Child in Nando's

[Neverhappyalwayshopeful]

Hubby thinks I'm being unreasonable.

We are parents to an 8 month old and almost 12 year old. This evening we went out for a quick dinner at Nando's. The eldest was at a play date so was just the 3 of us on a table for 4. The table next to us was a couple and a young child aged between 2 and 3. They had plenty of seating and a high chair available for the girl to use. They chose to all sit on the bench side of the table presumably to sit together. I was also sat on the bench side of our table with an empty seat next to me. I put my bag there. Hubby was sat opposite and our baby was in the pushchair in the space next to him as he can't sit in one of those wooden high chairs just yet.

The little girl from the table next to us was constantly walking along the bench, coming to our table, scraping a fork along the back wall and asking her parents for our food. My husband asked her parents and then offered her a snack from our sons snack box at one point to try and appease her. She didn't want that, she wanted our food. It made our meal really awkward. I didn't say anything rude but tried to politely diffuse the situation by engaging with her, making conversation back and also telling her that her dinner was at her table and her chips were waiting for her etc etc. A few minutes later, she was back again and this time was standing on my handbag which i had placed on the empty seat next to me (on our table). As I turned and saw this, the dad had the cheek to tell me that 'I may want to move my bag' as she is standing on it! Of course I did move it but to somehow phrase it as though I should move my belongings from a seat that belongs to our table when in fact his child was trampling on my handbag felt cheeky! It was a very expensive handbag too but even if it wasn't, I would have been just as annoyed. There wasn't even an apology!

Generally, I like to think that I'm not one of those parents who judges others or expects children to behave perfectly but this situation really annoyed me. I expected the parents to take some ownership of their child's behaviour and try to manage it. DH thinks it's just a case of a child behaving like a child and that the parents didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't imagine allowing my child to interrupt another family the way we were continually interrupted today. If the parents were trying and the girl was just being inquisitive, I genuinely wouldn't have minded. It's the lack of trying and no acknowledgment for the fact that we were being inconvenienced that is irritating. Even a simple, I'm so sorry she's going through a phase of blah blah blah.

AIBU for feeling/thinking as I am?

The parents aren't teaching that child any boundaries, either.

She's begging food from another table without being checked at 3 - who's to say that she won't beg food off someone who is less kindly than the OP in a couple more years when she is more independent and wandering perhaps out of sight, and end up becoming a statistic on crimesheet?

Children need to learn that they don't approach strangers, or accept/ ask for anything from them.

Right, so you don't understand what the poster is saying, but you have decided that it means telling the child to fuck off. Really?

YANBU. I feel like I encounter terrible behaviour from children whose parents are probably more self congratulatory that they aren’t giving their child an iPad, but in the meantime they’re being a massive PITA to everyone around them.

I’d also have said “You might want to move your child” but I’m a petty fucker 🤣

Really?

I assumed that she was advocating saying "Go back to your own table, little girl. This is our food and it isn't for you", rather than pussy-footing around with "Your mummy has got you some food. I'll bet it's lovely." or whatever. People can be so "polite" the message doesn't get across, somethings.

I certainly wouldn't have fed her.

YANBU.

You were a model of good behaviour. The other parents should have controlled their child.

That's what I got too @Emotionalsupportviper - where did people get 'Fuck off' from?

Of course you could stop him and if he screams take him outside. Why on earth should someone move their bag because a parent isn’t controlling their toddler?

You were too nice OP, I’d have told the parents to stop their child bothering me.

I would have said something rude to them and moved tables

YANBU, wandering around a bit and being called back is fine, or chatting a bit, but the parents shouldn't have let her harass you so much nor climb round your table. Next time you need to be clear "Please would you take your daughter back to your table so that we can enjoy our food? Thanks"
If they huff, ignore them, if they don't do it then ask staff to help. Don't just sit there with a child climbing over you though.

YANBU, OP! I agree it’s the lack of trying from the parents’ part that’s the issue. I don’t think it’s being judgemental towards parents. Of course it’s not okay for a child to stand somewhere people sit in a restaurant.

While I’d love to do what PPs have suggested like tell them to parent their child, I know it’s not that easy. It seems absurd and interfering to me that a stranger should tell another to parent and would have been similarly polite as you were eg “Your chips are going cold over there. I’m going to eat my dinner now before mine goes cold. Enjoy yours.” Her parents should have picked up that you actually didn’t appreciate your bag being stood on and just being polite to the family and speaking in an age-appropriate way to a lovely toddler who didn’t know better.

I wrote about how kids ruined my carpet a while ago on here as their mother just left them run riot while eating raspberries (not to mention also a choking hazard for the youngest so I had my heart in my mouth too), despite my polite requests that they sit at the table or they play without them. I even pointed out stains. A poster said it was my fault for not removing them but I personally just couldn’t swipe a punnet of fruit from their mother who was also eating them at the time. I agree I should have, though! But my point is we really shouldn’t have to feel we’re being impolite or whatever when kids are doing something they definitely shouldn’t be doing.

You were wrong to be so friendly OP from the very start. You should have ignored her, not to offer her food. I did the same mistake first few times when we were out. Now I never smile to a child in a plane in front of me otherwise he will be pestering me the whole flight whereas his parents will likely do nothing.

Explain this to your DH hopefully he will understand, my mum is like him always too friendly with other children. It’s actually very embarrassing and unpleasant as if she could not interact and give attention to her own kids who were with her.

That’s not acceptable behaviour at all. My children have disabilities and never have we ever let them run rampant in a restaurant or bug other people, we spent all our energy on entertaining them and making sure they were calm, if they ever started to get loud or fidgety one of us would take them outside for a little while. I don’t understand why some people are happy for their children to behave like this.

I would say something tbh. Especially about the handbag. If he said that yo me I would take it as an invitation to say something like "you may want to move your child off my expensive handbag before I do. Actually, stopping her disrupting our meal is what you need to be doing".
I have children. I would never allow this. Your child is adorable to you, but often a pita for fellow diners.

Where did I say that the parents should have allowed their kid to continually bother others? My point was, is that some parents care and some don’t. It makes more sense to move tables seeing as the parents very evidently couldn’t have given two shits

I genuinely can’t see how anyone could think you were unreasonable

those parents sound entitled and self absorbed and selfish

YANBU

I would have point blank told them after a bit of annoyance something along the lines of “I’m sorry do you mind we want to be able to eat our meal in peace” If that didn’t work then would have asked staff if we could move table.

Our DC is one to try and make friends but beyond a hello, I tell him the people are trying to enjoy their dinner, please leave them alone you can say bye later…

They had plenty of opportunity to put her in high chair and should have brought toys/tablet to keep her occupied. Lack of planning and consideration.

Of course you could stop him. I would hate going out with you too, it is embarrassing, it is a hazard and it is unacceptable. It would not happen more than once. You do not need to chase a child who has not been allowed to leave their seat.

I get this in trains. I pack activities for my own DC only to have kids coming over from other parts of the carriage to either stare or join in. In one case, my DCs were not up for it and the girl would not go away. Then her mum who was quite obviously canoodling with a new boyfriend started getting nasty because her DD had been blanked. It comes down to people not realizing that not everyone feels the same way about their DC as they do and if it's not paid daycare or school t6hen private family time is just that, private.

I would have ignored the child or asked to be moved. By engaging, you encouraged the child.

No way we could stop him
Then you should have removed him. I imagine everybody hated going out with you, and other diners probably cringed as you arrived as well.
How brazen of you to advise op she should have just moved her bag and sucked it up!

AIBU for feeling/thinking as I am?
YANBU at all for feeling it.

YABU for stewing about events which you, as an autonomous adults, had the power to stop, but chose not to. Being "nice" about stuff that is pissing you off is an act of passive-aggression, & the person who suffers from that choice is yourself. I imagine DH feels similar & doesn't want to hear you banging on about it any more, which is why he thinks YABU.
He may be thinking that it either pissed you off - so do something about it - or because you did a #BeKind routine instead of expressing yourself, that it can't have been a big deal, so stop stewing about it.

A few minutes later, she was back again and this time was standing on my handbag which i had placed on the empty seat next to me (on our table). As I turned and saw this, the dad had the cheek to tell me that 'I may want to move my bag' as she is standing on it! Of course I did move it but to somehow phrase it as though I should move my belongings from a seat that belongs to our table when in fact his child was trampling on my handbag felt cheeky!
This is exactly what I mean.
You were totally pissed off, & just kept pretending you weren't.
That's down to YOU. Obviously the parents should have been - well, parenting! - but they couldn't be arsed to. That shit happens all the time - are you going to always playact not minding while secretly being enraged - or are you going to learn some proper assertiveness so you handle it better?
When the dad made that asinine comment, your perfect rejoinder would have been:
"actually, you might want to remove your little girl from my handbag, seeing that she's jumping on our seat at our table".
You could have delivered that calmly, even with a little smile to soften it.
If you don't tell people your expectations, they can't adhere to them. Especially when they are the entitled type who believe other adults must tolerate intrusion from their uncontrolled delightfully spirited DC.

Generally, I like to think that I'm not one of those parents who judges others or expects children to behave perfectly but this situation really annoyed me. I expected the parents to take some ownership of their child's behaviour and try to manage it.
& yet you failed to say so, even once.
The parents may have been telling themselves how much you were enjoying interacting with their child. It's certainly what your actions indicated. How were they to know you were seething?
I get that you wouldn't have allowed your own DC to behave this way, but going through life getting all pass-agg because other people's standards are different from your own is a recipe for frustration & self-defeat.

DH thinks it's just a case of a child behaving like a child and that the parents didn't do anything wrong.
And millions of parents may agree with him. That's how life is - full of irritations because we do all things differently. Instead of being silently annoyed when that difference pisses you off, the onus is on you to communicate that you do not wish to be interrupted, & politely request that the interruptions stop.

Here you go OP - buy yourself this little jewel of a book & start practicing your assertiveness, so that you get to handle this type of encounter more effectively in future - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

@HelloBunny

you could and should have stopped your son from bothering other diners

You were lovely.

The kid was just being a kid.

The parents are lazy CFs for failing to parent and spoiling your dinner.

The trouble with Nando’s is a lot of bottom feeders go there.