To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

But I didn't buy pony out of status or privilege, it really was more of a "need" than a want

I was sympathetic towards you until this bit, OP. You have absolutely no idea how privileged you are. None. Despite multiple protestations to the contrary as the thread goes on.

Nobody "needs" a pony. People who haven't got piles of extra cash swilling around find different ways to look after their mental health.

And insisting that buying the pony was very cheap doesn't help your case either. From all the evidence on this thread, I don't think your definition of cheap is the same as most people's.

As I say, I was with you at the start of the thread. But your complete lack of reality has become clearer the more you post. I can't imagine the absolute privilege in having a £500 a month hobby, genuinely believing that you "need" it and then denying your husband a similar luxury.

You say the pony is being kept as cheaply as possible but I keep three and spend less. Could you look into cutting costs?

But I didn't buy pony out of status or privilege, it really was more of a "need" than a want.

No, no it wasn’t. Your animal was not a need.

Don't try and use your mental health as an excuse to justify this.

Nobody needs a pony for their MH , it may improve your MH but it’s not a necessity . I also disagree with the pp who claimed that you can’t be happy at riding schools etc after owning your own - you can and I say that as someone who has now owned continuously for over 40 yrs , you just need to find the right school .

Lol at a pony being a "need"!

Should the NHS perhaps start prescribing ponies to people with mental health problems? We might all have to pay more tax to facilitate this, but I'm sure we all agree that basic needs should be met.

OP, it's lovely that your pony helps you, but you are ridiculous to suggest that this was w need. You clearly have no idea how privileged you are.

It would likely improve my MH if we didn’t have our pony ! ( fortunately for her we keep everyone until they go to the great pasture in the sky ) .

Thank you @FloydPepper this is very helpful to know

I've covered this multiple times in this thread. I think area of the country has a massive amount to do with it, we are literally in the most expensive area we could possibly be for horse yards and I don't know anybody in my area doing it cheaper than me once all feed, bedding etc included. The only way to do it any cheaper would be to literally stick pony in a field with zero facilities but living out not an option (laminitis). DH's absolute deal breaker when we got pony was I needed to be somewhere that would do guaranteed holiday cover multiple times per year, so that basically means being on a serviced yard even if doing most things myself.

I think people fastening on the "need" aspect are taking this somewhat literally. Of course I understand I can live without a pony. It is not a need in the sense of oxygen, food, water.

I was trying to explain the difference between coveting a material object and having a significant wellbeing issue for having something. Which, as mentioned, my DH actually agrees with and has said himself. He really really wants a car. There are often times when I actually DON'T really really want pony. As other pony posters have posted - half joking but I know exactly what they mean! - there are plenty of days where it's pouring with rain, knee deep in mud, freezing and I have to go out at 5am to do pony when I'm actually feeling really low and just want to stay in bed. At that point do I really want a pony? Nooope. But guaranteed the going out and doing him makes me feel a million times better, I get up and carry on. Could going for a long walk do the same? Or having the family dog? Or going to a riding school? Perhaps. But it wasn't working at the point we got pony.

Re privilege, I'm not sure how you can tell someone they don't know how privileged they are. I know exactly how privileged I am. The extent to which I feel grateful for what I have does not come into this equation.

If we had the same amount spare, I would not hesitate for DH to have what he wants. But we don't. And if that was required, I shouldn't have got pony to start with. I should have seen where my MH took me without, or tried to find alternative pathways. But pony is here now and it would be much worse to give him up than to have never had him, and any sacrifices required to get the £ required for DH to have the same don't really impact me or I'd make them, they impact the children more.

I think those criticising you for prioritising you MH are being a bit unfair @LostCroissant. The therapeutic benefit of horses is quite well documented and £500per month is comparable to paying a for a therapist.

I'm unaware of any such therapeutic benefits of a fancy car.

@BeatriceFranklin

I suggested renting a sports car for a few weeks, simply because they can’t currently afford to buy one.

I’ve re-read my post and can sort of see why you objected to it (although I didnt really understand the bit about ‘lateral thinking’). I wrote it quickly and some parts are clumsy/badly expressed. To be clear, by ’treat’, I meant that the husband deserved appreciation and the right to spend money on a luxury item. I didn’t mean that the OP should patronise him and try to fob him off with a trinket.

Personally, I don’t believe either the OP or the husband are being unreasonable. I can understand that the horse helps the OP with her mental health; I can also understand that the husband wants his ‘dream car’. But, as they simply don’t have £500 extra per month, I was trying to give more practical advice to the OP to find a middle ground. I simply suggested that one option could be renting a sports car on holiday instead of buying one, while they continued to save up.

I'm curious as to how you would feel if your DH told you that he needed a pony for his own MH? At a cost of £500 PM.
Wouldn't that still mean you couldn't afford holidays and extras as a family?

Would you be happy for him to have his own pony if he felt he needed one for his MH?

That's interesting @MoMohairTortoise . If DH literally had some sort of breakdown and there was some particular hobby - let's just say a pony for ease but could be anything- that could make a huge difference, demonstrably, because it had been a major part of his life forever and he was much happier then, then I think we'd need to seriously try to find the money.

At that point we'd probably be having to spend hundreds a month on therapy / medications to keep him functioning, so the pony would be partially offset by that. But also, the severity of the situation would require looking at what we could sacrifice. In that situation, sacrificing family holidays, days out, maybe the kids' savings for a while etc and certainly the prospect of a house more suited to our growing family would be required. But essentially I think my DCs would prefer to have their father alive and fully functioning within the family than to have those things. Would they rather daddy got a Sports car than any of that? It's not entirely the same scenario, is it, as my DH is not having a mental breakdown as far as I know and I'm not sure lack of a Porsche is likely to push him to begin having one. (Lack of a pony definitely did not cause my MH issues. It just turned out to be a massive factor in relieving them).

Yessssssss!

That’s a useful argument but still just ends with the dh giving up his thing. Feels a bit selfish.

I’d be interested to know where the dh thinks the money will come from though, op what are his views on where?

He doesn't have any, just wants it to happen.

It would be 50/50, as without the pony they have £1000 a month left

I get you OP!

From my perspective - I genuinely wish that something cheaper worked. And I TRIED! I tried counselling (that was 60 e a session). I tried pills (all sorts of ssris, which helped short term but long term not so much and the side effects were awful). I tried exercise - which helped short term (felt better for a while, but suicidal ideation returned few hours later).

I tried lessons (once again - helped short term). But what I REALLY needed was the ability to GO to the horse when things were getting rough. The routine of caring for him. The bond I have with him. He CARRIES my demons. I have had him a year. I have been off anti Ds for six months.

I know my family is not as rich as we could be if I didn’t have this (though to be fair, the uptick in my MH has allowed me to take on more work and my pay has doubled). I KNOW my husband is a saint for covering the time I take w horse.

But! In my dark days…. Although I tried hard to hide it from my child…. Most days I struggled to get out of bed. Some days I couldn’t! Some days I planned my own death, googled how it felt to drown. And even darker! I TRIED to hide this… but the effort it took brought me deeper into the more of depression.

Nothing has the effect my horse has on me. That’s sad In a way! Maybe I ought to feel like that about my family. But I don’t. My pony carries me!

My husband would tell you forcefully I need him. Because he knows that even on a significant dose of SSRI, I was not well. And that not well had toxic consequents for our family.

YABVU.

The pony is a hobby.

A sports car is a hobby.

They both cost £500 a month.

You've had your £500 a month, now it's his turn....

So what should she do with pony? Just get rid?

GeneHuntsCowboyBoots

Did I suggest anywhere that she should get rid of the pony?

No.

I said he's entitled to the sports car because she's choosing to spend £500 a month on a pony.

It is wonderful that you’ve been able to get off anti depressants for six months. Carry on with your pony. Some things are important to our well being ❤️

So very similar to me. We are so fortunate to have our pony guardian angels. Love your description of carrying your demons, it's exactly right.

But that's the issue in a nutshell.

If I shouldn't sell pony.

And he's entitled to same as me (which I don't dispute he is)

& we haven't got 500 spare disposable income.

Where does it come from? The places to make sacrifices from mainly impact the whole family, not just me.

Is a dog a luxury item?

Yes. Mine costs me £400/500 a month, he’s old, has a special diet, a ton of medication and Librela. He also has allergies. I love him. Will I have another?
Yes. But I have the means to support them, no one is going short/feeling resentful.

I dread to think how much a horse costs as it ages, they don’t stay with you, they’re in a stable. I don’t really get it.