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Original poster

Friend takes offence

268 replies

Booboojump · 08/04/2023 02:49

So one of my friends took major offence to my wording…. She called me out on it and now I’m embarrassed

I invited my friend around this past week with her children via text.

“Would you and the boys like to come over for some lunch and a play in the garden tomorrow, the weather is looking much better”

She has 4 boys, 3 being the same ages as mine. All friendly with each other and get along great

As she came in I used called her children “the boys” would “you boys” like a drink…
she sat down and asked me not to call them “the boys”. I replied a rather embarrassed yeah of course… silence for a few mins then I had start the convo up as it was awkward as hell.

Im terms of gender, im as liberal as they come (sister is a in a same gender relationship and identities as masc) As far as I’m aware all the children identify as the gender they were born as and are typical boys boys.

I would normally message people with multiple children “the girls/boys/children depending of the children's genders rather than writing a full Tom, Dick, Harry and Bob!

I feel awkward now there is tension between us. like I need to watch myself what I say as not to offend!

OP posts:
maddening · 08/04/2023 09:23

SpideyCraw · 08/04/2023 04:05

Yeah fuck that.

I understand why people are saying it’s a minor request so just go with it, but the problem is that in making the request in this way, this woman has made OP feel like she’s done something wrong. She sounds incredibly precious and I couldn’t be arsed with someone like this.

Totally agree- also making a request without offering explanation for the need for the request

Singapore4 · 08/04/2023 09:23

LakieLady · 08/04/2023 09:18

That would be very wrong.

They should be referred to as "gender neutral small people", or just "the kids".

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God all this gender neutral needs to stop. If you were my friend demanding or dictating this I wouldn't argue with you. I can assure though I wouldn't be inviting you round to me house in a hurry.... I'd be taking a big step back.

OP didn't mean any malice can you not see that? She even felt awkward in HER OWN HOME. Nah F that it's an utter cheek of her friend.

Fansandblankets · 08/04/2023 09:24

Ah stuff that. I couldn’t be arsed with a friendship like that.

Jonei · 08/04/2023 09:24

SoupDragon · 08/04/2023 09:06

I think the friend would have been more offended if she used a dog whistle to call them in.

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That sounds like a reasonable idea.

maddening · 08/04/2023 09:25

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/04/2023 09:21

Was it the fact you called them 'boys' an issue or is it that she'd like you to call them by their names and as individuals? Would she be happy with 'children would you like a drink' or is she wanting you to say 'Bert, Ernie, Fred and Barney' would you like a drink?

Op should endeavor to recreate Catherine Tate's gooseberry yoghurt sketch 🤣

VWHoliday · 08/04/2023 09:25

The people sticking up for friend, is that something you would do?

Naunet · 08/04/2023 09:26

DrMarciaFieldstone · 08/04/2023 05:20

This, I couldn’t indulge this nonsense/rudeness.

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This.

Jonei · 08/04/2023 09:28

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 08:31

Did it “offend” her friend though? Op just said she asked to to not call them the boys. Op has assumed the friend is offended Because she doesn’t actually know why she asked her not to use the term ‘Boys’.

I wonder if op is making this in to a bigger deal than it is.

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Maybe when making the request, the friend could have said why, rather than dropping it, no explanation, no alternative, and leaving an awkward silence.

NotQuiteUsual · 08/04/2023 09:28

I usually refer to groups of kids as humans. It usually gets a laugh from them and there's no room for offense.

dancinfeet · 08/04/2023 09:28

I think I would start referring to them
as ‘the little twats’ instead then. your friend is a pillock, seriously - I can understand if one of them identified as something else - a girl, a goldfish, whatever, but what is wrong with calling a group of boys, boys?

readbooksdrinktea · 08/04/2023 09:30

Backstreets · 08/04/2023 06:29

there is literally nothing wrong with calling boys boys and she’s got a hard self imposed road ahead if she’s going to demand this of everyone she meets.

Agree with this. I also would see her elsewhere in the future. No one should embarrass you in your own home.

MaPaSpa · 08/04/2023 09:32

Not sure why people are characterising it as a complaint. She asked it seems rather normally for you not to refer to her children In a particular way. If you wanted to know why, would’ve been good to ask.

I don’t think it’s meant to be rude, but I generally think Brits take things that are said directly as a bit aggressive.

it’s the same way if some asks you not to shorten their name or give them a nickname. It’s asserting a boundary, it really shouldn’t cause upset.

so many posts on here would be solved if people just nipped things they didn’t like in the bud immediately rather than letting them fester and getting annoyed.

im sure if this was from the other ladys viewpoint everyone would be advising her to just ask OP not to do it 😉

SoupDragon · 08/04/2023 09:35

Singapore4 · 08/04/2023 09:23

God all this gender neutral needs to stop. If you were my friend demanding or dictating this I wouldn't argue with you. I can assure though I wouldn't be inviting you round to me house in a hurry.... I'd be taking a big step back.

OP didn't mean any malice can you not see that? She even felt awkward in HER OWN HOME. Nah F that it's an utter cheek of her friend.

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I think this was a joke.

StagsLeap · 08/04/2023 09:35

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 06:55

@Slitherie oh I understand the difference and I personally have no issues with people using the term boys. I just meant sometimes people have specific word/phrases they dislike. I’m not sure it is only about the ‘gender’ aspect- there’s a million different reasons she might not like her children being referred to as “the boys” all the time.

I just think someone asking their friend once not to use one word isn’t a massive deal. Thought she could have explained why. There’s always ops on here from people who are annoyed by something their partner/friend does, but they won’t ever actually just address it with the person. I think I’d like that she actually just came out and said “please don’t say that”.

Yes. I certainly have a friend who dislikes the use of ‘the boys’ for her sons, and another who doesn’t like ‘the twins’ used of her twins. I respect their preferences in both cases.

Singapore4 · 08/04/2023 09:36

MaPaSpa · 08/04/2023 09:32

Not sure why people are characterising it as a complaint. She asked it seems rather normally for you not to refer to her children In a particular way. If you wanted to know why, would’ve been good to ask.

I don’t think it’s meant to be rude, but I generally think Brits take things that are said directly as a bit aggressive.

it’s the same way if some asks you not to shorten their name or give them a nickname. It’s asserting a boundary, it really shouldn’t cause upset.

so many posts on here would be solved if people just nipped things they didn’t like in the bud immediately rather than letting them fester and getting annoyed.

im sure if this was from the other ladys viewpoint everyone would be advising her to just ask OP not to do it 😉

People have taken it as a complaint because its something OP usually says. The friend was unhappy.... so surely isn't it for her to say don't refer to them as boys because......??

The owness is on the friend to share her feelings since she had the issue with the term surely.

KitKatLove · 08/04/2023 09:36

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2023 09:19

But in that sense they were a collective. They were four boys that she invited round to the house. How would you have referred to them?

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Either by using the boy’s names one or two at a time, I can’t imagine reeling them all off or I’d just say does anyone want a drink. What do people do if they have adult guests? I’d just ask them who would like a drink without the collective noun.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/04/2023 09:39

Quent · 08/04/2023 03:02

On the one hand, I think referring to a group of boys as 'the boys' is a pretty normal bit of phrasing and you haven't done anything obviously wrong in using it. But on the other hand she has made quite a minor request in telling you one specific thing that she doesn't want you to say when you refer to her kids, and you seem to be overreacting to that.

So you don't need to tie yourself in knots - just respect her wishes and avoid this one phrase. Apologise if you slip up and move on. You don't seem to know why she has asked so you don't even know if she is actually offended.

Ah come on.

The 'friend' was being a dick.
She didn't say "please would you call them XYZ" - she just said "don't call them the boys".

The fact that she didn't suggest any alternative phrasing - ie a genuine desire to use whatever different words instead of "boys" means she wasn't interested in teaching OP how to refer to her children. She was interested in correcting OP.

It was negging - a deliberate snub to undermine.
As evidenced by the awkwardness & tension OP experienced.
If you GENUINELY wanted somebody to use different words - you'd tell them what those words are, wouldn't you? Not just issue a correction with no explanation or education.

OP - is your friend a professional offence-taker?
I think she just likes putting you on the back foot, & probably fancies herself as a Queen Bee. If you even want to be bothered with her now, ask her what specific words she wants you to use when referring to her children as a group.
Her answer will either be revealing (ie hasn't got one), or instructive (you will be allowed to use the group term safely, without being bitched at again).

TenThousandSpoons · 08/04/2023 09:40

“Chiiillllldren, do you want a drink?” from now on.

She is being very unreasonable.

Cailleachian · 08/04/2023 09:41

I had two sons close together, and they often got lumped together as "the boys", especially as they were close in age.

My sons didnt object when young, they were close and saw themselves as a little dyad when they were young, but I did get comments about how it wasnt good for them psychologically to be always grouped. As they grew older, they disliked being grouped, so this might be coming from her sons, who feel a bit lost in "the boys", and want to be seen as individuals.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/04/2023 09:42

just likes to be seem woke 😂

I'm with DH on that one.
Woke, with a side-helping of using political trends to act superior about & beat "friends" up with.

ToWhitToWhoo · 08/04/2023 09:43

As a one-off, I think it's fairly trivial. If she often takes offence at something, or if she appeared to hold a grudge, then it's more worrying.

She was U to say what she didn't want, without saying what she did want. It would have been best to respond by asking her what she'd like you to call them, though I can see that you would have been embarrassed to do so at the time. It could be the emphasis on gender and that she would prefer 'the children'; or it could be that she wanted them to be named individually rather than as a group: 'Sam, Oliver, David and Paul'...With four of them, that would be a bit of a mouthful; but maybe just because of that, they are touchy about not being grouped together.

JMSA · 08/04/2023 09:44

What the fuck?! Your friend is totally coco pops.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 08/04/2023 09:44

Whatever the friend's reason, it was rude to 'correct' the OP for saying something perfectly ordinary and reasonable.

Kitkatcatflap · 08/04/2023 09:47

I swear some people go out of their way to be sour faced and affended

Eleganz · 08/04/2023 09:49

MaPaSpa · 08/04/2023 09:32

Not sure why people are characterising it as a complaint. She asked it seems rather normally for you not to refer to her children In a particular way. If you wanted to know why, would’ve been good to ask.

I don’t think it’s meant to be rude, but I generally think Brits take things that are said directly as a bit aggressive.

it’s the same way if some asks you not to shorten their name or give them a nickname. It’s asserting a boundary, it really shouldn’t cause upset.

so many posts on here would be solved if people just nipped things they didn’t like in the bud immediately rather than letting them fester and getting annoyed.

im sure if this was from the other ladys viewpoint everyone would be advising her to just ask OP not to do it 😉

You are right about asking for clarification for what seems to be a nonsensical request on the face of it ( not referring to a group of boys as 'boys').

As for the stuff about British manners - when in Rome.

If you live in the UK I suspect you might have a load of people.who think you have been really rude left in your wake of 'nipping things in the bud'.

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