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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Slow Fade or Ghost Friends

156 replies

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 10:48

Tell me about times you've slow faded or ghosted friends or acquaintances and why?

How did they react?

How do you feel now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 15:23

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 15:16

Thanks for your response. Have you ever been diagnosed with anything?

Your response is a little sociopathic. Friendships and relationships can be boring. It doesn't mean you just ghost someone for it for the next exciting thing with no remorse.

No, I haven't. That's an extreme jump to say it's sociopathic to not want to continue a boring friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 15:26

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 15:23

No, I haven't. That's an extreme jump to say it's sociopathic to not want to continue a boring friendship.

Show quote history

Or to rephrase that, would you be happy to know a friend met up with you solely out of a sense of obligation or charity?

OP posts:
Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 15:30

You have posted under Am I being unreasonable. You need to say what the situation is in order for anyone to assess if you are being unreasonable about a specific situation.

For example....I've been best friends with somebody for twenty years, but she is now married with kids and no longer serves my needs. She has a few ill health issues and now bores me. Am I being unreasonable to ghost her?

Do you have any specifics we can judge you on? That's the point of AIBU

girlfriend44 · 09/04/2023 15:33

Some people are unreliable and they never bother to suggest anything so it fades out.

Dosent means it you. It means they can't be bothered.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 15:34

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 15:30

You have posted under Am I being unreasonable. You need to say what the situation is in order for anyone to assess if you are being unreasonable about a specific situation.

For example....I've been best friends with somebody for twenty years, but she is now married with kids and no longer serves my needs. She has a few ill health issues and now bores me. Am I being unreasonable to ghost her?

Do you have any specifics we can judge you on? That's the point of AIBU

I gave an example earlier in the thread about a friend complaining about their relationship.

OP posts:
TheAudie · 09/04/2023 15:36

Sitting here wondering if I have been slow faded by lots of people: I thought that friendships just drifted apart all the time for various reasons: mostly a lack of time on one or the others side

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 15:36

If you want friends who don't complain about their other halves you'll never have friends.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 15:38

TheAudie · 09/04/2023 15:36

Sitting here wondering if I have been slow faded by lots of people: I thought that friendships just drifted apart all the time for various reasons: mostly a lack of time on one or the others side

See how they react if you ask to meet.

OP posts:
TheAudie · 09/04/2023 15:47

Nah; I honestly don’t have time to faff about and play games. I work full time and am busy enough with my husband, son and those friends that I am in touch with.

some friends have been flakey in the past: so I only tended arrange to meet with flakey people in a group so that I don’t waste any precious leisure time: don’t bear a grudge and they were great company

since Covid my social circle has gotten a lot smaller: but that may be as I’m back at work full time and my son is at school; so losing touch with a lot of mums from the baby/toddler era

however:
ive went from being never flakey to cancelling at short notice lately due to chronic migraines: so I imagine I’m peeing people off too: without meaning to.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 15:58

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 15:36

If you want friends who don't complain about their other halves you'll never have friends.

I don't think that's accurate. Also, it was the main thing he spoke about. Every conversation.

He can hire a therapist instead.

OP posts:
herlightmaterials · 09/04/2023 16:24

I understand you're not obligated to be friends with anyone. You can drop who you like. I do wonder, though, if you'll ever go through a phase in your life when your needs are overwhelming and you don't know where to turn. I wonder if that would make you a little less...I don't know... obnoxious.

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 16:30

What do you think a friendship should be? We all have to manage our boundaries and choose who we spend time with wisely. If it's unreasonable to slow fade or ghost depends on the individual circumstances.

It's up to you if you don't want to spend time with a friend who complains about their partner.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 16:55

herlightmaterials · 09/04/2023 16:24

I understand you're not obligated to be friends with anyone. You can drop who you like. I do wonder, though, if you'll ever go through a phase in your life when your needs are overwhelming and you don't know where to turn. I wonder if that would make you a little less...I don't know... obnoxious.

There's a difference between mentioning a problem in passing to a friend and treating them like a therapist.

My friends are all resilient, pro-active people. They're ambitious and focus on positive things.

When I was upset about something I paid to see a therapist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 16:57

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 16:30

What do you think a friendship should be? We all have to manage our boundaries and choose who we spend time with wisely. If it's unreasonable to slow fade or ghost depends on the individual circumstances.

It's up to you if you don't want to spend time with a friend who complains about their partner.

I think friendship should be mutually enjoyable. When one person becomes a drain, it isn't.

When I feel dread or annoyance every time a person messages, I'm not obligated to keep it going solely for their sake.

OP posts:
DuesExMachina · 09/04/2023 17:03

Do people really play these games after they've left school?

CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 09/04/2023 17:07

I don't understand your question OP.

"Tell me about times you've slow faded or ghosted friends or acquaintances and why?

How did they react?"

Well, if you ghost someone I would presume you don't hear from them anymore, so you wouldn't know what they thought about it?!

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 17:12

So you want to ghost/slow fade a male friend who for three years has been talking to you about his bad relationship with his girlfriend? Do you think he might be persuing you?

This seems odd to me.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 17:23

Eastersundayname · 09/04/2023 17:12

So you want to ghost/slow fade a male friend who for three years has been talking to you about his bad relationship with his girlfriend? Do you think he might be persuing you?

This seems odd to me.

I've slow faded several people. That was one example.

I was too tolerant in the past and a magnet for people with problems.

OP posts:
NualaMay · 09/04/2023 17:48

I think it’s about respect. In the end, my “friend” had shown her true colours, had treated me badly, and not only did I not want to salvage the friendship, I actively wanted her out of my life.

Her behaviour was very odd, and started very sly. Little digs here and there. Trying to embarrass me in front of people. It was my best friend who came to visit me and pointed out “she’s jealous of you”. I’m hardly drop dead gorgeous, or rich, or anything like that, and she was pretty and successful, so I was confused. But she genuinely hated it if I did something well at work, or if I got attention on a night out, things like that.
Eventually I saw her for who she was. So I ghosted her. There was nothing to discuss.

Vegetus · 09/04/2023 18:02

I ghosted a whole group of my friends because they were dickheads who made me feel miserable while with them. I didn't feel the need to explain anything to them.

ItsMyCakeNotYourCake · 09/04/2023 18:13

I got ghosted on SM after a very close friendship of about 11 years, all because I dared to move, which she knew about a couple of years beforehand as I'd always planned to do it
Wished me a happy birthday then blocked me a few hours after which was a bit mind boggling
She unblocked me prob a month or so ago so I blocked her and she probably had a hissy fit in the process because she's now not in control
Looking back I think she had some MH problems, very volatile and there were a few remarks said to some mutual friends that got back to me of which I ignored
She thrived on confrontation, she never got any with me and I know for a fact that it would have seriously wound her up because I didn't react in any way
I actually felt quite relieved by it all, far less stress and drama although when she was on form she was bloody good fun and we had some cracking times

PinkRiceKrispies · 09/04/2023 18:13

My best friend of 10 years did this to me. Really hurt although I've realised I am better off now.
I have had this done a lot to me generally though. I am quiet, supportive and a good listener. People then come to me when times are tough. Like unhappy work colleagues or those who find themselves single. Yet as soon as they met a new partner, got a new job, off they went. Never to be heard from again. Yet the people who hurt them the most are ones they keep in contact with via social media. Yeah. Try and work that one out...
I don't bother with many people anymore. Too many are users and out for their own gain.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 18:31

PinkRiceKrispies · 09/04/2023 18:13

My best friend of 10 years did this to me. Really hurt although I've realised I am better off now.
I have had this done a lot to me generally though. I am quiet, supportive and a good listener. People then come to me when times are tough. Like unhappy work colleagues or those who find themselves single. Yet as soon as they met a new partner, got a new job, off they went. Never to be heard from again. Yet the people who hurt them the most are ones they keep in contact with via social media. Yeah. Try and work that one out...
I don't bother with many people anymore. Too many are users and out for their own gain.

This is what I mean about not being a free therapist. I avoid these types now.

Or people who see me as an organiser of events. Organise something yourself.

I decided this year to stop dealing with difficult people unless I'm being paid for it.

OP posts:
gloriousmulch · 09/04/2023 18:34

I’ve been ghosted, not done it myself. Nor have I deliberately ‘slow faded’ anyone who still wanted to be friends, but I’ve let friendships slide when they became one sided.

Ineedwinenow · 09/04/2023 18:43

I drifted apart from a long standing friendship, we were best friends for years (20ish) but she then had a child and I didn’t and it became obvious that whilst I had no need to change, she did and she absolutely needed that change and found help with other women going through the same!

I would say hello to her now if I saw her and maybe have a brief chat and hopefully vice versa but we are no longer friends and I feel we both knew the time was right to just drift away, I have fabulous memories or our friendship and definitely feel no ill will towards her.

Our priorities and life are different now and we just don’t fit together anymore, there was no ghosting or arguing we both have just moved on.