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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New member super nice and helpful but I find her so irritating!

275 replies

Bleachmycloths · 07/04/2023 09:48

Some details changed/not included to avoid outing.
I am in a hobby club. I love it. Members are lovely and we have an enjoyable relaxed time. Leader is great and makes meetings enjoyable.
New member ticks all the boxes for being nice: chatty, smiley, makes tea, talks to everyone, asks them questions to show an interest in their lives, helps to clear up. I feel a bit guilty because I find her a PITA and I am getting grumpy about it.
To avoid drip feeding:

  • At the discussion part of the meeting she tries to draw everyone in by posing a question then asks each person what they think. Some members are shy and I can see they don’t like this.
  • suggests we all go out for the evening to get to know each other and to not to talk about hobby. I joined for the hobby, not to go out for meals.
  • every meeting she announces she can’t remember names and points to each one in turn and gives them their name, often wrong, then she gives them a nickname eg “ Mrs Cake” “Mrs Lovely Red Handbag”
I have other examples but this is already too long. I worry thatI am simply intolerant because I just want to say “Oh, fuck off with your helpfulness and friendliness and leave people alone!” Finally, she is not covering up shyness. She is confident and thinks she’s the bees’ knees. I know this. I am not guessing. AIBU for being intolerant and grumpy? Should I accept her as well meaning and that other people and their behaviour are part of life?
OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 07/04/2023 09:50

She sounds irritatingly full on.

I try to breathe deeply and tell myself that people are different

KimberleyClark · 07/04/2023 09:51

Whataretheodds · 07/04/2023 09:50

She sounds irritatingly full on.

I try to breathe deeply and tell myself that people are different

This. Keep reminding myself it takes all sorts to make a world.

SwedishEdith · 07/04/2023 09:53

How many times has she been there? She might calm down soon.

JMSA · 07/04/2023 09:53

She's the type of person who many Mumsnetters wouldn't like, so I expect you'll get much support on here.
My own instinct is to find the OP a misery and feel sorry for the person in question, but hey, what do I know. Maybe I'd find her a bit irritating too!

Feemie · 07/04/2023 09:56

Well, she’s changed a set-up that was obviously working for you in its old form, and there’s something a bit presumptuous about a brand-new person joining a club and immediately trying to reinvent it. You don’t need to engage in going out for dinner if you don’t want to. Let her off with those who do.

However, her not remembering names and announcing her own personal nicknames for people is rude and tin-eared, and I would have no compunction about saying ‘Susan, my name is X, as I told you last time, and the time before that. I’m sorry that you struggle with your memory, but do not address me as ‘Personal Amnesia Nickname’. It’s rude.’

IsolatedWilderness · 07/04/2023 09:57

She sounds irritating. I wonder if she's covering up insecurity with her exuberance?

Chersfrozenface · 07/04/2023 09:57
  1. I think the leader needs to have a word - she is making the shyer members uncomfortable and that's not cool.
  1. Just ignore. If she organises something, be busy. Every evening until 2054.
  1. If ever called or referred to as Mrs Cake, repeat your name. Several times. Spell anything unusual If it continues, say "I'm not called Mrs Cake".

Smiling all the while.

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 09:57

I would try to see it objectively i.e. as a mismatch of personality types rather than her trying to irritate you. I am not seeing the issue with the examples you gave so maybe some people appreciate that kind of energy.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 07/04/2023 09:58

She does sound rather annoying, but yes, for your own sake, you probably should really.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 07/04/2023 09:58

The names thing would annoy me but the rest I could deal with.

Feemie · 07/04/2023 10:00

Chersfrozenface · 07/04/2023 09:57

  1. I think the leader needs to have a word - she is making the shyer members uncomfortable and that's not cool.
  1. Just ignore. If she organises something, be busy. Every evening until 2054.
  1. If ever called or referred to as Mrs Cake, repeat your name. Several times. Spell anything unusual If it continues, say "I'm not called Mrs Cake".

Smiling all the while.

That’s a fair point, actually. The leader should have a word if she’s trying to make people do things they’re not comfortable with in actual sessions. If she wants to see some people socially outside of sessions, that’s entirely up to her and them, and shouldn’t bother you.

Timeforchangeithink · 07/04/2023 10:00

Rude, calculating and condescending - we have one at work.. Thankfully we can all see through it.

Grumpi · 07/04/2023 10:00

We don’t always click with people, that’s life!

fundamentally if she seems like a good person and it’s all coming from a genuine place then perhaps just accept that you have very different dispositions and try to shift your focus away from her when you’re in the group. When she says about nights out just say “oh I’m not much for social gatherings, I’m sure some of the others will go” and then move the conversation along.

One woman at my work is always trying to push meals and drinks out on a Friday night, I don’t want to spend my Friday night with work people! I just plainly said “oh I’m very antisocial, don’t expect to see me on a nighttime” and left it at that

it takes all sorts!

Although constantly reminding someone that you’ve forgotten their name and not bothering to learn it is very bad manners, that would highly piss me off. It’s basically saying “you’re not important enough for me to bother remembering”

Aprilx · 07/04/2023 10:03

It seems to me like she is doing quite a lot right, being friendly, helping out. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with suggesting a night out, nobody has to go that doesn’t want to and it is no reason to dislike her.

What I do find very rude and not at all friendly, is the names thing.

PuppyMonkey · 07/04/2023 10:07

As always, I am distracted by what the mystery hobby group is and can’t contribute fully until I know. Grin

Is it boxing?

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 10:08

I don't think the name thing is rude, it is unusual though, perhaps she is a bit nervous. My DH's friend has a wife who is vivacious and she is seemingly the centre of attention at summer parties and friend meet ups, even my children have noticed it as my eldest who is nearly 16 thinks it is both funny and finds her patronising as she talks to him like he is 10 but she has a vulnerability about her that I see when I talk to her so I think some of it is a bit of a cover up. Maybe this person is the same.

Mythril · 07/04/2023 10:09

Hopefully she will chill out a bit. She'll learn everyone's name, get to know the vibe a bit better, realise that there's not much interest in going out for dinner or whatever. Maybe she'll decide that this setup isn't for her, as she sounds like she wants to make new friends more than do the hobby.

Ragwort · 07/04/2023 10:10

She sounds fine (IMO) ... I am involved in a number of 'hobby groups' and the people who turn up, week after week, seemingly enjoy the activity but don't bother to get involved in any of the setting up, tea making, fund raising, putting chairs away etc etc is incredibly irritating.

Divisionoflabour89 · 07/04/2023 10:14

Come on now, how can you possibly know she thinks she is the bees’s knees op? She might lie in her bed at 3 am in paroxysms of self doubt for all you know!

Having run a hobby club, my answer to you is that it is much harder than it looks, and if you think you can do it better, then go ahead! Not many people volunteer to take on the responsibility so I am sure she would be pleased to have back up!

And it is hard remembering names when there’s just one of you and x number of them. You are all known to them of course so it does looks bad when you can’t always remember everyone’s name in the pressure of the moment, and when the membership is slightly changing all the time and people are absent through illness etc.

And instead of stewing and being irritated by the way she runs it, give her some honest feedback about the shy people not wanting to talk or whatever. See if she takes it on board?

She may well be irritating for all I know as some people like to run clubs for reasons of self aggrandisement and that’s never good, but at least she is putting the effort in, which in my experience a lot of people don’t want to do.

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 10:15

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 10:08

I don't think the name thing is rude, it is unusual though, perhaps she is a bit nervous. My DH's friend has a wife who is vivacious and she is seemingly the centre of attention at summer parties and friend meet ups, even my children have noticed it as my eldest who is nearly 16 thinks it is both funny and finds her patronising as she talks to him like he is 10 but she has a vulnerability about her that I see when I talk to her so I think some of it is a bit of a cover up. Maybe this person is the same.

I realised that I am projecting a bit there and she may be nothing like this but with our vivacious character, with ours my DH is often 🙄as he has known her since student days. I actually think she is ok and I kind of admire the energy she has, her face is very expressive and even that is interesting to watch.

Original poster
Bleachmycloths · 07/04/2023 10:16

Feemie · 07/04/2023 10:00

That’s a fair point, actually. The leader should have a word if she’s trying to make people do things they’re not comfortable with in actual sessions. If she wants to see some people socially outside of sessions, that’s entirely up to her and them, and shouldn’t bother you.

Show quote history

The leader is very good to be fair. When New Member announces new approaches ( “ We should ALL do x!”) leader says quietly “No, we are not doing x. We want everyone to be relaxed”
if it weren’t for her quiet strength New Member would take over 😊

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 07/04/2023 10:17

I'm with you OP, she sounds extremely irritating.

I would have a word with the leader and see what he/she thinks of it all. It's not on for a new member to come in and change the set up surely??

I would also subtlely ask around other members what their take is on her.

Original poster
Bleachmycloths · 07/04/2023 10:17

SwedishEdith · 07/04/2023 09:53

How many times has she been there? She might calm down soon.

About half a dozen times.

OP posts:
Divisionoflabour89 · 07/04/2023 10:17

Oh I am sorry, I have got the wrong end of the stick there! I did read the op but thought this person was the leader!

If she is a new member, then I agree with Ragwort

Feemie · 07/04/2023 10:18

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 10:08

I don't think the name thing is rude, it is unusual though, perhaps she is a bit nervous. My DH's friend has a wife who is vivacious and she is seemingly the centre of attention at summer parties and friend meet ups, even my children have noticed it as my eldest who is nearly 16 thinks it is both funny and finds her patronising as she talks to him like he is 10 but she has a vulnerability about her that I see when I talk to her so I think some of it is a bit of a cover up. Maybe this person is the same.

The name thing is extremely rude. I appreciate some people genuinely struggle with names and may mentally refer to someone was ‘Redhead with massive rings’ or ‘Tattoo-Necked Man’, but it’s pretty tonedeaf to announce to the people themselves that you can’t remember their names, and are going to call them something else.