New member super nice and helpful but I find her so irritating!

[Bleachmycloths]

Some details changed/not included to avoid outing.
I am in a hobby club. I love it. Members are lovely and we have an enjoyable relaxed time. Leader is great and makes meetings enjoyable.
New member ticks all the boxes for being nice: chatty, smiley, makes tea, talks to everyone, asks them questions to show an interest in their lives, helps to clear up. I feel a bit guilty because I find her a PITA and I am getting grumpy about it.
To avoid drip feeding:

• At the discussion part of the meeting she tries to draw everyone in by posing a question then asks each person what they think. Some members are shy and I can see they don’t like this.
• suggests we all go out for the evening to get to know each other and to not to talk about hobby. I joined for the hobby, not to go out for meals.
• every meeting she announces she can’t remember names and points to each one in turn and gives them their name, often wrong, then she gives them a nickname eg “ Mrs Cake” “Mrs Lovely Red Handbag”

I have other examples but this is already too long. I worry thatI am simply intolerant because I just want to say “Oh, fuck off with your helpfulness and friendliness and leave people alone!” Finally, she is not covering up shyness. She is confident and thinks she’s the bees’ knees. I know this. I am not guessing. AIBU for being intolerant and grumpy? Should I accept her as well meaning and that other people and their behaviour are part of life?

THIS is the post I 'fixed' from 13.47.

Thank you! As usual with MN there are always posters who say the daftest things. Many MNs are funny, intelligent, sympathetic and helpful. Unfortunately, there are always a few vipers who are ready to pounce and bite you on the bum 😀 causing silly arguments, going off topic and accusing OPs of the most ridiculous motives and personality disorders 😆 . I feel I’m fairly ‘normal’ and I think some of them must simply do it on purpose to provoke. 🤷‍♀️

You're welcome.

Yeah agree and like how you say it!

I don't believe you're jealous, judgemental etc. I do believe that there are people who consistently reply with "awww, she's just being nice" etc and tell you to tolerate pretty much anything to Be Kind to people who are very annoying, but would hate the same annoying thing being done to them.

And be damn careful about anyone seeing your notes.

A student could quite rightly lodge an official complaint if they saw your aide memoire and then reminding you of Rasputin

The OP knew and dislikes this woman before she joined the group

No other member has said anything to the OP that would suggest they think the same as the OP

The Op simply doesn’t like this woman and was bloody pissed off when she found out she’d joined the group

I think OP knew and dislikes this woman before she joined the group

No I don't think so.

The Op specifically said that she so confident this woman isn’t nervous because she knew her before she joined the group

instead of critcising her you run the club. Most people would never run or organise a club.

Doesn't necessarily mean she disliked her already. Maybe OP was just witness to a theatrical performance when this woman joined the group - playing at being ditzy silly old me and and drawing attention to herself. Previously known to be confident.

Eh? Someone else is already running the club. The annoying new member isn't the leader. OP said in a later post that the leader is reining in some of the new member's behaviour.

Nah

I would put money on the Op groaning when she heard this woman was joining

Early dementia is unlikely -though in some people with dementia, musical ability is the last thing to go. But some people have more specific disabilities that affect their memory for names, faces or both. As I've said, I have always had severe problems with face recognition (as do at least 2% of people), and looking more at people's faces wouldn't in fact help me much in learning to recognize them, though listening to their voices and noting other details would. I don't keep asking people's names- though it would help me if I could - precisely because I'm frightened that someone will react in the way that your friend did. But if someone gets offended with me, or, worse, 'calls me out as a useless plonker', for having this difficulty, it truly causes me ENORMOUS pain. I know other people who have a similar problem with names rather than faces.

Not an excuse for bestowing nicknames without permission, of course. I am referring to your friend's reaction, not the OP's.

Lecturers and teachers are generally trained to be damn careful about not letting anyone see ANY notes where students are named or could be identified.

(Just completed my annual Information security course.)

Well I bloomin hope that PP adheres with her training (although doesn’t seem like it)

Unfortunately so do we; our manager.

This makes no sense.

Making up nicknames is really rude. However, suggesting going out for dinner is nice. I'm part of a book group and we meet once a month to talk about the book and once a month as a social where we talk about anything. It's really helped us feel like a close group and forged friendships as meeting once a month didn't really allow you the consistency to then make friends. Lots of people in the group joined because they are new to the area and it's really helped them. If you don't like it, don't go but others in the group might love that idea.

I joined a group several years ago. I wasn’t there very long before this woman came from another area to our group. I was put off right away. She had a large number of pins she had earned as she had been a member of the organization for quite a few years. The first thing she did was to basically take over the meeting. I stopped going right after that. I was really hoping she would go back to her area. Nope. She’s not only still there, she almost immediately became the newsletter editor, and from there the president of the chapter. I really hate when people are like that. This woman sounds a lot like her. Some people have to run the show on day 1.

Sorry, OP.
I think I'd have to kill her.

From what you’ve told us, I think it’s who you are being insensitive to someone who is new to the group and shows many signs of being neurodivergent.

• At the discussion part of the meeting she tries to draw everyone in by posing a question then asks each person what they think. Some members are shy and I can see they don’t like this. - I suspectb she is unable to sense other people’s feelings and distress.

• suggests we all go out for the evening to get to know each other and to not to talk about hobby. I joined for the hobby, not to go out for meals. - she is desperately lonely and finds making friends difficult. She is looking for more human contact.

• every meeting she announces she can’t remember names and points to each one in turn and gives them their name, often wrong, then she gives them a nickname eg “ Mrs Cake” “Mrs Lovely Red Handbag”. - This is classic ADHD/Autistic behaviour. Neurodivergent people (particularly ADHD) find remembering names EXTREMELY difficult.

This woman is new to the group. If you are more welcoming, many of these things will pass.

Agree OP, great post by @Antiquiteas and about right.

The first two things wouldn't bother me and I like people who say/do those things but the name thing would really annoy me. If she can remember someone's handbag each week then she can remember their name!

You could suggest you all wear name stickers each week for a while?

Maybe she is lonely, has a limited social circle & has joined to make friends hence the invites to socialise outside the hobby meetings. Those are the kind of things agony aunts tell people who to want make friends to do or to join when they move to a new area.

The names thing I probably would find irritating, however I am really forgetful and can never remember anyone’s name. I know that appears rude and I always apologise which is probably really irritating. I don’t make names up though.

She's trying to fit into an established group and is trying too hard. No need to bea hag