To think anyone with 4+ kids must be run ragged

[Peppadog]

How does anyone manage with 4 kids and still feel like they are coping and enjoying life? I'm asking this partly because we have 3 and are considering a 4th. Every Mumsnet thread I've googled seems generally to warn people off, says the children miss out, parents spread too thin etc.
Does anyone have 4 and really love it and think they still get enough time with each child?
This is a bit of a cheek AIBU but there is never much traffic on large families!

I was run ragged! It certainly wasn't a doddle, but we managed fine.

I would say that I had absolutely no time for myself until the youngest was around 3, so no gym, very rare nights out and I don't think I read a book for about four years, but I don't regret it at all. They're all grown up now and I miss them.

We have 6.
Only 4 at home now. I love it when we are all together. The kids all get along well barring the odd sibling squabble. I am often tired at the end of the week (also a primary teacher.)
Our youngest is 9 so no tinies anymore and often it's only two of them needing to come with me places these days.
We always made an effort for each child to have regular 1:1 time with me or dh as he was part of a large family and always craved it but never had it with his parents.
He also had to help with the little ones - something else we have never asked our older ones to do.
We haven't always had much money but I chose to be a sahm when they were small ( started teaching when youngest started school) and it was the best decision for our family.
I don't feel like an organised person but other people often comment that I am so maybe I am.
I could lose a little weight but am a size 12/14 so not too bad. I'm in my early forties and we won't have any more but I'm often still broody!

It depends on the parents capacity really. Some people will breeze through 4, particularly with lots of money behind them, a supportive husband and family etc. I was done at 3 on every level. Physically, emotionally and financially.

We have 4 - the primary years with after school activity juggling was tricky, but they are now 12-19 and mostly take themselves off to friends/clubs etc. It helps that we are walking distance to their schools. Eldest is now at uni, second child is going in Sept and I'm sad at having to adjust to being a 'normal' sized family then!

They get increasingly expensive - back to school shoe shopping was eye-wateringly expensive, 4x phone contracts, driving lessons, uni fees/support - but I wouldn't have it any other way. They swear they love being part of a big family and haven't missed out - but I will ask them in 20 years time!

At 3 you gave already presumably debated why your gene pool is superior and need protection

why would that be different for a 4th?

Oh, and in terms.of being run ragged - I just make sure I'm organised and have a big family calendar. When they were tiny (and I had 4 under 7 for a short while), DH travelled abroad a lot for work and I found that tough, but I ended up becoming a SAHM after #4. I went back once they were all in school and now do 2, completely different jobs, so need to be on top of my life and work admin! DH is very helpful and does a huge amount of practical stuff, but the eg dentist appts etc do tend to fall to me!

Not a parent of 4 (yet!) but I'm the eldest of four daughters, who are all within 6 years of each other. I don't remember life being particularly chaotic but my mum was SAHP until I was about 10. We used to spend hours entertaining ourselves, playing and fighting...

I think I missed out on having alone time with my parents. I don't have a super close relationship with my mum (e.g. wouldn't talk about private stuff) but I see her every week and she's great with my DC. At the time, I never felt disadvantaged but can look back now and see financial sacrifices (e.g. always UK holidays, waiting for Xmas for new clothes, wearing a giant school blazer in Year 7, etc.).

Yes I have 4 and it’s hell but I’m a lone parent so I raise them alone, people try to tell me one is harder though 🤦‍♀️

Oh also no one will look after them as it’s “too many” so never any time off

We have 5 ages 12. 9, 7, 2 and 3 months. We planned 4, no 5 was a surprise but I love the dynamic between them all and am so glad our 3 month old came along. Life is chaotic and very busy and we spend a huge amount on food, extra curriculars and general kid needs, but we have a decent income and have chosen big family life over luxuries like expensive cars and private education.
I am the eldest of 5 children myself - loved my childhood and remain close to my siblings as adults. I love the family banter and big family meals and always something going on. Ours was the house that all our friends wanted to hang out at, and I hope to recreate that for my children when the time comes.

We have four less than 6 years between them currently they are 18, 17, 14 and 12. We have no family help and I didn’t work for 11 years, I did go back to uni and retrained and now work full time in a job I love.

My DH is amazing and does more than his fair share I couldn’t have four children with a partner who didn’t. He WFH now so does a lot of the school runs/dinners etc. He also is on a very good salary which combined with me working full time now means we are comfortable which is great now you have 4 teenagers to clothe and feed during a cost of living crisis, also meant practically we could build an extension years ago and give them all their own bedroom. They have had great holidays abroad so they should never say they’ve felt left out for being one of four.

when they were younger it definitely helped that I didn’t work as it would have been too stressful doing all the nursery/school runs plus all the clubs without having a parent in the home plus the holidays would have been a pain. If they were unwell or had appointments I covered them too. I didn’t find it particularly stressful probably because of this, all were good sleepers as babies, none had special needs or any medical conditions they were “easy” children. Washing is relentless though 😀

My in-laws both came from larger families.

They both say it's a reason why my DH is an only child.

This will not go down well but frankly I think a lot of parents who advocate the benefits of larger families are delusional about the impact to their children.

I'm sure that there are wealthy parents who can compensate for the lack of time they can contribute to each child through throwing money at the issue.

I'm also sure that there are average earning parents thinking they are doing a great job of parenting 4 children or more but like my in-laws will find their children's perception was very different.

I honestly question why people need so many children. Fundamentally it's a decision based on their desires and not the best interests of the children.

@BuckinghamPalaceFountain it isn't different for a fourth, it's just the practicalities we are debating now.

I have 4 and I do not recommend it unless you're extremely wealthy and have a supportive, hands on family. It's really, really hard in my experience.

3 is more than enough, especially if one is a little neurospicy.

I have four but I’m from a very unusually large family (I won’t say how many, it’s so many it’s outing). I have age gaps of two years.

I found the baby and toddler years very difficult and I didn’t feel like I had a moment to myself. Granted, I did sit down a lot 😅 because I fed them all till they were 2-ish but I had no personal space.

As they’ve got older it’s still tricky sometimes but in a different way. Three of them play sport to a high level so extra curriculars are difficult to fit in but we always manage somehow.

I work three days and honestly I couldn’t manage more time at work. The other two days are spent washing, cleaning the house and doing things like buying clothes, presents and getting other shit done. I never sit down for more than about half an hour in the daytime. I also run a school group and my husband is involved in sports coaching and thankfully is self-employed. He works 40 hours a week but can be
a bit flexible.

You just have to be very organised, have a good calendar with absolutely everything on it and keep on top of the washing.

It’s also got much more expensive as they’ve got older and foreign holidays often cost nearly double because we need two family rooms (so we’ve never been abroad). It’s worth every second though. Wouldn’t have it any other way. They’re always on at me to have another but I’m too old now!

One is enough for me. Growing up I was 1 of 4 and hated it.

Oh also no one will look after them as it’s “too many” so never any time off
We lost childcare once because the crèche lost use of their minibus and only had a minivan and said they could only take two😅

I am 1 of 5 and had a great childhood, never felt I missed out on quality time with either parent (who both worked full time) and I am close to all of my siblings.
I have 4 and I always joke that it's '2 too many'. Life is busy - physically and mentally but it's not the kids who suffer - it's the parents that are run ragged! Again, all my kids are close and have great relationships. Yes, they won't get as much one on one time with me as an only child would, but they get so much out of their relationships with their siblings.
I found the jump from 3 to 4 incredibly difficult (ds was nearly 2 when 4th born), but I of course wouldn't send any back!

I grew up in an area where 4-5 children was a normal family size. I’m one of four and it was great—we had regular holidays, my parents were very involved and caring, and we had a nice big house. I never felt lost in the shuffle.

We have 3 and it’s really nice—not too taxing financially or physically/emotionally. I think 4 would start to be a financial stretch for things like holidays/schooling/extracurriculars, and in terms of attention and energy, I think 5 is where I’d start to feel it was all too much. It is so individual though and massively depends on things like personal energy levels, housing and financial situation, whether you do a lot of air travel or expensive holidays like skiing, etc. For us, the biggest shock of moving from 2 to 3 children was the fact that we now have to get two hotel rooms on holiday, which usually doubles the price.

How do you all cope with after school activities? My eldest currently does things three nights a week. So far the other two are too young but surely this changes and becomes difficult?
Swimming used to be a NIGHTMARE with 4. We don’t do many activities tbh, and I’m in awe of people who do, a mixture of cost and them deciding- each left football when it got to the competitive stage, 2 did drama for a short amount of time but agreed with each other it had too much singing and dancing(!) I will say had we not had so many they possibly would have had more opportunities, we couldn’t afford swimming at the start and camps were usually one at a time/ same with big parties, and I sometimes regret that, but they play together daily and just have different experiences to other kids who get to do all the camps but then their parents say they did it so they wouldn’t be bored and the kids are rarely bored so it’s just different things for different families really

I have 4 and yes it's hard but I love it. Had my first at 34, 4th at 42 and my only "regret" is theres 5 years between 3 and 4 and that's too big a gap for me, the other 3 are all close together, I had 3 under 4! Had I been younger after number 4, I'd have probably gone for number 5 so they had a closer sibling

I have 4. Mines are 13 years 5 years 3 years and 11 weeks.
Parts are tricky but I'm lucky in that my teen is pretty independent.
I'm really chilled don't get me wrong I can end up shouting sometimes. OH is a huge help. His shifts are 4 on 4 off so he's around alot. We already had a 8 seater car. Very fortunate that pil own a caravan they let us use.

Already thinking about the possibility of a 5th in the future

I was one of two and had every material advantage growing up (boarding school, foreign holidays, ponies, pools, etc) but barely saw my parents or brother in term time (single sex schools) and my relationships with them suffered until I was older.

My children are happy, successful, outgoing, with strong friendship, sibling and parental relationships. We consciously spend time with each child individually and collectively. We are financially comfortable (but not in boarding school x4 territory) and I don't feel they are in any way 'suffering' from being in a big family.

Maybe it is what you are used to - as Catholics, large families are normal 😉. Christmas at my grandparents was insane (my father was one of 6 and all of his siblings had children - we were unusual only being 2). I have 20 first cousins on my father's side of the family...

I have 6 and it's very challenging to balance their needs. I don't recommend having a large family. The financial pressure, the emotional presence required, the time restraints. It's not for the faint hearted - and for 30-odd years, too.