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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think anyone with 4+ kids must be run ragged

158 replies

Peppadog · 07/04/2023 20:14

How does anyone manage with 4 kids and still feel like they are coping and enjoying life? I'm asking this partly because we have 3 and are considering a 4th. Every Mumsnet thread I've googled seems generally to warn people off, says the children miss out, parents spread too thin etc.
Does anyone have 4 and really love it and think they still get enough time with each child?
This is a bit of a cheek AIBU but there is never much traffic on large families!

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppadog · 09/04/2023 14:08

@FoodieToo how did you manage all the juggling with sports? If more than one had training on the same evening would you bring the others with you and go two separate ways or did you ever have a nanny or au pair to help or friends taking your children to places?

We live somewhere with good public transport so I think a lot of activities they will be able to get to themselves after a certain age but competitive sports involve driving to matches in other locations, and I just wonder how that all works.

You make some very good points about living life to the max and appreciating it. There's times when it feels like everyone's crying and I'm knackered but I know how precious the times are and I need to try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible and accept the mayhem. I take my hat off to single parents, you are incredible!

Some great holiday suggestions on this thread. Any ideas for a good October half term holiday for a family of 5 with 3 littlies? We are thinking that might be our first abroad holiday

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppadog · 09/04/2023 14:11

@whatkatydid2013 I will look into Billund! I've seen lots of Denmark and Netherlands suggestions on different threads, hadn't really considered that type of hol before.

OP posts:
Felixss · 09/04/2023 14:12

I can't imagine having 4!!! 1 is my limit I can't imagine having the personal capacity for lots of children. I like my down time and to chill DD is 10 so getting more independent. I don't think I'd be a good mother to lots of children.

ouchmyteeth · 09/04/2023 14:15

I wanted to have 3 or 4. I hated being an only child with a passion and always thought I’d have a nice big, busy family of my own when I grew up. As it is we’ve had to stop with 2 (finances and one DC with some additional needs), I do feel a little pang sometimes when I see bigger families but I’m happy and grateful for my 2 and it’s still lovely seeing a sibling bond I never got to experience.

BungleandGeorge · 09/04/2023 14:24

I imagine it depends a lot on your household set up. Do you both need to work full time hours? What time will you be home? If you have 2 adults willing and able to Invest time in childcare, or one sahp you could well be better off time wise than some smaller families

jenjenlinks · 09/04/2023 14:30

shutthewindownow · 08/04/2023 08:22

No. Think about when they are teenagers. How expensive that is. You can't help them financially when there's that many. Driving lessons and cars etc you aren't just having a baby you are having an adult aswell.

Cars? I'm not buying anyone cars whether I have 1 or 20!!

I have 4, inc teenagers. We are not run ragged, we're not chaotic, we don't have much family help or are wealthy. I spend time with them all, togetehr and seperately.

We have holidays, we have days out, everyone has everything they need. I have a full time job and hobbies and a full life. It's really not a big deal to have 4 instead of the expected two.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 14:33

Felixss · 09/04/2023 14:12

I can't imagine having 4!!! 1 is my limit I can't imagine having the personal capacity for lots of children. I like my down time and to chill DD is 10 so getting more independent. I don't think I'd be a good mother to lots of children.

I think that’s the key. Knowing yourself and what you have the capacity for.

My MiL was one of 15 and loved it. Her mother, by all accounts, was just someone that appeared to have endless capacity. She often stepped in for emergency accommodating other children as well. The majority of MIL’s siblings have big families and MiL herself only doesn’t for medical reasons.

Whereas FIL was one of 9 and strongly feels his parents were irresponsible to have their younger children as the circumstances weren’t right for it and the elder children suffered as a result.

washinwashoutrepeat · 09/04/2023 14:36

stayathomer · 07/04/2023 20:35

We just see ourselves as a chaotic family but are happy with it as kids are good-as in nice, averagely behaved (they don't shout, swear, hit each other, run off etc but aren't maybe at the same level as kids that go 'hi mrs stay at homer' etc.) We both work, myself just a few hours less than full time, dh full time and there is serious juggling and yes it can be so tiring but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Cost wise it is insane, think of it this way-you buy a bunch of bananas or a six pack of crisps and one sitting has them gone, when you need to get new shoes for one you'll find another needs them and then even with a buy one get one half price you're down over a hundred quid. But back to the practicalities: the jump to three was harder, the fact you didn't have a free hand to hold one, the potty training when another was in nappies etc etc. They are all best friends and get on fantastically. We haven't yet fallen into the eldest looking after the youngest, as was a thing in our time, but he would tell them to eg ease up if they're being loud or messing. Which they do. It is crazy, but it's us. Best of luck with the decision op

This is us.
We are a happy bunch and I often get comments on what a lovely family we are.

DH and I are both the eldest of 3, and the middle child on both sides doesn't get along with their siblings. It spooked me.

4 is wonderful. I love it and they are a happy clan. 😊

MaryJean87 · 09/04/2023 14:37

I've got 4 and it can be hard but I don't regret it. I don't have much free time and my life revolves around the kids but that's the path I chose and I'm happy. I don't feel that anyone misses out on individual time with me but I am spread thinly. Its probably me that misses out on anything, rather than the kids.

washinwashoutrepeat · 09/04/2023 14:37

Peppadog · 09/04/2023 14:08

@FoodieToo how did you manage all the juggling with sports? If more than one had training on the same evening would you bring the others with you and go two separate ways or did you ever have a nanny or au pair to help or friends taking your children to places?

We live somewhere with good public transport so I think a lot of activities they will be able to get to themselves after a certain age but competitive sports involve driving to matches in other locations, and I just wonder how that all works.

You make some very good points about living life to the max and appreciating it. There's times when it feels like everyone's crying and I'm knackered but I know how precious the times are and I need to try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible and accept the mayhem. I take my hat off to single parents, you are incredible!

Some great holiday suggestions on this thread. Any ideas for a good October half term holiday for a family of 5 with 3 littlies? We are thinking that might be our first abroad holiday

Holidays... eurocamp! We love Bella Italia for October.

Eatentoomanyroses · 09/04/2023 14:41

I think it depends on the kids and circumstances. We’ve got three. You could probably have five of the middle one and not be run ragged as he’s just quiet and generally not demanding. The other two… love them to pieces but lord! Talk about pound of flesh.

Abouttimemum · 09/04/2023 14:56

BreadInCaptivity · 07/04/2023 21:18

My in-laws both came from larger families.

They both say it's a reason why my DH is an only child.

This will not go down well but frankly I think a lot of parents who advocate the benefits of larger families are delusional about the impact to their children.

I'm sure that there are wealthy parents who can compensate for the lack of time they can contribute to each child through throwing money at the issue.

I'm also sure that there are average earning parents thinking they are doing a great job of parenting 4 children or more but like my in-laws will find their children's perception was very different.

I honestly question why people need so many children. Fundamentally it's a decision based on their desires and not the best interests of the children.

I’ve put my tin hat on but I agree. Also the planet is folding in on itself and I worry about it’s capacity.

thefamous5 · 09/04/2023 15:04

We have four. - 11, 10, 8 and 3.

We aren't run ragged.

It's busy, sure. It can be noisy (the three eldest are boys) but it's been much easier having four than the three.

We have a Zafira, which is plenty big enough. We live in a normal three bed house. Do we have loads of space? No. It's perfectly manageable. In fact; this weekend we have 14 people in the house!

We haven't gone in holiday abroad yet (I don't want to until the youngest is five) but we live by the coast so that's not a big deal. We go on plenty of days out.

anerki10 · 09/04/2023 15:06

I have one. That's enough for me. Any more and my DS would get less time with me and DH. We would have less money to spend on him. I'm definitely done but 2 would be an absolute maximum. I just don't see how there's enough hours in the day to have time to give without them missing out.

Original poster
Peppadog · 09/04/2023 15:09

@Eatentoomanyroses I totally know what you mean. My eldest is non stop. He loves life or hates life. If he is happy and occupied he is a total pleasure, he so interested in things and so much fun. But if he is unoccupied for a moment he is miserable and agitated and impatient. He was the same from birth, constantly annoyed by being a baby. I love him but not sure I could cope with 4 of him!
He gets it from me. I think that's why I love parenting. Before I had kids I was bored, I could never feel content when relaxing, even if we were out for the day doing something 'nice' I felt discontented and a bit agitated. Whereas I don't get that when I'm with my kids, as I'm constantly dealing with something or someone and I get so much pleasure from watching them interact. The constant demands seem to keep the melancholic tendencies at bay!

My middle one is totally different and more chilled and baby so far is very content and happy, but who knows! I do love having a little gang, but I totally get why people stop at 1 or 2.

OP posts:
ZebraKid71 · 09/04/2023 15:37

We had 3 in 3.5 years, youngest now 2 and whilst I'd love another other baby I know i couldn't cope with another child (if that makes sense!) I find with the baby/toddler years with subsequent children they just fit into your life but once they are older with their own interests and activities the juggle gets harder (though admittedly other parts of it get easier).

Dh and I both work part time and it would be just about doable financially but we've decided not to go for number four as our little unit works so well right now and we have a good balance.

Good luck with your decision.

MargaretThursday · 09/04/2023 15:37

I wanted to have 4 but dh said only three because they fit in a normal car. I thought I'd try and persuade him after #3, but actually I felt done and so we stuck with 3.

I liked the idea of 4, but realistically we'd have been spread too thin for what we have, so I'm glad we didn't in the end.

One thing I have noticed is that everyone I know that came from a family of 5 or more, however much they say they loved being in a big family, have not had more than 2 dc themselves.

thefamous5 · 09/04/2023 15:47

And also, we have plenty of time to devote to the children. Husband works full time and I own my own business so work from home around the children. Definitely only average earners.

We live somewhere (literally on the beach front) that means our children have amazing lifestyles, that don't cost us a fortune. We spend so much time there, with picnics.

They go to various clubs and things but they are run by our local council and are free - next week they are learning to surf.
Last week they were in the woods building dens and camp fires.

They have what they need materially. I doubt my boys, the way they are at the moment, will go to university. They are above expected levels for their age at school but don't want to go into careers that require a degree. If they did, they would take out the available loans etc - even with one child I wouldn't be paying for uni (I went, my parents didn't pay).

In terms of the time we have with them - we regularly take them out for hot choc, ice cream etc one on one. They have staggered bed times so the youngest gets stories (and breastfed to sleep, we co sleep still), and the eldest get to sit up and chat and watch tv with us etc. we make sure at least one day of each weekend we go out as a whole family.

The boys all get on well, with the usual bickering of brothers and they adore their sister. They've never been asked to 'parent' her - maybe to watch her while we went to the loo when she was little but that's it.

The only downside is that the boys have to share a bedroom (triple bunk). Its a big bedroom and when they're older,
Assuming we are still in the same house, we will work something out. We rent, we would never have been able to have bought whether one or ten chilldren. My two brothers had to share a room until
Early twenties (when I moved out) and managed
(And yes, they are fine with it still!£

Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 15:49

But anyone who chooses to have 4 has made that choice. So you would expect them to cope.

Someo · 09/04/2023 15:51

Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 15:49

But anyone who chooses to have 4 has made that choice. So you would expect them to cope.

Not necessarily. I think everyone has days that are harder than others and a good moan can help.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 15:58

Someo · 09/04/2023 15:51

Not necessarily. I think everyone has days that are harder than others and a good moan can help.

Show quote history

I wonder if all the people saying that no-one who chooses to have 4+ kids should ever moan about it ever moan about the job they chose, the partner they chose, the smaller number of children they chose, the house they chose etc etc…

Occasionally being frustrated and having a moan is just life

NewNovember · 09/04/2023 16:15

Many 2 child families get little attention because they are in childcare from babies through to the end of primary then left alone afterschool at high school. Compare that to a 4 child parent with sahm mum especially if they home Ed they will get more attention in their childhood. It's not really the number of children you have it's how much time you choose to spend with them.

Mendholeai · 09/04/2023 16:20

For those saying that we need smaller families etc- the birth rate is dropping snd being child free is an increasingly popular choice. Trad norms such as marriage and kids are in decline. So I think the few families having more kids are not the biggest issue.

thefamous5 · 09/04/2023 16:21

NewNovember · 09/04/2023 16:15

Many 2 child families get little attention because they are in childcare from babies through to the end of primary then left alone afterschool at high school. Compare that to a 4 child parent with sahm mum especially if they home Ed they will get more attention in their childhood. It's not really the number of children you have it's how much time you choose to spend with them.

Exactly this.

I have been at home with all of my children since birth. They didn't go to childcare at all. We live 150 miles away from family so no sleepovers or family babysitting. It's literally been my husband and I and our kids - so they get all our attention .

washinwashoutrepeat · 09/04/2023 18:36

NewNovember · 09/04/2023 16:15

Many 2 child families get little attention because they are in childcare from babies through to the end of primary then left alone afterschool at high school. Compare that to a 4 child parent with sahm mum especially if they home Ed they will get more attention in their childhood. It's not really the number of children you have it's how much time you choose to spend with them.

Exactly. I worked full time until DC3 was born and then I ran my own business from home (around the kids) until DC4 was of school age, and then I returned to work full time (I am a 6-12 montessori teacher). Last year I had 3 of my DC in my class! This year I have two in my class.

We don't live in the UK so no family around although by DP's come to visit a couple of times a year.

Quite frankly, I enjoy my kids company. They are nice people. As PP said, we rent and the 3 boys share a room, but they have everything that they need and I don't feel that they are missing anything. They don't need to parent each other, I like my kids to be autonomous so they all chip in to the running of the home and I have the luxury of being able to be present (and not in an office job).

They have music lessons, swimming lessons (we live very close to a lake), we camp a lot, walk in the mountains, visit the UK when we can, and we have a nice, happy life.

It works for us!

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