Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

You would actively block the girl from becoming my able to contact the father of her child?!
I do hope that's a joke.

I think you’re totally projecting your own issues here. You do realise men have the agency to decide on how they proceed with fatherhood. Why are you blaming their mothers with choices they make? I said I would support a teenage son if that’s what he wanted to do.

Would you also support your son being a bully/spreading rumours or any number of other things that are choices, but are bad choices? You can love your son and still ask that he does the right thing. At least try. At least maintain your relationship with your own grandchild independent of your son.

Your perspective is just baffling, thank god the majority of people on this thread are normal and don't share it. And yes, a mother (or father) should absolutely be blamed if they turn a blind eye and do nothing, enabling this lack of responsibility.

Why should the mother of the child initiate grandparent contact? The grandparents raised the father, and clearly did a crap job if they raised someone so immoral they are okay with abandoning their own child.

If I had the misfortune of reproducing with your offspring; damn right I wouldn’t let my child anywhere near you. You have already raised one (hypothetical) morally bereft human; I sure as hell don’t want you to have any bearing on my children; because you have shown yourself to be unfit to be around children.

Outside of Mumsnet threads, it’s clearly not an uncommon position given how common it actually is. You’re berating one person who is open about accepting it, if it happens, but there will be plenty that hold the same position who aren’t interested in/willing to take the criticism.

A few years ago I knew a lady who's son had just done his a levels. He was making plans to leave home to go towards a certain career. His mother had told him to use condoms.
His girlfriend told him he was pregnant and he thought that this was great news but had no idea of the reality of the situation.

His mother met his girlfriend and asked her what her plans were after she got her a levels.
She asked would her parents be happy to hear that she was pregnant?
His girlfriend was beginning to realise the reality of her situation and decided she wanted an abortion. She wanted to go to college and have a life before having kids.
So her boyfriends mother arranged and paid for an abortion for her.

I know some young couples who like the idea of having a baby but when reality kicks in they find it hard going unless they have parents and parents financial support behind them.
It's hard then when your stuck at home with a baby and meanwhile your friends are in college, getting jobs and enjoying life.

Having a baby at a young age has a large impact on the mother's life in particular as the boyfriend may not stay around. They can leave school and not get the chance of further education, training or work experience to get into or move up career wise until their child is say at school age and then they are working around a child.

If he had one, yes. My sister was 22 when she got pregnant but that's not the point. No matter the age of the mother, that abandonment hurts just the same to the child

@Tessabelle74

I presume then, that the father was also in his 20s. In which case, not really what we were discussing and I think you’ll find that when children have children it adds a layer of complexity. Your sister and the father were adults in that equation.

This isn’t a thread about supporting adult sons in their decision to abandon their kids.

@Newname221

I am not sure why you are calling my son immoral when he has not impregnated anybody….. 🤦‍♀️. This is a hypothetical scenario. I have no idea what my son as a now 13 year old would wish to do in this circumstance. I simply stated I, as his mother, would encourage him to complete his education and I would support him in any decision that he saw fit… being as though he was still my child.

I know several people who had children in their teens, including myself, who are now of varying ages from 20s to 60s. Everyone has a job. Some did better academically- including myself- because I was already on that track and determined, and I had really good support from teachers and professionals.

This isn't the 1950s where having a baby outside of marriage or young is a life sentence. There is so much support and many options. Pushing this narrative just makes people feel hopeless, like their world has ended and there's nothing else to look forward to.

There are downsides and there are also upsides: like subsidies, grants, living/active grandparents, absence of health issues, possibly living at home and saving money. Definitely not the case from what I've actually seen and lived through that people are condemned to a life of misery.

Being abandoned by a 15 year old father and his family feels exactly the same as being abandoned by a 50 year old father and his family to a child. The fact you are STILL sticking to your position of supporting your child to abandon his means you're too disgusting to me to bother replying to any more.

If having a child young (say 16-25), it also begs the question of why anyone would bother, at any age. It's just hell on earth, ruins your life, no money, no education, no career, no social life whatsoever. They definitely never grow up, and stay babies forever.

It's nonsense. It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world. I know nature student parents who managed masters and Phds but for some reason an 18 year old with family help can't manage to complete a degree? It's just not true.

@Tessabelle74

Yes you’ve already told me I am disgusting a thousand times yet you’ve failed to acknowledge the complexities of when children have children. I do know of one scenario whereby a 14 and a 15 year old had a baby and the father was simply too immature to be present practically or emotionally for many years despite the grandmother showing willing (there was no grandfather). They did actually reconnect when this child was an adolescent herself. Like I said terribly complex the whole thing but I certainly wasn’t referring to adults in their early 20s.

@BonAppTheTeet

Me personally I have been discussing when kids have kids (aged 14-18). This isn’t a thread about young motherhood.

I was 21 when I had my first child. An adult.
Worlds apart from when I was 14/15, a child.

Ok, I see that as even more reason to not just leave them. You clearly have a very different mindset.

It’s not that I have a different mindset I can just accept the chaos that can go with a teenage pregnancy. I’ve witnessed it, and all of the ramifications. I’ve witnessed the heartache that can accompany the paternal grandparents with their complete lack of control over the situation. I can actually view it from many different lenses actually which is why I would trust my sons sense of, albeit, immature agency. As mothers you’re not actually able to control how your son would father at that age anyway.

Would nobody want a dna test? I think that would be my worry if this happened to my ds if I'm honest.

It’s almost like I didn’t put the word hypothetical in my response to you.

Your son may be YOUR child - do you feel a moral obligation to protect him? Then surely the same obligation applies to HIS child?

How far does “supporting your child” go? You are okay supporting them to abandon a child - what about if they punch the mum around a few times first? What about if they hang about for a few years of the child’s life and then leave? What about if they knock the kid about too? Some robbery? A wee bit murder?

You seem like the kind of parent who would “support your child” by helping burn their blood stained clothes.

A dna test would 100% be expected.

Why on earth would you assume a young woman would lie to implicate your 15 year old DS as the father of her child? I know we tend to think of our sons as good catches, but typically other women don't share our views to the extent they feel the need to lie to trap them!

@5128gap

Well that’s a bit naive. A dna test is standard for a teen pregnancy, particularly if she’s under 16. Safeguarding comes to mind.

@Newname221

Ahh right. So because I’ve said I would support my teenage son (aka child) in this scenario I’m now one of those mothers who would support him being a domestic abuser, a murderer and god knows what else in his adulthood? Good grief. Gotta love mumsnet.

Sorry to disappoint you all but this hypothetical scenario is unlikely, as he’s actually a really sensible boy 😜.

🙄. I had a teenage pregnancy and I still wouldn't encourage my son to abandon his child.

I'd agree with PPs.

You can't separate how you feel about your child from their actions, why would it be different just because one is illegal and not the other (abandoning the pregnant mother and his baby)? From personal experience, not secondhand news stories, mothers will go to extraordinary lengths to defend their shitty sons.

@BonAppTheTeet

I don’t doubt that. I’m getting ambushed from women who can’t separate their own goings on from what I’ve actually said.

I have no business in protecting an adult child from wrongdoings. That goes for my sons and for my daughter. I don’t really need to justify that here.

The son is too young to handle a baby but the girl definitely can.

The son isn't able to understand the consequences of sex- assuming consensual by both- but the equally young teen girl is fully aware of what it means to be a parent. So she made her bed, basically.

The son deserves to be supported but the girl doesn't deserve your support.