Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

[SebHH]

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

Does she ask them as a group?

Or one on ones?

Is this a recent development or has something else happened that is now concerning you?

What do your DC feel about her ?

Is it an obligation for them - or do they sometimes initiate and enjoy it?

Why do you think you and your husband should be invited too? Are you worried they will be talking about you? What exactly is your concern about your adult children visiting without you?

Well, it's probably because you've made your feelings for her clear over the years and she feels uncomfortable with you.

Why can’t the children see their aunt without you though?

Do the children hang out together without you there?

I adore my nephews who are still kids. I hope when they are teenagers and adults that they stay with me, come for tea, or we can out together. I dont see the issue at all. I know im not their mother but i still love them like one. Im not trying to steal them. Id be gutted if my sister thought i was. YABU

I understand your jealous of her relationship with your children but she won’t replace you. Just seen it as they more people that have who make them feel loved it to talk to about feelings the more emotionally stable they’ll be.

YABU my Aunt (on my dad's side) was like a second mother to me growing up, I see her as much as my own mother - who I love and have a great relationship with

Blurring boundaries? They arent babies ,they are adults! They set their own boundaries!

😱

We have an unmarried aunt and an unmarried uncle on both sides. Each has a favourite niece and nephew with whom they have a very special bond.
I have watched the relationship develop over the years and it is very intense on the unmarried aunt and uncle side, especially where they are godparents, it is almost possessive and eventually the "child" hogs the special relationship too, becoming secretive and owning the affection. I think it is healthier if all the children are treated the same way. It is less intense where the Aunts and uncles are married with their own children.

I mean, it's not really a big deal - she wants to spend time with them and they're happy to visit her.

Would you go visit her of your own accord, as in, do you have a good relationship with her?
Or do you somehow feel the need to micromanage the relationship between her and your children? If so, why? Is it that you feel you're missing out, or that somehow she is plotting against you or what?

I'm struggling to understand why this is bothering you, other than for some reason you don't particularly like her and it grates on you that your children might like her fine and want to spend time with her.

Probably because she wants to form an independent relationship with you kids. She’s their aunt. That’s normal and healthy. If their relationship had to go through you all the time, it wouldn’t be the same/ as special for any of them.

I only have one auntie and one uncle, neither of whom have children, so my brother and I are it as far as nieces and nephews go. My auntie and I have spent time one-on-one since I was a toddler and I have very fond memories from childhood to my teenage years and beyond. I'm in my 30s and I still bloody love seeing her.

On the other side of it, I don't want children but my brother and his wife absolutely do. I'd hate to think of a day in the future where my SIL saw me as some creeper, trying to lure her kid(s) away with an evening of chit-chat and frozen pizza.

Maybe she realises you clearly don't like her and the only way to have a relationship with them is without you there?
I find this so bizarre.

I would view this as a major parenting and familial success, that your young adult children are independently forging relationships with older family members! It's a success and you should be proud. Focus on your own bond with your children if you want to feel more secure in that, but don't let your sense of insecurity around your SIL influence your childrens' relationships with their aunt.

Not sport, entertainment.
You know that's what an internet forum is, right?

Instead of choosing to attempt (& sadly fail) a personal slight, you could re-engage in the spirit of a discussion forum & expand on why you think aunts having loving relationships with nieces & nephews is unusual?

Practically unanimous yabu!
Only caveat would be if she’s getting first dibs on Christmas or their birthdays but unless there’s a massive drip feed coming yabvvu.
One of my closest friends was my childless uncle. Can’t imagine a scenario where my parents objected or tried to interfere.

My older cousin used to come up to our house for a big fry-up every saturday night. He loved my mum.

My kids are similar ages OP. It can be a bit of an adjustment when you realise that they are now independent adults with independent relationships with the greater family. But it is actually lovely. My bil and sil will arrange to go to the cinema with one or more of my children. Or my other bil will take them out on his boat. And one of the things I like most these days is seeing my children forge their own relationship with each other independent of us.

Your fears that she will 'steal' them are irrational, as you know - but those fears will be based on some very rational feelings and experiences.

Will be? I think you meant "could be" @BatsInSpring

My sister is constantly, uerringly, the same about her DC as OP has described how she currently finds herself. Without knowing OP, & her history with SiL, we don't know why.
I hope her fears ARE irrational, & that she can reframe & reconcile them.
Or if they are rational, that she follows your otherwise sensible advice.

In my sister's case, her fears are based on lack of object permanence, enmeshment, possessiveness, & downright coercive control. It doesn't stop her from totally rationalising them - to her own satisfaction, if not logic's! - & acting as if she is not just entitled to feel this way, but other people are actively undermining her if they disagree.

Had she posted here, & read your response validating her batshittery unfortunate controlling & possessive nature as being rational, she would have taken it as permission to adopt your advice as a Flying Monkey to beat anyone who would listen over the head with.

Having said that, OP isn't coming over as controlling - more worried, & perhaps a little dispossessed. So I've given her gentler & I hope much more thoughtful advice upthread. Had my sister ever asked me she'd have had a more robust response. Certainly not associating OP directly with my sister's unpleasant mentality, but it's not the best bet to advise anybody that what are most likely irrational fears are based in concrete reality.

I don’t mean she should ask our permission, rather that we aren’t part of the invitation

I find this so odd. You seem to think that objecting to not being part of the invitation is somehow less weird than meaning she should ask your permission but at heart it's the same thing - you want to effectively police your (per your own description) independent, adult children's relationships with their own relatives! You don't want them to have a relationship between them that is independent of you (do you?).

I often have lunch with my (paternal) aunt without my parents there. We also speak on the phone, do video calls and message one another on WhatsApp, which I use to send her photos of my kids. Because we have our own relationship, separate to those she has with my parents. I sometimes tell my parents what she's been up to or how her chronic health conditions are doing because sometimes I'm the person who spoke with her most recently. We generally are only all together for big events like birthdays, baptisms, funerals, Christmas, more extended family get togethers.

This particular aunt is married with two children.

Hoooeee.

Another Bingo number notched up.

The Childfree are intense, possessive, hog relationships, unhealthy, & out to STEAL your children's affection.

Dear lord. Not just childrfree - not even single - but UNMARRIED.

We have an unmarried aunt and an unmarried uncle

Way to go, defining people by what they are not, as if marriage is a default state. "B'aint NATURAL, I tells yer!"

That's quite a disturbing post. Are you actually well, @Beenalongwinter ?

I'd hate to think of a day in the future where my SIL saw me as some creeper, trying to lure her kid(s) away with an evening of chit-chat and frozen pizza.

Of course, @amusedbush - the renowned Frozen Pizza Of Betrayal.
As a PP so rightly observed, independent auntly relationships are unhealthy, & that extends to the edible lures these aunts cunningly extend to entrap their prey.

Personally, I recommend enchanted Turkish Delight. Makes the youngsters so ... malleable ...

YABVU

They are adults and just because you choose to see it as a slight or not normal doesn’t mean it is not. You and your sisters have chosen to do things a certain way, doesn’t mean that your SIL has to.

My sister and I grew up going to different family members’ homes as a child and continued going as an adult on my own and my parents didn’t have an issue with it because they’re family. My mum wasn’t fond of some of my dad’s sisters but she didn’t stop us from having a relationship with them and they never spoke bad of my mother in front of me nor did we speak about my parents.

You talk about how you invite your sisters’ families around and vice versa but you don’t mention if you and your DH (her brother) invite her around or how much or how your DH feels about this or if they’re close.