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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think anyone with 4+ kids must be run ragged

158 replies

Peppadog · 07/04/2023 20:14

How does anyone manage with 4 kids and still feel like they are coping and enjoying life? I'm asking this partly because we have 3 and are considering a 4th. Every Mumsnet thread I've googled seems generally to warn people off, says the children miss out, parents spread too thin etc.
Does anyone have 4 and really love it and think they still get enough time with each child?
This is a bit of a cheek AIBU but there is never much traffic on large families!

OP posts:
Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 07/04/2023 20:17

No. It’s shit (twin pregnancy number 3). So expensive to go anywhere or do anything, need a massive car. I wouldn’t have 4 by choice.

BecauseTheOnlyWayIsUp · 07/04/2023 20:20

Interesting as I also have three OP and am actually the youngest of four myself. I didn't feel like I missed out on anything. I love the hussle and hussle of a big busy life. Finances are what holds me back. Watching with interest.

Changethenamey · 07/04/2023 20:21

I have 3 and run ragged already but they are close in age. I think age gap plays a part, how helpful is your OH and do you work well as a team, can you afford another (housing, food, clothes, hobbies, car, days out etc etc). Also think about how you would cope if circumstances change (do you rely on one income for example, can you afford another maternity leave). Mine are 5, 8, 10 and I can now see why having a 4th could work because there is always one left out… but equally I know I am totally done with 3 and I want to be present for my oldest as she approaches her teens which wouldn’t be possible if I had another now.

Original poster
Peppadog · 07/04/2023 20:25

I have a very supportive OH. He does at least his fair share, it not more. He works full time and I work 3 days, but currently on mat leave. We are definitely a team, my DH has the potential to earn very well, but it's contract work so it is a bit risky. I wouldn't consider another until he has a solid contact in place for a decent length of time.
He is one of four and had a fantastic upbringing, but times were simpler and they lived a simple countryside life.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 07/04/2023 20:26

I have a neighbour who has just had their 5th.

When she was pregnant with no.4 I’d see her biking around with one on the back, one on an attached kid bike and one riding independently. She’s always well put together and seems to have high energy. She’s walking daily now with no.5 in a carrier and will get back to jogging soon I’m sure. Not sure if she has help at home but she’s quite amazing, and doesn’t look like much phases her.

my other neighbour friend is expecting number 5 too. She has her mum living with them for help and WFH. Still lots of activities she gets to the kids to, and is a very patient, mom.

stayathomer · 07/04/2023 20:35

We just see ourselves as a chaotic family but are happy with it as kids are good-as in nice, averagely behaved (they don't shout, swear, hit each other, run off etc but aren't maybe at the same level as kids that go 'hi mrs stay at homer' etc.) We both work, myself just a few hours less than full time, dh full time and there is serious juggling and yes it can be so tiring but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Cost wise it is insane, think of it this way-you buy a bunch of bananas or a six pack of crisps and one sitting has them gone, when you need to get new shoes for one you'll find another needs them and then even with a buy one get one half price you're down over a hundred quid. But back to the practicalities: the jump to three was harder, the fact you didn't have a free hand to hold one, the potty training when another was in nappies etc etc. They are all best friends and get on fantastically. We haven't yet fallen into the eldest looking after the youngest, as was a thing in our time, but he would tell them to eg ease up if they're being loud or messing. Which they do. It is crazy, but it's us. Best of luck with the decision op

MadMadMadamMim · 07/04/2023 20:40

We've got 5 and it's fine. We had three in three years, then a gap and another couple. They are grown up now, but we enjoyed having a big family and I never felt run ragged. The eldest three were late primary years when we had a toddler and a baby, however.

They are pretty close and generally got on well. None of them felt they missed out on time/love or material things.

Billyhargrovesmullet · 07/04/2023 20:40

I’ve got 4 (single parent not by choice) and mostly it’s fine I’m just on the go constantly but then there’s days like today where they’ve nit picked at each other and me all day that I’m so ready for bedtime. Space wise in the house and money wise it can get tight but they don’t go without anything. When they were little it was easier as they all liked more or less the same thing but now as teens it’s harder that way but I still wouldn’t change it

Tinybrother · 07/04/2023 20:48

It’s much much more about what you personally have capacity for. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. I’m one of five, and my mother didn’t find it excessively difficult, which is partly circumstances but also partly her personality. She worked almost full time and did almost everything in the house because my dad was away a lot. She was on the go constantly, but didn’t feel completely wrung out by that (she has said this). I don’t want that many children because I know with my own children that the 3 I have is the limit of my personal capacity. I can’t be a good enough mother (by my own estimation) to more than that. I’m not saying others can’t, just that I can’t. Which is why it’s not desperately helpful hearing others’ views on this, because you’ll get some who are utterly worn down and some who find it hard work but perfectly manageable, and that doesn’t really tell you anything about how you would find it.

Pearlhavingherfifth · 07/04/2023 20:50

We have 5.
Age:8 months,3 years,5 years,7 tears and 13.Not easy but I love it!
I am very happy with my children,they are very good kids.
I am very energetic,just got back to my pre pregnancy weight 54 kg,and feeling fantastic.
The kids saying they love to be a part of a big family,and would like to have more siblings....(no more as i am getting older)
If you love children and you would like to have a fourth,go for it!The best feeling when you see them all together playing happily....

Original poster
Peppadog · 07/04/2023 20:52

If all went to plan age gaps would be age 8, 5, 2 and a newborn.

Very interesting response thank you. I'm definitely not one of those super mums that can manage loads of kids without getting stressed. We tend to avoid stressful situations so I never take 3 shopping, we both work mostly from home so it's easy enough to pop out for chores. We will live a 1 minute walk from the primary school. I love love love babies and toddlers. I love all the ages so far and watching them interact but I do get overwhelmed at times, the noise can get too much. My eldest really wants another so he clearly isn't too traumatised so far. We don't need to decide straight away but it plays in my mind a lot, drives me mad!

OP posts:
TheInterceptor · 07/04/2023 20:53

I have 4 under seven. I'd have another if I wasn't 46. I love it, the children are a great team Smile

Eggseggseverywhere · 07/04/2023 20:56

We had 8 of mine here today.
Usually just 4 here full time.
Busy to say the least..

Original poster
Peppadog · 07/04/2023 20:56

Wow @TheInterceptor so you had 4 after age 39? How amazing. My friend is trying for her first age 38 and is so worried she won't have the big family she has always wanted, just shows it's still possible 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppadog · 07/04/2023 20:57

How do you all cope with after school activities? My eldest currently does things three nights a week. So far the other two are too young but surely this changes and becomes difficult?

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 07/04/2023 20:58

We have four, the tiny years were a bit bonkers but I grew up as one of four and just went with it.

Now they are older (9-15) it's great. The only time it feels tricky is juggling all their hobbies, it can feel like logistics planning some evenings.

Squamata · 07/04/2023 20:58

I'm one of three and have a weird dynamic with siblings. I think even numbers are better, with three there's always an odd one out.

KeepYouForever · 07/04/2023 20:59

A few of my friends are from families of 4 kids and they said despite their parents being loving, they never felt there was much time for them, and so only had 2 kids themselves. We have 2 and I think we’d have struggled to give them all the attention and opportunities we wanted to if we had 4.

Olaftree · 07/04/2023 21:00

I have 3 - 7, 5 and 2. I’m hoping to have another next year. I’m an only child and no family is perfect but the bond between my boys amazes me every day, they are so close!

Rollerbird · 07/04/2023 21:01

I had 4. All adult now. The younger years are a bit of a blur!
It was busy but fun.and stressful.
They all get on well now.

HappyValet · 07/04/2023 21:01

I was one of 5 growing and my parents were mega chilled and just awesome really. I had a really happy childhood. I think they are just well suited to it. They absolutely thrive with their 12 grandchildren under 12yo now.

I have 3 and some days would like another but can't be pregnant again. Many other days I wish I'd stayed child free forever...

It's often seen on MN that anything over 2 children is impossible, selfish, doesn't give children the attention they need etc, but it really comes down to the people involved and the individual circumstances.

SuperSleepyBaby · 07/04/2023 21:02

I have 4. I find school nights relentless - getting homework done, showers, laundry, dinner etc etc etc! Weekends are much easier.

i don’t understand people who find it easy to have 4 or more children- maybe their children are better behaved than mine! My younger two spend about 70% of the time best friends - and the other 30% fighting with each other!

i dont feel they miss out on time with me. I make an effort to take them out and spend time with them one to one - like for a walk with the dog. For the older ones thats more than enough as they spend more time with their friends now.

Kanaloa · 07/04/2023 21:03

I have four. It’s a bigger family but hardly channel 5 ‘we have to make our mashed potatoes in the bathtub because there are so many of us’ big. It isn’t particularly chaotic. Actually we’re fairly organised/calm.

Kanaloa · 07/04/2023 21:05

For after school activities we are lucky as pils are supportive and we live in a small town. DS is teen now so he is more independent and he can bike to karate on the weeknights as it is nearby. The others are a bit young since it’s often dark after school too. And of course you look at what you’re signing them up for and try to make sure you can make it.

tillytoodles1 · 07/04/2023 21:05

I am one of five from a poor family and had nothing growing up. When I got married my husband and I had good jobs and we had two kids, a boy then a girl. We had a nice life, good holidays, nice toys etc and never regretted only having two.

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