To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

agree with pp; both are luxuries. Isn’t fair for one to have an expensive luxury and veto the other from the same

I think you are living beyond your means. I don’t think it’s fair that you get what you want, but your DH doesn’t.

I bloody love animals too. Not against the pony at all.

Couldn't he rent a porsche a few times a year to get his fix? Costs about 200-400 a day - much cheaper than buying one.

Yabu.

To be clear- it's not me insisting on the holidays. DH wants these. He would absolutely not be happy with a static caravan in Skegness

Well he's going to have to isn't he, if there's no money left then you can't imagine it into being and there's only so much debt you can into.

OP I do think YABU.
you have described how a horse is a lifestyle.. having a flashy car is a lifestyle too 🙈.

Jokes aside, both are luxury items due to cost.
I wouldn’t even dream to have a pony so yes, in my mind it equates to luxury.

Also.. if £1000 is all of the disposable income how unreasonable is it that you get a whole £500 ish to yourself and hubby can’t have anything for himself? Why does he have to sacrifice everything on his end so you have a luxury that benefits you only? (As you haven’t mentioned the kids enjoy the pony either..). And his share has to go towards holidays, a bigger house etc,etc,etc.

I have a feeling though that DH suggested the pony hoping you’d suggest the car in return.

Also.. if all costs including finance, and INSURANCE come down to £500 in SE it’s either not a very expensive luxury car or very old.. and I wonder if maybe by having one of the commutes go and making other compromises elsewhere or working harder for either (or both) of you the car “could” happen?

IDK to me it sounds that since both luxuries cannot be afforded probably neither one should have a luxury..

But also.. for some reason, your posts come across very entitled against your DH. Like your luxury or hubby is more important than his because it’s a pony and not a car.

£500 for DIY livery is very expensive. We pay £110 per week for near-full livery (5 days per week it's full livery and on weekends you have to do your own mucking out). We're in North London.

What a condescending post! Why do people on this forum make posts saying lateral thinking or critical thinking as if people don’t know what this is. The OP’s DH deserves a treat? 😂. He’s already part paying £500 for ONE pony. Why should he hire a sports car? It’s like saying hire a horse on a loan a pony day FFS.

All of the people who think OP is being selfish, what do you suggest happens? She get rid of the pony?

This is the point I was trying to make on an earlier post. I’m in Scotland. £110 a week on my yard is turn out, bring in, muck out, unlimited hay, a wide variety of hard feed, at least 7 hours turn out in winter, 24 turn out in summer or bring in/muck out if owners prefer that. Separate winter fields from summer and if grazing is bad in winter big round bales in fields. Field checks are carried out twice a day. 2 bags of shavings a week, rubber matted stables and automatic water. Use of a floodlit arena outdoors and use of indoor arena, quiet hacking from the farm.

Part livery is £45 turn out bring in, fed in the morning, rug changes, 2 x field checks per day and extras are paid for ie hold for farrier/vet/dentist.

DIY £30 a week.

This.

He sounds shallow and all about flashing how much cash he has to other people. It's a bit sad to be honest.

And both of you seem ok with not having family holiday money or financial security for your kids, so long as you both get your expensive luxuries. Just a bit yuck really. There are other ways to improve your mental health.

I think that you're right that an expensive car sat on the drive is a status symbol. But I don't think that means it's pointless. It's symbolic to him, and ongoing reminder that he's managed a degree of success. A constant gold star. He may get pleasure from looking at it. From the envy he imagines others have. From increased status amoung his peers. From sitting in it, smelling the leather and listening to it purr when he takes it out for a short ride. He may enjoy driving it, sports cars can be a lot of fun to take along windy roads or clear motorways, or from time to time he may take it to a track and really let himself go.

Does it matter?

Are you asking because you want to understand your DH better? Or are you asking because you want to be able to think he's being selfish if he spends that kind of money on himself, but you aren't?

Well I keep two youngsters (under 3) on my own land and they cost around £500 a month. Feed and forage is hugely expensive now. You pay for a bag of feed which 5 years ago you would have paid for a balancer.

So you can come up with ways to justify you getting what you want but he can do the same and that is not enough for you?

He can get the car

There’s something pathetic about men in sports cars, especially if they are past,say, 35. My OH who happily drives the oldest crappiest Toyota in central London, every time he sees idiots in sports cars tearing up the street, always sighs and says “small penis.” I agree, they have to be compensating for something.

Horses are hellishly expensive, especially these days when advanced vetenary care now makes it possible to keep a rickety old horse (too old to be ridden) propped up for years on end. The horse owners I know are all stuck with these old horses who can’t actually do very much any more, but they are too attached to get rid of them. Even euthanizing them and disposing of the body apparently costs a fortune. Oh, and the cost of feed is getting higher and higher due to geopolitics.

I have seen “my mental health” being used as a reason for owning horses on here, and I do think this is a bit self-indulgent; there are surely cheaper ways of doing this, like having a weekly riding lesson, volunteering at a stable or Riding for the Disabled and so on. 500 quid a month is an awful lot for a personal treat once you have got kids.

I think PP’s poster’s suggestion of reducing horse costs as much as possible (or selling the horse and just having riding lessons etc?), and looking into a second hand car, so you are both spending less on your hobbies is probably the best idea.

I know DH encouraged you to buy the horse, but it sounds like you are the horsy one, not him. Did he really really grasp how expensive horses are, especially if they live for years and emotional attachment forbids euthanizing until it becomes unavoidable? I think a lot of people with no daily contact with horses have little idea about all the costs and how they add up.

She could start by not pretending she has no designs on or feelings of entitlement to his bonus. Telling him she considers it his and he can do what he wants with it but secretly thinking he is horrible if he does what she tells him is fine. This is her attempting to seem generous and selfless when she isn't.

I don't agree that a work bonus is less family money than the reliable part of employment compensation. But I wouldn't tell my DH he could do what he wanted with it while thinking he should spend it on me.

Another thing OP could consider is that his supposedly shallow focus on status may be one of the reasons he earns more,m and that she could perhaps consider being motivated to earn more by a desire for her pony or family holidays.

I think you compromised when buying the pony when could've invested more of your money on what you really wanted and DH should really compromise on the sports car as it doesn't have to be the 911 right now, they'd be cheaper sports cars which could be just as much fun to drive about and he could still enjoy the holidays he likes. I agree with PP that it does seem very much about how others will perceive him with wanting bigger house and flasher car rather than keeping within your budget.

Did DH pay off his debts himself or did you both end up sacrificing lifestyle back then to make it happen?

Ok. You must be reading things differently from me.

From OP:

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.
Both still family holiday age but not for too much longer.I sort of feel we need to take advantage of that for now and DH can absolutely have his sports car when they're older, even after they've moved out perhaps. I can't imagine having a Sports car is something with a deadline that can go off.

That one has surprised me because DH really wanted a new house too and said ours was too small for us all, he was ashamed of it at our stage in life. But if a Sports car is now higher priority to him than moving, it looks like we stay put and then we still have holidays and pony plus car.
I had depression at the time with periods of feeling suicidal. He knew I had been heavily involved with horses when younger - as in, 90% of every day spent around them, not just pony patting on the odd lesson. And he actually found me a horse without my knowing. It turned out he was right and it helped immensely, but no I did not at any point ask for it and I actually told him multiple times we shouldn't because of cost and time it takes up. I've always been incredibly careful not to spend more than necessary on pony ever since.

No, he wants to continue having holidays from bonus and find an additional 500 pm from our monthly income. Which we just don't have.

Ah thank you, you get it. Glad you're feeling better. No - he doesn't, and he acknowledges that completely. He just really really really wants it, and if we had the spare £ of course that would be wonderful for him to have it

To be clear- it's not me insisting on the holidays. DH wants these. He would absolutely not be happy with a static caravan in Skegness!

I already work ridiculously long hours a week so I'm definitely not freeloading!

@GeneHuntsCowboyBoots You’re right. I take that back, it’s unfounded.

Ohhh I was once horsey and I also love cars!

I think he should be allowed to fulfil his dream of getting the car he wants but I there should be a sit down serious discussion going over the finances and seeing together what the family will be sacrificing for it, or if you can save money elsewhere.

Horses and cars are different but at the same time, both will probably bring the same amount of joy to each of you which the other will not understand!

I don't think there's a single person who has suggested she get rid of the pony.

But they have said it would be worth her being a bit more sympathetic to her DH's position. He's spent years encouraging OP with her £500 a month hobby due to her mental health problems, but now there's a chance for him to have the equivalent, it's immediately shot down and he's told it's impossible.

Personal spending and hobby time should be as equal as possible in a marriage. OP has disproportionately benefited from both extra time and money so she can have her pony, so it's only fair that she does what she can to enable her DH to have similar.

I was in this almost exact situation a few years ago! DH loved classic cars and had 2, I had a pony.

We couldn’t move house or enjoy holidays because all of our spare money was tied up in hobbies. DH sold his cars and then got resentful about my pony (although never said it out loud!) because we still couldn’t afford to move or do nice things with the children. He would always roll his eyes whenever the pony needed something else- which they always do 😄My pony was also averaging about £500 by the time I had some lessons etc.

Long story short I did sell my pony (because of pregnancy not being compatible with a spicy baby horse not pressure from DH!) and we managed to move to a lovely much bigger house. Kids have hobbies and holidays but it’s at the compromise of me. I’m hoping one day I can afford another once everyone is at school and then I can enjoy it again.

I do think either both parties should be able to do what they want or neither or it will eventually cause some problems, even if it doesn’t show on the surface. I would be annoyed if DH spent £500 on himself and I couldn’t do the same.

Surely you understand that finance payments on a new car are debt in exactly the same way that a loan to buy a second hand car is debt?