To think anyone with 4+ kids must be run ragged

[Peppadog]

How does anyone manage with 4 kids and still feel like they are coping and enjoying life? I'm asking this partly because we have 3 and are considering a 4th. Every Mumsnet thread I've googled seems generally to warn people off, says the children miss out, parents spread too thin etc.
Does anyone have 4 and really love it and think they still get enough time with each child?
This is a bit of a cheek AIBU but there is never much traffic on large families!

I’m just in awe reading these. I only have one at the minute and due my second any day now and I feel an overwhelming urge to never ever be pregnant again. I’m exhausted and yet I always imagined/wanted four kids. Now my brain does a manic cackle if I even entertain such thoughts but maybe once baby is here and enough time has passed you forget and go for the third/fourth/fifth.

@Nosleepforthismum I felt the same after one. I couldn't imagine how anyone could cope with more than one. Didn't help that my first was a really difficult baby. My second was easier and my third who is 8 months old is just a dream. He just smiles all day long, I feel a desperate need to do it all over again just one more time. I think if the hardest baby had been the third I wouldn't be considering a fourth!

I’ve got two and I’m absolutely shattered in the thick of the small child years, im completely done and don’t want anymore. My sibling however has 6 children and is doing just fine. Quite big gaps between them but they love it. 6 children is my idea of hell but it’s all individual preference.

We have 6. 3 Uni age. 1 high school. 2 primary school. Youngest is severely disabled and has a life limiting health condition. It impacts us all a lot.

When we had 5 I loved it. However, we’re very fortunate. We’re comfortable financially. I worked term time then became a SAHP. DH has a job where he works full on for a few weeks and then has a few weeks off so we have a lot of family time. We have a lot of amazing family support.

This weekend, for example, 4 of mine are away with various grandparents and family members.

It’s not something I’d recommend if you don’t have the support around you. And by that I don’t mean people just willing to babysit every now and again. DH’s family are a proper “takes a village” family. I’m taking one of mine and my niece out on Sunday. I’m very lucky. They’re them only reason I’ve actually been able to cope with the situation with our youngest, it would be impossible otherwise.

Beware @Peppadog - my fourth was a HORRIFIC sleeper ..I don't think we slept through until he was 4...🤯. He would have been an only if we'd had him first 🤣

I know! All naturally conceived and healthy. I was 39, 40, 43 and 46 when they were born. We're unbelievably blessed

I have 4dc. It’s glorious chaos! The early days are a blur but they’re aged 10-18 now so life’s good. 1-1 time is not their priority so much anymore, but they do come walk the dogs with me when they fancy a chat. I was a sahm for several years in the early days, but now work 4 days a week. (The 5th is my housework day and by god I need that day 😂)

But I was one of four children and my parents basically adopted a fifth (not legally speaking but they took in my brothers friend and he’s still family to us all). I was unquestionably loved and happy as a child and have always felt blessed to have lots of siblings. We didn’t have much money when I was a young child (but that was due to one of my parents becoming unexpectedly unwell and being unable to work for many years whilst recovering). I have no doubts that it was incredibly hard for my parents to raise 4 children in these circumstances, but we most certainly never suffered because we were a big family, in fact we had each other for support and that was invaluable to us all as kids.

@Panicmode1

I appreciate your perspective and I am sure that there are many parents who capably raise large families.

We all contribute to threads like this through the lens of our own experiences.

I also know "small" families where parenting has been woefully absent.

The experiences of my wider family (and experiences is what the OP asked for) is that being part of a larger family is more about the perceived benefits for the parents than the children.

All my in-laws from families ranging from 4-8 children have smaller families themselves as a direct negative consequence of their own childhood experiences.

Catholic family here too, we had many more aunts, uncles and cousins than that, it was very normal for us. But exposure to that also showed me that I personally do not have the capacity for that number of children.

Mine are the opposite - my seven month old has spent more time asleep in his cot than the other three put together!

We have 4, aged 4,6,8 and 10

To be honest it depends on the day! There are days when I live it and I think how lucky we are and I love them all so.much.

And there are days when I ofcourse I love them so much but its difficult and hard and lots of things to organise. The hardest job in my house is the washing! It's never ending! And activities and clubs. But it's not forever and they are good kids. They have their moments but on the whole we are happy and content

@BreadInCaptivity I find this point of view very difficult to understand. Why would being an only child be better for a child than being part of a large family?
My DH is one of four, he and his siblings are in a WhatsApp chat and message almost daily. They are a huge support to one another especially now he has lost a parent and the other parent is ageing. He has over 50 first cousins, he is surrounded by loving family.
I completely get the arguments around lack of time and lack of resources etc, and how hard it can be to manage, but I definitely dont think it's selfish, many children see their siblings as a blessing!

Have another child because you want another child and have the capacity to give that child what it needs, not because you want to give your existing children X number of siblings. Good sibling relationships are to a large extent a matter of luck, you can’t guarantee that any of them will see having each other as a blessing, or that any one will support another. Have a child for its own sake.

@Tinybrother I completely agree. It was more in response to a PP that said it's not in the best interests of the children.
I think it's very difficult to predict what the best interests of the children are and whether they will like their siblings or wish they were an only child. It is interesting to hear all points or view, everyone has very valid points.

Sorry for so many typos this evening. *Points OF view

@Squamata
But if you have 4 it could be 3 against 1 which has been my experience many times and it's horrible.

I can only take my siblings in small doses, they're great on many levels but if we spend too much time together it's not good for my self esteem.

My MIL had 4 as basically a single parent, but with big age gaps (by the time the youngest was born the oldest was nearly an adult). She said it was very hard but worth it and even now years later she misses the laughter and hustle and bustle of a busy house. She used to have quite rigid bedtime routines with them which was needed.
However my partner said they could never afford to go on holiday and sometimes were very poor. They are seem happy and turned out fine, and they are still reasonably close.

One of the bosses at work had 4 by the time he was 35. Lovely kids, both parents chilled out, great team.
I do know however know that both sets of their grandparents are fantastic and will regularly pick all up from school/childcare and take them for a sleepover.

There's also some lovely 4 child families at DDs school. Nice kids and lovely friendly well turned out mums. I genuinely don't know how they do it.
Like most issues around kids its a matter of personalities, what you feel you can cope with and support.

Oh I love having 4. They are quit spaced out in age so I guess that helps. Only the youngest 3 come on days out now which also helps. Apart from.the mental load I don't find it harder than 3. 2>3 was hard. 4 plus is just crowd control and you might as well have 6! The real issue I didn't barging for is SEN and battling education. If they was all NT maybe I would be sweating the small stuff. I only get stressed about education. Only two do clubs at the same ages. It's all good here

I have 4, between 14 and 21, I honestly loved it, yes it was busy and a lot of fun.

We have 4 DC and it's wonderful, I don't understand why you would run ragged?

Mine all help out, housework is teamwork, as a feminist, why would I take on the bulk of household chores?

I think the key is to have a kind, thoughtful supportive, hands on husband and enough space for every one, and an optimistic outlook on life as you are doing to be role models for a number of new little humans so it's a good idea to have good, healthy lifestyle choices. So healthy eating, fitness and helpfulness and kindness to each other are paramount.

Getting DC to put their laundry, toys, etc away, as soon as they are able, being able to make themselves a bite to eat when older, helps them not to be selfish or entitled and means not everyone is relying on one person to do it all.

So, teaching basic social skills and independent life skills is very important.

I don't have any sen DC so have not found it hard.

“I don't understand why you would run ragged?”

because everyone is different. Not better or worse than each other, just different. You have the capacity to be the mother you want to be to four children, I don’t, I would be a shell of a woman with more children than I now have. Not because I don’t have a husband who is an equal partner (I do) supportive family (I do), I’m very lucky, but because I simply don’t have the personal capacity to care for more children.

@GrandIllusion it sounds blissful when you put it like that.
Can I ask are they close in age?

I have 3 but I'm one of 4. I don't feel like I missed out. My parents were always able to afford for us to do activities, go on holiday. Mum was at home throughout most of my childhood as Dad worked really long hours (his own business).
Quite big age gaps so I think that helped as all of us feel we got quality time with our mum.
I was talking to my mum about this recently and she said she'd really have liked another one but dad didn't. I know she used to get tired but always said school holidays were her favourite time of year (mine too when the kids were younger and I was a SAHM).

We have two. Mostly I think that’s great but sometimes I’d love another one or two. They have been such fun at all ages most of the time. It’s busy and can get stressful but the kids are awesome. I thought I might possibly be pregnant last month as my period was late and I’ve realised I’m actually a bit disappointed that wasn’t the case. If I were younger I’d be trying again but I’m early 40’s and I worry about how old I’d be by time they were adults and about risk of issues.