Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

[SebHH]

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

It's good for children (adult or younger) to have relationships and connections with aunts/uncles/cousins etc that are independent of their parents. It's those inter generational bonds that tie families together when, inevitably, one or some of the older generations die.

I'm not close to my SIL, she's nice enough and we get on fine but we have nothing in common but I'm very close to her two young adult daughters and occasionally take them out to dinner or a show or go to theirs for a movie night. I know SIL does the same with my D.C. as does my uncle. It's all good and means they have an extra strong support network around them.

My best friend took my son out for lunch. He came home with a tattoo, she came home with 2 extra ear piercings!
He is 28, she old enough to know better!

What??? why?

seems that this is a sport for your @KettrickenSmiled

I see my adult niece regularly . She cones here for coffee or we go out for drinks/ a meal. It's lovely.

It’s lovely that your kids have such a good relationship with their aunt. Be pleased, not jealous.

Yabu and weird. cut it out before it takes over your life

I think your adult children are lucky to have such a lovely relationship with their aunt. You should be happy for them, and for her as she clearly enjoys their company. Surely the more love people have in their lives the better?

I'm around 10 years older than some of my nieces, not only do we go out without their mum, they also stay over at mine and I've taken them on holiday.

And probably shouldn't, judging by mummy's reaction.

OP'S kids will end up choosing not to tell her much about their lives in case she pulls her rejection act.

Very odd way of looking at things. My aunts (not my mum’s sisters) would often invite me round, one invited me to their holiday home abroad with them (which I took). This was in my early twenties, it wouldn’t have occurred to me (or my mum) that this was an issue or needing her (my mum’s) involvement in any way.

You clearly don’t like your SIL but your adult children obviously do or they wouldn’t meet up with her. Leave them to it!

It’s such a great thing for your kids to have an invested adult relative in their lives who is not a parent. Value this, don’t resent it.

Here's the thing...Yes you are being unreasonable as your children are adults and can see whoever they like when and where they like. ...But ...but ...honestly op, I think I would feel just as you do in similar circumstances. There aren't many people who are always reasonable in every circumstance and I have to admit I would be just as unreasonable as you under these circumstances. 😁 I think I wouldn't show it though. I would just be cheerful about it Infront of your DC, just asking how the meal went ext 💐

is it because your sil chose to not have children and you see it as you have put in the hard work for years and she gets to enjoy spending time with them now they are adults

l can sort of understand that type of thing

Hi, OP -

It is great that you have been able to sit with this and reflect upon it. It does sound now like the reasons the situation bothers you may be complicated.

FWIW I am another who thinks it is great that your SiL is cultivating relationships with her DB’s children. Sure, in theory it is possible she might someday go too far but from what you’ve said she is a long, long way from that. What you’ve described sounds lovely for everyone.

Have you given any thought to how your discomfort with this fits into the overall picture of your relationship with your SiL? Eg if she inadvertently feeds into your personal insecurities (that we all have), that’s unfortunate but it’s really for you to deal with. If she is more deliberate (eg putting you down or puffing herself up at your expense) that is a different story, and in your shoes I wouldn’t be interfering with my DC’s relationships to her but I would be keeping a wary eye. Etc - the underlying question is, how much of this is about you, and how much is about her?

@shiningstar2 and@Kennykenkencat can you explain why you'd feel that way? Because I simply can't get it. I have plenty of insecurities of my own, but when it comes to my kids, I'm their mum. There's nothing that changes that. Its pretty much the only thing in life that no-one can take away or threaten. So it makes no odds to me how close any other family member is to them, because at the end of the day, I'm their mum.

My insecurity as a widowed mum of adults, is who will be there for them if anything happens to me. So the closer their relationships with other people who love them, the better.

Just ridiculous, she sounds like a great Auntie!

Nobody needs your permission to interact with your adult children, let alone your SIL who has been part of their lives forever.
Are you worried she'll develop a better relationship with them that the one they have with you?

YABU. I think it's lovely that she has a relationship with your kids, what a lovely aunt.

Yes I think you need to accept that this is your issue and back off - in the nicest possible way.

Do you go along for dates too? Do they have to ask you first?
Your adult children can eat dinner with whoever they want…

She's just an auntie wanting to spend time with her nieces/nephews. Nothing to worry about.

i;m sorry...

so you're telling me that my 80yo aunt should ask my 70yo mother if my 45yr old brother and 42yo me can have dinner with her?

WTAF?

You're being VERY unreasonable, and weird quite frankly.

Adults can have a relationship with their extended family that is completely separate from their mother and permission isn't needed in any way shape or form.

Get a fkin grip. wow.

Hi there @saraclara . It wouldn't be a big thing with me I don't think. Just a slight feeling of ... hmm. Can't really say why as I had a wonderful relationship with an aunt who I loved dearly. She has one child of her own. I also have a great relationship with my own daughter and we go off on trips together, theatre visits, spa hotels ext. So I haven't actually experienced this situation. Just when I was thinking of the ops situation I kind of empathised in a mild way and felt that, although unreasonable I could understand it. 🤔