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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child in Nando's

240 replies

Neverhappyalwayshopeful · 08/04/2023 01:46

Hubby thinks I'm being unreasonable.

We are parents to an 8 month old and almost 12 year old. This evening we went out for a quick dinner at Nando's. The eldest was at a play date so was just the 3 of us on a table for 4. The table next to us was a couple and a young child aged between 2 and 3. They had plenty of seating and a high chair available for the girl to use. They chose to all sit on the bench side of the table presumably to sit together. I was also sat on the bench side of our table with an empty seat next to me. I put my bag there. Hubby was sat opposite and our baby was in the pushchair in the space next to him as he can't sit in one of those wooden high chairs just yet.

The little girl from the table next to us was constantly walking along the bench, coming to our table, scraping a fork along the back wall and asking her parents for our food. My husband asked her parents and then offered her a snack from our sons snack box at one point to try and appease her. She didn't want that, she wanted our food. It made our meal really awkward. I didn't say anything rude but tried to politely diffuse the situation by engaging with her, making conversation back and also telling her that her dinner was at her table and her chips were waiting for her etc etc. A few minutes later, she was back again and this time was standing on my handbag which i had placed on the empty seat next to me (on our table). As I turned and saw this, the dad had the cheek to tell me that 'I may want to move my bag' as she is standing on it! Of course I did move it but to somehow phrase it as though I should move my belongings from a seat that belongs to our table when in fact his child was trampling on my handbag felt cheeky! It was a very expensive handbag too but even if it wasn't, I would have been just as annoyed. There wasn't even an apology!

Generally, I like to think that I'm not one of those parents who judges others or expects children to behave perfectly but this situation really annoyed me. I expected the parents to take some ownership of their child's behaviour and try to manage it. DH thinks it's just a case of a child behaving like a child and that the parents didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't imagine allowing my child to interrupt another family the way we were continually interrupted today. If the parents were trying and the girl was just being inquisitive, I genuinely wouldn't have minded. It's the lack of trying and no acknowledgment for the fact that we were being inconvenienced that is irritating. Even a simple, I'm so sorry she's going through a phase of blah blah blah.

AIBU for feeling/thinking as I am?

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 08/04/2023 11:37

“Next time you need to be clear "Please would you take your daughter back to your table so that we can enjoy our food? Thanks"
If they huff, ignore them, if they don't do it then ask staff to help. Don't just sit there with a child climbing over you though.”

This.

Dilemma19 · 08/04/2023 11:38

The parents probably did nothing because you encouraged her. Why would you do that and then be annoyed? The dad didn't think anything was rude because people probably don't point that out to him. I wouldn't allow my dc to do that, and also at the same time I wouldn't encourage it either from other children. You can be polite but be firm and not encouraged the child.

lv884 · 08/04/2023 11:53

fitzwilliamdarcy · 08/04/2023 11:15

The last time I called a parent out on her child’s behaviour (she was sitting behind me on the bus and wiped her wet hands on my hair and hood of my coat), her mother called me a pathetic arsehole who likes “picking on kids”. She went on and on at me for what felt like half an hour but was probably only 5 minutes.

I don’t even bother with it anymore - I just ask to move tables or if not possible I leave. I just can’t be arsed dealing with the general standard of modern parenting. I don’t know if it’s Covid or what, but the majority of kids I see in public behave like they’re feral, and their parents don’t give a shit.

Yes, this is why I give up after a few polite requests and not-so-subtle hints that I’m annoyed get ignored by parents.

I realised how common it is for parents to be like this though when on a packed train where a (I’d say) four year old was allowed to screech on top of his voice (no exaggeration) the same song from a kids’ programme for about 40 minutes, with perhaps a 30-second interval between each er, performance. I don’t know if I was more stunned at his parents’ staggering (and slightly impressive!) ability to totally ignore him and be unembarrassed (just kept scrolling on their phones) or the “Aw isn’t he hilarious?” looks from so many passengers. My head was throbbing by the time I got off and I had to go to a chemist to buy painkillers.

XlemonX · 08/04/2023 11:54

they are just being kids yes but parents should of excused them. I would if that was my child as it is a part of teaching them to respect people’s boundaries!

i had it happen to me and my baby in A&E. This sick child in like 4-5 years old kept on coming up to me and tried touching my baby. I obviously panic as either she will catch something nasty from my sick baby or she will make my baby even more ill by putting her face less than 5cm away! I tried to be kind and asked her to keep her distance as her mother gave up after a few attempt… it was not easy. I certainly will drag my child away and try to keep her entertained so she doesnt wander away again…

IceMagic · 08/04/2023 12:04

If you'd moved your bag when they were letting the kid stand on it the kid would have fallen off the bench. The parents were clueless. Letting the kid beg for food was rude of the parents too. Poor teachers having to teach kids whose parents make no effort to parent at all!

emptythelitterbox · 08/04/2023 12:06

girlfriend44 · 08/04/2023 11:12

Bad advice don't make sure the parents hear because if they aren't nice, they could kick off and it will spoil your evening.

Ask to move discretely. Think long term. Do you want to get into a row?

Show quote history

I used to worry about people kicking off but not anymore.

If they want to start a row, they should go for it as I'm quite adept at acting unstable and they scurry off in fear at the "crazy old lady".

coeurnoir · 08/04/2023 12:07

My daughter was an Angel in restaurants and cafes. The type of child who sat reading or drawing with no input needed from us. Obviously we thought we had parenting cracked and judged those with lesser beings as children.
Then my son arrived and he was a feral monster who, if allowed, would run riot everywhere. In fact I don't think he had a walking stage, he went from crawling to running.
Needless to say we didn't go to restaurants until we could trust him to behave and we practised a lot at home with restaurant nights around our dining room table, and also at my parents place and so on. We eventually cracked it with him at around 8.
Now he's a 20 year old trainee chef and comes home from work with tales of how feral some of the children are today and how we would never have let him misbehave.....oh how we laugh.

emptythelitterbox · 08/04/2023 12:12

DisquietintheRanks · 08/04/2023 10:16

I really don't understand why so many women feel unable to assert themselves politely. It's such a better option than stewing in silence, making PA comments or telling someone to fuck off.

Why?

I believe I was taught to fear, turn the other cheek, defer to other people at some point or maybe that other people were more important than me.

It's taken a few times of standing of for myself and realizing the worst thing that's ever happened was an exchange of curse words or some agressive posturing.

So I'd rather listen to some twats insults than stew in silence and still be walked over.

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 12:13

coeurnoir · 08/04/2023 12:07

My daughter was an Angel in restaurants and cafes. The type of child who sat reading or drawing with no input needed from us. Obviously we thought we had parenting cracked and judged those with lesser beings as children.
Then my son arrived and he was a feral monster who, if allowed, would run riot everywhere. In fact I don't think he had a walking stage, he went from crawling to running.
Needless to say we didn't go to restaurants until we could trust him to behave and we practised a lot at home with restaurant nights around our dining room table, and also at my parents place and so on. We eventually cracked it with him at around 8.
Now he's a 20 year old trainee chef and comes home from work with tales of how feral some of the children are today and how we would never have let him misbehave.....oh how we laugh.

What are you laughing at, exactly? Most children would "run riot everywhere" if allowed to do so. You didn't allow it?

Teateaandmoretea · 08/04/2023 12:13

@coeurnoir tbf both of mine were good in restaurants but it was just because they liked eating 😂😂.

coeurnoir · 08/04/2023 12:17

What are you laughing at, exactly? Most children would "run riot everywhere" if allowed to do so. You didn't allow it?

Of course we didn't allow it. We didn't allow him anywhere near a restaurant until he could behave...and that wasn't until he was 8 after extensive "training" at home and at his grandparents place.

We laugh at him for coming home with tales of how awful children are in restaurants today....he's completely forgotten how feral he was. The difference is that he was not allowed to do that in public.

coeurnoir · 08/04/2023 12:18

Teateaandmoretea · 08/04/2023 12:13

@coeurnoir tbf both of mine were good in restaurants but it was just because they liked eating 😂😂.

My ex and I still joke that if we'd had our son first then he'd have been an only child!

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 12:18

Sure, but he's probably aghast at the parents allowing it to go unchecked, rather than the behaviour as such.

zingally · 08/04/2023 12:42

You weren't wrong, but perhaps your mistake was engaging with her at all. A swift "go back to your mummy" with a pointed look at the parents, the first time she approached, might have nipped it in the bud.

I completely get that kids will be kids, but as the saying goes "it takes a village". Especially when the parents themselves aren't doing much.

DrPrunesquallor · 08/04/2023 14:39

You said you were a little too tolerant and should have been firmer.
But I agree it’s impossible to know how to talk to other peoples kids these days. You never know how the parents will react.
So better to talk to the parents, ask that their child stops coming to your table and 🤞hope for the best.

We ve had a few situations when ours were young and I always talked to the parents. On one holiday we nearly ended up with our own 3 children and someone else’s 2 kids because their parents couldn’t be bothered to do anything with them. After 2 days of this I popped round and asked that their kids dont spend every day in our cottage/ pool etc. They left their holiday early in the end. But they weren’t rude, I think they thought we were a soft touch and free childcare. Which is basically what you were at the restaurant.

Comfies · 08/04/2023 14:45

Yanbu and I would have been a bit upset about the handbag if it was a nice one.

Kids will act this way and goodness knows mine are not naturally brilliant at eating politely in restaurants. But that's part of parenting; parents need to correct poor behaviour so children learn what is and isn't acceptable

Original poster
Neverhappyalwayshopeful · 08/04/2023 18:51

fitzwilliamdarcy · 08/04/2023 11:15

The last time I called a parent out on her child’s behaviour (she was sitting behind me on the bus and wiped her wet hands on my hair and hood of my coat), her mother called me a pathetic arsehole who likes “picking on kids”. She went on and on at me for what felt like half an hour but was probably only 5 minutes.

I don’t even bother with it anymore - I just ask to move tables or if not possible I leave. I just can’t be arsed dealing with the general standard of modern parenting. I don’t know if it’s Covid or what, but the majority of kids I see in public behave like they’re feral, and their parents don’t give a shit.

I think this is my worry. I've seen some awful altercations and keep seeing people plaster things on social media too with photos and videos of people for things like antisocial parking, skipping queues etc etc. This thread has made me realise I'm not very assertive and should spend some time working on that!

OP posts:
Sudeko · 08/04/2023 19:15

As usual, balance is key. Last week, I saw an irate middle aged man bawl out "Queue jumper!" to someone with a non - prominent disability and their assistant. I wanted to tell him off there and then.

Moonlightdust · 08/04/2023 19:31

Urgh I can’t stand entitled kids and their entitled parents.

JudgeRudy · 08/04/2023 19:37

Neverhappyalwayshopeful · 08/04/2023 01:46

Hubby thinks I'm being unreasonable.

We are parents to an 8 month old and almost 12 year old. This evening we went out for a quick dinner at Nando's. The eldest was at a play date so was just the 3 of us on a table for 4. The table next to us was a couple and a young child aged between 2 and 3. They had plenty of seating and a high chair available for the girl to use. They chose to all sit on the bench side of the table presumably to sit together. I was also sat on the bench side of our table with an empty seat next to me. I put my bag there. Hubby was sat opposite and our baby was in the pushchair in the space next to him as he can't sit in one of those wooden high chairs just yet.

The little girl from the table next to us was constantly walking along the bench, coming to our table, scraping a fork along the back wall and asking her parents for our food. My husband asked her parents and then offered her a snack from our sons snack box at one point to try and appease her. She didn't want that, she wanted our food. It made our meal really awkward. I didn't say anything rude but tried to politely diffuse the situation by engaging with her, making conversation back and also telling her that her dinner was at her table and her chips were waiting for her etc etc. A few minutes later, she was back again and this time was standing on my handbag which i had placed on the empty seat next to me (on our table). As I turned and saw this, the dad had the cheek to tell me that 'I may want to move my bag' as she is standing on it! Of course I did move it but to somehow phrase it as though I should move my belongings from a seat that belongs to our table when in fact his child was trampling on my handbag felt cheeky! It was a very expensive handbag too but even if it wasn't, I would have been just as annoyed. There wasn't even an apology!

Generally, I like to think that I'm not one of those parents who judges others or expects children to behave perfectly but this situation really annoyed me. I expected the parents to take some ownership of their child's behaviour and try to manage it. DH thinks it's just a case of a child behaving like a child and that the parents didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't imagine allowing my child to interrupt another family the way we were continually interrupted today. If the parents were trying and the girl was just being inquisitive, I genuinely wouldn't have minded. It's the lack of trying and no acknowledgment for the fact that we were being inconvenienced that is irritating. Even a simple, I'm so sorry she's going through a phase of blah blah blah.

AIBU for feeling/thinking as I am?

Error 1 your husband offered her a snack
Error 2 you engaged in conversation to 'diffuse' the situation.
Error 3 you smiled sweetly, said nothing and moved your handbag.

The parents seating sounds fine. There's a space between you and them. You used the neutral space for your handbag...fine
But what on earth was your husband thinking. A child that age does not understand and has just labelled you both a friend and a source of food.
I'd have spoken up. Not necessarily directly to the parents but a few side eyes and a tut. I'd have also put my hand out to a child invading my personal space, glared and labelled myself hostile. If it continued I'd have moved.
In fairness, I wouldn't expect fine dining in Nandos but I wouldn't tolerate this either.

I'll bet that not only did it spoil your meal but I bet the two of you bickered later about who did or didnt do what!

curlymom · 08/04/2023 19:45

girlfriend44 · 08/04/2023 11:12

Bad advice don't make sure the parents hear because if they aren't nice, they could kick off and it will spoil your evening.

Ask to move discretely. Think long term. Do you want to get into a row?

Show quote history

That’s fine. If a toddler walked on me or my bag it’s more likely I would kick off!

Murdoch1949 · 09/04/2023 09:04

Indulgent parents, failing to teach their child how to behave in a restaurant setting. You were too kind to her and this encouraged her to continue interacting with you. The parents should have stopped her from continually coming over to you, but also you should have ignored her & maybe she would have lost interest - the parents would also have realised that their DD wasn't the apple of everyone's eye.

Justbefair · 09/04/2023 18:03

YANBU, rude and irresponsible of her parents.

Messyhair321 · 09/04/2023 18:13

I had a very annoying child & in all honesty I was grateful for any break I could get.
That said the standing on your bag is a bit odd & in your shoes now I would've felt the same.

However you could have said something at the time, why didn't you?