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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU? Train give up seat for a child situation

369 replies

FriendsObsessed · 05/04/2023 19:09

So I was on the way home today. Busy train, full of commuters.
i managed to get a seat, one of those 3 that are on the side of the carriage and can be flipped up if needed.

An older couple got on with their (I assume) grandchildren.
The women next to me offered her seat to one of the kids. The grandfather came back saying at yes if they could sit together that would be lovely (keeping eye contact with the woman). She was like ‘I can only offer you my seat’. I didn’t move… he sat down with the child on his lap.

someone else got up and offered the seat to the other child. Same thing happened the grandmother sat down with the other child on her knees (kind of)

i tried to just chill (as I always do on the train) but I kept feeling very uncomfortable and sensed a bit of a death stare. The kids were pretty annoying, and weren’t told to just sit and keep kicking other people’s bags, seats and stop complaining. When I got off the train I could hear the grandfather saying, now you sit here finally.

I’m just so annoyed at folks travelling on train with kids expecting that others should move/give up seats for them. AIBU?

ps the children were approx 4 and 6 yo

OP posts:
Okunevo · 05/04/2023 20:52

Hbh17 · 05/04/2023 20:48

Children stand - adults don't give up their seats for them. Just the same as when we were kids, and my parents always expected me to stand on the bus or train, so that adults could sit.

Little children, under 6?

NotAnotherBathBomb · 05/04/2023 20:54

Justputitdown · 05/04/2023 19:24

100% this. Only on Mumsnet does giving a four year old a seat on a busy train mean they're spoilt for life.

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And only on Mumsnet does not giving them one cause accidents? What are all these accidents happening with little children falling about everywhere, I’m picturing some kind of domino effect?

Mammyloveswine · 05/04/2023 20:55

I was on a packed metro with similarly aged children yesterday and get the rage as some bloke leant his entire body against the pole so my children could not hold on and one fell, smacking his head on the corner of one of the seats.

(They we're holding onto me but I had nothing to hold on to either).

OP people are dicks, you did nothing wrong.

Okunevo · 05/04/2023 20:55

BooksAndHooks · 05/04/2023 20:52

Children cannot balance well on a moving train especially stops and starts, they can’t reach the overhead supports. It’s much safer for children to be seated.

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I agree. I'm much more able to stand than a small child with tired legs who can't reliably hold on and I'd certainly stand for them.

Rightsraptor · 05/04/2023 20:56

There has been a shift in recent years, I've noticed, towards adults giving up their seat to a child. It's the done thing in some countries. Personally, I think it's wrong: children should stand for adults

I was once on a busy commuter train, parents and 2 kids got on, mother said something along the lines of 'maybe some kind person will give you their seat'. Bloody cheek, I thought, definitely not me! The young woman next to me did though, and the child spent the entire journey standing up then weaving her way through people to go and annoy her brother, leaving the seat empty.

Ridiculous.

Albiboba · 05/04/2023 20:56

Katrinawaves · 05/04/2023 20:45

Google tells me the average age of a first time grandparent is 50. Its unlikely though of course not impossible that both the grandparents and the parents had their children at 40+ as some have suggested.

The most recent UK figure from ONS is 63. So it’s 63 + 6.
That’s almost 70 which is definitely near the region of elderly and more in need of the seat than OP.

RedEyeBaby · 05/04/2023 20:58

I agree with this. I was raised to give up my seat for the elderly, disabled or for expectant mothers. But why should a child give up their seat for an able bodied adult? Children aren't inferior beings.

If someone is struggling to stand, I'd offer, but before I had children it was extremely rare anyone offered me a seat, even when pregnant. More common now I have them for some reason.

Lcb123 · 05/04/2023 20:58

You definitely did the right thing. It’s a commuter train, they should sit whereever they can

NotAnotherBathBomb · 05/04/2023 20:58

Everyone fretting about the tired knees of the children who had laps to sit on. They were seated.

RedEyeBaby · 05/04/2023 20:59

Oops quote fail - someone frome page 3, sorry.

Confusion101 · 05/04/2023 21:02

What age were the grandparents? I would give me seat up for elderly people tbh. Actually how do you know the other people weren't giving their seats up for the elderly people, not the kids? Depends on the age of the kids too. If they were of age where they were likely to need to be carried after a short while of standing I would have offered my seat too.

JaneFondue · 05/04/2023 21:05

I always give up my seat for small children, especially as the tube is so packed these days. I am fine standing.I don't think too much about it.

THisbackwithavengeance · 05/04/2023 21:06

This thread is strange.

No one is saying that kids are not entitled to a seat any less than an adult.

But the converse is also true and hence why would the OP have given up her seat to a child? She was sat in it first.

Different of course if the person without a seat were disabled, elderly or pregnant.

It might have been a nice idea to give up a seat so the family could've sat together as a group IF there were free seats elsewhere in the train.

But no, I would not have moved for a 4 year old either.

Daisybee6 · 05/04/2023 21:06

FourTeaFallOut · 05/04/2023 19:12

Nobody asked you to move. How have you turned this into a problem for you?

This 😂

Okunevo · 05/04/2023 21:07

NotAnotherBathBomb · 05/04/2023 20:58

Everyone fretting about the tired knees of the children who had laps to sit on. They were seated.

If the grandparents were actually elderly I'd have offered them a seat. Children three and over are bony uncomfortable little creatures to have on your lap!

Daisyismynameorisnot · 05/04/2023 21:08

I think you've made this up I your head. No one asked you to move and I suspect the death stare wasn't happening. The grandfathers comment doesn't appear to have been a 'pointed' comment towards you.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 05/04/2023 21:08

I'd have been with you pre kids

Now seeing how my 4 yo has no sense, will fall over when the train stops, is so vulnerable standing next to adults who are massive compared to him and bags are at face height for him, and empathising with how that might feel...

I'd give a kid that age my seat. I've got to say I'm sure my mum would too, despite being nearly 80 and quite wobbly

Daisyismynameorisnot · 05/04/2023 21:09

I would have offered a seat to children at those ages. I think it can be dangerous for them to stand when little. They can't react fast enough to protect themselves if something happens like a sudden stop.

Katrinawaves · 05/04/2023 21:11

Albiboba · 05/04/2023 20:56

The most recent UK figure from ONS is 63. So it’s 63 + 6.
That’s almost 70 which is definitely near the region of elderly and more in need of the seat than OP.

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Even 69 is only 3 years post official retirement age so not exactly decrepit!

JaneFondue · 05/04/2023 21:11

MotherOfCrocodiles · 05/04/2023 21:08

I'd have been with you pre kids

Now seeing how my 4 yo has no sense, will fall over when the train stops, is so vulnerable standing next to adults who are massive compared to him and bags are at face height for him, and empathising with how that might feel...

I'd give a kid that age my seat. I've got to say I'm sure my mum would too, despite being nearly 80 and quite wobbly

Indeed. A lot of fuss over very little. Actually I would have given grandpa or grandma my seat and then one of the kids could have sat on their laps.

fairywhale · 05/04/2023 21:16

Stepuptowardsinfinity · 05/04/2023 19:15

Why?

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Because they are small tired children that developmentally do not have the stamina or patience for a train journey and could hurt themselves falling.
As if you are talking about 15 year olds.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 05/04/2023 21:16

I probably wouldn't give up my seat if the children had laps to sit on but I wouldn't particularly want to see a 4yo fly down the aisle head first if they happened to let go while standing when the train suddenly set off. And then have to listen to them cry for the rest of the journey. Small children are safer sat down.

SecretVictoria · 05/04/2023 21:21

Kanaloa · 05/04/2023 19:29

I would have probably given up my seat for a four year old. To be honest I don’t like the attitude on mumsnet that kids should be entitled to no comfort etc. I see no reason why a small child should spring out of their seat for an healthy and able bodied adult who can safely stand. Adults should sit because they’ve had a ‘long, hard day at work.‘ Most four year olds are probably tired after a long hard day of reception or preschool. And as an adult I’m more capable of standing safely than a four year old child.

However, you didn’t want to give up your seat, and you did not give up your seat. So there really isn’t an issue. You wanted to sit down and you did sit down.

The four year old will have been travelling for free. I don’t understand (and I experienced it many times as a commuter) why people travelling with kids choose the rush hour. Tickets are generally cheaper before and after.

Preschool and school is really not ‘a long, hard day’. Don’t know where this comes from on MN; when I used to pick my DN up and indeed when I went to school
myself, we’d bounce out. No notion of ‘tired after a day at school’.

darjeelingrose · 05/04/2023 21:24

ShirleyPhallus · 05/04/2023 19:33

Exactly. Why do MNers manage to centre themselves in absolute non events?

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I don't, do you?
Honestly how do some poster not see the utter stupidity of telling "mumsnet" that "mumsnet" thinks this that and the other, as if they themselves hadn't created an account and as if they had nothing to do with mumsnet? It's weird.

Tellmethespoiler · 05/04/2023 21:28

SecretVictoria · 05/04/2023 21:21

The four year old will have been travelling for free. I don’t understand (and I experienced it many times as a commuter) why people travelling with kids choose the rush hour. Tickets are generally cheaper before and after.

Preschool and school is really not ‘a long, hard day’. Don’t know where this comes from on MN; when I used to pick my DN up and indeed when I went to school
myself, we’d bounce out. No notion of ‘tired after a day at school’.

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Most people travelling with children won’t have a choice when they travel. I’m sure they aren’t choosing to travel in rush hour for the fun of it.