Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

309 replies

SebHH · 06/04/2023 07:24

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

OP posts:
Tomkirkman · 06/04/2023 17:04

SebHH · 06/04/2023 12:41

I don’t mean she should ask our permission, rather that we aren’t part of the invitation

My mum died.

But even when she was alive, I would find it really really odd if my mum thought I couldn’t spend time with my aunts without her being invited.

She isn’t just your SIL. She is their Aunt. Their fathers sister. She is an entire person and doesn’t only exist in peoples life’s, through her relationship to you.

Beenalongwinter · 06/04/2023 17:35

@ReadersD1gest

Quite well thank you , said aunt and uncle are late 80s & 90s & Irish.
Designated batchelor and spinster from each family .

I am told each family would have a designated child to train as a priest or nun. Not my family and would not be my choice.

Manthide · 06/04/2023 19:26

I often go and stay at my aunty's without my parents. I do go with my parents as well but I feel my mother controls the conversation and she is very judgemental (unlike her sister) and it is more relaxing without her. My mother lives near me so I see her often. My adult children also visit this aunt without me and I think it's lovely that they have a good relationship. Your dc will resent it if you butt in and it will affect their relationship with you.

Manthide · 06/04/2023 19:34

coeurnoir · 06/04/2023 13:11

Well, it's probably because you've made your feelings for her clear over the years and she feels uncomfortable with you.

Show quote history

My mother has a much younger sister who she has fallen out with and in effect it means I don't see her. We are quite close in age , 7 years age difference but we got along well. Our dds are similar ages. My mother would see it as a great betrayal if I tried to see her - and I don't know where she lives now.

BellePeppa · 07/04/2023 17:23

Jagoda · 06/04/2023 13:15

Why can’t the children see their aunt without you though?

Do the children hang out together without you there?

They’re adults, hardly children. OP’s view on this is very skewed.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 07/04/2023 17:35

Good grief get over yourself. Imagine your kids having an aunt who loves and cares for them, the horror.

Cant get my SIL to ever meet my children. She’s far too busy for them.

Openup · 07/04/2023 17:50

YABU and a bit controlling.

HappyHolidays22 · 07/04/2023 18:22

I see both of my aunts alone regularly. I think it shows a close family that enjoys each others company x

MrsWeasley · 07/04/2023 18:22

I can actually see how you feel but I also think it’s lovely that they are able to have a positive relationship with her too. Being a young adult is tough so having lots of support can only be a good thing surely. And remember as much as your children love you you are still their mum and by the very nature we are ‘uncool’ another adult in their corner can’t be a bad thing.

ILoveEYFS · 07/04/2023 18:24

My adult DC spend a lot of time with my DSis2 (no kids). Not so much with DSis1 (kids) but they have a different relationship. DN spend a fair amount of time with DSis2 too as well as here with me. The cousins are really close and always have been and will spend time round each others places too.

WhiteBloatus · 07/04/2023 18:31

OP be glad for your kids she goes to some much effort to have a meaningful relationship with them, and glad for her that she has them in her life, and don’t be insecure- you are still, and always will be, their mum and their number one lady :)

Indoorcatmum · 07/04/2023 18:31

You are wildly unreasonable.

If you die, wouldn't you rather they had a solid relationship with a family member who could be a support?

So weird!

Whaeanui · 07/04/2023 18:33

SebHH · 06/04/2023 12:41

I don’t mean she should ask our permission, rather that we aren’t part of the invitation

Are you ever invited over? Either by yourselves or with the kids?

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 07/04/2023 18:56

I seriously had to check the date of OP's post because I thought it might be some weird Mumsnet-related April Fool that everyone had missed!

mnisannoyingAF · 07/04/2023 18:58

I take my nieces and nephew out and don't ask my brother. Didn't think it was weird.'I think he likes that we get on.

Weathermonger · 07/04/2023 19:09

I know I'm going against the flow here but I think I understand where you are coming from. My SIL (who has children similar ages to mine) can be very interfering and manipulative and took it upon herself to talk my daughter into going to a different University (much further from home) and my son into buying a car he couldn't afford. This was all done without our knowledge with instructions to not tell us because "we wouldn't understand and it would only upset us" In each case they regretted what they ended up doing and my SIL blew it off as she was "only trying to help". My kids are in their twenties now and still meet up with my SIL, but no longer listen to any of her "advice".

MaryBeardsShoes · 07/04/2023 19:12

YAB absolutely mental. Your ADULT children can have a relationship with who ever they want. If you’re not happy with your relationships with your own kids then you need to look to yourself not blame your SIL.

Feemie · 07/04/2023 19:16

Weathermonger · 07/04/2023 19:09

I know I'm going against the flow here but I think I understand where you are coming from. My SIL (who has children similar ages to mine) can be very interfering and manipulative and took it upon herself to talk my daughter into going to a different University (much further from home) and my son into buying a car he couldn't afford. This was all done without our knowledge with instructions to not tell us because "we wouldn't understand and it would only upset us" In each case they regretted what they ended up doing and my SIL blew it off as she was "only trying to help". My kids are in their twenties now and still meet up with my SIL, but no longer listen to any of her "advice".

But that’s a fairly mad comparison. The OP’s SIL has made no attempt to interfere or unduly influence teenagers on major life decisions or purchases. She has done absolutely nothing ‘wrong’ other than issue the OP’s adult children invitations to dinner without including said adult children’s mother in the invitation.

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 19:20

I think she is wrong to exclude u. How does yr husband feel? Would she do this if she had her own children? Probably not!

Feemie · 07/04/2023 19:23

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 19:20

I think she is wrong to exclude u. How does yr husband feel? Would she do this if she had her own children? Probably not!

On what possible grounds is she ‘wrong’? Do you insist on your mummy being invited to every social occasion before you accept?

ReadersD1gest · 07/04/2023 19:24

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 19:20

I think she is wrong to exclude u. How does yr husband feel? Would she do this if she had her own children? Probably not!

Not being included is not the same as being excluded. She's not wrong at all, and what does it matter how op's husband feels?!

ReadersD1gest · 07/04/2023 19:27

Weathermonger · 07/04/2023 19:09

I know I'm going against the flow here but I think I understand where you are coming from. My SIL (who has children similar ages to mine) can be very interfering and manipulative and took it upon herself to talk my daughter into going to a different University (much further from home) and my son into buying a car he couldn't afford. This was all done without our knowledge with instructions to not tell us because "we wouldn't understand and it would only upset us" In each case they regretted what they ended up doing and my SIL blew it off as she was "only trying to help". My kids are in their twenties now and still meet up with my SIL, but no longer listen to any of her "advice".

Maybe it was a good life lesson for them, in not doing what you don't want to do, just because someone else tells you to 🤷🏻‍♀️
She probably did them a favour, unbeknownst to herself.

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 19:27

On the grounds of exclusion. And no I don’t invite my mum to anything any more because she is dead.

Ifinkyourefreaky · 07/04/2023 19:29

I think you answered your own question here when you stated 'I know it's silly'

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 19:34

Imo it is a form of exclusion. I think it is important to know how your other half feels about something especially when (a) it bothers u and (b) it concerns his sister.