Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

To me a dna test would be the sensible option. It doesn't mean I would presume anything of the girl. But I do think boys and their families are in a vulnerable position.

The girl should be supported by her own parents being as though she is still a child. You would hope her parents would encourage her to terminate if that was an acceptable choice for her. Having a baby as a young mum isn’t ideal but having a baby as a child is disastrous and you will not convince me otherwise.

I will end it on a previous post. You may not like what I’ve had to say. Plenty would take a similar stance it’s just they can’t be bothered with the mumsnet ambush.

Well where do you draw the line about your children behaving in immoral ways?

I’ve got one of each and I certainly wouldn’t support them in any decision which goes against our family values. The main family value being that family comes first.

I can’t believe you are still defending your teenage son forcing a teenage girl to struggle, raising YOUR GRANDCHILD, whilst your son moves on living the life of Riley with no regard for the situation HE put her in.

If my son got a girl pregnant and didn’t want to pay his way I’d cut off my son and pay his way for him. Because no son of mine would act that way; and no grandchild of mine will go without because of MY failure as a parent.

Similarly; if my daughter got pregnant, I’d support her financially too. Because I’m not morally bereft.

Yeah, it’s definitely the boys who are vulnerable here. 🙄🙄🙄

Not so naive as to imagine that safeguarding would be what had 'come to mind' when a boy's parents wanted a DNA test.

In the sense that the girl knows 100% the child is hers. Boys have no way of knowing this. I don't think requesting a dna test would be unreasonable.

Exactly this! Your son walking away is one thing, walking away as a grandparent is another! My son would also be losing any support from me if I found out he was walking away from my grandchild

No male has any way of knowing 100%. Would you think it unreasonable if your MiL requested you take a DNA test?

Grandparent relationships are so important! I cannot imagine denying my parents the chance to be in my children’s lives. And I can’t imagine how hurt I’d be if my own son had a child who he chose not to be involved with.

However, on the other hand; if my daughter got pregnant with a deadbeat I would by no means be encouraging the fathers parents to get involved; since clearly they are incapable of raising a decent human being.

@Newname221

Your post reeks of maternal grandparental privilege. I presume if your daughter was having sex underage with deadbeats you would have to take some responsibility there in the way that you’ve raised her or your basic lack of educating her?

Thankfully I advise both my sons and daughter on safe sex.

I would understand if 'MIL' encouraged dp to request a DNA test if the relationship was relatively new yes. Plenty of men have found out later on that children who they thought were biologically theres weren't. I can only imagine this is awful for all concerned.

“Maternal grandparental privilege” wtf, I’m 33 😂😂😂 absolutely not.

I don’t really care who my children have sex with, as long as it’s legal and consensual. But yes, if my daughter did get pregnant by a deadbeat, I’d support her financially. As I’ve already stated - maybe try reading.

My children are way, way too young to be sexually active, my daughter has a good understanding of sex for her age and already knows a little about contraception, so I’m sure I’ll have it covered in plenty of time.

I agree to a point, but sometimes kids can be knobs even with the best parents. I'd give the parents a chance, they could be ashamed of their son

Most teen pregnancies are not caused by teen boys.

So who or what are they caused by? Where is this information from?

@BonAppTheTeet grown adult men who groom or rape them sadly.

The condoms thing fucks me off no end. No, a boy cant stick his fingers in his ears and pretend he has no responsibility because he used a condom.

If any son of mine walked away I would be beyond disappointed. If you've ever held your baby and loved them you know that being an absent parent is a cunt of a thing to do.

Whether he goes to uni depends on whether he, with or without family support, can support his child the way that a child deserves to be supported.

That might mean a local uni is achievable with extra work or parental financing. Or exploring options like open university. Or none.

You do the best you can with what life throws at you. Fucking off to uni a hundred miles away and sending a pittance isn't being a good dad.

It happens, certainly, but I doubt it's most. Most of the boys will be similar age.

All men / boys should be aware of the fact that condoms aren’t 100% and they shouldn’t try to influence a women’s decision if a pregnancy was to occur. Therefore if they have sex that is a risk they are willing to take and should be held accountable.

That said, as a mum of a teenage son, if the worst happened I would help support him, and the mum, in any way I could

Have you and his father discussed this with him?

It’s probably an unpopular opinion but I believe having a child is a life long partnership and the conception is about 0.00001% of it.

If you have a child with someone who didn’t agree to have a child then that’s on you. Fair enough if the poor girl didn’t realise until late in the pregnancy. That is beyond fucked and utterly awful for all involved.

But if they do know early enough and that the child was not agreed to or wanted then it’s on them their decision. This is 2023 after all. We do have a trillion forms of contraception and termination options. We have control, and we need to take responsibility for our decisions.

And sure some will say well what about the decision of the man/boy in having sex that night. But that’s a spur of the moment decision. Women and girls have months to think about whether they wish to terminate or not. Months and years pre sex/ pregnancy to be on the pill or long term contraception. It’s women who hold all the non spur of the moment decision cards.

Our bodies, our choice, but we have to own that.

We're discussing 16 year olds. It seems their only helpless children when it's convenient (ie male).

16. Not 36. There are many reasons why a 16 year old girl might not get an abortion. This includes the fact that you live with your parents at that age. There are cultures and beliefs that parents hold where girls literally can't even make that choice.

Even in a liberal middle class household where it's less of an issue, it's still a valid choice.

And regardless of any of that, the child is a separate person. However you feel about the mother continuing, refusing to maintain any kind of relationship or financial help at all is... I don't know.

I've had a termination it's not a simple procedure I found it traumatic although it was for the best. People throw around abortion like it's nothing it's not for a lot of women.

If a son of mine walked away I would be devastated. I couldn't walk away as a grandparent, a baby is innocent.

Hmm yes I was struggling to unlayer the child/ teen aspect as don’t know many at this time and am yet to parent teens. So in my head was kind of a comparison to woman in non committed relationship ie, one night stand or casual dating/ tinder fling type scenario.

The child issue does add another layer definitely but struggling to process how that works. As your right we can’t say one is a helpless child and the other must make adult decisions. But that works both ways.