Page 4 | To Slow Fade or Ghost Friends

Grapefruit98 · 2023-04-09T09:48:25+00:00

Tell me about times you've slow faded or ghosted friends or acquaintances and why? How did they react? How do you feel now?

captncrunch · 09/04/2023 18:51

I've been trying to slow fade a friendship for 2 years. It is very tricky as we have mutual friends so are occasionally invited to same group events etc. She's lovely but we have absolutely nothing in common. We met at a baby class so back then we had parenting a baby in common. I'd be really happy to meet up for occasional drink or coffee as honestly I'm really easy going and happy to have a chat with anyone. But that isn't enough for her. She invites us for lunches with the whole family, playdates with kids that don't really get on, trips out to parks etc and our families just don't gel. Our kids are in school together and don't socialise at all, we have 8 year olds in the same class and they have no interest in hanging out outside of school but she has always insisted they are the best of friends which is awkward. My ds was horrified when she suggested we all went on holiday together, as was my DH! None of it is personal, we are just so different and have nothing much to talk about and me and DH both work full time and barely find time to spend time as a family at the weekend, or see the friends we really love and know well! Within an hour of coming home from meeting with them she would always message me and 'book in' a date for the next catch up. If I couldn't make it, she would send me like 6 dates and ask me to choose one. It was very stressful. I never ever instigated contact, it was all her. I have succeeded over time in reducing the friendship to just me and her catching up occasionally for coffee but it has been hard and I hate being rude but have had to be, on occasion!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/04/2023 18:58

Journalists really need to do their own work, imho...

JaneFondue · 09/04/2023 18:59

I have slow faded flaky friends. The ones who keep cancelling. But of course, they haven't noticed:)

burnoutbabe · 09/04/2023 19:03

But people do just go apart. With a boyfriend there is a well established process for breaking up -it's not you it's me, I think we are better as friends.

But that just doesn't work or seem appropriate for a female friend. So it's nicer to just be busy and fade out and hope they do the same thing.

scoopoftheday · 09/04/2023 19:03

I'm not sure if I ghosted or slow faded a woman I met on a course.
It was a 2 year course with a lot of partner/triad work and she always ended up in a pair/triad with me.

Thankfully lockdown meant the classes weren't in person so I didn't have to be so full on with her.

I found her very negative. She'd phone me and talk all about herself. I doubt if she even knew i had kids.

She kept inviting me to her house and I'd say thanks, but no.

On one of the last calls she was telling me she was starting a new course, same one as me, but in a different area. She hoped I'd be able to help her stay the pace. I immediately felt pressured and panicky.

I stopped answering her calls. She sent me whatsaspp messages which I answered briefly.

She has since started to tag me in things on fb and I just ignore it.

I sound like a bitch, but she has a "poor me, why does everything happen to me" attitude and I am a more positive person, I can't stand that.

LadyGAgain · 09/04/2023 19:06

BlueKaftan · 09/04/2023 12:09

I just got slow faded. She did such a great job of it that I barely knew it was happening until it was all over. I’m heartbroken.

I'm so sorry. I'm also being slow faded. By the godmother of my eldest. It's beyond painful and I know it's happening.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/04/2023 19:14

YABU. Ghosting someone is horrible

Mary46 · 09/04/2023 19:19

No not nice agree. Sometimes it just fizzles out not much in common. Or flaky re meetups or the purse not opened lol so sometimes there good reasons to not want to meet..... or reduce the meetups

herlightmaterials · 09/04/2023 21:59

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 16:55

There's a difference between mentioning a problem in passing to a friend and treating them like a therapist.

My friends are all resilient, pro-active people. They're ambitious and focus on positive things.

When I was upset about something I paid to see a therapist.

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Your friends are resilient, pro active people now. When something comes along that shows a different side to them, you will drop them.

Quite a range between mentioning a problem 'in passing' (that's a low tolerance threshold you have there) and sitting down in front of a therapist. I'm surprised your therapist didn't encourage you to open up more to your friends. I suspect they did.

I suspect you're at the far end of a pendulum swing. You don't have to take this extreme position just because your last position was also extreme.

You're putting yourself under a lot of pressure and limiting the depth of the friendships you can have. The fact that you're wondering about how ghosted people react suggests to me that deep down you think it could be you one day. I know you won't see that now. But it's an odd thing for a resilient, proactive positive person to be ruminating about on a day when most people are usually very busy doing positive, proactive things. And you're doing it without a shred of empathy, either so it's not just checking you're a good person as we all do from time to time. I think you're struggling on some level.

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 22:10

herlightmaterials · 09/04/2023 21:59

Your friends are resilient, pro active people now. When something comes along that shows a different side to them, you will drop them.

Quite a range between mentioning a problem 'in passing' (that's a low tolerance threshold you have there) and sitting down in front of a therapist. I'm surprised your therapist didn't encourage you to open up more to your friends. I suspect they did.

I suspect you're at the far end of a pendulum swing. You don't have to take this extreme position just because your last position was also extreme.

You're putting yourself under a lot of pressure and limiting the depth of the friendships you can have. The fact that you're wondering about how ghosted people react suggests to me that deep down you think it could be you one day. I know you won't see that now. But it's an odd thing for a resilient, proactive positive person to be ruminating about on a day when most people are usually very busy doing positive, proactive things. And you're doing it without a shred of empathy, either so it's not just checking you're a good person as we all do from time to time. I think you're struggling on some level.

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That's what I thought.

OP needs a big dose of love ❤️

JackyinaTracky · 09/04/2023 23:47

I’ve been slow faded/ghosted loads of times. It used to really upset me and I’d spend ages thinking through what I said and how I said it. I got myself so tied in knots I was afraid to make new friends and afraid to speak. I’ve come to accept that whatever it is that people don’t like is so deeply a part of me that I don’t think I can change it. Sometimes I wish I knew the reason just to be sure, in case it case it is something I can work on but to be honest the hope that it might be them and not me is probably what keeps me sane. To have my biggest flaws and fears listed would be awful.
so… I think slow fade is probably the kindest of 2 options.

Rogue1001MNer · 10/04/2023 01:02

I was brutally ghosted and dropped, and it hurt. 20+ yrs ago, and I remember it clearly enough to mention it now.

My bloody amazing young adult dd had a friend who was bloody difficult (lots of examples of friend behaving awfully). Dd was slow fading. Difficult friend chased. Dd told her "yes, I do have a problem with you.. it's x y x example; I need some space" the friend I'd VERY hurt.

But I think my DD fucking rocks

Blondewithredlips · 10/04/2023 01:25

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 15:58

I don't think that's accurate. Also, it was the main thing he spoke about. Every conversation.

He can hire a therapist instead.

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I agree OP. I have a friend that complains about her DH every time we meet. She goes on and on about him. She has enough money to leave but won't. I live on my own and she has no self awareness that I don't want her offloading onto me every time I see her.

AskMeMore · 10/04/2023 02:16

Was treated like this by someone who had been a very close friend. Totally shitty. I have no idea why. It seemed they had just made a "better" friend and decided to ditch me.

Original poster

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 10:53

A big part of it for me is that friendships are based on proximity mostly. I have a few good, long term friends who stay far away and we meet a few times a year despite that.

Then there are casual friends I worked with years ago. Or met at a hobby I'm no longer involved in. I have no reason to be in weekly contact with them. It's too much for me. We no longer have anything significant in common.

For a few months I reduce contact and hope it sets a new norm. It doesn't. They become more needy.

Eventually just not responding is easier.

OP posts:

herlightmaterials · 10/04/2023 11:16

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 10:53

A big part of it for me is that friendships are based on proximity mostly. I have a few good, long term friends who stay far away and we meet a few times a year despite that.

Then there are casual friends I worked with years ago. Or met at a hobby I'm no longer involved in. I have no reason to be in weekly contact with them. It's too much for me. We no longer have anything significant in common.

For a few months I reduce contact and hope it sets a new norm. It doesn't. They become more needy.

Eventually just not responding is easier.

For a few months I reduce contact and hope it sets a new norm. It doesn't. They become more needy.

They don't become more needy. It's unfair of you to judge them that way when you are not being transparent about what you're doing. People don't think of themselves as commodities to be discarded (thankfully) so their first thought on realising that distance has come between you will be to fix it. When you continue on your plan (which only you know about) they're then likely to wonder, as a decent person does, if they've offended you or if you are withdrawal because you're not ok. This is how a friendship works. Not being a commodity but a person with feelings, this confusing treatment will likely eventually leave them feeling a degree of frustration and low self-esteem which they may try to resolve by getting clarity about just happened. That's perfectly normal behaviour from someone who doesn't understand you've left them in your trash can.

Eventually, when they realise what you've been doing and get the measure of you, they will probably be more than happy to be discarded by you. But your expectation that they will instantly reach that place just because they're no longer in favour with you in your mind is unrealistic and narcissistic.

You are literally making them behave in a way that you perceive as 'needy' by treating people like commodities and projections of your own imagination. Were you to say "You haven't done anything to offend me but I don't think we have much in common anymore. I don't give a toss about your feelings and I like to drop people when I feel this way so don't contact me again," I think you'd encounter a bit of disgust but very little neediness as that is just confusion.

Original poster

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 11:25

herlightmaterials · 10/04/2023 11:16

For a few months I reduce contact and hope it sets a new norm. It doesn't. They become more needy.

They don't become more needy. It's unfair of you to judge them that way when you are not being transparent about what you're doing. People don't think of themselves as commodities to be discarded (thankfully) so their first thought on realising that distance has come between you will be to fix it. When you continue on your plan (which only you know about) they're then likely to wonder, as a decent person does, if they've offended you or if you are withdrawal because you're not ok. This is how a friendship works. Not being a commodity but a person with feelings, this confusing treatment will likely eventually leave them feeling a degree of frustration and low self-esteem which they may try to resolve by getting clarity about just happened. That's perfectly normal behaviour from someone who doesn't understand you've left them in your trash can.

Eventually, when they realise what you've been doing and get the measure of you, they will probably be more than happy to be discarded by you. But your expectation that they will instantly reach that place just because they're no longer in favour with you in your mind is unrealistic and narcissistic.

You are literally making them behave in a way that you perceive as 'needy' by treating people like commodities and projections of your own imagination. Were you to say "You haven't done anything to offend me but I don't think we have much in common anymore. I don't give a toss about your feelings and I like to drop people when I feel this way so don't contact me again," I think you'd encounter a bit of disgust but very little neediness as that is just confusion.

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That is a very weird response.

Have you stayed in close contact with everyone you've ever worked with or met at a hobby? Do you have a busy job? New hobbies?

Being friendly with someone for a bit isn't a hostage situation.

OP posts:

herlightmaterials · 10/04/2023 11:36

I thought you'd find it weird.

Your options are not discard or be a hostage. There is a spectrum of responses between but you don't seem to see that.

It's interesting that you devalue and villainise people who were your friends a short time ago because they're of no further use to you - they're a friend when you want them and a needy hostage taker (if they don't submit to being ghosted) when you wish to discard them. That's how a narcissist thinks. In fact, this is exactly the same person with the same value and needs as well you first met them. The person who has changed is you.

It's also interesting that you can only process new information by thinking of yourself and how it would affect you. It's been pointed out to you that ghosting someone is confusing and will cause them distress - this is not confirmation that they're needy and don't deserve an explanation. That's how a narcissist thinks, though. To deal with people differently and give them an explanation would not really negatively affect you - other than to expose your self absorption - but your instinctive reaction is to feel trapped and look on yourself as a victim at the very suggestion. That's a histrionic response that allows you to look after your own interests without employing any cognitive empathy - another narcissistic response pattern.

Original poster

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 11:41

herlightmaterials · 10/04/2023 11:36

I thought you'd find it weird.

Your options are not discard or be a hostage. There is a spectrum of responses between but you don't seem to see that.

It's interesting that you devalue and villainise people who were your friends a short time ago because they're of no further use to you - they're a friend when you want them and a needy hostage taker (if they don't submit to being ghosted) when you wish to discard them. That's how a narcissist thinks. In fact, this is exactly the same person with the same value and needs as well you first met them. The person who has changed is you.

It's also interesting that you can only process new information by thinking of yourself and how it would affect you. It's been pointed out to you that ghosting someone is confusing and will cause them distress - this is not confirmation that they're needy and don't deserve an explanation. That's how a narcissist thinks, though. To deal with people differently and give them an explanation would not really negatively affect you - other than to expose your self absorption - but your instinctive reaction is to feel trapped and look on yourself as a victim at the very suggestion. That's a histrionic response that allows you to look after your own interests without employing any cognitive empathy - another narcissistic response pattern.

I haven't 'villainised' former friends at all. I wish them well. I just don't need to keep the relationships going.

People have casual friends. It's possible for one side to consider it a lot closer than the other.

You seem to be projecting an awful lot onto me - very angrily. You've also made very personal insults.

OP posts:

JuneBridie · 10/04/2023 11:57

I don’t really know what you want from the thread op.

You sound like a typical fair weather friend in that you’re only interested in being friends with people when they’re mentally stable and not asking anything from you. The minute their circumstances change and they require your support you’re out of there.

That’s not how friendship works.

Original poster

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 12:16

JuneBridie · 10/04/2023 11:57

I don’t really know what you want from the thread op.

You sound like a typical fair weather friend in that you’re only interested in being friends with people when they’re mentally stable and not asking anything from you. The minute their circumstances change and they require your support you’re out of there.

That’s not how friendship works.

I think a lot of the people angry about this are unlikely to be the designated Therapy Friend or Problem Solver.

When you unintentionally give off Therapy Friend vibes, even strangers and people you barely know dump their problems on you.

People then set boundaries.

OP posts:

JuneBridie · 10/04/2023 12:21

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 12:16

I think a lot of the people angry about this are unlikely to be the designated Therapy Friend or Problem Solver.

When you unintentionally give off Therapy Friend vibes, even strangers and people you barely know dump their problems on you.

People then set boundaries.

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Don’t know what you mean by “angry”, I’m certainly not, just a bit confused by what you’re after.

You have an irritating posting style where you don’t actually answer questions, just spraff a load of word salad that’s probably supposed to impress us. It doesn’t.

in conclusion I’m glad you’re not my friend 🤣

Original poster

Grapefruit98 · 10/04/2023 12:43

JuneBridie · 10/04/2023 12:21

Don’t know what you mean by “angry”, I’m certainly not, just a bit confused by what you’re after.

You have an irritating posting style where you don’t actually answer questions, just spraff a load of word salad that’s probably supposed to impress us. It doesn’t.

in conclusion I’m glad you’re not my friend 🤣

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It's interesting that I haven't personally insulted anyone on this thread, yet I'm being lectured on kindness and rudeness by people who do.

OP posts:

Pootlie · 10/04/2023 13:10

OP I'm completely with you.

Friendships can be transient and seasonal and that is absolutely fine! A lot of people who have been ghosted or faded out are angry and outraged and devastated but possibly that's because they've invested way too much in the friendship and also in some cases maybe lack insight into how they interact with others and are completely shocked when a friend starts to disengage.

There are a tiny number of friends who you stick with throughout your life but the majority will fade out and in my opinion that's really healthy.

Tidsleytiddy · 10/04/2023 14:09

I was bullied and used as a free counselling service. I’ve ghosted as it drained the life out of me. Every other person that has come into contact with the person I ghosted has also disappeared. I’m not being the last man standing to be dumped on. I’ve got my own life. I was kind and tolerant for too long and had the piss ripped out of me with the neediness and having listen to the same subject gone over and over for ten years. My boundaries are now my boundaries. Do one, pest