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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boys and teen pregnancies

448 replies

KittyAlfred · 06/04/2023 14:04

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

OP posts:
BonAppTheTeet · 06/04/2023 21:04

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 20:46

@BonAppTheTeet

what are you even talking about? I think you’ll find they’re all your own words.

What does being glamorous have to do with anything? Should a teenage mother not have anything good in her life because that's 'glamourising'? And if I recall, you're in the camp of supporting your sons decision to abandon his child, so it's all very much relevant.

OldLadyChinaCup · 06/04/2023 21:11

NoTouch · 06/04/2023 19:03

I said he would not be able to financially support in a significant way. A % of a PT min wage salary wont even touch raising a child. But both young parents throwing away their future careers at this stage would be madness and unnecessary.

I would pay for court costs of it came to it as I would see his name purposely not being in the birth certificate as a sign things could become difficult and it would be important to be done for the right reasons - to secure his future relationship, and responsibility, with his child as early in its life as possible.

Show quote history

But why would you pay court costs and not pay towards the upkeep of the baby? If you went to court to ensure your son’s name was on the BC then surely you would insist he saw that baby regularly and had it overnight-getting up etc? Gave up going out with friends as he had a baby at home every other weekend to allow the girl to have some life too? That would certainly be my stance.

Plus, even that small amount from a p/t job shows willing.

LuvSmallDogs · 06/04/2023 21:22

Well, I guess I'd say to him he has no control over whether the mother keeps it, and he has to respect that - that the only control he had was to properly use a condom, with the small risk of it still not working.

If the mum decided to move forward with the pregnancy, I'd not try to force him out of education (after all, a better job could really pay off for the child as well as him in the long term), but would strongly suggest him getting a part time job, even if it's a pittance, to put toward what the baby needs. So that he can hold his head up and honestly say to his child that he always tried for him/her.

I would want to be a gran to the baby and a support my son and the mum once the dust had settled. I think I'd be ok at it.

I will always remember how upsetting I found my mum and MIL's "new grand baby, must take over!!" tendencies when I was still recovering from an episiotomy and developing PPD, and decided that I would never make someone else feel that way by putting my excitement at being a gran first.

Idk how I'd go about it, it would be easier if I already had a decent relationship with mum and her family. Maybe I'd arrange to take mum round town to buy some baby bits and bobs and have lunch at a cafe and listen to her morning sickness tales?

I'd say to her "If you want me to look after baby sometimes, you just let me know. But I'm not going to go on about it, because I found it hard when my mum and MIL wanted to take my first baby away from me all the time. Let me know what you need and I'll do my best to help. Being a mum for the first time can be really hard, I found it really hard, so you'll get no judgement from me!"

Snugglemonkey · 06/04/2023 21:38

Lovelyring · 06/04/2023 16:41

I also wouldn't automatically assume the teen pregnancy was a disaster. I actually know a couple where the girl got pregnant at 16 to a boy who was 20 and they are married now with other children and in their 50s. Rare but can happen.

I would. Yes, it works out ok in the end as some people end up happy. Many do not. Even if it works out, it is hard. It deprives people of their youth, their choices. I do not want my child losing all of that, it would be a disaster.

agriefobserved · 06/04/2023 21:46

I'd be encouraging my DS (not that I have one) to finish his A-levels and get a job which will help support his family. University can wait until the child is at school, or things have settled down so he can have enough time in the day to do uni part-time, through the Open University or something local.

One of the massive risks of having sex is a baby, and contraception generally isn't 100%. I'm afraid it takes two to tango, so if the mother doesn't want a termination then that's it, he needs to step up and be a father.

Family support is also massive, so I'd encourage them to live at home. Either together or apart, as long as they are around each other - whatever works for them.

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 21:46

@BonAppTheTeet

I think you’re talking to yourself. I have no idea what you’re even referring to with it being glam 🫤. I said I would support my teen son with his decision.

BeardieWeirdie · 06/04/2023 22:09

If my teenage girl had the misfortune to fall pregnant and was misty-eyed about being a family together, I’d love for her be told that her boyfriend wouldn’t be able to contribute for 5 years until he’d finished school and university. The reality shock of what that would mean would hopefully make her see that there’s only one sensible option.

feellikeanalien · 06/04/2023 22:15

So all these pps who would support their sons in walking away from their child, would you then be quite happy if the mother refused to let your son have anything to do with the child at a later date if your son changed his mind?

When they all have their wonderful well paid jobs some years later and decide that they now want to make contact with their child I bet you would be the first to say that it was appalling that they were being kept from their child if the mother wanted nothing to do with them.

Let the mother do the hard bit and then build up a relationship once that was done. Would you support your sons in doing that?

I also don't see much concern for the child. There have been so many threads on here about children who have been abandoned by their fathers and how it has a negative effect on them later in life.

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 22:18

@feellikeanalien

No, the mother would be entitled to restrict access under that scenario and I for one wouldn’t blame her. There are huge issue with teenage motherhood/fatherhood and a lot of those babies grow up with insecure attachments due to the immaturity of parents. It’s just a bad start all round and not ideal.

OoooohMatron · 06/04/2023 22:20

I'd be much more worried if my DS got a girl pregnant than if my DD got pregnant. The boy has zero choice in what happens afterwards. My lad is only 10 but it'll be drummed into him to.always use protection when he becomes sexually active.

Lovelyring · 06/04/2023 22:58

Snugglemonkey · 06/04/2023 21:38

I would. Yes, it works out ok in the end as some people end up happy. Many do not. Even if it works out, it is hard. It deprives people of their youth, their choices. I do not want my child losing all of that, it would be a disaster.

Show quote history

It wouldn't be my choice, definitely, but I would try to be calm and talk about it positively if it was happening.

I know another girl who was going off the rails, and having a teen pregnancy actually made her get her act together. I think it's probably been the making of her. She's in a really good place now.

kirinm · 06/04/2023 23:19

EveryFlavourBeans · 06/04/2023 18:00

I feel quite conflicted about this. I have a son and a daughter. I hope that both DC are ambitious and aim for higher education and we never end up in this situation.

But if DS got a girl pregnant despite using condoms, and didn’t want the baby, I don’t know that I’d force him to. I support a woman’s right to choose what she does with her own body. There would be no attempts to persuade her to have an abortion, her decision would be made by her and her alone. I would make sure DS contributed financially, and would take on the burden of this myself so that he could continue his education. But I don’t know if I’d force him to see a baby he didn’t want to have in the first place.

I do understand the argument that he shouldn’t be having sex at all if he didn’t want to run the risk of creating a baby. I do. It just feels really conflicted in my head.

I grew up in a deprived area with lots of teen pregnancies. I remember a girl getting pregnant and the “gossip” was that the mum of the teen lad had told her she’d give her money monthly for the baby, but that her son didn’t want involving. That she had to think of him as “just a sperm donor” since she’d chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy. General consensus was that this was an awful thing to say. But I just remember thinking to myself “fair enough”.

Reading this thread makes me see I’m in the minority for thinking that. But I do.

If DD got pregnant and her boyfriend didn’t want to be involved, I genuinely would understand that. Fair enough if DD wanted to continue the pregnancy. But she’d be making that decision for herself, not the both of them.

Yes I'm sure when your DD is struggling with single parenting, she'll appreciate hearing that it's only fair that the father got to fuck off.

I had a teenage pregnancy and as so many of them do, the father disappeared. My DS is 26 now and I'm relieved that his father never made any attempt to get to know him as I think he's toxic but I do wonder how he lives with himself knowing he had a child he doesn't know and had no involvement in his life.

That a parent could encourage that sort of behaviour blows my mind.

kirinm · 06/04/2023 23:31

I was 18 when I had my DS. I went back to college and did my A Levels, went to uni and eventually qualified as a solicitor. And the father is god knows where doing god knows what.

Viviennemary · 06/04/2023 23:37

Then you chose to be a mother and he chose not to be a father. We might not approve of the decision but he does have the right to make this decision.

kirinm · 06/04/2023 23:39

Viviennemary · 06/04/2023 23:37

Then you chose to be a mother and he chose not to be a father. We might not approve of the decision but he does have the right to make this decision.

No. He is still a father.

cosmiccosmos · 06/04/2023 23:40

The answer of course is that men push for their own contraception. Let's face it condoms should really only be used fir protection against STIs. However whilst society sees it as acceptable for men to just walk away and for the taxpayer, via benefits, to pick up the cost then nothing will change.

Unless their are consequences for men eg having to look after the child and pay, then why would they take contraception or push for it.

OldLadyChinaCup · 06/04/2023 23:40

Viviennemary · 06/04/2023 23:37

Then you chose to be a mother and he chose not to be a father. We might not approve of the decision but he does have the right to make this decision.

From an emotional pov, yes. But the law dictates that he must financially provide for his child whether he wanted the pregnancy to continue or not.

kirinm · 06/04/2023 23:44

@OldLadyChinaCup unfortunately the reality is that CMS - as they were then - didn't make any real effort to force him to pay and he did what he could to make sure they he wasn't visibly earning much for them to be able to take.

He paid absolutely nothing to me.

OldLadyChinaCup · 06/04/2023 23:47

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 22:18

@feellikeanalien

No, the mother would be entitled to restrict access under that scenario and I for one wouldn’t blame her. There are huge issue with teenage motherhood/fatherhood and a lot of those babies grow up with insecure attachments due to the immaturity of parents. It’s just a bad start all round and not ideal.

Unfortunately, she cannot legally restrict his access. He can go to court and he’ll win.

mosiacmaker · 07/04/2023 00:04

Baabaa75 · 06/04/2023 15:34

Keeping your cock in your pants I guarantee is a sure fire way of males exercising their rights to a choice on whether their child is born or not 🤷

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That’s literally what pro-lifers say to women - keep your legs shut and you won’t get pregnant. How is it ok to say about boys?

mosiacmaker · 07/04/2023 00:07

@EveryFlavourBeans I agree with you and I am the child of a similar situation and don’t hold it against my father, who I have a good relationship with now I am an adult.

Original poster
KittyAlfred · 07/04/2023 00:10

kirinm · 06/04/2023 23:39

No. He is still a father.

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Only biologically. My children were born by anonymous sperm donation so technically the donors are fathers. But not in any meaningful way.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 07/04/2023 07:35

OoooohMatron · 06/04/2023 22:20

I'd be much more worried if my DS got a girl pregnant than if my DD got pregnant. The boy has zero choice in what happens afterwards. My lad is only 10 but it'll be drummed into him to.always use protection when he becomes sexually active.

I feel the same.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 07:51

@OldLadyChinaCup

Doesnt happen in a lot of cases. Fees are too expensive.

SnackSizeRaisin · 07/04/2023 08:04

KittyAlfred · 06/04/2023 15:08

What if they were at university too far away from home?

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The mother of the child could claim benefits presumably, or she could live with her parents.

But if the father would need to alter his choices to live near the baby and save money, while education is important I don't think he can expect to move to the far end of the country and live a carefree student lifestyle. If at all possible he'll need to choose a university close to home