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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel embarrassed that we can’t afford to buy a property?

313 replies

Foreveraskingquestions · 06/04/2023 12:51

Since me and DH have been together buying a property has never really been in our interest. We had money at the start but we wasn’t bothered as rent was fairly cheap back then and our priority really was just having fun and going on holidays.

Luckily our current property is HA and it is dirt cheap but we are now leaving and going into private rent. Our rent is now going to be 1k I never imagined spending that much on rent but it’s a beautiful home and it gives our kids the space they need to blossom.

FIL was gobsmacked about how much rent were going to be paying and said how it’s dead money. It’s obviously got into DH head and now he thinks we’re “failures”. Everyone in his family has brought their properties we are the only ones that haven’t.

AIBU to think we’re not failures? He said his family are probably laughing at us.

I don’t know how we would ever be able to buy a place in our area. Maybe if we moved up north!

OP posts:
SlimSchadee · 07/04/2023 20:12

OP I think you are on the brink of a bad decision. If you are receiving UC it means you have less than £16k in savings. So you don’t have much in terms of a house deposit. Rents are likely to go up and there is no guarantee that the cost of living is going to stabilise any time soon. You would be far better off staying in the HA and renting a storage unit for the things you need for your business or exploring other options about where to keep it. If you ever need assistance with housing again it could be many, many years before you receive a place!

Patchworksack · 07/04/2023 20:29

Stay in the HA property for the moment and save (£1k - HA rent) per month to build up a deposit unless you can actually afford to be paying £1k/m rent (and annual increases) and saving at the same time. Then buy whatever you can afford and if it’s not a 4 bed yet then spend a few years paying down the mortgage and building up equity until you can get something bigger. Plan for having paid off your mortgage by the time you retire. You are just going to be some years behind the folk who made different decisions earlier on.
Alternatively, take the more expensive option now and accept you’ll stay in rented accommodation long term but think hard about how you will fund that in retirement.

weesocks · 07/04/2023 20:31

if you all have your health. love each other and live in a safe neighborhood.
What else? Spend your money on each other and do what generations did in my Scotland, rent and accept what you have.

LovelyLisa2 · 07/04/2023 20:39

I wouldn’t say a failure but for me that would be a top priority. Always think of my Aunt spending £££s on a grotty house when she was retired compared to most with no mortgage.

magicthree · 07/04/2023 21:06

You are not going to get a good response on MN where buying a property is more important than anything else. All that matters is how you feel about it, it has NOTHING to do with anyone else. No-one can make you feel a "failure".

Solonge · 07/04/2023 21:23

skyfalldown · 06/04/2023 14:04

The UK is weird about home ownership. Plenty of families - particularly in Europe - don't own property and never will. Don't see why it even matters tbh, and it certainly isn't anyone else's business.

The difference is the cost of the rents here…..way higher than most of Europe…plus small state pensions.

Sugarfree23 · 07/04/2023 21:37

Op renting you are effectively paying for a house that someone else owns, ie your rent is paying their mortgage / retirement fund.
Stay put save money in a Lifetime ISA 25% return on it and buy your own place. Then you'll have a secure retirement and hopefully you'll both dodge care homes and leave some money for your kids.

Mandyjack · 07/04/2023 21:49

Why don't you buy your HA house then sell it later to buy something else?

wentworthinmate · 07/04/2023 22:35

Do not give up your HA property, you will NEVER get that back in any capacity. They are rare as hens teeth. Stay put or swap for another.

Dibbydoos · 07/04/2023 22:51

It is normal in virtually every country except ours to rent properties. And the beauty is when you retire, assuming you're on standard pension, your rent will be paid for you.

Sometimes I do wonder if the alleged security of owning a property is real security....

I have owned a property since the age of 23 btw, I've also built up a pension and I know already I've have been better not to have done either....

Lolaiscute · 07/04/2023 23:01

You’re not a failure.
my late fiancé and I rented when he was alive and we both lived in London together.. no way could we afford to buy a house there. And what I do have is memories of us living the most fun and loveliest life together.
trust me when i say that what you own doesn’t make you a success. My fiancé died way too young and I would take renting a flat forever if it meant he was alive..
I now own a house.. albeit up north.
but don’t let your FIL get into your head.. you’re doing the best you can.

Welshmonster · 07/04/2023 23:04

Have you looked at shared ownership

MyGrandmaLizzie · 07/04/2023 23:15

Can you not stay in the HA property and rent a storage unit?

Boojabooj · 07/04/2023 23:23

Dibbydoos · 07/04/2023 22:51

It is normal in virtually every country except ours to rent properties. And the beauty is when you retire, assuming you're on standard pension, your rent will be paid for you.

Sometimes I do wonder if the alleged security of owning a property is real security....

I have owned a property since the age of 23 btw, I've also built up a pension and I know already I've have been better not to have done either....

Not really true.
It doesn’t matter what ‘other countries’ find normal. We aren’t there.
Rent is paid, ‘In theory’ but it’s very hard to find a place that lets to people on benefits. And you wouldn’t even know the state of benefits or the rental market when you retire.
In the short term - unless you have a HA property you will be lucky to enjoy living peacefully in a well maintained home, paying decent rent.

Of course it’s different for everyone. Maybe you bought a shit house to ‘get a foot’ on the ladder, spent a lot and now feel you wasted time in your youth when you should have had fun.

But me personally I’ve moved 4 times in 5 years. I have no desire to move again. You need to be private renting for a while to realise how shit it is.

I’m not sure whether the OP realises it either as she mentions living with mum, then a HA property.

It wasn’t so bad a decade or so ago but since the new regulations and LL’s selling up it’s becoming even worse.

Boojabooj · 07/04/2023 23:25

Oops sorry just realised she did rent - ‘was cheap back then’.
Even so the situation now is very different to what it was.

NaturalBae · 07/04/2023 23:56

Mandyjack · 07/04/2023 21:49

Why don't you buy your HA house then sell it later to buy something else?

It is no longer possible to buy a lot of HA properties (if any?) due to the dire shortage of social housing in the UK.

I think it is still possible to buy a Council property via the Right to Buy (RTB) scheme.

LadyLaaLaaa · 08/04/2023 00:11

Not failures no, but possibly not making the wisest financial decisions.
I think you need to also think long term, how will you afford to pay rent and live comfortably when you’re retired and on a pension? That’s what pushed us to buy, the later in life you buy, the larger your monthly repayments will be on a mortgage or the less you can borrow.
Personally I would stay in the HA home and for the next few years work overtime/take on a second job/quit take aways and holidays etc and squirrel away as much as you can for a deposit to buy. It will be worth it in the long run when you have the security of your own home, not having to worry about rent increases or the landlord selling up. And when your mortgage is paid off you’re then sat on a little nest egg, you have the option to downsize to release retirement funds. Gotta look at the long term and not just the here and now.

NewNovember · 08/04/2023 00:27

NaturalBae · 07/04/2023 23:56

It is no longer possible to buy a lot of HA properties (if any?) due to the dire shortage of social housing in the UK.

I think it is still possible to buy a Council property via the Right to Buy (RTB) scheme.

Show quote history

That's not true in England in fact they are extending the scheme.

NaturalBae · 08/04/2023 01:00

NewNovember · 08/04/2023 00:27

That's not true in England in fact they are extending the scheme.

Show quote history

Oh okay. Exactly which scheme is being extended in England?

Gemigem · 08/04/2023 01:55

This reply has been withdrawn

We'll be in touch with this poster off the boards.

pompomdaisy · 08/04/2023 04:13

The security for the children is not given is it. £1000 per week on care home fees soon dissolves that security!

Window2muchlight · 08/04/2023 06:04

You might feel differently in 30, 40, 50 years time

Circumstances can change

But, you will always have I assume Happy memories of your holidays

Dexy007 · 08/04/2023 06:18

I think / suspect you are being a bit disingenuous here OP. House prices are astronomical and there’s no shame in being unable to afford to buy. If your husband’s family are ‘laughing’ at you it’s not because you can’t afford to buy, as you infer, but because - as you acknowledge - you maybe could have back in the day but you were young and silly. I’m sure they’re not ‘laughing‘ as much as shaking their heads in dismay at the situation you’ve put yourselves in.

just make the best of it, no point in regrets now.

Dexy007 · 08/04/2023 06:25

Also your husband probably doesn’t really think you’re failures he’s just full of self loathing at the moment. Like all disappointments he will come to terms with it, he’s probably just lashing out a bit at the moment. Bit mean of him

Kaiserchief · 08/04/2023 06:55

I rented privately for 10 years before being able to afford to buy our first home. I was on the council list but never got anywhere. It wasn’t great to be honest. I lived in HMOs for a few years when I was single. Most landlords don’t keep the houses up well and moving every year or sometimes twice a year was unsettling. I really wanted somewhere to call our own that we could paint ourselves and never have anyone coming in to inspect or telling us we have to move (again). Not everyone has that pull to settle. We wouldn’t be able to afford now and I didn’t buy anywhere til I was 28 and my husband was 30.

I wouldn’t have considered having kids without owning a home but this is a personal choice and not a judgement. It’s probably very old fashioned too. I’ve not had nice holidays and now we have kids they only get to go camping for their hols! We all choose our way in life and it’s not really anyone else’s business what you do.