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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Slow Fade or Ghost Friends

156 replies

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 10:48

Tell me about times you've slow faded or ghosted friends or acquaintances and why?

How did they react?

How do you feel now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 16:27

Eastersundayname · 10/04/2023 16:15

It seems like you have no love in your heart OP and just use people. I agree with pp that you seem narcissistic. Why you aren't out with your positive and ambitious friends this weekend doesn't add up.

You don't seem to playfair. You seem to be all about you. Why are you not out being nice to people and having a good time if you have so many people wanting to be your friend.

I have a friend who is just like you. She is currently giving me the slow fade and I'm well aware of it, buy playing dumb. I'm so bloody grateful. I have purposefully become a needy / dull person to get rid of the narcissist. She is taking herself away and thinks she is the winner and I'm the loser.

You reap what you sow OP.

"You don't seem to playfair. You seem to be all about you."

"I have a friend who is just like you. She is currently giving me the slow fade and I'm well aware of it, buy playing dumb. I'm so bloody grateful. I have purposefully become a needy / dull person to get rid of the narcissist."

If you were genuinely a nice, non-unhinged person, you'd gracefully let her go.

OP posts:
Eastersundayname · 10/04/2023 17:32

Nothing unhinged about grey rocking a narcissist. It's a top tier tip to be fair. Be very average, dull and be ALL ABOUT your needs. They will ghost you fast.

OP posts:
WhenTheNightFalls · 10/04/2023 18:23

I'm in a situation like this. Got a lot of support from a woman at work and said I would keep in touch. Now I've started a new job role I feel we have less in common so it's been the case that I haven't contacted her. Life does get in the way and a lot of the time, friendships can be conducted in a loose way just liking someone's post on Facebook. This lady isn't on Facebook but if she were, I would still interact with her posts, just wouldn't see her in person or engage outside of that. I don't see that as a bad thing. Life changes and as do situations.

Eastersundayname · 10/04/2023 18:36

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 18:15

Show quote history

Yes I do think some narcissistic people accuse others of being narcissistic. Just like people who talk too much complain that they can't get a word in edgeways with people who talk too much.

However it is you who has been judged on your posts here. You lack empathy, you think you can drop and pick up people as you please and you talk about high status friends. I'm on here asking you what the real problem is and if we can help you with it.

There is a problem you are struggling with and the first step is communicating it.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 18:42

Eastersundayname · 10/04/2023 18:36

Yes I do think some narcissistic people accuse others of being narcissistic. Just like people who talk too much complain that they can't get a word in edgeways with people who talk too much.

However it is you who has been judged on your posts here. You lack empathy, you think you can drop and pick up people as you please and you talk about high status friends. I'm on here asking you what the real problem is and if we can help you with it.

There is a problem you are struggling with and the first step is communicating it.

Show quote history

You have no idea about my empathy (job, volunteering, personal ethics or family).

I aldo never mentioned "high status friends" at all.

It's impossible to converse with a person who projects non-stop, so I'll leave it here.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 10/04/2023 18:48

WhenTheNightFalls · 10/04/2023 18:23

I'm in a situation like this. Got a lot of support from a woman at work and said I would keep in touch. Now I've started a new job role I feel we have less in common so it's been the case that I haven't contacted her. Life does get in the way and a lot of the time, friendships can be conducted in a loose way just liking someone's post on Facebook. This lady isn't on Facebook but if she were, I would still interact with her posts, just wouldn't see her in person or engage outside of that. I don't see that as a bad thing. Life changes and as do situations.

I think most people would appreciate that situation. It's different to ghosting a close friend with whom you've shared an emotional connection, I think.

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 18:48

I think most of what you’re describing as slow fading is just growing apart - a natural response to no longer having as much in common or no longer enjoying the differences between you. If you don’t find it enjoyable, of course you’re going to be less likely to spend time with them. Less likely to say yes if they suggest something, less likely to invite them to something. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and I’m not sure why others do. It’s bizarre of people to suggest you should spend time with people when you’ve stopped liking them just because they still like you or want to use you.

But the depth and length of your friendship with someone should have a significant impact on that process of growing apart. A long, deep friendship deserves bit of investment - either a holding pattern for a while to see if it’s just a temporary blip or some communication to see if you can set things right.

I don’t think a dramatic showdown is a likely to work for many people, but saying something along the lines of - “Barbie, I know Ken was a total dick to you but I’m not up for spending all our time talking about him. Can we go to a bar and not mention him for an evening?” Or “Little old lady who lived in a shoe, I do realise motherhood has changed your life, but all you ever talk about nowadays is your kids. What happened to the vivacious woman who went treking in Peru, won the WI marmalade trophy 8 years running and organized our big reunion 4 years ago? Can we please talk about something else some of the time?” Or “Madonna, I’m going to say no again. I’m kind of over the whole club scene. Would love to meet up for Sunday lunch at a pub or something, though.”

(Very much agree it’s good to have boundaries about not being used as a therapist. It’s not much of a friendship if you never talk about anything negative, but friends wallowing in a negative experience again and again is bad for them and you).

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 18:50

Eastersundayname · 10/04/2023 16:15

It seems like you have no love in your heart OP and just use people. I agree with pp that you seem narcissistic. Why you aren't out with your positive and ambitious friends this weekend doesn't add up.

You don't seem to playfair. You seem to be all about you. Why are you not out being nice to people and having a good time if you have so many people wanting to be your friend.

I have a friend who is just like you. She is currently giving me the slow fade and I'm well aware of it, buy playing dumb. I'm so bloody grateful. I have purposefully become a needy / dull person to get rid of the narcissist. She is taking herself away and thinks she is the winner and I'm the loser.

You reap what you sow OP.

How is this person giving you the slow fade a friend if she doesn’t like you and you so clearly don’t like her?

Eastersundayname · 10/04/2023 18:59

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 18:48

I think most of what you’re describing as slow fading is just growing apart - a natural response to no longer having as much in common or no longer enjoying the differences between you. If you don’t find it enjoyable, of course you’re going to be less likely to spend time with them. Less likely to say yes if they suggest something, less likely to invite them to something. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and I’m not sure why others do. It’s bizarre of people to suggest you should spend time with people when you’ve stopped liking them just because they still like you or want to use you.

But the depth and length of your friendship with someone should have a significant impact on that process of growing apart. A long, deep friendship deserves bit of investment - either a holding pattern for a while to see if it’s just a temporary blip or some communication to see if you can set things right.

I don’t think a dramatic showdown is a likely to work for many people, but saying something along the lines of - “Barbie, I know Ken was a total dick to you but I’m not up for spending all our time talking about him. Can we go to a bar and not mention him for an evening?” Or “Little old lady who lived in a shoe, I do realise motherhood has changed your life, but all you ever talk about nowadays is your kids. What happened to the vivacious woman who went treking in Peru, won the WI marmalade trophy 8 years running and organized our big reunion 4 years ago? Can we please talk about something else some of the time?” Or “Madonna, I’m going to say no again. I’m kind of over the whole club scene. Would love to meet up for Sunday lunch at a pub or something, though.”

(Very much agree it’s good to have boundaries about not being used as a therapist. It’s not much of a friendship if you never talk about anything negative, but friends wallowing in a negative experience again and again is bad for them and you).

This is a good answer on how to have relationships.

In response to your other question....that's a long story and don't want to go off topic on somebody elses thread.

ilovesooty · 10/04/2023 19:04

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 18:48

I think most of what you’re describing as slow fading is just growing apart - a natural response to no longer having as much in common or no longer enjoying the differences between you. If you don’t find it enjoyable, of course you’re going to be less likely to spend time with them. Less likely to say yes if they suggest something, less likely to invite them to something. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and I’m not sure why others do. It’s bizarre of people to suggest you should spend time with people when you’ve stopped liking them just because they still like you or want to use you.

But the depth and length of your friendship with someone should have a significant impact on that process of growing apart. A long, deep friendship deserves bit of investment - either a holding pattern for a while to see if it’s just a temporary blip or some communication to see if you can set things right.

I don’t think a dramatic showdown is a likely to work for many people, but saying something along the lines of - “Barbie, I know Ken was a total dick to you but I’m not up for spending all our time talking about him. Can we go to a bar and not mention him for an evening?” Or “Little old lady who lived in a shoe, I do realise motherhood has changed your life, but all you ever talk about nowadays is your kids. What happened to the vivacious woman who went treking in Peru, won the WI marmalade trophy 8 years running and organized our big reunion 4 years ago? Can we please talk about something else some of the time?” Or “Madonna, I’m going to say no again. I’m kind of over the whole club scene. Would love to meet up for Sunday lunch at a pub or something, though.”

(Very much agree it’s good to have boundaries about not being used as a therapist. It’s not much of a friendship if you never talk about anything negative, but friends wallowing in a negative experience again and again is bad for them and you).

I think there's a lot of good stuff in that post.

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 19:08

You're asking too many open Qs that are more applicable to a chat rather than AIBU.
Your voting suggests Get rid V Discuss like adults but then you're asking about Fade v Ghost.
What do you want?

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 20:01

JaneFondue · 09/04/2023 18:59

I have slow faded flaky friends. The ones who keep cancelling. But of course, they haven't noticed:)

No clear who was slow fading who first here - but it doesn’t matter as the feeling was probably mutual.

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 20:05

Has anyone actually ‘had the talk’ and ended a friendship?

Why, what words did you use and how did it go down?

Alternatively has anyone had someone ever been on the other side of ‘the talk’ - what was said to you? How did it impact you and was it kinder that the friendship was ended this way?

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 20:09

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 18:48

I think most of what you’re describing as slow fading is just growing apart - a natural response to no longer having as much in common or no longer enjoying the differences between you. If you don’t find it enjoyable, of course you’re going to be less likely to spend time with them. Less likely to say yes if they suggest something, less likely to invite them to something. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and I’m not sure why others do. It’s bizarre of people to suggest you should spend time with people when you’ve stopped liking them just because they still like you or want to use you.

But the depth and length of your friendship with someone should have a significant impact on that process of growing apart. A long, deep friendship deserves bit of investment - either a holding pattern for a while to see if it’s just a temporary blip or some communication to see if you can set things right.

I don’t think a dramatic showdown is a likely to work for many people, but saying something along the lines of - “Barbie, I know Ken was a total dick to you but I’m not up for spending all our time talking about him. Can we go to a bar and not mention him for an evening?” Or “Little old lady who lived in a shoe, I do realise motherhood has changed your life, but all you ever talk about nowadays is your kids. What happened to the vivacious woman who went treking in Peru, won the WI marmalade trophy 8 years running and organized our big reunion 4 years ago? Can we please talk about something else some of the time?” Or “Madonna, I’m going to say no again. I’m kind of over the whole club scene. Would love to meet up for Sunday lunch at a pub or something, though.”

(Very much agree it’s good to have boundaries about not being used as a therapist. It’s not much of a friendship if you never talk about anything negative, but friends wallowing in a negative experience again and again is bad for them and you).

But this isn’t ending a friendship - it’s openly communicating needs and boundaries in an honest way to shift gear on the dynamic of the relationship positively.

I believe everyone deserves this opportunity but if it’s still one sided then you have no obligation to shoulder it indefinitely

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 21:05

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 20:09

But this isn’t ending a friendship - it’s openly communicating needs and boundaries in an honest way to shift gear on the dynamic of the relationship positively.

I believe everyone deserves this opportunity but if it’s still one sided then you have no obligation to shoulder it indefinitely

Show quote history

Only the bit I posted about long term close friends is open communication. I don’t think it’s sensible to do that with shorter term, casual friends. If you’ve got to know someone because you worked together or were on the PTA together or they went out with DH’s brother, so you hung out with them in circumstances created by that connection but you didn’t really develop a deeper friendship, if the connection ends I don’t think your obliged to see if there is something else there. It’s fine to just move on.

And if you have long term friends you weren’t that close to (e.g. old school friends who weren’t your best friends) and you don’t enjoy spending time with them now you’re in your 20s, there’s no point in trying to reset it. What are you going say? “Jean, look, could you try and be more interesting? Like some of the stuff I like and maybe ask me about my job or the cool insta post I made yesterday? ‘Cause this life of yours just doesn’t work for me.” That sort of thing’s not going to work well for anyone (and I appreciate it doesn’t have to be a teen TV drama parody, but if you only know them in a limited capacity anyway and that’s no longer a draw, the message is essentially the same).

SparklingLime · 10/04/2023 21:35

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 20:05

Has anyone actually ‘had the talk’ and ended a friendship?

Why, what words did you use and how did it go down?

Alternatively has anyone had someone ever been on the other side of ‘the talk’ - what was said to you? How did it impact you and was it kinder that the friendship was ended this way?

I have, years ago. I explained to a friend that I had been there for her so much and yet when I had difficult times she didn't bother at all. I said it because I was so hurt and in my naivety I thought if I laid it all out with examples she might change. It ended up as a bit of a row. The friendship limped on but she didn't change. I realised eventually that I had to set my own boundaries and that people don't necessarily reciprocate, but will keep accepting help regardless.

SparklingLime · 10/04/2023 21:37

Meant to say I did finally end the friendship after she was utterly awful when I was ill, again telling her why. She kept contacting me every six months or year for ages, until I blocked her.

I would genuinely welcome being told. I'd rather know.

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 21:40

SparklingLime · 10/04/2023 21:35

I have, years ago. I explained to a friend that I had been there for her so much and yet when I had difficult times she didn't bother at all. I said it because I was so hurt and in my naivety I thought if I laid it all out with examples she might change. It ended up as a bit of a row. The friendship limped on but she didn't change. I realised eventually that I had to set my own boundaries and that people don't necessarily reciprocate, but will keep accepting help regardless.

Show quote history

Would you do it again with someone else?

Or would you consider that someone who has such poor boundaries or unbalanced friendship just isn’t going to be receptive to overt / explicit feedback?

I think it’s hard if we have already tried to redirect conversation or redress the balance implicitly, subtly and gently and it’s not picked up.

SparklingLime · 10/04/2023 21:53

Only as a way to draw a line if someone was hassling me (as that friend was doing latterly).

I also ghosted a friend (long before I'd heard the term). No blocking, just didn't reply. I really regret that as it obviously upset her but I hadn't expected it to. I couldn't explain why (partly involved the dynamic with her partner) so I just kept silent. But I later realised how confusing and odd it must have seemed to her.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 22:07

The person I'm ghosting (as in fully not responding):

  • Only met about 5 times in a group setting. They seemed quite normal at first but latched on.
  • Quickly complained if I didn't respond instantly (if out with another friend etc.) and sent long, guilt-trip messages about their mental health.
  • Insinuated they were suicidal if I declined to meet for a coffee.

So while originally I responded and tried to keep it light, over a few months I decreased contact. Then switched to short or one word responses. Never asked them questions. For the last while I've just deleted messages without responding at all.

So with this one, I'd not have a direct talk since I'm pretty sure they'd threaten suicide in response. Even though I only met them a few times 7 months ago.

I'm not a therapist or carer. I'm not a narcissist for having boundaries either.

OP posts:
WhenTheNightFalls · 10/04/2023 22:08

Well I got lynched on a previous thread @ilovesooty so am glad you see it like that. I did get a lot of emotional support from her but I was kind to her too at work.

SparklingLime · 10/04/2023 22:15

Was that ever actually a friendship, @Grapefruit98?

Eastersundayname · 10/04/2023 22:15

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 22:07

The person I'm ghosting (as in fully not responding):

  • Only met about 5 times in a group setting. They seemed quite normal at first but latched on.
  • Quickly complained if I didn't respond instantly (if out with another friend etc.) and sent long, guilt-trip messages about their mental health.
  • Insinuated they were suicidal if I declined to meet for a coffee.

So while originally I responded and tried to keep it light, over a few months I decreased contact. Then switched to short or one word responses. Never asked them questions. For the last while I've just deleted messages without responding at all.

So with this one, I'd not have a direct talk since I'm pretty sure they'd threaten suicide in response. Even though I only met them a few times 7 months ago.

I'm not a therapist or carer. I'm not a narcissist for having boundaries either.

Okay, that sounds dreadful. YaNbu to not want to be friends with this person. However, I wouldn't say you are ghosting them or even slow fading them as you hadn't even got to that stage of friendship.

I would be fine to just say your unavailable for personal reasons and signpost them to a good therapist whilsting wishing them good luck with everything.

tobee · 10/04/2023 22:17

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 22:07

The person I'm ghosting (as in fully not responding):

  • Only met about 5 times in a group setting. They seemed quite normal at first but latched on.
  • Quickly complained if I didn't respond instantly (if out with another friend etc.) and sent long, guilt-trip messages about their mental health.
  • Insinuated they were suicidal if I declined to meet for a coffee.

So while originally I responded and tried to keep it light, over a few months I decreased contact. Then switched to short or one word responses. Never asked them questions. For the last while I've just deleted messages without responding at all.

So with this one, I'd not have a direct talk since I'm pretty sure they'd threaten suicide in response. Even though I only met them a few times 7 months ago.

I'm not a therapist or carer. I'm not a narcissist for having boundaries either.

Cor! Blimey it would have been better if you'd posted this in your first post op.