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Original poster

Friend takes offence

268 replies

Booboojump · 08/04/2023 02:49

So one of my friends took major offence to my wording…. She called me out on it and now I’m embarrassed

I invited my friend around this past week with her children via text.

“Would you and the boys like to come over for some lunch and a play in the garden tomorrow, the weather is looking much better”

She has 4 boys, 3 being the same ages as mine. All friendly with each other and get along great

As she came in I used called her children “the boys” would “you boys” like a drink…
she sat down and asked me not to call them “the boys”. I replied a rather embarrassed yeah of course… silence for a few mins then I had start the convo up as it was awkward as hell.

Im terms of gender, im as liberal as they come (sister is a in a same gender relationship and identities as masc) As far as I’m aware all the children identify as the gender they were born as and are typical boys boys.

I would normally message people with multiple children “the girls/boys/children depending of the children's genders rather than writing a full Tom, Dick, Harry and Bob!

I feel awkward now there is tension between us. like I need to watch myself what I say as not to offend!

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 08/04/2023 09:49

I have a brother & a sister, and it used to irritate the hell out of me when we were referred to as ‘brother’s name & the girls’. Why not just ‘the children’? Why were we girls ‘lesser’ beings.

Also it has been shown that the subconscious bias in the way children of different sexes are treated increases if they are thought of as ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ rather than ‘kids’. It’s why teachers are now encouraged to refer to their classes as such. So ‘Class/students/children, please sit down’ rather than ‘Boys & girls, take out your books’.

I agree it’s a subtle difference that’s harder to get on board with when you’ve got a single sex group in front of you. But the theory in the long run is to reduce sex discrimination, nothing to do with gender-woke nonsense.

KalimbaMoon · 08/04/2023 09:51

Your friend is being unreasonable, trying to police your language. It’s perfectly normal to refer to a group of boys as boys! She is being precious. I would struggle to feel relaxed around her after that.

I can recall my brothers and I being referred to as “the boys” a couple of times by a hapless hotelier who hadn’t clocked the fact that one of us three short-haired kids in trousers was actually a girl. No big deal - my parents set him straight, he apologised and it was all taken in good humour.

People are so delicate these days!

Ingrowncrotchhair · 08/04/2023 09:51

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 03:48

Did you expect an individual name check every time anyone referred to you as a group? How odd.

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And you get to tell people how to feel because?

Singapore4 · 08/04/2023 09:51

Cailleachian · 08/04/2023 09:41

I had two sons close together, and they often got lumped together as "the boys", especially as they were close in age.

My sons didnt object when young, they were close and saw themselves as a little dyad when they were young, but I did get comments about how it wasnt good for them psychologically to be always grouped. As they grew older, they disliked being grouped, so this might be coming from her sons, who feel a bit lost in "the boys", and want to be seen as individuals.

How many people are you to be like Ryan, Thomas, Bailey and Ralphy would you like a drink? FFS honestly.

Everything going through all the names for every question my God.

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 08/04/2023 09:54

VWHoliday · 08/04/2023 08:59

Yes but do you correct your friends over things like that because if you then it will get on people's nerves and they will think you are hardwork.

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No. And it would be water off a ducks back if someone else did. It wouldn’t create a rift between me and someone I considered a friend and if it bothered me I’d have asked more at the time and talked to them about it.

All this drama, cutting people out and going no contact is utterly ridiculous.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/04/2023 09:54

Catlover6 · 08/04/2023 08:20

I know exactly what your friend means. I have three boys and get really fed up of my mum or other relative asking how the boys are.
It just feels like they’re not seen as individuals; nothing to do with desire for a girl and no woke angle.
For example if mum asks what have the boys done today? I’ll respond using their names as obviously they’ll all have done different things.
Much better to name them; ask the child what he wants to drink.
I don’t think she’s being over sensitive but can see why you wouldn’t necessarily understand why she’s corrected you.

I don’t get how you can be fed up of a grandparent asking after her grandchildren. It just seems so unnatural to list their names and since she’s interested in them all why wouldn’t she ask about all of them. Also I don’t think anyone would expect you not to list them as I individuals when talking about the different things they’ve been up to.

KimberleyClark · 08/04/2023 09:57

Jonei · 08/04/2023 09:28

Maybe when making the request, the friend could have said why, rather than dropping it, no explanation, no alternative, and leaving an awkward silence.

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Exactly this, she could have said “actually, I’d rather you didn’t refer to them as “the boys” because ….” and then carried on as normal, rather than going quiet at the OP for committing a faux pas she couldn’t have known was a faux pas but thought was a perfectly normal way to refer to them.

MsRosley · 08/04/2023 09:57

Yeah, being scolded by a so-called friend for something so innocuous is a hell no from me. That would be the last time I ever invited her anywhere.

WimpoleHat · 08/04/2023 10:00

I have three boys and get really fed up of my mum or other relative asking how the boys are.

Why? It’s just a more open question than “How is George?” followed by “….and how is William?” and then “how is Paul?”. It gives you the opportunity to talk about what’s most important in your family at the moment. She presumably knows full well what their names are. I asked my friend “how are your parents?” when I last saw her. Far more natural than asking “How is Rosemary? And Chris?”. Obviously I’m well aware that they are two separate people. People refer to us as “the Hats” to denote a family grouping. It’s just a less formal way of communicating; it isn’t meant to be reductive.

Wtfisthis1 · 08/04/2023 10:00

Oh fuck that! I’d text her and say you felt awkward and didn’t know calling them ‘boys’ was an issue and would refer to them as kids next time!

WilsonMilson · 08/04/2023 10:00

The older I get, the less tolerant of BS I am, so I’d have just asked her “so, what do you want me to call them then?”

Does she want her brood to be individually name checked each time you talk about them as a collective? Ridiculous.
Does she want them to be called girls? Equally absurd.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2023 10:00

How does she think children are referred to in school?

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2023 10:01

Wtfisthis1 · 08/04/2023 10:00

Oh fuck that! I’d text her and say you felt awkward and didn’t know calling them ‘boys’ was an issue and would refer to them as kids next time!

You say that, but I've heard lots of women on here so they don't like their children being referred to as kids. It's a fucking minefield trying to deal with all these sensibilities.

viques · 08/04/2023 10:01

Next time go all DM on her and call them her brood while you playfully toss your casually arranged locks and show your endless pins.

viques · 08/04/2023 10:01

Display your pins, sorry.

DannyZukosSmile · 08/04/2023 10:02

Booboojump · 08/04/2023 03:04

@ReadersD1gest
I honestly have no idea! But she obviously feels triggered by it.
My husbands theories:
she/parent has gender questions/thoughts
one of the children
doesn’t like “the boys” being lumped together
wanted a girl
just likes to be seem woke 😂

Like your DH, my first thought was she is sore and bitter about having just boys and she wanted a girl. Do YOU have a daughter @Booboojump ? If you do, then that theory is quite likely.

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/04/2023 10:02

Your friend is an idiot

saraclara · 08/04/2023 10:04

Shelby2010 · 08/04/2023 09:49

I have a brother & a sister, and it used to irritate the hell out of me when we were referred to as ‘brother’s name & the girls’. Why not just ‘the children’? Why were we girls ‘lesser’ beings.

Also it has been shown that the subconscious bias in the way children of different sexes are treated increases if they are thought of as ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ rather than ‘kids’. It’s why teachers are now encouraged to refer to their classes as such. So ‘Class/students/children, please sit down’ rather than ‘Boys & girls, take out your books’.

I agree it’s a subtle difference that’s harder to get on board with when you’ve got a single sex group in front of you. But the theory in the long run is to reduce sex discrimination, nothing to do with gender-woke nonsense.

I imagine that if you'd been one sister and two brothers, it would have been 'Hannah and the boys' though. I don't think there's anything intrinsically sexist in it.

DannyZukosSmile · 08/04/2023 10:05

@LakieLady

They should be referred to as "gender neutral small people",

😂

MaPaSpa · 08/04/2023 10:05

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 08/04/2023 09:44

Whatever the friend's reason, it was rude to 'correct' the OP for saying something perfectly ordinary and reasonable.

Why is that rude?

If you prefer someone not refer to you in a certain way, why wouldn’t you just say?

Wtfisthis1 · 08/04/2023 10:07

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2023 10:01

You say that, but I've heard lots of women on here so they don't like their children being referred to as kids. It's a fucking minefield trying to deal with all these sensibilities.

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Oh Jesus .. what about “oi you.. fancy a snack??!”

sst1234 · 08/04/2023 10:07

There is a generation of messed up kids being brought up by idiots. These idiots are neglectful narcissists at best and abusive at worst. These poor kids are going to grow up and swallowed up for breakfast by the big bad world.

Pearfacebananapoop · 08/04/2023 10:07

Maybe she just likes to use their names? (Which I can see would be a mouthful).

But in the words of Ricky Gervais; just because she's offended doesn't mean she's right!

KimberleyClark · 08/04/2023 10:08

MaPaSpa · 08/04/2023 10:05

Why is that rude?

If you prefer someone not refer to you in a certain way, why wouldn’t you just say?

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It was rude because she did it rudely. There are polite ways of doing it.

saraclara · 08/04/2023 10:09

My late husband used to refer to "my girls". My DDs recall that really fondly.

I greet my small DGDs with "hello my girlies!" Now, along with all the other things that mumsnet has told me I do wrong* as a GM, I feel like I have to worry about that.

*fortunately, so far my DD hasn't agreed