn’t say OP resented her kids, or that OP even wanted to go to comedy clubs. Her point was that she wanted the freedom to be spontaneous, whereas a parent IS first and foremost responsible for their children. Nothing she said was wrong, insulting, or indicative of jealousy. Not sure why OP’s daughter being aware that not having children and being perfectly happy with that choice is some terrifying prospect, but then I don’t think being aware that parents have responsibility for their children is either.

liwoxac · 10/04/2023 20:22

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:44

That she's told DD that mum and dad are not having fun because of her!! Thought that was obvious.

Show quote history

I haven't read the whole thread. Someone has probably already said this. (If so, I back it up.)

When my children were 9 (10, 11, 12 ... until they left home), I had much more fun spending time with them than I ever had going out to gigs, or with friends, or world-travelling ...

I've travelled the world, had amazing friendships, done lots of really fun things ... nothing compares with the fun I had spending time with my children as they grew.

Tell your daughter that.

Oh, and now I am lucky enough to have grandchildren, two of whom are aged 9 like your daughter. And, guess what? I'd sooner spend time with them than anything else. Why? - It's such fun.

I have childless siblings. Too late for them now. I pity them for what they've missed, the sheer fun of bringing up kids.

[Yes, sometimes it's hard work, no denying. But, well, climbing Kilimanjaro was hard work too. Fun, though. Lots of fun things are difficult.]

Climbles · 10/04/2023 20:23

I just asked DS ‘why do you think adults people don’t want to have children?’ And he said ‘because children are a lot of work’ and I asked ‘why do you think me and Dad chose to have children then?’ And he said ‘because you love us and it’s worth it’. He’s 8 and he understands that there are pros and cons to things. I think you are treating your children as being too young for perfectly understandable concepts. You should have just said to her ‘you’re better than any comedy club’ and given her a cuddle. It’s not a non issue.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 10/04/2023 20:24

Can't for the life of me understand why you are so angry.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 10/04/2023 20:25

Climbles · 10/04/2023 20:23

I just asked DS ‘why do you think adults people don’t want to have children?’ And he said ‘because children are a lot of work’ and I asked ‘why do you think me and Dad chose to have children then?’ And he said ‘because you love us and it’s worth it’. He’s 8 and he understands that there are pros and cons to things. I think you are treating your children as being too young for perfectly understandable concepts. You should have just said to her ‘you’re better than any comedy club’ and given her a cuddle. It’s not a non issue.

My DD has often side-eyed her brother when he’s being a PITA and said “Yeah I ain’t having kids” 🤣

MavisMcMinty · 10/04/2023 20:32

My DD has often side-eyed her brother when he’s being a PITA and said “Yeah I ain’t having kids”

My niece was 12 and 14 when her brothers were born, and decided she was never voluntarily putting herself through parenthood. She’s nearly 30 now and hasn’t changed her mind.

whumpthereitis · 10/04/2023 20:33

liwoxac · 10/04/2023 20:22

I haven't read the whole thread. Someone has probably already said this. (If so, I back it up.)

When my children were 9 (10, 11, 12 ... until they left home), I had much more fun spending time with them than I ever had going out to gigs, or with friends, or world-travelling ...

I've travelled the world, had amazing friendships, done lots of really fun things ... nothing compares with the fun I had spending time with my children as they grew.

Tell your daughter that.

Oh, and now I am lucky enough to have grandchildren, two of whom are aged 9 like your daughter. And, guess what? I'd sooner spend time with them than anything else. Why? - It's such fun.

I have childless siblings. Too late for them now. I pity them for what they've missed, the sheer fun of bringing up kids.

[Yes, sometimes it's hard work, no denying. But, well, climbing Kilimanjaro was hard work too. Fun, though. Lots of fun things are difficult.]

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Why do you need to pity them? Just enjoy the life you’ve chosen.

One person’s ‘missing out’ is another person’s ‘dodging a bullet’, vive le difference and all that.

Pluvia · 10/04/2023 20:34

Oh, and now I am lucky enough to have grandchildren, two of whom are aged 9 like your daughter. And, guess what? I'd sooner spend time with them than anything else. Why? - It's such fun.

I have childless siblings. Too late for them now. I pity them for what they've missed, the sheerfun of bringing up kids.

Save your pity for someone who needs it. You only have to have a brief read of the parenting threads here to see how hellish so many people find being a parent. I'm so pleased I've never had kids.

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 20:37

Pitying your siblings for missing out on having children (especially when it's likely to be their choice) is pathetically smug.
How do you know they don't view you in the same light @liwoxac ?

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2023 20:38

whumpthereitis · 10/04/2023 20:33

Why do you need to pity them? Just enjoy the life you’ve chosen.

One person’s ‘missing out’ is another person’s ‘dodging a bullet’, vive le difference and all that.

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@liwoxac

i don’t get the impression that OP’s sister needs pity from anyone!

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 10/04/2023 20:45

I really do think some people on here need to be educated that having a family isn't the only life choice out there and not having a family is a completely valid life. And it must be difficult for adults who are not childfree by choice but everyone can have very fulfilling lives without children. I really find the whole life can only he complete with a child quite sickening. I do have children but I certainly realise not everyone wants one. I will also be making sure my daughter knows their are different paths in life and settling down to have a family certainly isn't the only life choice she has.