To feel embarrassed that we can’t afford to buy a property?

[Foreveraskingquestions]

Since me and DH have been together buying a property has never really been in our interest. We had money at the start but we wasn’t bothered as rent was fairly cheap back then and our priority really was just having fun and going on holidays.

Luckily our current property is HA and it is dirt cheap but we are now leaving and going into private rent. Our rent is now going to be 1k I never imagined spending that much on rent but it’s a beautiful home and it gives our kids the space they need to blossom.

FIL was gobsmacked about how much rent were going to be paying and said how it’s dead money. It’s obviously got into DH head and now he thinks we’re “failures”. Everyone in his family has brought their properties we are the only ones that haven’t.

AIBU to think we’re not failures? He said his family are probably laughing at us.

I don’t know how we would ever be able to buy a place in our area. Maybe if we moved up north!

I don't think anyone would say you are 'failures'. You sound like a happy family to me and are doing well in life? Sounds like it to me!

You have made your choices and you need to have confidence that they were the right choices for you and 'own' those decisions. Who cares what others think?

We did the opposite and saved hard and had a very frugal lifestyle to save to buy our house (we married and bought our first home when we were 21). That isn't what you wanted, neither of us were right or wrong, we just made different choices.

Renting does suck though, the lack of stability and cost are why we decided we didn't want to go down that road. Not to rub it in, but our mortgage is £430 a month, we genuinely couldn't afford to pay 1k a month.

Please don’t feel a failure everyone has to make decisions depending on so many factors and no one has a crystal ball. My grandfather scrimped to save for a mortgage in the 1930s the depression hit and he ended up posting the keys through the door of the building society and never became a home owner for the rest of his life.

When my parents got married and decided as soon as possible to buy they scrimped and saved to get on the property ladder, and we lived off potatoes (seems like it!) but now they are retired and rent and mortgage free. They can enjoy their retirement, but we also enjoyed a reasonable standard of living once the initial period was over and wages caught up with the mortgage.

People don’t usually buy a 4 bed as a first home. Start small and work up. Obviously it’s trickier as you have children but you don’t need a 4 bed. I’d prioritise security over space.

Yep

You’ve made some bad choices but just ignore others opinions. There’s nothing you can really do about it now so you just need to grin and bear it and accept this rent is likely to be the norm for now.

Millions of families will never be able to afford a 4 bedroom house.

Surely there's a middle ground somewhere? What's wrong with a three bedroomed house?

Yes agreed, this trope that everybody on the continent rents is no sense. Yes renting is generally more affordable, but no, in most countries it is not more common. If you compare the UK against the EU 27 we have the 5th highest proportion of renters out of 28 countries. I think people get confused because in some of those countries it's more common to rent until later (late 30s/ early 40s) to save up more then self-build, for example. But overall we don't have a particularly high rate of home ownership comparatively, it's a myth. It's valued by people in most countries because it's secure and stable, an inheritance for your children, and because you can then afford retirement when the mortgage is paid off.

No you aren't wrong

I done a swap (9 Years this June 1st), We were both the same Housing Association though but not sure that matters as a friend swapped, some years ago now, from London to Suffolk without Issue.
In my case I downsized but wanted to be where I am now as it was and is so much more convinient here. I also used to rent privately not far from here and all my friends are here too. I came from a 3 bedroom maisonette to 2 bedroom house.
OP its a shame, as others have said, you cannot hold out a little longer in your safe, secure HA Home but you do you and best of Luck.

I wouldn’t say you’re failures just made some bad decisions.

Is UC going to cover some of the rent? If it is then it’s different than if OP has to actually earn the difference in the rent increase. Non of our opinions are relevant until we know all the facts which OP does not wish to share so it seems as OP has not answered whether UC will be covering part of the rent and how much.

and said how it’s dead money.

I hate that inane phrase. Paying for shelter is not some waste of money, like buying food isn't a waste just because you don't still have the food once you've eaten it. Both are good uses of money and not wasted.

Well you both chose travel, fun and to have continued to have more children over investing in property- even a 1 bed flat to start you off would have got you on the property ladder.

It was your choice though. I wouldn't call that a failure- just different planning/thinking to what many others might do. I'm not surprised your FIL has concerns- but you are adults and chose this path.

Well done on saving that much as a single parent! To me that is something yo be very proud of!

It really doesn’t matter. People who own their houses certainly do look down on renters IMO but if you’re proving a warm, clean home with enough space for you all it really doesn’t matter. You say you’re going to be in a position to buy at some point anyway, some people never will be… they’re certainly not failures. Don’t waste enough thought on it, life is short.

Most people I know have had deposits from parents, it wouldn't have been possible otherwise. you are not a failure.

This tbh. Your choices have a massive part to play here.

Who said we are out of savings? We don’t have enough to buy a 4 bedroom house in our area. We still have savings!

So have you looked at how much more you'd need to top up the £30k, to get to the amount you need as a deposit for, say, a 3 bedroom with significantly more space? How much more would you need to save, and how long would that take if you stay in the HA property?

Or, what desposits would be needed for shared ownership properties in the area?

Exactly this, my parents (late seventies) seem to think you can buy a detached cottage with 3 acres of land in the South Downs National park for less than £450,000...bonkers

I think it's a Mumsnet thing to demand that people should live in abject poverty and misery for 10 years + just so they can say they own their own home.

Many couples and families now just cannot afford the deposit for a property. People that scold others for not living in a box room in parents eating porridge for every meal to save , often paid a 5% or even 0% deposit for their first property, or had the deposit gifted to them.

Be happy with your choices, life is for living not for wasting in poverty and misery in your youngest and most exciting period of your life.

If you never own a home, who gives a toss?

You’re mad for moving even with limited space. A landlord can just uproot you whenever they see fit and that’s got to be worse for your MH? The lack of security will take its toll in the end. Don’t do it. Stay in the HA house.

I made the same bad decisions.

My mum came into money when I was 18. She decided to buy a couple of homes and rent one out to me for cheaper.

That young, and living with my boyfriend at the time, we were the only ones out of our friends who had a house. We went out still, we hosted house parties, we had 2/3 holidays a year. We had fun.

Then the baby came when I was 23, then my marriage fell apart.. And it was only then I stepped back and thought what a mess I had made with my priorities.

While my friends were still living at home, they were saving like mad, and now all my friends bar 1 now owns their own home.

I do blame my mum at times for literally handing me the keys at 18 instead of talking to me about saving, or leaving it until maybe 21 to give me the keys. However, I know she meant well.

You’re not failures at all, however the reason everyone wants to buy is mortgage is generally lower than rent, plus no rent (or mortgage) to pay when retired.

If your FIL is so shocked I think he should have emphasised the advantages of buying to his son much earlier on. From when I was age 22 my Dad was telling me to buy. I bought at 25. I didn’t appreciate the reasons why then but I do now I’m older.

I think a lot of it is how you’re brought up so if it’s not been drilled into you both by parents to buy that’s really not your fault.

You chose your prority and it was travel and freedom rather than property and security.

No reason to be embarrassed, but it it is true that had you bought when you could you'd be in a very different position than you are now.

@Foreveraskingquestions having money or owning a house does not mean people are great people, and conversely, not having money and not owning a house certainly does not mean people are rubbish. In fact, people who have money seem more likely to be jerks than people who do not have money. I say this as somebody who has enough money, and tries not to be a jerk.

So you are being entirely reasonable to think you are "not failures."

However, that does not help you to get housing security or to cover expenses. Having gone through a period of prioritising enjoyable life experiences at the expense of saving, which is not necessarily a bad idea since nobody knows how much life we have got left, you might now decide it is worth going through a period of saving more and spending less, in order to achieve more economic security for your children.

Do you have any credit card or other debt, especially high interest rate debt? If so then the first priority for use of savings should be to pay that off, as otherwise it will grow.