Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

[SebHH]

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

I totally get where you are coming from as my family only meet all together - but OHs family and siblings will regularly meet separately aswell as together. I think it offers more quality time vs whole family bonding.

I don't find it odd at all. I spend 1 to 1 time with my adult children as well as with their families. Sometimes my mum and sister are there. My niece is now in her 20s and at uni. I'd like to visit her. My sister won't be there.
The dynamic will be complety different for your children if you (and OH) aren't there. It's possible too that she's not especially interested in children but now they're grown she's got 3 new adults to have a relationship with.

Do you only feel like this with your sister? Do your children see grandparents or cousins on their own for example? Do you and your OH always go out as a 'set'? I'm trying to figure if it's just this one dynamic, or other relationships.

Speaking as a childfree aunt/godmother, I think it's brilliant to maintain relationships with the children when they are adults. It's completely separate from their relationships with their parents - and potentially more relaxed and one of equals. Your adult children can see whoever they like, and they sound very lucky to have an aunt who cares about them.

I've got two adult children and they have their own relationship now with aunts, uncles and grandparents.

My sister doesn't have children (through choice) but has really lovely close relationships with mine which have continued into adulthood. I don't feel left out or as if boundaries are blurred or whatever crap people spout when family members ,take an interest in getting to know kids in a family....I'm just happy that they have people in their lives who think they are wonderful.

What a silly post. Your children are adults and form their own relationships. They obviously have a good one with her of course they will go without you

You are bonkers to be thinking that's not Normal.

Is there something more to this? Is she giving them advice you don't agree with?

I regularly visited my aunt after work we were very close. I never discussed it with my mum. Why would un. I did regularly until she died. I was devastated. She was like another mum to me but my mum want threatened by that. She loved how close we were.

You should celebrate this, and congratulate yourself for bringing up functional adults who have secure family relationships. These are good, valuable things!

My husband was close to both his uncle and aunt and maintained contact with them throughout their (long) lives. He also inherited from one of them. He helped with their care in their final days too. That takes nothing at all away from his relationship with his parents, who he adored.

Your SIL is hardly trying to steal your babies. She is just behaving like a loving aunt. Say nothing about this, or you will damage your relationship with your children.

My mum came from a very big family and I had lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. I have happy childhood memories of visits and get togethers, and that has continued with the generations since. If we had all got snippy about who visited who and with whom, things would have become very difficult long before now.

OP I think it’s great that your children have this relationship with their aunt. It’s not a slight, it’s just a different way of doing things to your own. I would try and get over it and be happy for them - anything else is making for division within the family for absolutely no good reason.

Actually my sister does know things about both of my children that I don't, so in some ways I think she does know them better.
I'd argue that I know some parts of my nephew's life better than my brother and sister in law because he lives near us and we see him more often and see him in roles his parents don't.
I think that it is healthy that as our children grow ans develop into adults that we, as parents, see our relationship with them change and yes, know them less well than we did when they were children.

Think of it as a positive. It is great your adult children have another family adult of their parents age in their lives.

None of us are here forever. One day that relationship might be there for them when you are not - when they need advice over their kids or advice over their sister-in-laws! I live miles from my siblings and picked godparents who might be 'aunts' and 'uncles' to mine in case anything happened to us their parents. Even adult kids need the support and advice of those older. The worst thing about aging is that one day you know there will be no-one older than you left to ask. It is great to have as many literal or actual aunts as possible.

I miss my great aunts and one day I will miss my aunts. Even though I have a brilliant, wise and supportive mother of my own.

Does she invite them round as a group or they drop in individually?

What was the nature of her intrusive boundary blurring in the past?

Was she being judgmental on your parenting or marriage?

What does your DH think?

Do you DCs initiate visits or does she? Is there any way they are feeling obligated to go and are you comfortable that the content is appropriate and not divisive.

I didn’t say no one ever does it. Just that I don’t think it’s that common.

I would love this for my own children, I actually hope that this does happen. I want them to be able to visit aunts and uncles whenever they want!

She’s their Aunt! I think OP has deliberately called her sil to impersonalise what she actually is to OP’s adult children. Could you explain why it’s unusual because I can’t think of a single reason why it is?

You wouldn’t like it if your adult children visited their aunt without your involvement? This is such a weird way of looking at things I can’t believe there is actually more than one person on here (OP) who things its normal.

My child free sister has a good relationship with my adult children. I don't always know when they meet up with her because I don't need to know. They don't tell me everything because they are independent people. I'm glad they get on well with their auntie!!

How do you feel if your children meet up with each other without telling you OP? I do think you need to adjust to the fact that now they are adults communication will no longer go through you.
I would try to focus on maintaining a nice relationship with them yourself and meeting up to spend enjoyable time together.
They wouldn't visit their Aunt if they didn't want to.
You can't interfere in their relationships with other family members but you can make your own relationship with your children as good as possible.

You are NOT being ridiculous.
Having said that, it's fine (in theory) that an aunt invites adult nieces and nephews over without the parents and it's lovely (in theory) that she wants that relationship with them and would look out for them independently of you.
The reason I've said you are not being ridiculous/unfair is that there is very clearly a lot more to this. She has, seemingly, consistently overstepped your boundaries over the years, she's intrusive, and she makes you feel uncomfortable. She probably makes you feel regularly back-footed and you can't quite put your finger on why?? Does she undermine you in front of your children? Make you feel a bit silly? Did you always feel obligated to have her in your lives because she is your SIL even though you never enjoyed being around her or felt you couldn't be your authentic self in her company? Maybe she's a bit of a covert bully?
It's your relationship with her that you need to adjust or leave behind.
If it's appropriate, talk to your children about your feelings towards her. Be honest. Don't bad mouth her - focus on how YOU feel about her. Let your children know you are not asking them to change anything and you are not trying to disrupt the relationship but maybe she makes them feel uncomfortable too and they don't know why or how to deal with it.
Your fears that she will 'steal' them are irrational, as you know - but those fears will be based on some very rational feelings and experiences.

When you say that you think your SIL is treading on your toes with your adult children, what exactly do you think should happen?
Your statement "My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us." is ambiguous.

Do you mean she should ask you and your husband round for supper as well, if she wants to invite your adult children?
or
Do you mean she should ask you and your husband's permission to invite your adult children round for supper?

How would you have felt if your own mother had objected to you being invited to a relative's home without her or at least without her permission?

It's very important for young adults to build independent relationships with trusted adults. It gives them a broader life view, someone else to turn to if they are in trouble and can't/don't want to rely on parents and generally enriches their life.

I don’t mean she should ask our permission, rather that we aren’t part of the invitation

Why should you be?

You could always ask to tag along one night

how does dh feel?
it is his sister leaving him out of the invitation as well as you