To think anyone with 4+ kids must be run ragged

[Peppadog]

How does anyone manage with 4 kids and still feel like they are coping and enjoying life? I'm asking this partly because we have 3 and are considering a 4th. Every Mumsnet thread I've googled seems generally to warn people off, says the children miss out, parents spread too thin etc.
Does anyone have 4 and really love it and think they still get enough time with each child?
This is a bit of a cheek AIBU but there is never much traffic on large families!

Partly one of the reasons I've only got one!

I have a large family and it’s certainly easier now they are teens- I even get free time!

It’s all about expectations, routine, and energy levels.

Expect to have little time to yourself. Expect it to be full on and demanding for a few years.

Set a routine around cleaning, washing, cooking and clubs.

Try to keep your energy levels high and to exercise.

Look into stress management.

One unexpected bonus us that I am now extremely hard working at work, which has brought me some good luck. I am so used to working sunrise to sunset and juggling multiple things, that I don’t even notice now.

It was definitely worth the hard work.

@Peppadog , not saying I recommend it, but a friend of a friend had 6 children, all of whom did various after school activities - while she sat serenely at home with a glass of wine and her various friends with a mere 1 or 2 dcs ferried hers back and forth in the rush hour.
(She ‘didn’t’ drive. I don’t know why it’s always I ‘don’t’ and not ‘I can’t)

As my friend (1 dc, one of the unpaid taxi drivers said) ‘She’s the clever one - we’re the mugs.’

No. Think about when they are teenagers. How expensive that is. You can't help them financially when there's that many. Driving lessons and cars etc you aren't just having a baby you are having an adult aswell

Honestly everyone I know with 4 kids is massively wealthy so schooling, holidays and anything else isn't an issue. I can imagine on a budget it must be really tough.

Anyone looking at going abroad, look at the Netherlands. Ferry + amazing holiday parks (Duinrell, Beekse Bergen and others) for less than a week in CP in the UK.

We have 4, including twins (youngest).

It has been hard work at times I guess, but we just kind of got on with it. Had grandparents around which helped take some of the burden off.

The teen years have been the most challenging so far because they take it in turns to have massive dramas on a daily basis.

Drama aside though, they get on well and really look out for each other and we have a really nice family dynamic.

The only huge downside is holidays if I’m honest - having to have 2+ hotel rooms, a bigger 6 seater car, it all adds to the cost. We had to switch to villa holidays when our eldest got to around 11, which limited us a little.

Surely you can comprehend that some women don’t have a supportive lovely husband who pulls his weight? I have 4 as a single parent, their dad does the bare minimum, I’ve got no family around me and a demanding job. Of course it’s stressful. It doesn’t take much imagination to consider that not everyone with the sane number of kids as you is in your blissful situation.

@Disneyblueeyes despite you making a conscious choice to do something, it's ok to moan and complain about it at times.

Are you saying that you've never once moaned about something despite you having made a conscious choice? Surely not. I disagree with your mindset. Be kind and understanding to those around you, despite them making a choice that can be difficult to manage.

I heard people moan how difficult they find it with one child, would you really throw into their face: well it was your choice? Kindness and understanding should always be the first point of call.

I have more than 4 children and I’m definitely not ‘run ragged’. I work part time during some evenings and my husband works FT from home. I do the school runs which I enjoy. They get the choice of ASC if they want and also they have all had the opportunity of a specific activity which 2 are still doing weekly. We enjoy UK holidays 2 to 3 times a year, have 2 cars and live in a 4/5 bed house. They get lots of attention as I am home throughout the holidays and also as husband WFH is also near by too. It’s really not as bad as people who don’t know, will make out.

I have four and managed day to day stuff fine even as a single parent. The hard bit for me was not having the finances to take them on holiday or days out together. Now they are older - two are adults - the hardest bit is having to still do the school stuff. I am completely done with it all but have to still be interested for my youngest so she does well.

I have 5, though a largeish gap between numbers 2 and 3. Honestly I’ve been happy. We have fun, we do lots and as they get older it’s wonderful. Once you have 4+ you start to connect with and meet the other big families

I'm in a slightly different position as I have 2 older in their mid-late teens and 2 that are 2 and under. In some ways its easier as the older ones are independent, 1 of which will be going off to uni, so they are usually off doing their own thing but they are also still in the mid of the normal teenage angst and as teens do, don't help around the house and do the whole "I hate you" over every request to put dishes in the sink or tidy your room 🙄 of course the little ones are entirely dependent. For me I think part of the reason I find it hard some times is because I'm much older and lack the energy I had when the older ones and having a new born and toddler is hard to juggle but equally the fun makes me feel younger again and I also feel I appreciate the moments and watching them developed and learn more.

I think it just depends on you, your circumstances and if you feel that you'll be able to manage 😊

Having a moan every now and again is something everyone does. No matter the number of kids you have - the fact you chose your job/car/house/hobby doesn’t stop folks moaning about them. Kids is no different.

Hi @Peppadog we have 4 and no I'm not run ragged.

It's busy yes of course but that's life.

Ours are at 3 different schools, older ones get themselves to school and back.

Sole income here so definitely on a budget (I'm a SAHM) DH not on a massive salary.

Organisation is key. The laundry is a full time job in itself 😂

Holiday wise we don't tend to go on holiday unless it's to visit family. We need 2 hotel rooms so it gets expensive or we rent a house.

Car is a 7 seater. Bought outright and we drive them until they break we aren't fussed about latest models.

Clubs wise we encourage things in school so straight after school. They do one evening thing a week eg scouts.

House is a 3 bed but large but we are hoping to turn it into a 4 bed by dividing a room.

Any questions ask away!

Yes we ski every year and have a good summer holiday . And lots of weekends over there in the UK too !
We have a very high income I suppose but spend it all . Have good pensions , mortgage just finished and kids have been given house deposits by grandparents.
I’m a primary teacher and us older ones are very well paid . Plus I am home all the time the kids are off so that makes a difference .
We are not wealthy but have good incomes and spend it all on kids - fab holidays , music , sport etc .
I know we are very lucky and just am grateful for every day .

It has been so lovely to hear so many positive experiences of large families. It is so different to what I keep reading and hearing about all the negatives of kids not getting enough time or money etc.
Some of your lives sound positively idyllic! I think my parents would be a bit shocked if we decided to have a fourth. We don't get a lot of help from them as we live a fair distance away but we see them every week, and during school holidays we often descend on them for a week or two which they love. I worry about how that might work if there was yet another child in the mix though as at the moment one of them is a baby so isn't demanding, so it's only really two children to play with and occupy and make demands!

How do you find days out? Is there often arguments about where to go, and older ones getting stroppy and not wanting to go etc?
I'm aware we will have a spread of ages, it's easy at the moment as parks keep everyone happy.

I do worry about the logistics if they all decide to do a competitive sport. My sibling and I both did a competitive sport and it involved three nights a week training and tournaments/matches at weekends. I'd hate for them to miss out. I'd hope that by the time the youngest was doing a serious sport the eldest would have outgrown it so the chances of all 4 or even 3 needing to be ferried around would be unlikely, but who knows.

It's magical, knackering, hysterically funny, loud, challenging, tiring at times, moving, makes you feel so proud to see them all together, a ready-made gang, so much love, and drama, and in-jokes and shared memories, moments of feeling alive in ways you never dreamed of before, never, ever boring....and did i mention noisy ???
I have 4 teens, and would have loved more -ours are each 2 years apart-definitely keep me young at heart!!!!
👦👦💇👱

I have 4 and I wouldn't recommend it to anybody 😂 hell on earth
I'm so stretched between each child.
When number 4 came along, I realised how much easier it was with just 3.
The older 3 play together and leave the toddler out (she's only 1) but no I wouldn't do it

Our son was a competitive gymnast. He was all Ireland champion in artistic gymnastics a number of years in a row. Competed abroad , trained every day except Christmas Day, training camps abroad etc . We managed but it was demanding. My husband did most of it really.

They are all involved in sport though, some in two sports with training ,matches etc . It's all doable. They all do at least one instrument .

Regarding days out we never had rows . If they were getting a day they were grateful and we wouldn't have tolerated any crap from them .

We just never know when any of the people we love may be snatched away from us and life can be forever altered . So we try to live life to the max . However , I should save more .......or not have a credit card bill.......😀.

OP if you would love another , you will manage it .

Also we had NO family help, absolutely nothing . And don't be deluded , the younger years are HARD !!! But the teens are wonderful.

My first four are the exact same age gaps as you say yours would be if you had a fourth and their activities rarely if ever conflict, fwiw. Occasionally we have to split up in the evenings or a Saturday morning and each take one of the older ones to their sport/hobby but that’s actually pretty rare.

I asked my 18 and 17DCs about this threadDo they feel they’ve missed out bring one of four? They both said no. But our circumstances were that we went to Centerparcs when they were little and they still talk about living those holidays, we didn’t go abroad until the youngest one was five. We live in a cheap area of the country house prices cheap, we were able to afford an extension so all own bedrooms. They have more than a lot of their friends around them so they don’t see it as being a negative and a lot of their friends come from families of 3 and 4. They also said they loved having me at home when they were in primary school although I felt they did struggle the year I went back to uni back they adapted and I felt it was good for them to see their Mum not just being a Mum anymore.

but I appreciate times have moved on and it’s very hard now holidays definitely are more expensive we always had to have 2 hotel rooms, an adult in one room and two DC, or get adventurous with a family room or lodge. You always need to drive a people carrier. Eating out now os pricey with four teens. I seem to be constantly buying shoes and clothes too

I have four. They are 14, 16, 16 and 17. My back to school bill will be easily 3k. I'm a single parent, earn good money but financially it can be a struggle. I had 3 under two and that was much easier. I would think of them as adults rather than babies.

God how do you keep up the momentum? I only have 2 and was struggling at the end of year 6 soooo over primary was great to move on would have done my head in having years more of that! I guess you must just really really love parenting.

I can barely manage 2 😂

If you’ve never been we found Billund in Denmark awesome value going as a bigger family (with my parents in school summer holidays in our case).

A 3 bed lodge for the 6 of us with passes to have unlimited use of the activities at lalandia was about £1500.

We went with KLM using airmiles but flights with Ryanair including 40kg luggage to share and a handbag or small rucksack each in the plane was £600 for same dates when I checked today.

Added to that we got legoland season passes (£65/person) and spent a fab week going to legoland each morning with a picnic & using the pool/other facilities in lalandia in the afternoons & evenings. We mainly ate in but had a meal at the Lego house one day and went to a grill place another. We didn’t spend massively more than a typical week at home between shopping and the meals out.

There will be many similar places in mainland Europe that aren’t horrifically expensive. It’s more hotels and AI in the sun type of holidays that are drastically more with extra kids