To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

@Bloopsie

and what’s up with that?

you can have hobbies and interests outside of your kids when you’re a parent you know!!

Just because you don't value what he wants doesn't really carry much weight. How much do you pay the livery when you go on your holidays, Insurance etc ?
He's wanted this since his teens for goodness sake. Stop paying into the trust fund for a bit and both start enjoying the money you've earned
You do sound like you want it all if I'm honest

You've been spoiled because of your background. But a pony is DEFINITELY a luxury item, however you choose to dress it up, in terms of benefits to you.

@LostCroissant

stop paying into the trust funds. No kid needs a trust fund. Stop paying into them and then there will be money for your husband to enjoy as well as you. It doesn’t matter whether you see it as worthy as notes, it’s for him not you.

I’m confused about why you think a payment plan isn’t debt?

OP I mean this kindly, because I too have MH struggles, but of course a horse is a luxury item. You asked earlier in the thread if other posters consider dogs to be luxury items as well. My own opinion is that yes they are. We own one dog and adore her, but she’s very much a want rather than a need. We wanted another but can’t currently afford to pay for a second dog so we are puppy raising our second pup (our ‘lodger’) for a service dog organisation.

Horses and sports cars are both luxury items and I find it puzzling that you don’t seem to agree with this. However I’m sending unmumsnetty hugs because MH struggles are bloody awful and I feel for you. I hope you can come to a compromise and get things sorted with an outcome that you and DH are both happy with.

I think you're missing the point here. I was saying you can't define how good something is for someone's wellbeing based on how it makes you feel. The season ticket was an example. I have a male friend who attends matches religiously then travels abroad for mini breaks regularly so probably spends similar. Doesn't seem good value to me. Neither does lipfiller and laminated eyebrows but if helps that person's wellbeing then it could be considered good value. So yes, I think a pony and a car are comparable.

How do you have any idea of my background?

Er...no kid needs a trust fund. Then where will the money for university and first cars etc come from? I don't think stopping saving for our children's futures is a sensible idea, and neither does my DH. This isn't a savings account for them to blow on whatever they like.

None of it sounds great as an option tbh

Where does your dh think it will come from?

Which thing is he willing to cut back on

Thank you for the hugs. I think people are misunderstanding, I haven't said I don't think a horse is a luxury. I do. And I've said multiple times I realise how lucky I am to have it. I just don't view the intensity of reasoning for having it in the same way as a material object.

And, as it happens, neither does my DH.

It's just a case of how we can both have the thing we want. The problem being that I already have mine, we don't currently have the funds for the other, and it wasn't a caveat to getting the first when we originally did or I wouldn't have to begin with.

Having had a pony .. wish still did.. i wd say the pony is central to your life.
now if the car is central to yr dh life ( what does it mean to him ? Is it like the pony to him) then he too should have an equal joy . Something has to give … ?we didnt have hols or a nice car when had a pony for eg … maybe its the holidays ? I know id rather have a pony rather than holidays ?? Wdnt u ?

I kind of agree with your 'take' on things but I don't necessarily think that's wrong. People are driven by different motivators. If he feels 'ashamed' by his 'shabby car/house' isn't that a valid emotion? Maybe that's affecting his self esteem and MH. If he said he wanted to take up pottery and buy a kiln or luge would that be more acceptable?
He made the decision to get the horse when OP was mentally ill. Maybe it was a fantastic idea and saved her life or maybe it was a poor choice as it wasn't sustainable.

I think OP should accept some responsibility for sorting this dilemma. It all sounds very entitled to me.

So, you get what you want/need.
Your children get what they want/need
But your husband can't have what he's wanted since he was 19 because you want to carry on as you are and not dig into your savings
Lovely..

@Bloopsie

As an ex (very)horsey person i agree, expensive hobby that takes time away from your children, sounds like the kids are not into horse riding, if it was kids riding and mum riding i would get it.

It looks like op and partner are both looking ways to spend money and time not on the children or with them.

Agree totally.

@LuckySantangelo35

And what's wrong with that?

Oh dear.

Sure if you can easily afford them, i dont think OP and her husband can if they have to choose betwen who can keep their hobby /moving house/effect on family holidays which would also mean kids wouldnt have holidays just so mum and dad can admire 911 and a pony.

I wouldn’t recommend a 15k 911. That’s right in the spot for the highest risk of having issues (if your H starts looking he’ll learn about the models and tbh a 15k would be a late 996 model with high risk of engine bore score and other problems). I’d say you need to be looking at a 997 model from about 2010 on, at around 30k.

old ones may be cheap but they come with expensive risks. You can roll the dice at 15k but it’s a gamble.

?

@DannyZukosSmile

eh?

I think you’re unreasonable. Your husband clearly understands what your pony means to you and you’re not showing him the same understanding, because cars aren’t your thing. His luxury hobby is an inanimate object, it makes no difference. It could still bring him all the amazing well-being that your pony brings you.

he isn’t even trying to get you to sell the pony. It just sounds like he’s obsessing over his dream and being unrealistic. Maybe a look at the finances and making a plan for the next few years will bring him down to earth. You can’t always have everything you want.

As your husband is planning to go into debt for the car (and a payment plan is just another term for a debt), it probably doesn't make sense to save money while paying interest on borrowed money. Interest rates on debt are almost always higher than interest rates on savings. You'd be better off stopping the children's savings, putting that money plus your own savings towards the car, then giving the children a lump sum at the time they need it. You'd save a lot in interest and can start building savings up again immediately

Personally I'd never go into debt for a car but that's a separate issue

YABU you have a luxury item that not only takes a lot of money but also a lot of time. A car is much less of an imposition. Doesn't sound like you can afford to have either really.

I thought this was going to be one of those Online Shopping Substitution threads.

I think you're inventing a special rule so you can distinguish between your luxury being fine, and his not. In reality they're both luxuries.

Why don't you work out how many years you have had the pony, sell it, and let him use that income for x years on whatever he wants?

That way you don't lose the family stuff and you have treated each other equally.

But they can’t afford both without having no spare money whatsoever, which presumably he knew when he suggested they get a pony.

A pony isn’t a short-term thing. You normally buy one expecting to be in it for the long haul. Unless he was expecting the family income to rise sharply how was he expecting to get a sports car as well without losing the holidays?