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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Slow Fade or Ghost Friends

156 replies

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 10:48

Tell me about times you've slow faded or ghosted friends or acquaintances and why?

How did they react?

How do you feel now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 10:51

YABU - You should never slow fade or ghost a friend or acquaintance. You should always tell them what bothers you, why you don't want to interact with them or just put up with them indefinitely.

YANBU - It's best to slow fade or ghost them. It prevents drama.

OP posts:
Kiki105 · 09/04/2023 10:59

Our lives evolve and sometimes we just outgrow certain friends, no particular reason, it just happens. We make friends for a reason, maybe just a season or sometimes for a lifetime.If you have a particular issue with a friend or friends then yes perhaps you should confront them to try and resolve that issue but if you feel you've outgrown them then there's nothing wrong with just fading them out of your life.

OrigamiOwls · 09/04/2023 11:10

Do you have a story or situation to share OP?

TheCentreSlide · 09/04/2023 11:11

Journo.

Anotherdaymorenames · 09/04/2023 11:12

Make something up for your article, I'm sure that's what 90% of newspapers are these days anyway

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 11:33

Not a journalist. Just wondered what the split would be.

I've noticed from reading the forum for a year that maybe 60% of users are pragmatic in most situations (more likely to slow fade) whereas the other 40% are overly earnest and tend to have dramatic, direct interactions with people that lead to unnecessary drama.

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/04/2023 12:03

Yawn. What do you reckon OP?

WunWun · 09/04/2023 12:04

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 11:33

Not a journalist. Just wondered what the split would be.

I've noticed from reading the forum for a year that maybe 60% of users are pragmatic in most situations (more likely to slow fade) whereas the other 40% are overly earnest and tend to have dramatic, direct interactions with people that lead to unnecessary drama.

Ha! You doubled down 😁

BlueKaftan · 09/04/2023 12:09

I just got slow faded. She did such a great job of it that I barely knew it was happening until it was all over. I’m heartbroken.

Mary46 · 09/04/2023 12:12

My friend did slow fade. Sometimes people grow apart.. I dont chase friends now. Sometimes not worth confronting them as just more tension. Im not too upset we havent as much in common now.

cadburyegg · 09/04/2023 12:13

I slow faded a friend who I'd met through the kids. We both had 2 kids who were similar ages. But her DD1 was just awful to my DS1, really unkind to him and my friend didn't discipline her at all so if I had allowed the play dates to continue then DS1 would have just been bullied. It was a shame because I got on really well with the mum.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 12:18

BlueKaftan · 09/04/2023 12:09

I just got slow faded. She did such a great job of it that I barely knew it was happening until it was all over. I’m heartbroken.

Would you honestly have felt better if she had called or met you and said "I find you annoying / boring / needy and don't want to spend time with you again."?

I doubt it.

OP posts:
Quent · 09/04/2023 12:20

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 11:33

Not a journalist. Just wondered what the split would be.

I've noticed from reading the forum for a year that maybe 60% of users are pragmatic in most situations (more likely to slow fade) whereas the other 40% are overly earnest and tend to have dramatic, direct interactions with people that lead to unnecessary drama.

You seem to think there's only two ways to resolve a problem: a big dramatic bust up, or walking away.

I think it's a bit more nuanced than that, like @Kiki105 said - it varies by situation, and sometimes these things can be worked out between friends (which does not necessarily equal drama like you seem to think), and other times you have simply grown apart and are happy for the friendship to fade.

Pootlie · 09/04/2023 12:20

I have slow faded a few friends. Life is too short to slog away at a friendship that isn't working.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 12:22

OrigamiOwls · 09/04/2023 11:10

Do you have a story or situation to share OP?

In my experience, it's best to slow fade people who would react badly.

I have friends I genuinely like and can go for weeks or months without contacting because we're both busy. When we meet up everything is fine - they're easy going.

I also have a handful of people I've deliberately slow faded because they're too needy. The problem is these people also lack the social skills to take the hint and bow out gracefully.

OP posts:
Tidsleytiddy · 09/04/2023 12:26

Just a slow fade for the needy who will pester and pester. Eventually no contact.

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 12:27

Pootlie · 09/04/2023 12:20

I have slow faded a few friends. Life is too short to slog away at a friendship that isn't working.

This is how I feel. It allows both parties to save face.

You can also resume being friends later and say you were busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 12:28

Tidsleytiddy · 09/04/2023 12:26

Just a slow fade for the needy who will pester and pester. Eventually no contact.

True. The problem with trying to be kind in a direct way is some people don't accept a no.

They want more reasons and to resolve it.

OP posts:
Tidsleytiddy · 09/04/2023 12:30

Exactly that. Won’t accept the “No” tho so eventually it’s no contact for your own well-being

BabaBooPuffinsRock · 09/04/2023 12:32

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 12:27

This is how I feel. It allows both parties to save face.

You can also resume being friends later and say you were busy.

Show quote history

Seems a bit two faced to assume you can just put people down and pick them back up like that. Like they're only there for you. What about seeing their point of view and being there for them when they need you as well?

WhatNoRaisins · 09/04/2023 12:33

People are happy to say you shouldn't slow fade, you owe to your friend to tell them what's wrong but i can't imagine there are many examples of these conversations going well.

"Hey friend, our lives are moving apart, we don't have as much in common and your work pattern means you're never free at the same time as me"

I mean what does that achieve?

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 12:36

WhatNoRaisins · 09/04/2023 12:33

People are happy to say you shouldn't slow fade, you owe to your friend to tell them what's wrong but i can't imagine there are many examples of these conversations going well.

"Hey friend, our lives are moving apart, we don't have as much in common and your work pattern means you're never free at the same time as me"

I mean what does that achieve?

For me it's like the SATC episode where Miranda tells a random woman "He's just not that into you." like she's being helpful.

In real life it goes down like a cold cup of sick. People don't want directness.

OP posts:
mauveiscurious · 09/04/2023 12:36

Always slow fade we drift apart as our interests change. There is no particular contractual arrangement.

I had a friend be rude to me, thank you I'm gone I'm too old to have relationships where abuse is permitted

Original poster
Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 12:37

BabaBooPuffinsRock · 09/04/2023 12:32

Seems a bit two faced to assume you can just put people down and pick them back up like that. Like they're only there for you. What about seeing their point of view and being there for them when they need you as well?

Show quote history

They don't have to meet up or communicate back?

It should always be two way. Not an obligation.

OP posts:
Southeastdweller · 09/04/2023 12:43

True. The problem with trying to be kind in a direct way is some people don't accept a no. They want more reasons and to resolve it.

But you don’t know until you try. Honestly, I think not bothering to talk sensitively and firmly is the cowards way out.