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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious (again) at sister... how to raise this with DD

684 replies

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 19:39

Met up with my sister today, along with my DC. We don't see eye to eye and have taken very different paths, but my children like her so I go along with it.

DSis has no children. She was having a completely inappropriate conversation with DD about the gender pay gap and its because women can't go part time (in her job)- DD is 9!!! DD asked if that's why she doesn't have children. Sis went on to say that it's part of the reason, but mainly she likes her free time. Now bearing in mind DD thinks she's brilliant and hangs off her every word. Sis went on to say 'imagine if mum and dad wanted to go out tonight, on the spur of the moment. And then check out a new bar or comedy club. We'll they can't because they need to be at home with you and your brothers'

As if DH and I would even want to do that!!! Anyway, DH is doing bath time and I've said I'll go sit with her in bed and talk it through. DH says it's best to leave her so she doesn't dwell and get upset.

WWYD? Utterly furious that Sis has put us in this position after what should have been a nice family day.

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 10/04/2023 22:56

I don't think your DS has said anything hugely OOO or inappropriate. She was making a point about parental responsibility and how it complicates the ability to be spontaneous.

Suggest you take a chill pill. Your DD knows you and her DF wouldn't be bothered about not being able to do things on a whim. She knows you plan stuff.

CountessWindyBottom · 10/04/2023 22:59

You sound very highly strung @Yellobird

CelestiaNoctis · 11/04/2023 00:12

You say she's a thinker like that's a bad thing. Sounds like you baby your kids.

Poopgal · 11/04/2023 00:16

Yellobird · 09/04/2023 20:42

She's nearly 40....
For all the other comments, I'm not jealous (lol) nor has it hit a nerve. Why would it when I have my beautiful little family.
I want my kids to grow up as kids. 15 is still a kid and I'm sure he was a bored as I am (but too well brought up to say so).
Haven't spoken to DD tonight, I'll raise it gently tomorrow. Thank you to those who 'get it' I'm not engaging anymore

Show quote history

Ah yes the old “I don’t like it when everyone doesn’t agree with me” disappearing act. Bye OP!

stacyvaron · 11/04/2023 00:36

Maybe just a small conversation to clarify things. Something like...
Auntie said something that I want to talk to you about. Dad and I can get a minder and go out if we want to, and sometimes we do, but mostly we prefer to be with you. We chose to have a family, we wanted you, we love being your Mum and Dad, watching you grow up, seeing you learn new things, being silly, etc. We aren't missing out on a thing.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 11/04/2023 00:41

Glow23 · 10/04/2023 18:36

Sounds like my sister, always trying to bring up alternative ways of thinking or pushing her ideals on my DD she also has no children

Bloody childless women. How dare they leave the house.

Newmumatlast · 11/04/2023 00:52

hannahf4 · 10/04/2023 21:37

More people without children constantly try to make me feel bad when I say I'm done having my one child and don't want to have any more children

Show quote history

Really? That surprises me. I wouldve thought certainly if childless by choice it would be easier to understand. Appreciate we all have different experiences depending upon who we happen upon.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 01:03

Glow23 · 10/04/2023 18:36

Sounds like my sister, always trying to bring up alternative ways of thinking or pushing her ideals on my DD she also has no children

How DARE your sister make life choices that differ from yours?

🙄

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/04/2023 01:10

Personally I think you're being utterly ridiculous. All you need to do is tell your daughter that you go out exactly as much as you want to, aunty likes pubs and clubs and you like spending time with her, your DD.

You're the only one making a big deal out of this.

And the thing about 'appropriate' conversation topics for family events? Never heard anything so precious or pathetic in my life.

If you're that insecure about your children and keeping them young I hope they don't have access to tv and the internet.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/04/2023 01:12

And the fact this worried you enough to come and post here, then bow out when it clearly didn't go your way - INSTEAD of talking to your daughter about it?!

It's this type of parenting I just cannot fathom.

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 11/04/2023 02:13

dsis sounds smart and onto it

Forgooodnesssakenow · 11/04/2023 02:50

HaggisBurger · 10/04/2023 19:32

Gotta love an AIBU when the OP is told by the vast majority she is, and then studiously ignores it.

@Yellobird - you realise “politics” isn’t porn, right. Your sister is engaging with your kids about the world around them. Sounds like she is interesting and fun. It’s very easy to present the other side of the argument to your daughter - yes being a parent means your Dad and I can’t decide to go out at the drop of a hat - but we prefer it that way. Being a parent is a choice we made and we love it. Your auntie has made a different choice and that’s ok.

I doubt hugely that your daughter is suddenly going think she’s unwanted just off the back of this.

I think you need to relax. A lot.

My childless sister talks to my children about all these viewpoints, I hope she continues to do so. She's also kind and caring and takes time out of her life to see them, spend time with them and get to know them. I hope my children DO bring her comfort and care about her in her old age, like my sisters and I do with our aunt who is childless. Why so bitter about women who don't have children?

mustgetoffmn · 11/04/2023 05:21

erm put you in what position? I thought you were going to describe sister as going there too heavily around disturbing sexual or violent stuff. Gender pay gap???? No wonder your DD likes her she’s being treated as an intelligent person . 9 is quite old enough to start having these thought’s introduced won’t she be at secondary school soon? What do you talk with DD about that you consider age appropriate?

mustgetoffmn · 11/04/2023 05:24

Poopgal · 11/04/2023 00:16

Ah yes the old “I don’t like it when everyone doesn’t agree with me” disappearing act. Bye OP!

Show quote history

😂

electriclight · 11/04/2023 06:28

I haven't rtft only op's posts. I find this thread bizarre. What an overreaction. I think op dislikes her sister - possibly irrationally based on this thread - and is consequently irritated by her doing perfectly normal things.

I teach a similar age group and this is exactly the stuff they talk about. On International Women's Day we watched Newsround and lots of the children asked about inequality around the world and in the uk. We talked about it in an appropriate way.

Op's sister was asked why she didn't have children so her sister is allowed to answer. Op could have jumped in at any point to say that she much prefers being at home with dc to being anywhere else.

Kelljo83 · 11/04/2023 07:42

What your sister said is true though!
I have a 9 year old, and we can't just do those things, even if we wanted to we can't.

If your DD asks about it tell her you don't miss going out etc.. there's no need to talk it over though

Tahlbias · 11/04/2023 08:37

I understand why you're upset! It's OK to have an opinion but don't relate it to your family. You know your daughter and what might upset her/make her think about stuff. I would be a bit miffed too!

BustyLaRoux · 11/04/2023 08:48

Massive overreaction!

PuddlesPityParty · 11/04/2023 08:59

T1Dmama · 10/04/2023 19:29

I totally get it xx
Thankfully we don’t all put socialising and partying above settling down and having kids..
I would tell DD that once you have kids pleasure comes in different forms, a night out takes more planning but is no less fun… also that as we age our priorities change,…. We get less selfish and put each other first!….. their dear aunt only needs to think of herself & as a result is selfish …. Not everyone wants kids.. but I bet she calls on yours when she’s old and lonely and no longer able to go clubbing

Yawn yawn yawn

Thankfully not all of us think those who have kids turn into saints and thankfully most people aren’t as condescending nor as patronising as yourself.

Where has the aunt been selfish here? Other than not wrapping the DD up in cotton wool? Since when was it selfish to show a different POV?

Themaghag · 11/04/2023 09:26

And me! I've already discussed all of this at great length with my DGD who is 9, with the full blessing of my daughter. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how much of it has permeated, but I see it as my moral responsibility to help raise the next generation of feminists!

Kate0902900908 · 11/04/2023 09:41

‘DD there’s a big part that auntie has missed out today. We don’t have to be here with you and your brothers … we WANT to be, that’s why we had children we wanted a family and have a family life. Someone people prefer clubs and shows and and don’t have children. Having children is a privilege not an option and we have been lucky enough to have you and your brothers’

Radiohat · 11/04/2023 09:46

I think you have the issues.
Your sister sounds like a fun intelligent person who your children actually really like.... are you a little green eyed that the kids look up to her ?

FatGirlSwim · 11/04/2023 09:48

all you needed to do was chip in at the time and tell your dd that it doesn’t bother you not being able to go out as much and that you see time with her as a privilege.

you could just say this to her now in a low key way.

I get where you’re coming from but it does seem like a massive overreaction and talking about the gender pay gap is no problem at all. You want your kids to grow up as kids, but you can’t shelter them from the world, they’re going to be exposed to politics and current affairs at school and these conversations are going to happen all around them. It’s good for them to engage with these debates and not be dumbed down. It’s how they develop.

Pluvia · 11/04/2023 09:53

Someone people prefer clubs and shows and and don’t have children.

Ah, the old 'you childfree people just want to go clubbing and see shows and be selfish, whereas we made the ultimate sacrifice and had children' trope. The moment you say that your secret — that you regard having children as a hardship that everyone should have to go through — is out.

Redshell1976 · 11/04/2023 09:54

Your DS is 15 and 3 years off being classified as an adult. I would suggest you may try and treat him like one or he is going to have a tough time of life. And your response that you are not engaging anymore OP, shows you just sulk when things don’t go your way, is this how you behave with everything and is this what you are teaching your kids? They will have a rude awakening is they think that’s the solution to everything. Tbh I think you are the problem. You need to get a grip. Your children are going to have a huge issue managing their lives if you create such drama over nothing; welcome to the real world where people say a lot worse stuff than that and we have to be able manage and cope in that environment confidently. Teach your kids life skills.