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Original poster

Boys and teen pregnancies

448 replies

KittyAlfred · 06/04/2023 14:04

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 07/04/2023 08:08

Sure this wouldnt happen in all cases bit it is unfair for the couple (in general) to not the future grandparents have a say if they will have to help when the baby is born

Sure being grandparents to parents of any age is different to actually having no choice to help house and be used for childcare from the start

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/04/2023 08:23

I have two boys and will obviously do my best to make them understand they have to use condoms no matter what, even if she is on the pill. If they get someone pregnant I will support them to make a decision and understand the consequences of what they choose. Ultimately I would want them to be honest with the girl.

FinallyHere · 07/04/2023 08:38

is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

While I understand that this is the pragmatic view, we have somewhere lost the point of view that I grew up with: that sexual intercourse might lead to pregnancy and that the only way to be 100% certain to not get pregnant is to not have sex.

I understand teenagers thinking the way I have quoted. I was a bit taken aback to see that point of view seemingly accepted by the mother of a son old enough to be a father.

My recommendation would be to remind that of the risks of PIV sex and to consider alternatives, if abstention is do completely out of the question.

weinerdog · 07/04/2023 08:48

OoooohMatron · 06/04/2023 22:20

I'd be much more worried if my DS got a girl pregnant than if my DD got pregnant. The boy has zero choice in what happens afterwards. My lad is only 10 but it'll be drummed into him to.always use protection when he becomes sexually active.

And you think a man abandoning his child financially and emotionally and then returning... and then a child being kept away because the mother doesn't trust him

...is somehow BETTER than just encouraging your son to pay circa £20 a week and see the child every now and again?

weinerdog · 07/04/2023 08:51

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 22:18

@feellikeanalien

No, the mother would be entitled to restrict access under that scenario and I for one wouldn’t blame her. There are huge issue with teenage motherhood/fatherhood and a lot of those babies grow up with insecure attachments due to the immaturity of parents. It’s just a bad start all round and not ideal.

Quoting mishap @OoooohMatron

That was for @Easterfunbun

MangoPi · 07/04/2023 09:03

Comes down to morality really doesn't it and who you are.

Some can walk away and feel nothing or maybe feel a hint of guilt but ultimately decide it's not their problem and others couldn't.

I know which one I hope my son is.

It's not a kind thing to do, leaving a child wondering who half their family is.

itsabigtree · 07/04/2023 09:36

@mosiacmaker

That’s literally what pro-lifers say to women - keep your legs shut and you won’t get pregnant. How is it ok to say about boys?

Because males and females are biologically different to one another. Therefore, like it or not, there are different consequences for actions. It's not double standards, it's biological reality.

OhmygodDont · 07/04/2023 11:17

Other problem you’ve got it’s all good and well saying well the girl should just abort or whatever. That’s from a very privileged place since there are many places where abortions are illegal. Should the boy still just be able to walk away then.

kirinm · 07/04/2023 13:11

@KittyAlfred that's quite different to your partner getting you pregnant and then disappearing.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 15:16

@weinerdog

I do not recall saying my son shouldn’t pay? I haven’t even advocated for abandonment. I’ve always maintained I would support my son with what he wanted to do. Obviously having not been in this position it’s all just speculative, but nice try. I don’t believe dipping in and out is at all healthy either. You either step up or you don’t. I also think age is important here. I’ve known fathers from 14-18 in my time (and above but we are not referencing them). Obviously the 14 year old was in a very different place emotionally to the 18 year old.

weinerdog · 07/04/2023 17:00

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 15:16

@weinerdog

I do not recall saying my son shouldn’t pay? I haven’t even advocated for abandonment. I’ve always maintained I would support my son with what he wanted to do. Obviously having not been in this position it’s all just speculative, but nice try. I don’t believe dipping in and out is at all healthy either. You either step up or you don’t. I also think age is important here. I’ve known fathers from 14-18 in my time (and above but we are not referencing them). Obviously the 14 year old was in a very different place emotionally to the 18 year old.

So yeah @Easterfunbun, you'd support your son walking away. Like I just said.

kirinm · 07/04/2023 17:07

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 15:16

@weinerdog

I do not recall saying my son shouldn’t pay? I haven’t even advocated for abandonment. I’ve always maintained I would support my son with what he wanted to do. Obviously having not been in this position it’s all just speculative, but nice try. I don’t believe dipping in and out is at all healthy either. You either step up or you don’t. I also think age is important here. I’ve known fathers from 14-18 in my time (and above but we are not referencing them). Obviously the 14 year old was in a very different place emotionally to the 18 year old.

What you actually said is you'd be supporting your son to stay in education and not daddy day care. You're rowing back from that now - presumably because it demonstrates your poor morals.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 17:39

@kirinm

Please then read my posts. I’m defo not back tracking and I absolutely would be supporting my son to stay in education. What a foolish idea to encourage otherwise. Think what you want morality wise.

If my son wanted to walk away between the ages of 14-18 then yeah, I would support him in his decision. Like I said, that’s him utilising his sense of agency. The girl had her sense of agency when she decides to proceed as a young teenager.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 17:40

@weinerdog

if that’s what he wanted, definitely 👍.

kirinm · 07/04/2023 17:43

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 17:39

@kirinm

Please then read my posts. I’m defo not back tracking and I absolutely would be supporting my son to stay in education. What a foolish idea to encourage otherwise. Think what you want morality wise.

If my son wanted to walk away between the ages of 14-18 then yeah, I would support him in his decision. Like I said, that’s him utilising his sense of agency. The girl had her sense of agency when she decides to proceed as a young teenager.

Abandoning a child. How utterly repellent.

weinerdog · 07/04/2023 17:47

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 17:40

@weinerdog

if that’s what he wanted, definitely 👍.

You're a bad person then. And you know it- why else would lie initially? Any hypothetical child would be better off without you though, so I suppose your only doing them a favour.

5128gap · 07/04/2023 18:11

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 17:40

@weinerdog

if that’s what he wanted, definitely 👍.

With weak indulgent parenting, no sense of responsibility and no consequences, what would stop this hypothetical son doing this over and over again? Hardly any point bothering with the condom.

Tessabelle74 · 07/04/2023 18:38

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 15:16

@weinerdog

I do not recall saying my son shouldn’t pay? I haven’t even advocated for abandonment. I’ve always maintained I would support my son with what he wanted to do. Obviously having not been in this position it’s all just speculative, but nice try. I don’t believe dipping in and out is at all healthy either. You either step up or you don’t. I also think age is important here. I’ve known fathers from 14-18 in my time (and above but we are not referencing them). Obviously the 14 year old was in a very different place emotionally to the 18 year old.

You absolutely, most definitely DID say you'd support your son abandoning his child. Like I said earlier, feckless mothers like you are exactly why so many women are raising children alone because the fathers have been excused their whole lives by women like you. It's sickening.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 18:40

@Tessabelle74

I think you’re totally projecting your own issues here. You do realise men have the agency to decide on how they proceed with fatherhood. Why are you blaming their mothers with choices they make? I said I would support a teenage son if that’s what he wanted to do. I doubt I would have much influence over an adult who would have to live with their choices. It’s bizarre to place the blame at a mothers feet.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 18:45

@weinerdog

Interesting how you’re all blaming mothers for mens choices. My priority first are foremost would be my own teenage son. Screaming that that’s indulging him isn’t very naunced is it? I would be encouraging him to complete his education most definitely. If he wanted to step up I would also be encouraging that. If he didn’t want to step up as a 14-18 year old how much influence do you really think a mother has at this stage? Do you believe mothers can completely control their adolescent sons?

Tessabelle74 · 07/04/2023 18:49

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 18:40

@Tessabelle74

I think you’re totally projecting your own issues here. You do realise men have the agency to decide on how they proceed with fatherhood. Why are you blaming their mothers with choices they make? I said I would support a teenage son if that’s what he wanted to do. I doubt I would have much influence over an adult who would have to live with their choices. It’s bizarre to place the blame at a mothers feet.

Damn straight I'd be blaming you. As a mother it's YOUR JOB to teach your kids about responsibility. If your son is having sex and a child is the result of that, then he has a DUTY to step up regardless of age and you supporting him to walk away is appalling. I have a wonderful husband thankfully, but my sister was told by her boyfriend to get rid of it, or get rid of me so he went. 23 years later, my beautiful, amazing niece wonders why he didn't want her, especially as he has other children now. His family also refused to have anything to do with her because HE didn't want to. Imagine the pain my niece feels at that rejection. Mother's like you disgust me.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 18:57

@Tessabelle74

You should blame the father. You can teach your sons AND your daughters about safe sex and you’re still not guaranteed that they will listen. It’s naive to think like that to be honest.

Your nieces father is the only one to blame in that scenario but your hatred for his mother is the most pungent.

Tessabelle74 · 07/04/2023 19:03

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 18:57

@Tessabelle74

You should blame the father. You can teach your sons AND your daughters about safe sex and you’re still not guaranteed that they will listen. It’s naive to think like that to be honest.

Your nieces father is the only one to blame in that scenario but your hatred for his mother is the most pungent.

I hate them all. His mother should have told him that the family were having a relationship with the child no matter what he wanted. How could you have a child out there you are connected to by blood but have nothing to do with it. It's disgusting, people that justify that abandonment are disgusting.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 19:07

@Tessabelle74

But that is a different scenario altogether that manifests further down the line at which point as a grandparent you would have your own agency about contact. You’re right in that if contact is initiated by a small one it would be heartless for a GP to refuse that, irrespective of sons views. I have to be honest though I’ve seen a few teen pregnancies play out and not once has the mother of the baby initiated contact with the paternal grandparents. The whole thing is incredibly complex. How old was your sister when she fell pregnant and how old was the dad?

We are talking specifically about the 14-18 year old category here.

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 19:14

@Tessabelle74

Should his father not have “told him”?

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