To feel embarrassed that we can’t afford to buy a property?

[Foreveraskingquestions]

Since me and DH have been together buying a property has never really been in our interest. We had money at the start but we wasn’t bothered as rent was fairly cheap back then and our priority really was just having fun and going on holidays.

Luckily our current property is HA and it is dirt cheap but we are now leaving and going into private rent. Our rent is now going to be 1k I never imagined spending that much on rent but it’s a beautiful home and it gives our kids the space they need to blossom.

FIL was gobsmacked about how much rent were going to be paying and said how it’s dead money. It’s obviously got into DH head and now he thinks we’re “failures”. Everyone in his family has brought their properties we are the only ones that haven’t.

AIBU to think we’re not failures? He said his family are probably laughing at us.

I don’t know how we would ever be able to buy a place in our area. Maybe if we moved up north!

It’s not a decision we made lightly we have stayed here as long as we possibly can and I feel stupid for giving it up. But at what stage do you say enough is enough?

Tiny small box garden, small bedrooms baby DS is still sharing with us. No room to put anything we’re all so unhappy.

FIL bought his property in his 30s for 30K and sold it for 200k few years ago 😩

Will the council now rehouse you due to over crowding?

If your children are well cared for and happy you are never failures. We sold a property in an area I didn’t want my children to grow up in so that we could move to a more suitable area and used the house money we realised to help pay the higher rents until they were young adults. I don’t regret it, my kids tell me they had a great childhood. There are all sorts of measurements to what makes up a successful life and owning property is only one sort. (And we've now managed to build a very small house in a semi rural area for our retirement.)

Can't you ask the HA to swap to a 3 bedroom house or look for someone to mutually exchange with? I have only privately rented once in my life and would never do it again, especially now with how expensive it costs to rent privately. When I rented (4 years ago) I paid £800, now the same type of property in that area is fetching £1200 per month.

@Seashor wow your lovely aren’t you!

You do sound reckless.

This is what we was holding out for but our council aren’t housing anyone unless they are homeless. We even had environmental health come out and assess us but that made no difference. I’ve been on homeswapper over a year and no interest at all, I think it’s because our house is so small.

Thing is, if you've never had a bad ll before you don't realise. We were warned off a ll, didn't listen, gas wasn't safe and chucked out when raised it. 11 European men there now. Luckily we rented elsewhere for 6 months then bought but moving every year on a whim costs.

Can't you do swaps or get rehoused due to over crowding ?

The problem is you move into private rental 6 months/12 months later you have to move as landlord is selling up - many are at the minute- or the rent goes up as demand is high - so you have to move incurring costs and then have problem of finding somewhere else you can afford.

It's why people hand on in HA - because rental sector is expensive and in our current rental system very insecure.

Honestly, I think you prioritised badly in your early days and are paying for that (literally) now.

You’re certainly not a failure. As long as you can meet the £1k rent and still feed/clothe your family then you’re doing just fine.
At the same time, had you bought a property in your early days you would have more security, a pot of funds to draw on in the future and you’d no doubt be paying much less on a mortgage than on rent so would have a more comfortable family life.

I’d say you’re neither a failure nor a success tbh. It’s not one or the other and you’re in the middle. Most people are in the middle. You’re doing perfectly fine.
It’s worth remembering that you no doubt had a much better time in your early days because you didn’t save for a property and whilst that might not have been the best choice for your family and life now, it was a perfectly valid choice you enjoyed back then.

We own a large detached house that would rent for £1750 and our mortgage is £780 with around 60% equity which obviously makes me very happy now but we missed out on so much fun, so many holidays…etc I have two toddlers now and no freedom whatsoever and often think about all those holidays we didn’t take and places we’ll probably never see. If we do it’ll be when we are old, we are already falling apart and are both only in our 30’s 😂 Unless you have wealthy parents wanting to help you, you can’t have it all.

The only thing that annoys me a bit IRL is those didn’t buy, now get quite shirty and irritable that we own property. There’s this attitude like we are ‘lucky’ and a complete refusal to acknowledge that our choices are simply finally paying off after years of missing out.

You are not failures but there is no way I would give up my rented HA home for private rent. You have security where you are that you will never get with a private rental.
surely as a family of 5 you are entitled to a 3bed? So it’s just a waiting game until you get a better sized home. Alternatively could you buy your HA home and then convert the loft for an extra room?

The site we are moving onto is for renters so it’s a company not just one LL to be exact. So I’m not worried about having to move because LL wants to sell up etc..

Devastated? The OP is providing a bigger home for her family. Not all people can afford to buy. Get a grip.

Well you decided to prioritise holidays over housing for your family.

You decided to have 3 kids, and bringing up three kids and housing them is expensive.

A lot of people would question whether you have made good life choices.

But ultimately I wouldn't care who thought I was a failure or success. It's only what I think of myself that counts.

Well that does sound better.

It took 10 years of hard saving to get the deposit together to buy in a cheaper area - DH often thought it was a waste of time as house prices kept rising - till just after we bought 2008 crash. We ended up stuck there with a high interest rate in house that felt like a money pit and never felt done. Felt bloody awful at the time - moving improved our situation but again took time to get in place where we could.

So buying isn't always better option at least in short term - now we pay less than we would renting which is nice and will at some point finish paying out but it's been harder than we thought and taken more time to pay off for us.

Well, you decided having fun and holidaying was more important than buying a house…other people made different choices and prioritised saving and buying property. Nothing you can do about that now. Good luck in your new home!

Not a failure but possibly didn't make the right choices at the right times.
Moving doesn't sound like the best idea at the moment. Not if your rent is going up massively.

You’re not a failure, of course not.

But if I’m honest, if you were my friend and you’d planned this I’d say you’ve been daft. If your rent was dirt cheap, have you not saved money that could be a deposit? Where do you both live and work? You say maybe you could buy a house if you moved up north? Maybe that should be considered to be an option. Or at least to a cheaper neighbourhood in commuting distance. Ie if you work in Birmingham can you live in stoke or West Brom. These are just for instances. Would shared ownership be a possibility? At least you’d be getting on the ladder, rent is precarious and you’ll be paying more: To me, a home is an asset and a holiday is a luxury, housing comes first.

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster,
And treat those two impostors just the same...

You aren't a failure, OP. It's impossible to say from the info you've given, but it's possible that the holidays you had wouldn't have cost the same as a house deposit anyway, especially with things as they are right now.

But I know how I felt when I thought I'd never buy a house and if it's something you want, it's a terrible feeling.

You can't change your past decisions but you can analyse the choices you have now to see what can be done.

You're not failures, you just made different choices and had different priorities. Some people like lots of holidays, some people want the security of owning a house.

I don’t think you’ve been reckless op, I think you’ve prioritised fun and holiday and you’ll be happy you did one day when you look back.
There’s so much pressure in the U.K. to buy a home, otherwise you are seen as a failure. This is not the case in most places outside of the U.K., renting is the norm.

I absolutely do not think renting makes you failures, as long as you can meet the payments each month and you are living in a suitable property for your family. You sound like a fun family and I expect your children would much rather have the memories of going on holiday and having fun than just being able to say “my parents have a mortgage”

You need to decide whether you actually want to prioritise buying and then own that decision. If the answer is no then crack on with the confidence to ignore what anyone else thinks.

If you want to buy then you’re going to have to make some very hard sacrifices short term to make that happen including staying where you are, no holidays, and cast iron contraception so no more babies. Maybe second jobs in the evenings and barely seeing each other. Miserable but possible.

1000 a month for a good spacious property not up north is quite cheap. Going rate here is 1300 plus and it’s not even in London.

tou aren’t failures society and the governments are failures. You lived it up and have those memories.

There's a lot of judgement going on here. It is what it is and hopefully you've got some good memories to look back on.
Experiences are something that a lot of people don't have

Can't suggest anything for now other than ignore your FIL and avoid him like the plague if he's going be a sourpuss.