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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child in Nando's

240 replies

Neverhappyalwayshopeful · 08/04/2023 01:46

Hubby thinks I'm being unreasonable.

We are parents to an 8 month old and almost 12 year old. This evening we went out for a quick dinner at Nando's. The eldest was at a play date so was just the 3 of us on a table for 4. The table next to us was a couple and a young child aged between 2 and 3. They had plenty of seating and a high chair available for the girl to use. They chose to all sit on the bench side of the table presumably to sit together. I was also sat on the bench side of our table with an empty seat next to me. I put my bag there. Hubby was sat opposite and our baby was in the pushchair in the space next to him as he can't sit in one of those wooden high chairs just yet.

The little girl from the table next to us was constantly walking along the bench, coming to our table, scraping a fork along the back wall and asking her parents for our food. My husband asked her parents and then offered her a snack from our sons snack box at one point to try and appease her. She didn't want that, she wanted our food. It made our meal really awkward. I didn't say anything rude but tried to politely diffuse the situation by engaging with her, making conversation back and also telling her that her dinner was at her table and her chips were waiting for her etc etc. A few minutes later, she was back again and this time was standing on my handbag which i had placed on the empty seat next to me (on our table). As I turned and saw this, the dad had the cheek to tell me that 'I may want to move my bag' as she is standing on it! Of course I did move it but to somehow phrase it as though I should move my belongings from a seat that belongs to our table when in fact his child was trampling on my handbag felt cheeky! It was a very expensive handbag too but even if it wasn't, I would have been just as annoyed. There wasn't even an apology!

Generally, I like to think that I'm not one of those parents who judges others or expects children to behave perfectly but this situation really annoyed me. I expected the parents to take some ownership of their child's behaviour and try to manage it. DH thinks it's just a case of a child behaving like a child and that the parents didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't imagine allowing my child to interrupt another family the way we were continually interrupted today. If the parents were trying and the girl was just being inquisitive, I genuinely wouldn't have minded. It's the lack of trying and no acknowledgment for the fact that we were being inconvenienced that is irritating. Even a simple, I'm so sorry she's going through a phase of blah blah blah.

AIBU for feeling/thinking as I am?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 08/04/2023 07:16

I wouldn't have offered her any of your food. I'd have been firm but icily polite and sent her back to her parents each time.

NumberTheory · 08/04/2023 07:18

YANBU that the parents should have been teaching her how to behave in a restaurant if they’re going to take her to a restaurant. But I think you were sending mixed messages to her and her parents and so your are partly to blame for the whole thing continuing.

Chatting to her and offering her food is encouraging her come over to you and to do what she wants. Her parents may not normally care, or they may have been tired, not thinking straight and thought you genuinely liked having their DD come over (she will, after all, seem like the most amazing child who’s ever lived to them, it may be that haven’t quite figured out yet that that’s only because she’s theirs!).

You should have made your boundaries clearer from the start. But the other parents were definitely out of order, and I can’t believe the “you may want to move your bag” comment. Shock

palelavender · 08/04/2023 07:21

My mother who was a former nanny would have just turned round and told them to uplift their child. If they didn't she had the sort of naturally commanding sort of presence that could send a child screaming back to its parents with a few words from her. She was fierce and fearless. I always try to channel my mother at moments like this.

HubertTheGoat · 08/04/2023 07:21

Teateaandmoretea · 08/04/2023 07:08

Hardly her fault - her parents haven't taught her any better.

As you said, she’s 2. You can’t teach 2 year olds table manners for them to apply to new situations you can only control what they are doing at that point.

Hmm, I have a two year old currently and not sure I agree with this, as well as an older child who has come out the other side. Either way though, the point still stands. The child's not a brat; she wasn't firmly corrected by any of the adults around and at times was encouraged. No wonder she didn't stop.

Ttbhappy · 08/04/2023 07:22

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 02:08

AIBU for feeling/thinking as I am?
Not in the least.

Why didn't you counter the "You might want to move your bag?" with "You might want to move your child?"

Show quote history

It just causes an argument between people and friction doesn't solve anything with that tone. I think OP did her best in that situation.

MaverickSnoopy · 08/04/2023 07:25

YANBU. Children need to learn as they grow up appropriate table manners when they eat out, even at that age.

Your husband needs to really reflect on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. I think the boundaries of what was acceptable shifted when you both started engaging in a very friendly way about it all, which I expect the parents viewed as being on the same page. I'm not saying be rude but I don't think the messages you sent said you wanted them to change their behaviour.

BlackBarbies · 08/04/2023 07:34

I just don’t understand threads like this.

You didn’t ask to move tables, you didn’t say anything to the parents and you actually moved your bag. Your now on MN to complain about your experience and ask if YABU. What difference is it going to make that you’ve now posted on here? I don’t get why you didn’t say anything at the time?

They were obviously in the wrong. Not sure why the parents just sat by and let the child do whatever she wanted but they probably saw you guys interacting with her and thought they’ll leave you too it.

Tbf, it’s Nando’s. A family restaurant. Some people try to keep their children from bothering others and some don’t. You should have just moved imo

Theos · 08/04/2023 07:36

palelavender · 08/04/2023 07:21

My mother who was a former nanny would have just turned round and told them to uplift their child. If they didn't she had the sort of naturally commanding sort of presence that could send a child screaming back to its parents with a few words from her. She was fierce and fearless. I always try to channel my mother at moments like this.

Uplift? Is she English?

midsomermurderess · 08/04/2023 07:36

@BlackBarbies I agree. She was sending out a message tat she didn’t mind. Bottled it all and comes on here and complains. If you dint like something, you have to say at time.

Theos · 08/04/2023 07:37

Basically the kid was a twat
yhe parents were lazy fuckers

Theos · 08/04/2023 07:37

LOVE how you’re all blaming the OP 😂😂😂

midsomermurderess · 08/04/2023 07:38

Sorry, wrong quote. But ‘uplift your child’? Do people speak like that?

HelloBunny · 08/04/2023 07:39

My son was the type, when he was small, to chat to everyone in the place, sit with other kids, Ruhr around. No way we could stop him. Telling him to sit down would only make him worse, or result in a melt down. We didn’t go out to eat very often.
My sister’s son on the other hand, would be the type who sits quietly eating his food & doing exactly as he’s asked. He wouldn’t ever talk to anyone else. Just different personalities. She & BIL hated going out with us.
If I could have my kid sitting nicely, then of course I would. As then I could enjoy my meal too! But I spend most of the time running after DS! If I were you I would just have moved my expensive bag...

midsomermurderess · 08/04/2023 07:40

Theos · 08/04/2023 07:37

LOVE how you’re all blaming the OP 😂😂😂

Not blaming as such, just wondering why she didn’t say something at the time. A long, detailed complaint here won’t change anything. Had she said something, it might have given the parents something to think about for the future.

MavisCruet2023 · 08/04/2023 07:42

You were way too tolerant.
In that case, I would have moved tables.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/04/2023 07:45

Some people try to keep their children from bothering others and some don’t.

And that's the difference between good parents and bad parents. No one should allow their kids to continually keep bothering other people. It doesn't matter which restaurant it is.

Finchgold · 08/04/2023 07:47

In these situations it’s always useful to remember you don’t know the child or what their normal is. Maybe this was them being really good and the parents were just delighted they weren’t flinging food or screaming!

user1471538283 · 08/04/2023 07:52

She did what? Asked you for your food?!

My DS was food mad but I would have been on him asking strangers for food. At that age she either sits and eats her own dinner or they go home. Another example of people expecting others to parent their child.

KnittingNeedles · 08/04/2023 07:54

Sleepyandconfused · 08/04/2023 01:51

It sounds like you were really nice to the child. Good for you. Kids are annoying but they’re just kids. The parents should have done something but maybe they were relieved that you were being so lovely about it? I always try to be nice to parents with annoying kids as we have all been there when kids go through the annoying phase.

The parents were "relieved"? Yes - they totally delegated parenting their own child to the OP, who had her own child to be looking after.

OP you were far too nice. I would not have engaged with a badly-behaved child who was annoying me and my family. The indulgent, feckless parents should have told her to sit on her arse and stop bothering the nice lady and her DH. Most definitely when she started begging for your food.

Why didn't you ask the server to move you away from this horror and her useless parents?

xsquared · 08/04/2023 08:01

Her parents are at fault for letting her disturb others, play with a fork and generally being a nuisance in public.

It's not cute and parents need to understand not everyone likes to interact with little children, especially when they're trying to have a family meal.

YANBU for the way you feel, and you're probably more annoyed at yourself for not being assertive enough atthe time.

If it were me, I probably would have told the parents to keep an eye on their child, as we're trying to eat.

BreatheAndFocus · 08/04/2023 08:03

YABU because you engaged with the child and even gave them food! Why?? Yes, the parents should have controlled the child better and been more apologetic but they saw youth your family, saw you being nice to their child, and assumed you were ok with the whole thing.

Next time, try a firm No to the child. Be a bit ‘scary’ and off-putting (unfriendly face, firm not friendly tone). I’d also have asked the parents to make their child sit down and stop walking on the bench.

RealMcKoy · 08/04/2023 08:03

As somebody of Jamaican heritage, I can tell you that making full use of emphatic "old timey" English, the type that can be more common in the Anglo Americas.....well it can be VERY effectively used in dissolving any passive aggressive, infringing " Modern Englishness" where people pretend that they really haven't got any "act right" about them ( often wrapped up in smiles, trite laughter and soft "Received pronunciation").

English can be a very communicative and beautiful language if used outside of typical Mumsnet constraints.

Itsokay2020 · 08/04/2023 08:05

I had a similar situation at a country pub a few weeks ago; we had long dog walk with my teenager and a friend, with both of our dogs. We were sat in the garden and had ordered food. We were aware there was 60th Birthday celebration taking place indoors and there were several children in attendance. The kids, aged from 2 to 7, were playing in the garden unsupervised and initially well away from us.

The kids quickly spotted us and before we knew it, made a beeline for our two dogs. They didn’t ask if they could approach the dogs - my friends dog is a soppy young Labrador who loves a fuss whereas mine is a nervous rescue. I repeatedly asked them to leave mine alone, but they weren’t listening. They kept asking questions about us, the dogs etc. I eventually asked the kids, about five of them, to leave us in peace as we wanted to enjoy our lunch and chat amongst each other. The oldest boy told me I was rude! I laughed at the time, we all did, and he looked utterly perplexed that another adult was telling him (politely!) to go away.

On another day I may well have located the parent(s) and had a quiet word! It was ridiculous and, as a parent, I would never have let my child behave in this way. This sense of entitlement and belief that everyone should like/tolerate/accept your child is ridiculous and I’m starting to observe this behaviour more and more. Shame on the parents that allow their child(ren) to bother others without consent.

Showerpowerer · 08/04/2023 08:08

Hell no! That kid and the parents are rude.

YABU for putting up with it, moving your bag and offering the kid food. A child who was putting their shoes where people sit and scraping a fork along the seat.

I would have lost my cool or just ignored them with a few eye glances.

TitoMojito · 08/04/2023 08:14

I would've said something. I had similar in a restaurant once, also sitting in one of those wall length booth/bench seats. We finally lost it and told the parents to control their child after she crawled along the top of the bench and kicked me in the head.

If your child won't behave in a restaurant, don’t take them to the restaurant.